[debhorner04]

We picked up Marissa last week. She is a hppy, fun, inquisitive little girl. However if we are not within 2 feet of her she SCREAMS! In the hotel, I could rock her to sleep and place her in the crib without a problem. Since getting home, that has only happened once---she SCREAMS----not cries---SCREAMS! Her body gets rigid, she kicks, throws anything within reach and gives heartbreaking screams. We do not believe in co-sleeping, so that is not an option. She eventually wears herself out and falls asleep. She has slept through the night twice since we are home. The other nights, she woke up only once and just screamed for about 1/2 hour before going back to sleep. When up, if she's held, she is quite content. If she's placed in the Jumperoo, exersaucer, or high chair, and we walk all of 3 feet away, she screams again. She is VERY attached to both mommy and daddy, but we can't hold her 24/7. She even screams when laying down to get her diaper changed. I know she needs to feel secure and develop the trust, but we don't want to create a habit that will be hard to break later on. We see the pediatrician today and the IA pediatrician on Thursday. until then---any suggestions? I know it will get better, but to hear the screams is heartbreaking!

[asauer]

Debbie-
You have just described the exact behavior of my son when we brought him home! He would SCREAM whenever we were more than 2 feet from him. I'm talking 'rattle-the-house' screams'..horrible. I think that in some ways, you just have to let time pass for her to know that you will indeed come back. However, here are some things we did that helped:

1. Whenever you can pick her up, do it. Watch TV w/ her on your lap, if at the grocery store wear her in a sling. PS- slings (like the Maya wrap) are the best thing since sliced bread. I could do stuff around the house while wearing him. I think that was key for when we had to put him down. He'd gotten enough contact so that I could start dinner, make calls (about 5 min). Then little by little we increased the time he was not being held. Now (3 months home), he can be on his own for about 15 min before he gets cranky.

2. Get the book "Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Baby". It helped us SO much during his first month home. In the adoption world, there are many different opinions on whether you should respond to every cry during the first few months home, but we chose to follow this method with quite alot of success. He began sleeping 11 hours/ night about 5 weeks after being home, with only 1 wake up and falls asleep with no crying (most nights). I'd definitely ask your Ped or IA ped about this.

[thinkingpink08]

Debbie, I can totally relate!!
I'm in Antigua with my daughter waiting for Orange and Pink. I have been here for almost 3 weeks now, but it has just been in the past 4-5 days that she mostly stopped screaming. Yes that heartbreaking scream - She would scream so hard for the first two weeks that she kept making herself throw-up.
I guess my point is I think there is a light at the end of the tunnel and consistency with her routine is what has seemed to help us.
Wishing you luck!!

[krafmatic]

Very normal behavior.

Don't worry about spoiling her. Right now, she needs to be reassured that you won't leave her life. IMHO she is not attached to you or DH yet, her reaction is based purely on fear that once again she will have a familiar face "leave" her (aka foster mom). Keep her close by, pick her up when she needs it etc...it will get better.

Think of it this way, with biological children you are supposed to respond to their every need for MONTHS. It is those months that build a child's trust that you will always be there. Your daughter is no different, she needs to build trust in you and that takes a lot of time.

Hang in there.

[Devora]

This is a common reaction to the major changes she is going through. She's not yet secure in her knowledge that you will be there permanently. Everyone else she knew left her, so it's natural that she will react when she sees you "leaving" her.

It is hard to hear. The best things you can do are those things that comfort her and bonding/attachment-related play and parenting. In particular, the more you wear her in some type of sling the better it will probably be -- you can still move around and do things and she can be comforted at the same time. When she seems to relax more then slowly, slowly start to work on moving away from her. But you might need to have her with you constantly for a couple of weeks until you start this. When you do start it, start by being with her but being engaged in something else while she plays (e.g., read a magazine). Then slowly move a few inches from where she is playing. Then sit on the other side of the room. Then tell her you're going to the kitchen to get something and will be right back and come back within a minute. You get the idea.

There are lots of GREAT articles and advice on parenting children through the transition at the website Informed Adoption Advocates. (Sorry I can't post the URL here -- Google it and you'll find it.) Click on "Articles" and then look in the section on "Transitions and Attachment." Most of the articles are written by adoptive parents who adopted internationally. They are filled with lots of good insights and advice.

[nwparents]

Our daughter was a lot like that for the first two weeks. She wouldn't even let us put her on the floor to crawl around and play with toys. She would cry if we put her down. So, we just put her in the baby carrier facing out, and I would walk around and clean, etc, with her in it. After two weeks, she was crawling and cruising again, and was happy as a lark. The baby carrier has been hanging up in our back hall since. So, as the rest of the people told you..I would get a carrier or a sling, it really helped us.

[saranbr]

Your DD sounds similar to ours when she came home 2 1/2 yrs ago. She'd yell and scream anytime I wasn't holding her-- she'd tolerate DH, but that was it. Not another person could get a hand near her (even my folks who live next door) and she way prefered me over DH. Correct, you cannot hold her 24/7, but you can come closer than you think. I had a front pack and sling and wore her most of the day-- it was tiring packing 17# around and doing cooking, cleaning, etc, but it can be done and was for her and my sanity. That said, she always slept in her own bed since we don't do co-sleeping either and there was some screaming but not horrible once she got into the routine.

I also thought she was very attached to us but in retrospect that she was certainly not. We were the only consistent force in her life so she held to us-- but she was not attached. Having the benefit of 2 1/2 years to look back I now know that she wasn't truely attached to us until she had been home as long as she had been away, about 7 months.

Keep up the holding. It's tiring, but will pay off in the end.

[brink]

I've read a number of posts this morning about how to help children transition. I guess my opinion is that we owe these children as much time, support, and comfort as we can possibly give during this time of such intense change. As an adult, I can't imagine being totally uprooted and moved to another country and language, losing the close contact I had with everyone I knew, and feeling comfortable very quickly. It would take time to adjust to the changes. That's an adult perspective. Add to this that a child or infant has little understanding of what is happening to them. Even older children who have been "prepared" by loving foster families or hogar staff do not truly understand all that they are about to experience.

For families with older children and busy schedules, I know this time is hard. But hopefully we can slow down and help them adjust at an infant sized pace. We need to ask ourselves some serious questions and make arrangements to change our schedules before our child arrives.

Some children do remarkably well. Some need much more time and support during all these changes. I would just suggest not to assume they are doing fine because they smile at everyone and go to everyone. They need to recognize their parents as the ones to go to with their needs. Then they can move out into the world with confidence and with some safety checks built in that will serve them well as they grow up.

[Saya]

I know it's tiring and can be frustrating, but as much as you can hold her and stay as close as possible DO IT. This is a key time for her, and she needs to feel secure. Don't worry about creating habits she can't break - you won't. Or rather, the "habit" you WANT to create is that she can always trust her parents will always be there when she needs them.

I second/third/fourth the carrier - we used it ALL the time when our daughter first came home.

I don't want to downplay how well she's doing - it sounds like you're doing a great job! - but as saranbr said attachment is a process. It sounds like she's still at the point where she's clinging to the one bit of stability in her life after she's suffered a major transition - I mean, no wonder she screams when you go away! I too look back to when my daughter came home and realize that it actually took her months to be truly attached to us as parents. Yes she smiled, played with toys, had fun etc. But now that I know her better I know it was just her way of coping, and it took months for her true personality to come out.

The screaming WILL stop eventually - hang in there!

[GDSinPA]

You're getting good advice here. Bad habits are the last thing you need to worry about at this point. Pick her up, hold her, reconsider your decision about co-sleeping.

She needs to be held and nutured and loved on right now. Consider that while she may be 8-9 months old, emotionally, she's just a week old now in your family.

Attachment is a very long process with many stages that all kids handle differently. When we first learned about it, I asked our social worker - what do you mean - a few weeks? No, more like many months, many years.

It sounds like you have the right instincts going - so hang in there!

Many blessings,
-Greg

[JillnChris]

Just wanted to repeat what some of the other posters have said. This is very normal. The poor little thing is going through so much right now her entire world has been turned around. That doesn't make it any easier for you though. :-)
I def. would not worry about spoiling right now. I have read many books and heard a lot of experts say that when a child comes home they revert back to the infant state, and you cannot spoil an infant. Building that attachment and trust is the most important thing right now and will actually make her a more secure toddler in the future because she will learn to trust her world. Have you tried a baby sling? There is a great one called the "over the shoulder baby holder" that you can use until she is over 2 years old. You can do a search for it on the internet.

[giovanni7460]

SPoil spoil spoil. Do whatever it takes to let her know that you are her protector. That you will always be there and you are her constant. It will get better but for now she needs you.
Patty

[Suzeb1]

I think you've gotten some great advice; and that your heart is also telling you what to do. The reason that her screams are heartbreaking is because you care so much about the pain that she is in; and she IS in pain.

She has just lost everyone and everything she knows, her entire world and security and she thinks that maybe, just maybe, you can give that back to her. Can you imagine the terror she feels when you walk away? What if you don't come back either? Attachment is a process and it takes many months/years for our children to become attached to us in a healthy, secure way. Please let that be your only goal right now.

As with any beliefs we hold prior to becoming parents or adoptive parents, I encourage you to rethink them. If co-sleeping is what your daughter needs, please consider it. Carry her every minute that you can. Don't worry about habits. Maybe you'll end up with a few you don't like, and you can worry about that another day...IF your child feels secure and attached. If she never feels secure, all the good habits in the world won't matter.

Forgive me for speaking so bluntly, but I can hear how much you love your daughter and how much you want her to feel secure and I know you would hate to do anything that wouldn't help build her security and attachment. She is telling you, very loudly , what she needs...trust yourself to listen to her and help her know that her mommy is there for her.

All the best,

Susan
Mommy to a newly three year old who grieved terribly for her foster mom, who turned her somewhat reluctant mom into a co-sleeper for a time and who now sleeps all on her own.

[akasohappy]

Adjusting to your forever mommy and daddy is hard.
She just came home so it is going to be hard for awhile.
Don't stress about starting bad habits.
You have to build that trust with her.
The basic theme of attachment is TRUST.
She has to trust that you will be there when she cries, when she is scared, that you will feed her when she is hungry. That you will love on her when she needs love, etc.
My DD cried for months it was exhausting, but I knew I had to be there for her 24/7.
I carried her constantly - I even ate with her on my lap. I didn't leave the room without her.
Of course I would try to put her in her high chair, would try to cook without holding her, or would tell her I was going to the kitchen and would be right back.
If she protested I picked her up.
I was a zombie.
I didn't want to co-sleep, but knew that I would if it was what she needed.
She loves her bed now and is a great sleeper, but in the beginning that was our biggest struggle.
I have always rocked her to sleep.
If she cried I always got her out and if she woke in the night I always went right to her.
Everyone kept telling me I was setting her up for bad sleep habits, but it didn't happen.
I think because she trusted that I would come to her she knew it was OK to be in her bed.
The good news is that it only was really bad like that
for about 8-12 weeks and after that I could see improvements everyday.
Every child is different and I am not saying this will be your experience I am just sharing mine.
The other thing I have read is that emotionally she is only as old as how long she has been home. For example if she has been home for 3 weeks she is 3 weeks old and you wouldn't let a 3 week old cry for any length of time without going to them.
Also just because she wants you to hold her all the time doesn't mean she is fully attached just yet.
She still needs to build that relationship with you all.
I don't in any way mean to be harsh. Obviously you love her and care about her and that is why you are asking for advice.
Parenting is hard and we are all getting plenty of on the job experience!
Good Luck and congratulations on bringing you DD home.

[hesabananasdh]

Ditto on the hold her all you can sentiment. Spoil her all you can and worry about the weaning later on - but have a plan for doing so once you and she are ready. My gut tells me she's trying to build trust right now, and when you come running every time she screams, you're reinforcing that she can trust you. I wouldn't put that in jeopardy right now. Sleep with her on the couch, rock with her until you're ready to nod off, drive her around until she's asleep and then carry her, carseat and all if necessary, but I'd make sure to keep giving her all the attention she seeks and needs.