[jdenbley]

OK, I need some advice from some seasoned veterans. As some of you may be aware, we accepted the referral of our little girl on Nov 8. She is currently 3 months old. When the law passed on Dec 11, we felt God telling us we were supposed to take another referral. AFter a few days of prayer and consideration, we accepted the referral of another baby girl (currently 4 months old). So now, when I tell people that I am adopting 2 girls from Guatemala, everyone asks "Are they sisters?". Once they are home, that is easy to answer. However, since they are not legally mine yet, I struggle with what to say. In my heart, they are already sisters (even though they have never met and do not share any DNA!)
WHat people really want to know is "are they biologically related" and a part of me wants to shout back "why would it matter?" But people are just curious. So far I have answered "they are now", which I guess is not totally true. The crazy part is that these girls are 3 months and 4 months old. Really, do the math. How could they be biologically related??? So, any advice on how to answer the questions?

[SKL]

I get that all the time with my girls who are 3 months apart - along with the "are they twins?" question.

Although not the most intellectually considered question one could ask, I feel it is a well-intentioned question, so I try to respond positively.

I usually just pause and say "they are not biologically related." Then the questioner usually puts two and two together and says, "well, I guess they are sisters now."

Sometimes I say "they are virtual twins," whose meaning is often obvious enough, but sometimes I need to add "they are close in age but not biologically related."

I know some people feel touchy about the biological relation questions - perhaps because they SOMETIMES reflect an attitude that an adoptive relationship is not as significant as a biological one. But, I don't believe most people mean to disrespect adoptive relationships. I think they may consider the relationship between the sisters more special if there were a biological bond. And honestly, many adoptive parents feel this way too.

I think if your answer makes it clear that YOU don't consider the lack of biological ties to be important, this will be a bit of education / food for thought for the questioner. That is why I stick to a very short answer - because there is nothing to apologize for or feel bad about - my girls are sisters in all the important aspects of the word.

Edited to add: I should note that when the girls are old enough to understand the conversation (and are listening), I will probably simply answer "yes" to the "are they sisters" question. No point making them wonder what about their sisterhood isn't quite complete.

[CHARLIECAT]

You have to remember that you are going to be constantly educating anyone and everyone throughout your entire process about your adoption experience. Take it with a grain of salt unless soeone is absolutely out of line. People do not think before they speak and I think that some individuals seem like they took the "stupid" pill when it comes to the obvious. Not everyone has common sense.

I always reply that they are not biological sisters, but they are real sisters. Kassandra is so protective of her sister, she always says "where is my sister" or "where's my baby". They are truely little princess sisters.

Good Luck and fight the battles that are worth it through this process and let the other ones roll.

BTW, once you get that referral they are in your heart that is what matters, the rest is just RED TAPE! They will be yours forever!

Kim

[Gatos]

If you suspect that people are trying to validate your children's relationship (when it's not their place or business) say, "Why do you ask?" Let them soul search a little. Or, just say "yes" and picture Adam and Eve in your mind.

[beachdreams]

Usually I simply say yes because that is the honest truth. They are sisters even if they are not biologically related just like we are their parents.

[heathcliff]

My response will be..when my other 2 girls are home from Haiti will be

"Oh Yes, In everyway that counts"

I saw this response on another forum and just loved it. It affirms the girl's relationship, it answers the question in a subtle, but obvious upbeat way. A great response for my daughers to hear around them. It also doesn't point out differences but points to similarities...they are sisters, we are family.

Aves

[acjmn4ever]

I would simply say "They will be!" That is the truth and most people get what you are saying. We get that all the time with our boys. They are 13 months apart, but we get asked a lot "Are they twins?" and "are they Brothers?" MoMo

[cbmstephanie]

I think it depends on who is asking. If it is someone who seems like they are genuinely interested and curious because they don't know much about adoption...and let's face it all they see are the pieces on Dateline etc, I go more into educational mode and state that they are not biologically related but they will be sisters in every aspect as soon as the adoption is completed. I know that before I started this process I was completely in the dark as far as how adoptive parents and children felt about questions and I try to keep that in mind when answering questions. I do think that most people are sincere when they ask questions.

Now...there are people that may have different motives and if I know that their motives are not genuine then I may have a different answer, but I really haven't ran into that situation more than a couple of times.

[ej-momtobe]

I'd keep the response simple, after all it is a simple question. if someone asks now, you could simply respond "not yet" or maybe add "but they will be once they come home."

[musidora]

Mine (boy and girl) are about 1.5 months apart. I actually looked up if it was possible for them to have been born that far apart (and it is--there have been intervals between twin births of 84 days and 95 days!). I really can't believe the number of people who ask if they're "brother and sister" (implying biological) after they know the difference in age! Sometimes people will ask, pause, and then realize that it's not the brightest question to ask. I've been asked if they're cousins.

Sometimes when I say how old they are, I'll get the question "how does that work?" We have joked "really long labor" before (and if you compare process to labor it really was!). But usually just say "they're adopted." sometimes I average their ages together to avoid the questions.

To the bro/sis question, usually I'll say "they are now!" Sometimes I'll add that they were born in the same city and hospital. I like "in every way that counts." i'll probably start using that.

I agree with going with "they will be." At least for the people you meet in passing. If someone is interested in more information, they'll ask.

Good luck with your like-twins. It's an exhausting but wonderful ride.

[pvanabel]

Thank you for starting this post...I had similar questions since our bio daughter and our daughter in Guatemala are only 2 weeks apart!! So obviosly they will not look the same, but people will ask...and then our older daugther is the bio half sister to our daughter in Guatemala...so I am sure the question of "are they real sister's" will come up too. Even when people ask if our son and daughter from Guatemala are siblings...we always answer yes they are, we are their Mom and Dad...
Thank you for the other words of wisdom.

[musidora]

BTW, there is a yahoo group for virtual twins. PM me if you can't find it and want it.

[JustBarbara]

Or you could totally freak people out and tell them they are "Irish Twins" ... please don't flame me, part of my heritage is Irish. It means siblings are less than a year apart in age. I've heard this expression quite a bit in the US but it would not go over well in some countries.

[A_ROSE024]

My boys are just less than 13 months apart, one bio, one adopted. They are the same size right now, but look nothing alike. I am talking, fair skin, blonde hair, blue eyes the other, dark hair, dark eyes and beautiful brown skin! I get asked all the time if they are brothers, sometimes stupid people ask if they are twins! I have also been asked if I was a foster mom. Anyway, I just tell them yes, they are brothers and don't elaborate unless they ask. Let people make up their own minds and ideas about your family. The only one's who it really matter to know the answer already.

[SaraAvaandLileesMama]

WHEN I AM ASKED THAT I SAY
' JUST ASK SARA AVA'. OR I SAY ' THEY ARE NOW'!
PEOPLE ASKED THAT BEFORE LILEE CAME HOME AND I SAID "THEY DON'T KNOW THE DIFFERENCE'. i NEVER GET MADTHOUGH! ITS NATURAL FOR PEOPLE TO BE CURIOUS. WHEN PEOPLE ARE ADOPTING MORE THAN 1 FROM GUATEMALA I AM ALWAYS CURIOUS,
GUATEMALA