[fullahope]

I'm very angry at my sister in law for something she said to my husband in front of our child and want to know what you would do. My husband's sister and I have issues mind you because of her mouth and things she's said to me in the past while I was trying to conceive before our adoption. She always had something to say about me not giving her brother any children even when she knew I was having fertility issues the wench. Anyway, my baby who's 2 years 2 months old has been a little slow with his speaking skills and words. According to my pediatrician he's right on target and is NOT behind. He's understands both English and Spanish and his words have been coming more and more both in English and Spanish everyday and he's perfect to us. Anyway she had the nerve to tell my husband that our child isn't speaking because he's traumatized because his birth mother rejected him and she said it in front of him and mind you our child understand Spanish completely. I was so mad and asked my husband why he didn't say anything to her about such an inapproriate and none of her business kind of statement in front of our child and reminded him that Jorge understand everything said to him. I told him since when did she become a therapist and expert in speach therapy and language she can't even speak English after being here 20 years, and I'm truly mad and my husband tells me just let it go but I'm mad and feel I have the right to be mad. When it's time for my son to understand the complexities of his adoption I want it to come form our lips not hers, how dare she. I'm introducing it in age appropriate ways to him through books. Now my question is what would you do / say. I truly just want to stop by her house and smack her and show tell her what I really think of her observations. Every child is different and you know what it's none of her business. Just last night he said "we're number one and Kiki's going to college (short for his brother Frankie's name) now does that sound to you like a child who is traumatized I think not, he's got more words than I can count truly. Maybe I'm over reacting but really what would you do and say if it were you? Thanks for your help.

[JillnChris]

I think I would be just as outraged that she would say something like that in front of your son. Regardless of what her opinions are noone has any business saying something like that when he can hear.
I don't know what I would do about it. Probably have a talk with her and if that doesn't work, not let her be around your son unless you are right there.
And I'm sure your son's speach is just fine!

[guatparents2be]

unreal, inappropriate, and you have every right to be furious with her, and imho your DH too for not putting his foot down.

it is so hard when you have family members that are horrific like that. she must be in some pain to be so thoughtless.

i wish you peace and ease in figuring out how to manage this situation. clearly she cannot be around your child.

editing to actually answer your question.
if it were me, i would sit down with DH and make a game plan, then sit S-I-L down and tell her that you were extremely upset by her comment and that even though she is entitled to her own opinions, it is unacceptable for her to mention them in front of your child, period. at this time i would also tell her whether or not you actually want her opinion yourself. you could tell her that family is very important to you but if she cannot be respectful of you and your family and your family's values, she is not welcome to be part of your lives. of course DH has to be on board with this.

sound also like she has some issues with you (from your note about her prior comments regarding you not getting PG) i wonder if you just need to have it out?!

[cbmstephanie]

I would be upset too if someone said something like that in front of my child. Now, what to do about it? I don't know, you may have to try a couple of different things. I think I would first try to have a very nice conversation with her. Tell her exactly how you feel, in a nice way, express that your son does understand what she is saying and that you think that her statements may have a negative impact on him. Explain that you are exposing him to his reality in age appropriate ways and that you need to go at the pace that you feel is appropriate. If it were me, I'm sure I would start to cry during the conversation, but hey that may just work. If she doesn't understand then I guess I would go to the next level...which isn't so nice. Good Luck!!

[JPDakota]

My SIL my brother and only sibling's wife, is frankly racist. When DD was very young she showed the poor judgment of making a racist comment. She said, in front of 18 month old DD, "You know, she's really bright for an African American child." Here's what I did. I had DH take DD into another room and then I said, "This is your one and only warning. You may not, at any time, make ANY kind of racist comment about African Americans or anyone else in the presence of DD. Then next time you do will be the last time you are EVER in our presence. And don't think we'll leave her with a babysitter and have a nice dinner. You will simply not be welcomed in our presence. Ever again. Do you understand me?" I didn't raise my voice. I didn't even growl. I just told her the God's truth.
At first she reacted angrily. Then she believed me. She has been extremely careful ever since. I don't make threats. But I can be very direct and I don't play games.
I am NOT saying this is the way for you to react. It's just what I did and it was only a year and a half ago. But that's what I did.
Good luck.

[SKL]

She sounds like almost a lost cause, but I agree that you need to say something to protect your son. I would take her aside the next chance you get and tell her politely that your son understands a great deal in both English and Spanish and you don't want him hearing any comments from anyone but his parents about his adoption, and especially not any negative comments. Hopefully she will understand and act accordingly.

Good luck!

[alreadylove2005]

Good for you, JPDakota! I wish you could come talk to some of my family members....

[Lori Elena]

Originally Posted by fullahope

I truly just want to stop by her house and smack her and show tell her what I really think of her observations.

Sounds like a good plan to me!!

I have zero tolerance for anyone who says anything negative to or about my child. Your husband should step up and protect his child from the venom this woman spews.

Honestly, I would tell him that either he has a talk with her about keeping her ignorant opinion to herself....OR....I would not allow her near my child anymore.

JMHO,
Lori

[connorsmommy1999]

I cant believe you didnt blow. I would have lost it.

I like what the previous poster did with her SIL. I think something very calm and stern is in order. I definitely agree that she's probably a "lost cause" as far as getting her to see things differently and I wouldnt waste my time on it....I suspect the only way to impact her would be with a threat of "one more time and you'll never see us again".

and frankly, I'm not sure that you need to leave this up to DH. you're the parent too right? is there some kind of rule in your marriage that he is the only one that can deal with his family (I know that is the case in some marriages, I'm not saying this sarcastically) if not then I'd say you have every right to say something.

[amyfk]

Sounds to me like your sister has crossed an important boundary line.
I think I would tell her that if she wants to speak in front of your child about sensitive issues she isnt allowed in your home. If she can agree to talk adult talk, where it belongs-with the adults, then you will try to deal with her again.
Im sorry that you and your child had to put up with this BS
Amy K, NJ

[Oceans]

she had the nerve to tell my husband that our child isn't speaking because he's traumatized because his birth mother rejected him

Boy oh Boy – I know a bunch of us from the Birthmom Support board would have a few things to say about this. If you go over to her house think of us as your Virtual “Verizon Network”. We will all be standing behind you with unhappy looks on our faces!!!

A far as what to do, I like JP’s approach.

If it were me, I’d probably STILL be in the middle of my living room with a stunned look on my face… I despise this kind of ignorance…

Sorry you have to deal with this…

[EZ2Luv]

I would have told her"Oh is that why, well what is your reason for being so ignorant and rude?" That usually stops people that think they are "know it alls" right in their tracks. As much as you might want to smack her, you really have to consider the sourse and feel bad for someone so twisted.

EZ

[WaitingforBrian]

I am so mad for you now. Let me at her. But as someone says it does sound like she is a bit of a lost cause. I would be very direct and simple in my instructions to her to never speak her mind about your child/children in front of anyone else again unless it is positive. The tone of voice is very important. When I want to get a massage accross, I speak very slowly and in a low voice, and each time I have to repeat it I get slower and louder. It helps me keep control and can be very effective. Good Luck AM with you all the way. It may take a while to sort out but can you let us know how it goes. Your son sounds great. Truly bilingual at such an early age. WOW! B.

[Candace3]

maybe you could let your husband read these responses so that he understands that from a mother's point of view those comments were completely unjust and that you are not the only one who would feel such a way. Hopefully together you can find a way to approach his sister and let her know she can not speak such a way in front of your child, or maybe she shouldn't be around your child. Hope you are able to work it out and find some resolution.

[IH8MEAT]

If it were me...and my DH didn't say anything...I would.

She stepped too far over the line for comfort...

Good Luck with whatever you choose...