[CandaceT]

... so I know I'm not alone. Here's mine. We have been home one week only, so I know things are still very unsettled. But I expected Madeline (at one year old) to have a little bit of a hard time adjusting to us, my 2 1/2 year old to have a very hard time, my DH to have a little bit of a hard time, and me of course to just roll with the punches and be perfectly happy to finally have my long-awaited daughter at home. Hmmmm... perhaps I set myself up for this?

Instead, I'm the one who is struggling the most. Madeline seems to be transitioning very well. She's a happy little girl, walking a little bit, sleeping relatively well, and eating very well. She fusses a little when I leave the room sometimes and reaches for me when I come back. She does pretty well with DH and is intrigued and amused by DS. I, on the other hand, am irritable, impatient, and teary, and pretty much just with her. When she pulls the CD's out I get mad. Pretty much normal toddler stuff irritates the heck out of me. It is very out of character for me because I was SO tender and patient with DS since he was born. I don't know if it's an emotional let-down after finally getting home, having all the responsibilities of a new child that I haven't quite fallen head over heels in love with yet, the difference between suddenly parenting a little older baby that you didn't experience all the early baby tenderness stuff for, or some combination of all of these.

Just wondering if other people experienced similar feelings and how they progressed for you over time? Hopefully this will be another encouraging thread for people about how Mommy's attachment problems aren't a four-letter-word any more than baby's!

Thanks,

[jules17]

It took us a good month to get settled from having one child to having two! We were all just getting settled into a new routine as a family of 4.

Be patient with yourself...I am sending you hugs!

[Evansmommy]

I'm amazed at your post as my story seems similar, other than I was taking my anger out on my older child. He didn't know how to play with a 1 year old (he was 4 at the time) and would leave safety gates open, push the baby over, etc. I think he was angry too, but I was surprised at my reaction to everything. I started having direct play time with both of them to teach them how to play together (since that was our problem), reminded him incessantly about the gate, and things did get better. Now, a year later, they do play well, I still have a shorter temper than I did with just 1, but I'm trying to use and stick to discipline proceedures and be consistent with both of them. Hang in there, it will get better. it's good that your baby is doing so well. I remember when people would ask us how Alex was doing, I would say, "he is doing fine, the rest of us are having a tough time." It's a difficult adjustment, and I really wish someone had told me that it's ok that it's hard and it really took about a year until things really started to click.

[jeck]

I was right there with you when DS came home. He was almost 16ms when he came home and was into everything. I think I was on emotional overload! I not only was a new mother but a mother to a very active toddler! Felt very overwhelmed over everything!

I think toddlerhood is hard and I think it is even harder when you are getting thrown into the middle of it. (for you and your child) You don't have as much down time with your child like you do with an infant, to get to know them and vice versa...

What helped me the most is making sure I took some time just to take a breather and reset myself!

Its hard to make yourself take time especially when you are the primary caregiver but talk to hubby, family or friends and ask them to watch the kids for a little bit. You will be suprised what even 15mins will do for you!

Take care and things do get better!!!

[mommysoon]

Great thread. I look forward to the continued responses. I am brining DD home next week and she will be 13 mo old. I have DS at home (since last June) and he is now 18 mo old.

Be kind to yourself and make sure to get some down time, maybe a bath at night with some essential oils like lavender for you to relax and get good rest?

[dac_cincy]

You could be talking about me. When Bug came home, I would get so frustrated with him for doing things that are typically toddler things. I would forget that he was just "1 week old" in terms of being part of our family.
I watched my dad stuggle with the same things as Bug interacted with him.

You see her as a toddler, but she is only 1 week old to your family- maybe lookign at her from that stand point and keeping it focused in your mind will help teh situation. It is a hard adjustment bring home a toddler- you have to hit the ground running, things your bio child or a child that you had raised from birth would already know have to be taught and learned and it takes a toll.
Bug's favorite word those first few weeks was NO since he heard that nearly everytime he reached for something.

I am sending you hugs becuase it is not easy and it hard, but it does get better. Attachment is a process not a "bang, your attached" thing.

Love and hugs,

[madelinemygirl]

This is the greatest thread! I thought something was wrong with me, and everyday throughout the day, I feel overwhelmed. My husband works many nights until 8p, and I think going from1 -2, and the 2nd a 6yr old, it is all overwhelming.....

I am so very GLAD to see it is NOT just ME!

[susy...patience]

..but I just wanted to say IMHO that you're entitled to be feeling overwhelmed. As I have faced other changes in my life, I have decided that I just feel the way I feel and there are good reasons for it....and I don't need to apologize or justify it to anybody.

[amyruston]

First of all HUGE HUGS to you!! I don't post much anymore, but those that know my story know this is something that I REALLY struggled with, still do, but it is getting much better and my DD had been home for 10 months. My DD had lots of attachment issues but I still believe in my heart that some of them had to do with how I was behaving with her, I had a very hard time attaching. I'm sure this will be an unpopular statement with many, but it didn't feel anything like what my relationship with my 2 bio boys was/is. I didn't feel for her what I did/do for them. It was a process and I love and like her more and more every day. She now makes me smile and feel love just by looking at her, but it took A LOT of work and time for me to get to that point. I know that I suffered from pretty bad post adoption depression and claiming that and dealing with it made a big differnce. But also just letting it be OK that I wasn't overjoyed every day of my life because this child that I fought so hard to bring home was here in my arms. I don't know anyone, even the most perfect moms that can tell you they LOVE being a mom 24/7, that they like their kids 24/7. In the adoption community I think we feel an extra sense of it needing to be the perfect picture because we have fought so hard for these kids. Anway, sorry for the rambling. Just wanted to let you know that you are so not alone, there are many like you and I out there. Look at the post adoption depression side of it if you think you may be having issues with that. Please feel free to email me anytime aandbruston@charter.net

Hugs, Amy

[cjrogers]

I felt this way too.. and still do a little bit... I think it's normal and I agree it's probably a touch of Post Adoption Depression... (well, at least in my case it is). I'm naggy and crabby and irritable and want to drive myself over the cliff, especially when I don't get my sleep. Honestly, though, it has been getting better... We are on Day 18 with our son and it gets better every day.. give yourself some time, some TLC and realize it's normal.

I've worked out a bit to try to get my stress out and that has helped as well as getting some good old Texas sun... can you get out and take a walk? Take a long bath? Have a glass of wine before bed?

Good luck and hugs to you!

[CandaceT]

Originally Posted by amyruston

I'm sure this will be an unpopular statement with many, but it didn't feel anything like what my relationship with my 2 bio boys was/is. I didn't feel for her what I did/do for them. It was a process and I love and like her more and more every day. She now makes me smile and feel love just by looking at her, but it took A LOT of work and time for me to get to that point.

Thank you, Amy, for posting this. This is definitely how I feel right now. I assume I will grow to love her as much as I do my DS, but I hardly know her right now! I also need to keep my eye on the post-adoption depression thing... probably a little too early to tell at this point. But my husband is a therapist and acknowledges that this is a possibility brewing. (He's been very supportive BTW.)

Thanks to all the other posts as well. I hate to hear that ANYONE struggles on one level, but on another it's nice to know that I'm not alone.

[JillnChris]

When we first came home it def. took me some time to adjust to dd. She did very well and adjusted to us after just a couple of weeks. I did experience that strange "am I in love with this child?" feeling. Basically I just went throught the motions and spent a lot of time holding and rocking her and telling her that I loved her and after about a month I really was head over heels in love. I sensed that my husband wasn't in love with her at first either but he has never actually voiced it. Now he can't stop telling her how cute, adorable, smart, and lovable she is!
I don't have bio kids but I have heard a lot of people say that they are not always "in love" with their bio children either.

[Larue]

I think what you’re feeling is much more common then people realize, just not talked about very much. Folks eagerly anticipating the adoption of a child can’t imagine not being able to love or connect with that child right away. I think we’re all envisioning that “adoption story happy ending”, where everyone is embracing, and crying with joy, and falling instantly in love. Cue the music.

Yes, attachment is a two-way street. And a process that takes time. And it happens differently for all of us. As many of you know, Sabrina struggled with attaching to me. And at times during those early months I felt pretty detached towards her too. Which made me feel guilty and even worse. Sometimes I wonder if she had been cooing at me, insteading of throwing her baba at me, if I would have felt differently. I guess I'll never really know. But what worked for me was this. Fake it until you feel it. Trust me, the feelings will eventually come. And in the meantime, know you’re not alone. Many hugs to you.

[mmpierce]

I'm so glad you started this thread b/c I was just about to post one similarly after a break down Sunday night! Walker has been home 9 months and we've certainly had our ups & downs. I've likened our attachment to a ball rolling forwards--I feel we're usually rolling forward in learning to love each other, but as the ball rolls I have ups, downs and all in the middle range of feelings. Thankfully, my lows now are nowhere near the lows 9 months ago.

That said, however, he seemed to take a big giant step backwards late last week in that he began lashing out in anger towards me even when I'm initiating play or affection about 1/3 of the time--before, it was primarily when I had to tell him "no, " etc. He's always done great w/DH, and our 3 bios, but taken a long time w/me. Like Larue, I often wonder if he'd been loving to me along the way, if I would've struggled so much. Yesterday & today have been much better, but wow, I constantly have to remind myself that I'm the adult here, b/c I so often just want to detach and walk away to my 3 bios who love me so much! I think underneath it all, my pride is hurt to still feel such rejection from him.

It makes me sad to say I personally still have not felt the miracle of adoption in that I cannot yet say that I love Walker as much as my bios--it still feels very different and I hate that. So much better than last summer, but still different nonetheless.

I hope this is not discouraging to you b/c you've been home such a short time! I feel like we've scaled mountains, so I know it hasn't improved significantly.

[saranbr]

What you are going through is normal. We brought DS home 7 months ago at the age of 4yrs and I VERY stupidly thought I was just going to be like all my friends who are mommies to their four year olds. Oh no, that illusion evaporated before we ever left Guat.

Your comment about normal behavior being irritating-- that could sum up the last 7 months. The cute, fun, endearing little things that DD does, DS doesn't and when he mimics her it isn't cute, fun or endearing. It is downright annoying and irritating. The worst part is that DS is really a sweet kid who doesn't have any serious behavioral issues (we have some orphanage related things going on, but mild considering his background) and I still have no patience for what is really fairly normal 4yr old boy behavior.

My wonderful girlfriend who I wouldn't trade the world for, did a great job of putting the whole thing in perspective: I was expecting to feel the same way about this perfect stranger who has just been dropped into my house, was into everything and didn't even speak my language as my friends feel about their children that they have been loving and nurturing since the day they were born. Now you choose to love your child but to expect to have all those good feelings for someone you don't even know, much less have any attachment to is rediculous at best.

All that said, it will get better with time. It took me about 6-7 months to really attach to DD and she came home at 7 months of age. Our SW (who has an extensive background in placing older children) told me that it takes about as much time with the child as they were not with you to really attach with them. Of course things improve some as you go along, but I can say that she was right on with DD and at the rate I'm making progress with DS, she may not be far off.