[jenniferw223]

My little boy just turned three last Sunday. I took a few days off this week to spend a little extra time with him. On Tuesday he says... mommy I'm beautiful. I said yes you are.. then he says mommy what color am I? I told him he was brown and he said I'm brown? I said yes.. he says ok mommy. He is getting to the age where he is starting to notice things. I tell him all the time that he is beautiful. I am not sure if maybe someone has told him he is beautiful because he is brown. Just thought I would post. What do you guys tell your children when they notice they look different from mommy and daddy?

[BobMiami]

Like you, I constantly tell my son he is very handsome. He calls himself brown, and I tell him that I think that is a wonderful color. I am pink. When we go to the beach, he notices that people are trying to get brown like him.

Yesterday, his "girlfriend" in kindergarten told him that she would never marry him when they grow up because he was "brown". Both the nanny and I reassurred my little guy, but I seriously wondered what her parents had been teaching her.
Bob

[guatparents2be]

bob, are you going to talk to the girl's parents?
i wonder if the teacher could do a 'colors of the rainbow' discussion?

[loveajax]

My DD is a very light skinned AA/cauc child. I have been reading to her a couple of books that i love, "The Colors of Us" (the illustrator, Karen Katz, is the mom of a Guatamalan child) and "Brown Like Me" about an AA child adopted into a white family.

All I can say (rather convincingly) is to make sure your child knows how beautiful he is and you think he is. you may encounter some "nastiness" along the way, but hopefully when he knows how beautiful he is, he can just be Ok with it (I get so mad sometimes, b/c my DD is soooo much more gorgeous than the "bland" kids in our neighborhood...! but I also hate "comparing" looks).

[kristinc]

My son when he was about 2 1/2 remarked how his skin looks like chocolate milk. This was the beginning of his questions. He asks a lot of questions and we answer them honestly. Last week my boys were staying at my sister's house (we were visiting our daughter in Guatemala). My son asked my mom if he had blond hair and light skin when he was born. My oldest son has dark hair but all of his cousins on my side have light skin and blond hair.
We talk all the time how wonderful our family is, made up of different skin color, hair color, eye color, heights...
He is just curious. I think I dwell on his questions a lot more than he does. He wants a simple answer

[poppy]

Our Guat girls aren't home yet but my very white skinned, red haired daughter LOVES talking about people's skin color. She thinks everyone is beautiful and can't wait to adopt from Ethiopia when she grows up.

We just bought a picture book by Karen Katz called The Color of Us. It's about a girl named Lena who is the color of cinnamon. It describes her family and friends by relating them to real life items such as butterscotch, cocoa brown, chocolate brown like cupcakes, peanut butter and pizza crust. It's a wonderful book showing how everyone is different but yet we are all people with beautiful skin.

[kellum5]

My son is 3.5 and DD is 3. He has seemed to notice he looks different than us.
He asked me a week or so ago if all babies come from Guatemala and why I sometimes called him my "beautiful brown biscuit baby."
We live in a town with lots of hispanics and he has commented on how lots of kids look like him and they look like their mommys and daddys.
So we have had several discussions about how he is one of our heart grown babies and adoption. Very simple answers seem to satisfy him.
I can't believe anyone would want their children to grow up and judge people by their skin tone. What are people thinking??? He understands people come in all colors and anyone can be his friend. What a reality shocker it will be if he ever finds out otherwise. It makes me so sad.

[amyfk]

Bob, sorry to hear of the experience your son had at school. I also wonder where the little girl got that statement, from her own head or from the adults in her life. It must have taken you by real surprise(and not a good one at that).
Back from my librarian days I remember a book called "Black is Brown is Tan" by Arnold Adoff. It celebrates the differences in families. The book was originally written a long time ago, but they have updated versions. I just went to Amazon and some of the readers gave it excellent reviews. It may be a good pick even though it's an older book.
Amy K, NJ

[wwgonewest]

Bob,

My son is 5.5 years old and has been asking questions and been recieving comments at daycare for about the last year. We moved from Boise, ID to a small town in the midwest where there is very little diversity. My son is of Mexican descent and my daughter is Gatemalan. After my son attended a birthday party where the family of the little boy was, the little boy started calling my son names at daycare. He would come home and ask me what they meant. He would also say that they told him he was not white. One night when my two kids were in the bath my son brought up that he was not white and I told him that the kids where right. He is a light brown and his sister is a medium brown and I am, and before I could say anything my daughter yelled out "PINK!" We discussed that there are many colors of people and that all are beautiful.

An unexpected help was the movie Hairspray. I did not see too much that would bother my kids at their age (3 and 5) and let them watch it since both love music. It was close to the end of the movie when my daughter realized that there were "brown people dancing and there are beautiful." Needless to say, I sat and cried with my baby and we now own the movie. She loves to watch the beautiful people with skin similar to hers.

There are many ignorant people in the world. I get so mad and upset when my kids are hurt. But I think that as long as my children are taught to accept and respect all people, they will do just fine. It is the best I can do.

Wendi

[LilmissBrianna]

My daughter is in 3rd grade and she loves Hannah Montana. She was confronted by other girls saying she could never be famous like Hannah Montana because of her color. She responded to others remarking on her black hair and "black" skin that she was special because black was made by all the colors of the rainbow. She is very comfortable with herself and is very beautiful inside and out. I tell her that is what is going to make her famous.

[cjrogers]

I hope I will be as poised and graceful as all of ya'll when and if this issue comes up.

Bob, that child's parents need a talking to....

I still can't believe all the ignorance in this country still. And even worse, planting things in childrens' heads.

uggh!!!

[JillnChris]

Wendi,

I also LOVE the movie Hairspray. I have always loved the original and now dd (only 11 months) LOVES the new one! It is one of the only things I let her watch on t.v. and I love that as she gets older it will teach her some things about diversity.

Bob,

That makes me so sad to hear what that little girl told your son. My nephew is of mixed race, AA and white, and when he was about 12 a girl that he liked at school told him she would never date him because he is black and she is white and that the bible says it is wrong. I told him that is a racist misinterpertation of the bible. It makes me so mad what some parents teach their kids.

I hope to have the right words for Eva if anyone ever says stuff like that to her. It breaks my heart just to think about it. She is such a beautiful girl and I hope she always knows that!

[Mariais5]

Jennifer ~ We haven't had to answer any questions like that yet.. But, I think our children's confidence and self acceptance comes first from them finding absolute acceptance from us, and it sounds like you're doing an awesome job..

Also, I wouldn't be so quick to judge the little girl's parents in the story that Bob mentioned. Sometimes kids just say things. My sister and I grew up with many AA friends. We have never said anything negative to our children about color or race. But, when her daughter was little, she told an AA librarian that she didn't like her because her shoes were yellow and her face was black. My sister was mortified and apologized over and over.. I have no idea why my neice would have said that, but I can assure you it wasn't because she heard something negative at home..

[BobMiami]

Hi. This is Jennifer's thread and all I wanted to do was to tell her that the color questions or issues are poignant for many of not most of us. As so many of you have suggested, a measure of love and reassurrance is all that is really necessary-- especially when our kids are young.

I perhaps am luckier and have a far easier job than most. In Miami, as a pink person, I am the distinct (almost neglegible) minority. My son is the majority by far, Spanish is the dominant language and my little guy has more than an ample supply of Latinos to respect and admire.

He has mentioned four more times this weekend this thing with his "girlfriend". I can tell that it means something to him and that it hurt him a bit. And each time, I did what Jennifer's instincts were-- to tell him how handsome he is and how much I love that we are family. (Tee hee, if this persists, I may have him watch "I Love Lucy" reruns with me! Sorry, not to tease on a serious subject.)

And certainly, I cast no aspersions on the little girl's family.

As far as color goes, however, it still makes a difference as unpleasant as it is for many of us to think about. As my son grows older, he will learn that there are distinctions even among the Latino community down here in one of the most diverse localities in our country. There was a terribly provocative (in a good way) article recently in the NY Times recently about the difference between "white" and "black" Cubans in Miami-- even though there are relatively few color distinctions in Cuba. Certain nationalities rank relatively higher or lower on the "acceptability" scale down here than others. Unfortunately, being an "X" is far, far better (or worse) than being a "Y", although color is a relatively small part of that.

As my son grows older, I will have to try to demonstrate through my words and actions that all of this is silly.

But for now reassurrance and love and sometimes a hug seems to be the right medicine for us.

Jennifer, I think you did everything right.
Bob

[PorkChop]

I was also going to recommend "The Color of Us" by Karen Katz, as kristinc did.

Another book I really like is "Families are Different" by Nina Pelligrini. This one points out that while some children look exactly like their parents, there are many, MANY types of families in the world, and some look alike and some don't (regardless of whether or not they are blood relatives).