[shellydm]

Hi-

This is OT but I would love some advice on a personal matter.

I have 2 very good friends who live a couple hours away and they are both going through a really tough time right now.

I am struggling with how to be a good friend to them in their time of need, and at the same time trying to balance my own family needs...

My first friend lives about 2 and 1/2 hours away and she is pg with twins and has 2 young girls 4 and 2 years old. Her dad is dying of cancer and is in his very last stages of life right now. Its heartbreaking. He can't even get out of bed on his own without help, and has a hospice nurse come everyday at his home and has a hospice bed at home...

My friend is due next month and is so sad and stressed about her dad. And frustrated she can't get around much in her own home to keep it clean and so on. She is on bedrest and has to keep going to the hospital because her Blood Pressure keeps going high.

She has expressed she doensn't know what she is giong to do once the babies are born because her husband only gets 1 week off and she doesn't know how she is going to be able to do everything on her own with her new twins and her 2 girls. She is having a C-section and is not able to lift and so on, but will have to carry each baby downstairs one at a time. And also her bathroom is upstairs (she only has 1 bathroom and a very small house). So she is worried about all the times she has to go up and down the steps when she is not supossed and so on.

I don't know if I should tell her I can go down and help her after she has the babies, and maybe stay for 5 days or so. But it's hard because I have a 2.5 year old she would be coming with me. They have no where for us to sleep. I am fine with the floor or couch but my daughter still sleeps in a crib, so I doubt she would get any sleep on the floor next to me or on the couch. I also feel we would keep everyone up or be in the way because their house is so small. When my friend gets up to feed her babies I would imagine she needs to come downstairs so she doesn't wake her other kids and I think we would be in the way. She would have no where to go. We are not struggling financially, but every cent does count. We don't really have the extra money to stay in a hotel for 5 or so days.

But then I think maybe I'm selfish for not asking if she wants me to come and help. I really don't know what to do. She has not asked. But I feel I should see if she wants me to come, yet I feel I'd be in the way anyways....


OK, friend 2 lives 6 hours away but her hometown is 2.5 hours away and her mom in her hometown is also dying of cancer. She was given 2 months to live 6 years ago and has amazed all the doctors. But a few weeks she(my friends mom) fell very ill and is now on lifesupport and it does not look good. Her mom has had ups and downs before over the past 6 years, so my friend is hoping for the best. She has been living at the hospital by her mom's side. She goes back to her house 6 hours away every 5-6 days to grab some clothes and check in with work and so on. My friend sort of keeps me at arms length about her mom's true status which is understandable since I think my friend doesn't want to think about it. But I am not sure how I can help her. I do not know if I should go up and drive 2.5 hours for the day to be with her at the hospital, or not. She has a few very very close friends who live in her hometown and I think they are by her side and I know all her family is there. I sort of feel again I would be in the way, or not sure if she would want me there.

I am the type of person who always feels like I am imposing, and I don't want to make anyone feel awkward or like they have to worry about me. So I don't feel secure going when her whole family and close close friends are there. I sort of feel like I would be a third wheel. And again I would have to take my 2.5 year old with me. And we would probably stay at a hotel and we don't really have the money, but could swing it for a night.

What should I do? Any suggestions on how I can be a good friend. I call them everyday and talk to them when they call and listen. I just want to do more, but I don't know what to do. I thought about sending food to my friend whose mom is in the hospital but I don't know when she is home and don't know if they would just deliver it and leave it on her porch. Also because she keeps going back and forth from her hometown to her home 6 hours away and keeps me at arms length on her mom's condition I never know if she is home for good or is going back to her hometown and so on. I don't know where to send flowers or a card. her mom has gone through rough stages brefore but got better (thank goodness) and my friend goes home for a few months because she has to work. So I am afraid I will send a card or flowers to her hometown or a gift and if it arrives in 3 days or so, my friend may be back home. I know this is confusing, its so complicated.

I am ridden with guilt, I want to be there for them but I don't know how. Help...

Shelly

[cjrogers]

Oh dear, you have quite a dilemma right now!!! The first thing I would think to ask yourself is, how good of friends are you? Are you truly best friends and are they "relying" on you? Are they lacking a support system in general and what would YOU expect from them if you were in the same situation.

This is a toughie, because family comes first and you have to deal with your own bag first. Then you can deal with others.

Not necessarily my advice, but here is what I would expect:

1. If my mom were dying and my friend was 2.5 hours away, I would really expect her to come see my mom and me, even with the toddler. For some reason, this one jumps out at me. If possible, can you drive out for a day with your child for a few hours? Maybe talk with her, have lunch, give her hugs, let her cry on you and enjoy your child and then head back and be sure to keep in touch.

With your other friend, 5 days is a big committment. Perhaps you can visit for 2 days and bring a pack and play or something for your daughter or talk it over with her to see what her thoughts are. Maybe just by telling her that you REALLY want to help, but are in a dilemma, she might say, "No! You are too BUSY, DON'T COME" or maybe she will say "Yes, can you PLEASE COME AND HELP ME!!" Then you will know her real need and perhaps figure out a way to be there for her that works for both YOU and her.

I don't know. You and your child come first, but you sound like a good friend who has AWESOME intentions. Good luck with your decisions..

[guatparents2be]

hi shelly

when i am in need, the thing that is most helpful for me is if my friends ask what they can do to help. if they are good friends i know it is a real offer. when i tell them i give the caveat of 'if it works for you in your life right now, what i could use is x,y, or z.'

sometimes all i want is an ear and someone would be in the way. other times i actually do need help and am so grateful for the offer.

in the end though, i think before you offer to help, to look at what is realistic for you?

friend #1- you can easily take a pack and play for your child while you sleep on the couch. the truth is though that you will likely be woken during the night. is this ok for you? will your child sleep through that? when you offer help, you can be specific about your concerns and how you think you may be able to assist?

maybe you could pay for some assistance for her? someone nearby, maybe even a teen who could get paid $8-10/hr to do laundry, straighten up etc. you could see if you can pay for a post partum doula for her for a week?

or even better, you could organize help for her from friends nearby whom she may or may not be confiding in. does she belong to a church or another group that could offer help? i bet if she is a good friend of yours that she has other friends that could do some shifts assisting her? if she is someone that has a hard time asking for help, you could get phone numbers from her, make the calls and see who might be available? we do this all the time in our community.

for #2
i say send a card to her home so it is there when she gets back. seems like she isn't as in need of your physical presence as your other friend might be. tell her you love her and if she needs a shoulder or a visit that you're there for her. if she is keeping you at arm's length, imho it is best to respect that and let her know that you're there anyway if and when she wants to talk details.

just my 2 cents...
good luck, and so sweet of you to have your friends in mind when you are likely neck deep with your own kid and life.

-Samantha

[wwgonewest]

Shelly,

It sounds like your friends are really going through difficult times. I can understand about not wanting to intrude, I often feel the same way and either don't go and visit friends or stay at a hotel. But you know if you are close enough to stay with them or not. And most people (me included) are excited that a friend is coming and cares about them so much as to make the effort.

As for what to do and where to go, your friend whose mother has cancer sounds like she has some support and the hospital would not be a great place to take your daughter. Some places may not let her onto the floor. You could offer to go up and take her to lunch and spend the day with her. It might help her to get out and walk around a little, depending on how her mother is doing. She may not want to leave her side, in which case I would recommend you continue supporting the way your are, with phone calls.

As for your friend who is pregnant with twins and has two girls. She is going to need someone there to help her! As far as your daughter sleeping, if your daughter can not sleep on the floor, do you have a pack and play you could take? As for being in the way at night, you might want to consider getting up with her. She will have a difficult time getting out of bed and if coming downstairs, you could eliminate one trip by carrying a baby for her. If she is nursing the babies and you could get up, change them and hand them to her, that could be a great help. If she is bottle feeding, letting her sleep through the night for a few nights would really improve her recovery time and make her a much happier mommy. In a few days she will feel better and you can go home and sleep all night again.

Of course, this is just my opinion. Whatever you do to let your friends know that they are in your thoughts and prayers and that you care about them will help and encourage them. Good luck to all of you.

Wendi

[saranbr]

What difficult situations. About your second friend, I really agree with the last post-- maybe just a few hours with her, take her to lunch, even if it's the hospital cafeteria. She might just really appreciate the emotional support the most, and the opportunity to see your little one.

Your first friend, a bigger delimma I would say. The logistics of that situation: small house, stairs, toddlers, bathroom issues, etc, make the whole situation complicated. Is taking her two toddlers to your home for a week or few days a possibility? What if you went down for just a day or two, help with cleaning or just with the kiddos and bring several home-made meals for her freezer?

[luv2teach2]

For me there would be no question what I would do. I would go there and spend time with my friends and I would have my husband watch my DD for how ever long I choose to be away. Many people keep things inside but appreciate the love and support that friends provide. This is the time that your friends need you the most.

[shellydm]

Thank you everyone for your wonderful replies. I received great advice from you all, thank you!

That is a great idea about a pack and play! Or also going for a day to visit my friend whose mom is in the hospital and driving home that night since it's not that far.

Not that this excuses my hesitation in knowing what to do in my original post above, but I'll explain our friendships. I go way back with both of them, one from the 5th grade and one from college. We saw eachother often back then and were very close. We have always kept in touch over the years but I can probably count on one hand how many times I have seen either of them in person over the past 5 years since they all have their own lives now, friends who live close, husbands or boyfriends etc. After college we all moved. I lived overseas for a few years , then when I moved back to the states I lived around 14 hours away until the last few years where I live closer now, but not in the same place still. We always meant and planned to get together more often, but sadly with all our busy lives we didn't see eachother as often as we could have. (speaking about both my friends).

My friend from the 5th grade, we talk every week on the phone but haven't seen eachother in nearly 2 years.

My other friend from college, I haven't seen her in about the same time. I talk to her every few months on the phone and via email.

I consider them both good and dear old friends, but we are not really a part of eachothers everyday life. I don't know any of their friends, or the one's boyfriend. or the others husband well. I have met my one friends husbands several times, but don't know him well. Since we have all lived away from eachother for so long, they all have very close friends and support systems who live close to them, or in the case of my friend going to her hometown she has a few very close hometown friends she always visits when she goes home. And they are there for her now. Great advice about trying to get intouch with her local friends and see if they can help, and how I can help them help. I feel funny about going up since I haven't seen my friend for a few years, and I am sure her close friends and family are there. But on the other hand she is a dear old friend, and I want to support her too.

My friend whose mom is in the hospital, I have only met her mom maybe 2-3 times. We both lived away at college and I only went to her hometown several times. She never really liked to go to her hometown for some reason? She seemed to always come to my hometown and was very close to my family.

That does not mean I don't want to be there for her to see her or her mom while she is in the hospital, but I'm just trying to explain why I feel a bit torn about what I should do and everyone's comfort level in me going there. I don't know her family at all, like aunts, uncles, cousins and I don't know if they feel its private to be there. Does that make sense?

The last post from "luv2" about going without question has me thinking a lot too. I feel guilty and should probably just go and see them both and not worry about imposing. Going for 1 day shouldn't be a problem, but I will have to figure out what to do about going for a few days when my friend has her twins. We have 1 car since we are budgeting all our money so I can stay at home. We kept 1 car to save money, so if I take the car my husband will be without one while I'm gone. He does work from a home office, and could manage just to stay home 1 day. But I am not sure about several days if I go and stay with my friend after the twins are here.

I feel guilty and I know it all sounds like excuses, but they are all real factors in why I am hesitating. But I feel like a bad friend, and especially after the last post, I should just go. Thank you all for your honesty, I needed to hear everything.

Thanks again for all your great advice. I am going to re-read all the replies again and really think about them.

Thanks a million to each of you!!

Shelly

[hesabanana]

I know you've gotten a lot of responses already, but I wanted to chime in. Are these two friends "4 AM friends?" Meaning, if you had an emergency at 4 AM, would you think to call them for help? Would they think to call you? I would use this to guide how much you extend yourself to these friends. Just something to think about....

[annaguat]

Here is my take-
The friend with the twins, have you thought about her staying at your house for a week or weeks? Or maybe just her older little ones could stay longer after she is able to manage on her own. Ofcourse this would be after her DH is back to work. Her home set up just sounds to hard for me and I would not get any rest myself so would not be able to function. I realy hope for her there is a day time solution close to home to help her. Has she looked at her church? Our church has a special team to help in situations like that.

With your other friend maybe you are doing what is right for her already. I would still maybe send a package with some snacks and bath/relaxation items. Maybe CDs for her car when she drives up and down to her mom. You know her best but some people realy are not up to having others around them during crisis. If you do think she would benefit from seeing you then drive up for the day.

Hugs, Anna

[shelbydog]

I'll start with friend # 2 since that one seems easier to me. Since her hometown and the hospital is only 2.5 hours away, see if hubby can take 1/2 day to work from home - you take the car and go see her, take her to dinner, support her.

Friend #1 is more complicated. I remember after I had my bio son, I honestly didn't want anyone around - I know that sounds weird, but I had a c-section, I was exhausted and any visitors were really intrusions to me - it didn't help at all - made things worse - I felt like I had to care and worry about them too. I don't think she would feel comfortable going to your house at all. She will want to be home - in her home, with her husband so she can recover and also feel comfort regarding her Father. But, I do think you could offer to take the older kids for a day or a few days, or a weekend to give them a break. Take them on special outings, make them feel special and give her time to focus on the newborns. I also think you could be a huge help with meals - casseroles, etc. that you could order from places either locally or from a place like Omaha Steaks or even QVC - stuff she just has to pop in the oven or microwave.

We had a friend in our playgroup that was on complete bedrest for 6 months. We took turns making meals (or buying them), putting them in individual freezer bags and we delivered them to her. She was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom or go to the doc. It was a huge help.

I do think staying there with her 2 newborns and other kids would be an intrusion - JMHO - but there are so many other ways you can help - spend just a day and help her clean or get ready for the babies, cook for her one day....just go and come back in one day, or stay overnight in a hotel. I know you said money is an issue, but you can earn or save the money back. This is the time she needs you and you will be giving so much to her by helping, and get it back someday 10-fold. Hope that makes sense and helps.

[shellydm]

WOW! Absolutely wonderful suggestions everyone! I am really taking them all to heart.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart for taking the time to read my long saga and for all of your advice and insight and suggestions.

I really really appreciate each and every response, what wonderful wonderful solutions and suggestions.

Thanks a million!!

Shelly

[becky]

I agree with some of the other posters. Offer your help. There are some people who will just NEVER ask for help no matter how badly they need it.

For the pregnant friend, offer to come stay for a couple of days when her husband goes back to work. It might not be easy, but she would probably really appreciate the help and support.

For the friend with the dying mother...go to the hospital and take some homemade food. After eating hospital food for weeks and weeks, she would probably be really appreciative of the company and a home-cooked meal.

You sound like a really caring friend...they are both lucky to have you!

[Saya]

My dad passed away this past year after a long battle with cancer. Trying to balance work, family life, and dealing with my dad's illness made for an incredibly stressful time in my life. I tend to be someone who keeps people at arms length during a crisis as well, because I'm really concentrating on just dealing with the day to day details. Many of my friends said to me, both before and after he died, that they just weren't sure what was appropriate to do or say. They felt awkward and didn't know if I wanted company and privacy. I found that I was really thankful for those friends who took an extra step to show that they were thinking about me - to call and ask how I was doing and what I needed (even if I didn't really want to talk at the time), who brought food over, offered to babysit, or sent cards after dad died. And for some reason I was particularly touched by those who attended the funeral even if they didn't know my dad very well. I was also grateful for those friends who would just sit and listen on those days where I just needed to talk. I would just make yourself available - your friends will be touched to know you're there for them, even if they don't take advantage.

For your friend about to have the twins, I think it would be a really nice thing to offer to come up for a couple of days. I'm sure even your just taking her 2 daughters out for ice cream or something in the middle of the day would be a well needed respite. Do you know anyone else if her area that you could stay with if her house is too crowded?

You sound like a great friend!!

[maisy]

I agree with all the posters who suggest asking your friends what would be helpful.

My two cents worth is that I would not take a 2 1/2 year old child to a hospital when someone is seriously ill unless your's is one of those who can sit for hours perfectly content with crayons, etc. I would really, really exhaust all efforts to find a sitter, including spouse, for 1/2 a day so you can give your friend your undivided attention.

Your other friend really is going to have her hands full and it's a little concerning that she herself seems to have no plan on how she is going to manage everything!!! I have no idea what her extended family situation is but I would definitely want my mother, mother-in-law, sister, etc. to either take my older girls for awhile or move in and help me recover and get adjusted. I think it would be a lot to expect friends more than 1/2 hour away to be of much assistance. Having said that, if it would be possible to take the older girls for a few days, I know that would be something I would greatly appreciate.

You sound like a generous soul and a concerned friend - your friends are lucky to have you...