[jandc]

Does anyone remember the post about getting the G884 information back and being devastated by what you learned? Has anyone wished they had never sent away for it? I was hoping to read thru that post again.

[JoshGuat]

google it you will probably find it

[jandc]

I have tried thru the search icon but I have been unsuccessful.

[DPline]

Is this the one you are thinking of?

troubling conception information

[jandc]

Thank you Debbie. That is exactly the one.

[AnaM-H]

I'm sorry the news was upsetting. Good luck.

[jandc]

Thanks Ana. It just breaks my heart in so many ways. It does strengthen my resolve to be even that much better a parent for my girl.

[MrsKringle]

I had read the family court report while on our pick up trip, and saw information that contradicted what we had been told, by such a large degree, that I made inquiries with people who knew my child's birthmother. It was explained that the truth might not sound like enough justification for relinquishing the child, so that the story had been embellished to not create difficulties for her. The true reasons were very different than the stated reasons. As an older mother of fourteen children I have been parenting for over 30 years and I realize that these theories put forth by well meaning mental health and adoption practitioners may end up being revised. I have seen many theories turned upside down after a decade or two. It would be better, in my opinion, to sit on any information you saw in the family court document, unless you can verify it, and then use super discretion about telling it. You can reveal things very gently, but if you tell too much, too soon, you can't take it back if it does harm. It's not being untruthful, it's being mindful of the gentle unfolding of a child's heart. Truth is in general, an important principal but it's not the highest one; love is.
Beth

[JustBarbara]

MrsKringle - Beth - I could not have said it better myself. What you write is very true and I would also caution against sharing that info as it might just be an embellishment to make the process work for the bmom.

[jandc]

Thanks MrsKringle and JustBarbara. I absolutely agree. I was so excited to get the report and reading what I did came like a swift kick to the gut. I do realize there are 2 possibilities. It is either true or it is not. It is very possible it is not because they wanted their adoption plan to be as simple as possible. I say "their" because birthmom is/was a minor. But the reality is it is there in black and white. And when dd wants to go thru all her paperwork, what do you do?? I really struggle with this. I do know that we have some time to figure it out but it is a tough one. On one hand, I want to be honest and on the other, identity issues because of adoption are difficult enough, does she really need to process this one, especially when it quite possibly might not be true??
I am at a loss.

[DPline]

You might consider posting this on one of the adoptee boards. Or even if you aren't ready to post it there, do some reading there or some searches and maybe get some perspectives from adult adoptees. It is a very personal decision, but it might help you to get some perspectives from adoptees to consider as you are thinking this through.

Another thing to consider is doing a birthmother search and talk with the birthmother directly or through a searcher if she is willing.

Best wishes to you. It is a difficult position to be in.