[StephL]

i'm bumming right now because i just got done talking to my husband again about visiting and he is pretty set on not doing a visit trip. says it will be way to hard to go and visit and then leave him down there! i know it will be diffucult but i want to go! he told me he's fine if i just want to go by myself. I'm actually considering it but i don't want to go if he doesn't. Any suggestions? Did anyone else deal with their spouse not wanting to go? Has anyone just gone by themself? i don't want to go without him....but at the same time i want to go. sigh.......

[KMatthews]

Steph, I'm so sorry your in this situation... Tell DH he wont ever regret it. Many do go alone, and I'm sure they will post also...

[cjrogers]

My dh didn't want to go at all. Not soon after he made that decision, our agency stopped visit trips. 6 months later, he really, really, really wants to go.

You should go alone if he won't go with you. I would (and I'm a big scaredy cat and lived a very sheltered life... ). But as soon as visit trips opened I had already decided I was going with or WITHOUT him.

He'll come around.

[BobMiami]

Tell him about the advantages of coming home with an I-3 visa as opposed to an I-4.

[Call6]

I went alone and went it went well. My husband had mnay easons why he didn't want to go...work was a main problem but mainly he didn't want to get attached to our daughter and have something happen..he couldn't take the heart ache (big softy). I didn't pressure him. I went down and took a ton of pictures and video and I think he regretted it but I leave for pick up on Thursday...we will have the time in the world ...

[TenleysDaddy]

You and your husband should go......it will be a priceless visit, you will not get the opportunity to do it again, but do it for your new child! Don't worry about the leaving. It will be HARD but the visit is priceless.........
Tell him to rethink this.
Scott

[TXTennis]

It is SOOOO worth it. Saying goodbye is hard sure - but saying hello was priceless. For us being first time parents it was very enlightening and a good "practice" for when she came home. Plus the advantages of the VISA.

[cheri68]

We actually put our little girl back in her foster mother's arms one month ago today. My husband described his emotions prior to visiting as "cautiously excited." WELL, after holding her for 2.3 seconds, he was head-over-heels in love. He said after that trip, he would never be the same. SO, for what it is worth, tell your husband that. For me personally, it was 4 of the best days of my life. I can't put a price tag on what it was like. I felt safe enough that I would totally go alone. Pray about it and your answer will surely appear!

[RGirl]

I'm so sorry - you must be so frustrated.

I think you should seriously consider just going by yourself if he really doesn't want to go. I visited twice by myself (I am not married) and once with my mom before pick-up. I never had any problems going by myself. I always met lots of other adoptive families, so I had adults to talk to when I wanted. Really, that time with your child is so wonderful and so intense because you really don't have to think about anything else - you are stuck in a hotel in another country so work and other normal-life concerns are virtually nonexistent. Hahaha

I hope you get to go!

[Mariais5]

I agree with telling your husband about the I-3 visa.. PLUS, these are times with your child that you will NEVER get back.. You'll get pictures with your child at an age that will never happen again..

It's difficult to leave your baby, but once they're home in your arms, you will be SO grateful that you did visit..

If your husband still decides against visiting, go alone.. I did several times, and I had no problems.. You'll meet other aparents at the hotel to talk to, and the navigation to and from the airport is very simple.. Most agencies require that you remain in the hotel with the baby, and there are plenty of restaurants in the hotels or ones that deliver.. I say GO! :-)

[kzwief]

Steph~I totally know how you feel. DH is still pretty set on not taking a visit trip and until recently it was a non issue for us as our agency was not allowing visits until you were in PGN. Well now that we are in PGN I want to go so bad, even just for an extended weekend! I was even looking into flights and everything. DH is worried about having to leave our DD and the financial aspect of taking a trip. I say if our DH's don't want to go, we should go!!

[saranbr]

Yes. After having to leave DD after our visit trip I vowed I would not visit if we adopted again. Well, I need to stop vowing cause we then accepted the referral of a 3 yr old boy and our SW recommended visiting (he would be nearly four when we visited) because he would remember us and it might help him to have a real face to our pictures. Anyway, I decided that I was willing to go and DH said he didn't care to go. We compromised-- the three of us (he, I and our 19 mo old) flew down there and he stayed one night and then flew home. I stayed the rest of the week with the two kids. That way we got the immigration benefits of both of us visiting for not much more than the visit trip for just me.

[GDSinPA]

Tell your husband to PM me if you want. I was pretty set on NOT visiting either, but my wife pretty much talked me into it. I didn't think we had the money, but then she gave me the perspective that if we're spending this much already, we could find a way to afford a 5 day trip.

It was the most amazing wonderful and life changing experience I've ever had. It was very hard to leave our daughter, but it would have been harder having my wife down there going through this without me.

Also, having had a bit of a rough PGN ride now, I am so thankful that I decided to go. I told my social worker without that if she ever has a father waffling at all about a visit that she should tell them to go.

Just go, it's a beautiful amazing experience, the smartest decisions I ever made!
Blessings,
-Greg

[SKL]

I have to agree with the other posters. A visit trip somehow makes everything more real. Before that, I was already head-over-heels and super-emotional and constantly yearning and worrying. All that started the instant I saw the referral pictures and videos, and it did not get "worse" after the visit trip. The visit changed my connection with my children from a dream of my own creation to a more honest vision of the future.

I could list dozens of reasons why it was better to go than not go (but I won't, because other posters already have). I am single. My mom came with me because I was visiting with two babies, but frankly I did at least 95% of the work myself. I have heard of single moms going alone to visit two babies. You can definitely do it alone with one baby.

I would suggest you set up the visit trip for yourself. As the anticipation builds, I would not be surprised if your husband changes his mind and hops on that plane with you.

Good luck!

[ncurry3]

I'm going to mostly agree with everyone else. We went, although the day before we went I seriously wanted to cancel the trip. I'm glad we did, because we got video of her that we would not have had if we hadn't gone. I will say that having to do the hand back was worse than I expected, and I expected it to be the worst thing in the world. It was worse than that. Would I do it again? I have no idea, and hopefully I'll never have to make that decision. BUT, I would have regretted it had I NOT gone. -Cameo