[pigmom]

How was the experience of having a bio child, other than the obvious, different or alike, harder or easier, etc etc from adopting. I know all of us adoptive/step mothers would love to hear. Thanks

[hopin4ababy]

The hardest thing I think is constantly wondering whether challenges are attachment problems or just normal toddler behavior. With my bios, I always knew it was just normal trials but I find myself second guessing it with Anna.

The transition has been wonderful and my bios look at people strangely if someone asks if that is her sister. To them, she is so much their sister they don't understand why anyone would question it!!!

[lmvsmom]

I must agree. It has been the wondering about attachment issues. My bio is 16 y.o. so it's been a long time since I had one this little. I can't remember what was normal or typical of a toddler.

[LRA]

I have to honestly say that there has been no difference. The only thing that I find different is that my bio child was a girl and adopted child is a boy so they do things differently. She was a more verbal, sit and read a book with you child. He is a lets see how it works, how much noise it makes and can I climb it kinda child. Please don't slam me for saying this but I have really not given the attachment issue a thought, until I read it on here, then I wondered if I was missing something. I do know it is real, and am not discounting anyone else's problems. I guess we just got lucky, we have a very lovey, well adjusted guy.

[wertygirl]

There have been a couple of differences that I have noticed. Since our bio son was born first, I think it has really helped me to assess Molly's needs better. Right now our girl is ON THE MOVE. I remember this stage from when our son did it. I'll pick her up and she pushes against me. If I hadn't gone through it with our son I would think it might be an attachment issue. I know that it's just that she wants to get down and keep moving. She even wakes herself up because her body will start crawling and she'll bonk the crib.


I hesitate to post this, but it's honest and I hope it helps someone. I know we would all prefer to have had our little ones home as soon as possible, but the first six months are not that memorable. When my son was born it took a LONG time to physically recuperate. They tell you it takes 6 weeks, but most bio moms I know agree that it's months. I spent a lot of time in a sore, exhausted haze and my son spent most of his time crying and sleeping. I enjoyed the time, but I don't have many clear memories of it because there really wasn't much happening, and you're figuring the babies needs out and there's a lot of floundering. I would have loved to have Molly home earlier, but if I had to miss a part of her life- the first few months were the bit I would pick. I'm at peace with it. If I didn't have the prior experience with my son I think I would be MUCH more dissappointed. My heart is crowded with memories of my son's life so far (he's 4 & 1/2) and the first 6 months might make up 5%. That's just my experience, but I hope it helps someone.

[DPline]

Well, I had the labor from h*** (46 hours) and my son ended up in the NICU after that due to feeding issues, but compared to our adoptions it was a walk in the park. In my opinion, adoption is a thousand times harder than even the worst birth experience.

And I agree with Wertygirl. The only thing I remember about my son's first 3-4 months is being amazed at how totally exhausted one could be and still function! As much as I wish I knew more about my other children's first few months (they were older at referral) I think she said it well. . . "if I had to miss a part of her life- the first few months were the bit I would pick."

While my children have not shown any attachement issues (home three years today, and 2.5 years) it still is always in the back of my head. "Is this normal kid behavior or attachment." And I worry about down the road, rebellion and 'you aren't my real mother' type stuff.

Hope this helps!

[CurlysGirly]

Originally Posted by wertygirl

I hesitate to post this, but it's honest and I hope it helps someone. I know we would all prefer to have had our little ones home as soon as possible, but the first six months are not that memorable.

Kim, I completely agree with you. It didn't make me not want her home ASAP but if there was a point that I had to pick, that would be it.

In terms of how I feel about them. I can honestly say with out a doubt that I love them 100% equally. They are each different but both melt my heart.

Adoption was hard and an emotional roller coaster. Pregnancy (trying to get PG, staying PG) was also a roller coaster in a different way. I can say that I never want to be PG again but would consider adoption again (if only DH would say yes )

[LilmissBrianna]

With my daughter who is adopted and my first we were handed our daughter four hours after birth and the whole first month was a "fog". With the pregnanacies (then had two bio boys) I had 40 weeks to prepare and bond (you do bond while pregnant). With this adoption though I have feelings that I did not have with any of my other children, desperation, frustration, loss of control, no timeline. I am a planner so this is very frustrating to not know when she will come. Hope this answers your questions. Everyone is different but they are all my children.

[wildboyz2]

I found the adoption process to be more difficult than my pregnacies. My pregnancies were pretty typical except for delivery. So at least I knew the steps and end result. I found it difficult after referral knowing that my child was in someone else's care and I couldn't get to her.

However, I agree that if I had to miss moments of time it would be the 1st few months. I also questions normal development and attachment. But over all I think Evangeline's transition has been smooth.

If you are asking do I love her as much as my bio sons, YES! My emotions are just as intense for her as it is for them.

[CashCrew]

I couldn't agree more with Kim! I feel like I lived in a fog the first several months with my bio children. And I'll agree with the other posters that said determining whether an issue is age/developmental related or attachment related is a big difference (however we've been home 6mo and that is already really starting to subside).

I can also say without a doubt that I love all 5 of my kids (4 are bio, 1 adopted) exactly the same. I forget all the time that Kemry wasn't with me those first 7 months. I caught myself trying to remember her as a newborn (as if I had given birth to her) one day and it took me quite a while to realize I couldn't remember what I was trying to remember because she wasn't with us from birth. (I have done this several times, even trying to remember my pregnancy with her when I was comparing my pregnancies.)

Something that really popped out at me when Kemry really started to show deep attachment and love for us was "this child CHOOSES to love us" whereas with my bio children I just took it for granted. It was a given that they would love us and be attached. I love all of my children with all my heart, EQUALLY, but I have to say it was a completely different feeling when Kemry started choosing to accept us as her parents and love us the way we loved her.

The most physical difference I noticed with bringing home a 7 month old vs a newborn is how shocked, achy, and tired my muscles were. I carried my bio children constantly and my adopted daughter as well, but I was able to start out with a 6-7lb baby and slowly get used to it as the baby grew with the bio children. With Kemry, I went from carrying no children to a 16lber overnight. LOL

[pigmom]

Thank you all for your candid remarks. I am so looking forward to the arrival of my DD. I'll never know how it feels to be a bio mother, but I don't think I would love my own anymore than I'll love this little girl. I even feel great affection for her bio mother for her great sacrifice.

[Alexismandyjr]

I have 5 bio children ranging from 20 years of age to 4 years of age. You guys won't believe me when I say I never enjoyed being pregnant. I disliked feeling sick most of the time, carrying the extra belly weight and the sleepless nights. Then the first 4 months of having a newborn home wore me out completely.

On the other hand, the adoption process made me sick to my stomach most of the time. My nerves were shot (specially with J.R.'s adoption) and the uncertainty of everything made me so sick I had to be prescribed Paxil for a while.

I LOVE all my kids equally, I bonded to each one of them differently (even my 5 bio children). They each have a special place in my heart. I am a very lucky lady!

[becky]

I much prefer the adoption method of becoming a family. I didn't like pregnancy. I cannot remember my children as newborns because I was so worn out, sore, and tired.

When Bella came home at 4.5 months of age I felt great, I enjoyed her from the first moment she was home. I was well rested and able to give my full attention to her.

As for how I 'feel' about parenting 4 biological children and 1 adopted child...I guess I am different than most. I do feel different about Bella. I fell so LUCKY to be her parent. Sometimes my husband and I just stare at her and we comment that we cannot believe that we get to be her parents...it is the greatest blessing in the world.

I love my biological children...but I guess I have always taken them for granted...they are our kids...they are great...but the way Bella came to us is so special and of all the children in the world how we found each other is nothing short of a miracle to me!

[dovelu]

I have 3 kids: one bio son (11) & two adopted Guatemalan dds (2 & 1 -- home at 4 & 9.5 mos)

I LOVED being pregnant, even though I was really, really sick (DH & I moved in with my parents so that they could take care of me for 2 mos). I enjoyed breastfeeding (for 11 mos) and I love my son millions. I too was horribly sleep-deprived but I still loved it.

I also LOVED adopting, and I agree with posters who say that it is like a million times harder. The stress, the uncertainty, the longing, the loss of control. I LOVE these babies millions; sometimes I am afraid that I "favor" them because I am so honored that they are in my home. My family spoils them to bits too. I had/have an amazing support network so that makes any experience even better.

I don't forget the girls are adopted. I think about their birth moms and foster moms daily. I pray for them daily. I feel like our family has 3 different stories that are all so beautiful & unique. I think of sonograms & visit trips, about my embassy appointment & labor-- it's all emotional, it's all awesome, it's all a gift.

I LOVE being a Mom. It is such a great honor and gift from God and I would welcome either method of growing a family again. The one thing that I would NEVER do again is try hard to get pregnant. That was the worst.

My one worry is that the babies will be sad one day that they are adopted. But I don't worry about that very much; I just love them so much that I don't want them to feel pain.

Thanks for asking,
Amy

[bc14195]

I am in agreement with the other posts. The only thing I can add is that I thought I would really miss the breast feeding (i nursed bio sons 18 months and 13 months respectively) but actually bottle feeding is a very close bonding experience as well. If I could have nursed this child as well I would have, but except for the extra expense of formula and the health benefits of breast milk I would say they are not as different as I thought.

Also for me the pregnancy part was really bad so I am enjoying my newest son with out all that extra stuff too.