[swjp]

Hi, I was wondering if anyone would want to help out and contribute ideas for a list for families and friends of things they should/shouldn't do. I was thinking of posting it on my blog; I have links, but I doubt if all of them are going to do the reading. I also wanted to make it very simple and not embedded in a bunch of text.

So, here goes:

1.Please do not introduce Eva as "Our adopted grandaughter/niece."

2.Please do not make any racial jokes of any kind, no matter how "harmless." There are no harmless jokes.

3.Please love and respect Eva's birthmother.

4.Please do not comment on how you could "never give up your own children." Especially not ever in front of Eva. You are making an indirectly giving your opinion of Eva's birthmother.

5.Please see Eva as an individual.

6.Please do not make any racist comments about any OTHER race.

7.Eva does NOT owe us anything. Eva is NOT lucky to have us. She did not ask to be born. She certainly didn't ask to be adopted. We are the ones who are lucky.

8. Please don't say it's too bad we didn't "have our own children." Eva is our own child.

9. Please learn positive adoption language and use it.

10. There really is no such thing as "race"; we are the human race. There are different cultures and ethnicities.

11.Just as there are different types of people, there are different ways of building families. Adoption is another way and is not a better or worse way of building a family than biologically or any other way. It's just different.


Anything I missed? I worry about the tone too , but I don't want to sound wishy-washy.

[adoptlove66]

I would preface your list with an explanation and ask them to be sensitve to their daughter and your family. I understand but their are people who will definitely find this a bit harsh.

[MoonKitty77]

I would also add something in there like, "please do not ask us how much the adoption cost us...ESPECIALLY in front of our daughter."

You wouldn't believe how many times we have been asked this question from people just being nosy.

[JosieWales]

I don't think it's too harsh, esp when it comes to making sure your DD's feelings are respected.

I would give some ideas of what positive adoption language is--like birthmother, birthfamily, etc.

Also, ask them not to judge the bmom if they know of her situation (such as, she had 5 kids and could not take care of another baby)--I have experienced "OMG, she had XX kids???" and eye rolls and gasps of disgust when they hear of how many kids she had. Needless to say, I only mentioned it to family and friends I know and love...and still got this response. I didn't get mad but asked them not to judge her.

[dawnrenee58]

Maybe you could combine all the race ones into one comprehensive one on race.

Do you really think your family and friends need this? Or are you just trying to nip things before they happen? For me, I would rather assume everyone will be respectful and loving. I kind of feel like a list like this is emphasizing the differences even more than if you said nothing. I mean, by telling everyone that she is just like every other child, you are highlighting how different she is! Maybe just assume they will be fine, and then if they are not, THEN say something. JMO, of course!!!

[Saya]

To be honest, while I agree wholeheartedly with the content, I would worry that this might come off as a little negative and condescending. Maybe if you left out the "please" at the beginning of each sentence. I know that please is supposed to be polite, but at the beginning of each and every phrase like that it ends up seeming like you're talking to a naughty pre-school class! I can see it really rubbing people the wrong away. What if eg rather then all the various items about race, all starting with "please" you said something like:

"We are an interracial family now, and we would appreciate that our friends and family refrain from making racial comments or jokes. We want Eva to grow up feeling comfortable and proud about who she is and where she comes from."

And you could incorporate the stuff about her being your own daughter into the line about different ways of building families, eg:

"Just as there are different types of people, there are different ways of building families. Eva CAME to us through adoption, but she is not our 'adopted daughter.' She is simply our daughter, our very own daughter. And we are so lucky to be her parents."

You know, more flies with honey - Just my 2 cents.

[swjp]

Thanks for all of the feedback. I do feel like we need to be proactive, and the list is also a little reactive--some of the points are inspired by things that have been said to us already by well-meaning people. I hate having to correct on the spot--and haven't, so I thought that perhaps a list like this would just put some ideas out there, and so any awkward situations would be avoided.

I've got a link about positive adoption language.

Based on all of the reactions here, just think I'll scrap it and deal with situations as they arise.

Thanks again!

[entropy]

jumping over from Colombia, But I LOVED your list. I've had family memebers say some messed up stuff related to my daughter's adoption and her background.
I've actually had to pretty much write off a part of my family for reasons listed in this list.
I'd probably just deal with the situation as it comes up however. Good for you for being proactive. You may not want to hand the list out so to speak. but just have these things in your mind.
I was quite suprised when my grandma started pretty much doing everything mentioned in this list. unabashedly, i might add.

[cjrogers]

I love your list. I think that you should put it up there and leave it unspoken. If you offend someone, then too bad, they'll have to get over it.

I applaud you for this and might actually steal it for my own blog.

People can be so rude about their comments and clearly not know that they are being rude.

Why should you not post this in order to NOT hurt someone else's feelings, when yours and Eva's may be hurt because you *didn't* say something.

You go girl. We need to be more assertive with our children's feelings and our own.

(((hugs)))

CJ

[Jensboys]

I would add something about grieving and attachment etc.

Please understand that we might parent in a way that you do not understand. You might find us to be over protective about who holds or feeds our daugther when she first comes home. An understanding of the losses our daughter has already experienced and our desire for her to learn how to trust and bond with us will trump any desire from family members to hold her. Please know we have educated ourselves about this and are happy to pass on links to you if you desire.

[entropy]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

I would add something about grieving and attachment etc.

Please understand that we might parent in a way that you do not understand. You might find us to be over protective about who holds or feeds our daugther when she first comes home. An understanding of the losses our daughter has already experienced and our desire for her to learn how to trust and bond with us will trump any desire from family members to hold her. Please know we have educated ourselves about this and are happy to pass on links to you if you desire.

yes, yes, yes!!!

[Alexismandyjr]

Thank you for your post! I hope you don't mind I XXX'd your dd's name and copied it to my blog. I have two Guate son's and I can't tell you how many times I've heard "they are so lucky to have you"...
Well, WE are the lucky ones. I couldn't agree more!

And... yes, we all grow our families differently and everyone needs to learn how to accept the differences.

Thanks for your post!

[vgdc]

I'm with you about providing some kind of proactive and positive statements of behaviors you want. Before our DD is here, we're getting all kinds of questions-btw, these are all well-meaning.

Also, we're not sharing anything about her birthmom and circumstance, etc. leaving that to DD. We're drawing a pretty tight boundary around her background info-no birth name, etc. and getting respectful responses-"I didn't know that" sort.

[GuatMommy2Be]

Originally Posted by Jensboys

I would add something about grieving and attachment etc.

Please understand that we might parent in a way that you do not understand. You might find us to be over protective about who holds or feeds our daugther when she first comes home. An understanding of the losses our daughter has already experienced and our desire for her to learn how to trust and bond with us will trump any desire from family members to hold her. Please know we have educated ourselves about this and are happy to pass on links to you if you desire.

Oh I wish I had read something like that before we came home. No matter how I have explained it, my family is still onto us about this. This just seems to be a perfect way of explaining it.

[maccafan]

I would only add that there is a list of "do's and dont's" on A4everFamily.org, which concentrates on how family and friends can support your child's attachment to you. If there is anything on that list you are concerned about (like family telling you you're spoiling your child, etc.), you might want to add it.