[neenasee]

My son was adopted at 10 months old and I am worried that he has attachment issues. I need some opinions. Here are the things that concern me. Please tell me if I am overreacting.
1. Cries most of the time when I leave to go out without him
2. Cries at bedtime that he wants me to sleep with him (although I haven't given in)
3. Cried when I changed the pictures on his wall that he (misses his old pictures). He cried for weeks at bedtime over this even though he wanted me to change the theme of his room from dinosaurs to cars which we did.
4. Cries and screams when I drop him off at school.
and this is the new thing which REALLY got me wondering.
I have always been up front with him about his adoption. He asked me a few months ago if he was "in my belly" I told him that another lady in Guatemala had him in her belly for me and then when he was born I came to get him. WELL, the last time I got mad at him because he was throwing a tantrum over something silly he started to scream and cry "I miss my old mommy" "I want to go back to Guatemala" When I went in his room and held him he was so hysterical he could barely breath saying "I miss my old Mommy SOOOOOO much". I never used the term "old or other mommy". I was so surprised to hear this from a 4 year old. Should this worry me? What should I do? How do I react? and will this get worse? I really need some input/advice.
Thank you
Nina
_____
I also posted on the attachment forum but didn't get any replies so I thought I'd try here._

[Saya]

Hey - I'm not the best person to give advice in this case, since my daughter is only 18 months. But it sounds like he's starting to emotionally and intellectually process some difficult things about being adopted, and that understandably that's a difficult thing to do at 4 years old. It makes him feel scared that you'll leave him (if my other mommy left me, why not this one), while leading him to mourn what he's lost. I think many of our children will go through some form of this, even if their attachment to their parents is completely solid.

It sounds like he needs lots of reassurance that mommy is always going to be there for him. He may need to be babied - he may need to regress a little, I would think, i.e. need you around more, need to be held more, etc. And he may need you to tell him that it's OK for him to miss his "old Mommy" and help him with the mourning process. Once again, this is all just my opinion.

Good luck, and let us know what happens.

[JillnChris]

I have no advice expect to ask if you have read the books "Raising Adoptive Children" and "20 things adoptive kids wish their adoptive parents knew." I would highly recomend both books if you don't have them already.
I have no idea what I will do when Eva reaches that stage but I know I will def. look to these books for help.
Hope you get some answers. I bet it just broke your heart to hear those words from your son, but I'm sure he didn't mean them, he was probably just mad and trying to hurt you.
I completely agree with what the other poster said, he probably needs to hear from you that "it is okay to miss his old mommy."
Best of luck.

[nannyisme2004]

Hi. My daughter came home at 11 months and turns 4 this month. We have some of the same issues. And it has become worse since bring home DS last week. She screams when I drop her off at preschool and her auntie is her teacher! Once I leave and they get around the corner she is fine. I just keep reassuring her that we are a forever family all the time and forever. It took her a good 8.5/9 months to attach to me. Her new thing is to tell me she doesn't want me to be her mommy forever, etc. She is an extremly emotional kid to begin with. Eventually on her own she feels remorse and tells me she wants me to be her mom forever, etc. She cries hysterically through all this. When she tells me stuff like this I just keep reassuring her that we are a forever family, that I love her very much and will always love her, etc. I remind her that I always come back for her and that's what mommies do. If she tells me she doesn't want me to be her mommy, etc. I always validate her feelings, "I am sorry that makes you so sad, etc. I am always here for you, etc. You get to go to school because that is what kids do." For my daughter a lot of the time when she starts like this she is overly tired. She has had a lot of health issues and so we have never had enough sleep since she came home three years ago. We co-sleep (I am a single mom).

[maisy]

We also brought our daughter home at 10 1/2 months and she has absolutely no recollection at all of her foster mother or her life in Guatemala. She does know that she is adopted and the other day she told me I wasn't her "real" mommy. She didn't say it in a mean way - it was very matter of fact. I informed her, also in a very matter of fact way, that I was indeed her "real" mommy and that ended the conversation and she was on to something else. (And we also have had the "your mommy in Guatemala had you in her tummy" talk). My daughter goes through cycles of being more or less clingy and she has NEVER willingly gone to bed. I'm no expert at all but I do think what's going on with your son doesn't necessarily have to have anything to do with him being adopted. I may be completely in the minority here but we don't view adoption as some sort of traumatic event our in daughter's life that requires analyzing or agonizing over every tantrum, statement, question, or behavior. (not that you are doing this but I have seen quite a few parents in our local Guatemalan group who won't even discipline their children because in their words "they've been through so much already" and these are children that were all adopted under the age of 10 months!) I think most kids at various stages in their lives try to test their parents authority and/or try to be the center of attention and have the whole world revolve around them and they have an uncanny ability of knowing just what to say and do to get that attention and have their way. I have no doubt your son gets oodles of love and attention so hopefully you don't feel that you are doing anything wrong. My two cents worth would be to stick with his current routines, be firm about things that are for his own good, and take comments from his limited understanding at this age of adoption with a grain of salt.

[Mardan]

We are having some similar situations at times here as well. We brought Mary home at 9 and a half months and she is just a couple of months away from being 4. We have always been upfront about her adoption but when our next door neighbor got pregnant last year and got closer to delivering her baby well that started the baby talk (which truthfully I knew was coming but was not quite ready when the questions finally did come). Well she started asking did I grow in your tummy and don't I go and tell her I have a broken tummy that can't grow a baby. Well off and on since then she will get mad, throw my food off my plate and say "You should not have that in a broken tummy", and things of the like. She has always been a little on the more emotional side but even more so since little brother came home in December. What I am doing with her is keeping her on her routine as much as possible, have our own special date nights and that has seemed to help. She also goes to preschool and for the first week cried before she went in but is always ok once we leave.

Julie (proud mom to a princess and a prince)

[gabrielsmom]

Thanks for sharing. I have been wondering about this type of issue. I am about to bring my 14 month old son home. I don't have much advice, but I will say my boi. daughter has done similar things before, just for sake of control. In my opinion, your son may be trying to deal with his adoption as well as "testing the waters." I would just keep reassuring him. You could tell him he was "born in your heart." Maybe get out photos of him and you from when he first came home. Let him see how much he has grown, and how you have been his mommy for all of his life.(since he was growing in your heart from the first time you saw him). I certainly wouldn't take it personally, although I know that is difficult to do sometimes. Maybe it wouldn't be a bad idea to let him sleep with you or just try spending more one on one time with him. Just my opinions. I have been going through these things in my mind a lot.... hoping I don't have to deal with seperation anxiety, but figuring I will.

[blueprints]

As the mom of to children with severe RAD, I'm really sensitive and may be over reacting but I would error on the side of caution. I'd look for an attachment specialist in your area, they will work with you on how best to handle his fears and anxiety.

To me it seems like it's possible that he remembers his foster family and leaving them was a tramatic expereince. In fact our therapist says that between 8 months and one year old is a very bad time for them to be moved because it is when they are just starting to get stranger anxiety.

The reason they do remember is because you usually remember a tramatic experience... for instance, everyone remembers where they were on 9-11 but no one remembers what you did on 9-10 or 9-12.

It sounds to me like your son has anxious attachment and he may need a little therapy until he can trust that you are not going to leave him. All of this comes from his fear, that one day his entire family went away and he never seen them again. With a little help, I'm sure that he'll be fine. Hope this helps, let me know if you would like to know more.

[annaguat]

Maybe he just has a hard time with change. He sound smore like my bio kids then my children that came home by adoption. My children that strugled with attachement had actually the exact opposite behvior an dhave no attachment to anything material or people and happily go on or off to the next thing or person. Anna

[Niclayson]

In my opinion, your son's attachment sounds like anxious attachment...and yes, this can appear even 3 years after adoption. He may also simply be going through some emotional sorting related to adoption. Kids are smart and they sometimes figure things out sooner than we expect.

If there is an attachment therapist in your area, I'd recommend simply meeting with them for advice. good luck!

[MiniSnowta]

that I was adopted when I was young...placed at 10 months and adopted offically by the time I was two years old. I have always had abandonment issues. When I was little I remember I used to sit and think why my first mommy would give me up (even though I knew her rights were terminated). I agree with a previous poster that your child is starting to cognitively attempt to make sense of this thing we call adoption. I would re-assure your child that you love them and that you'll always be his mommy and that you are so glad that he/she is your child. I am also an adoptive parent to a 3.5 year old child with another on the way ( at least I hope). Feel free to PM me if you would like to talk.

[shelbydog]

I have a different spin/opinion. At ages 4 and 5, my BIO son went through these things. He would panic if I left the room at a Birthday party for example. He cried and had horrible sep. anxiety most places, including school. I was really REALLY worried about him starting kindergarten. It was a phase for about 4 months and then stopped almost abruptly. It's almost like he suddenly realized that the world CAN be a scary place and he wanted me near all the time. It was very, very hard for me. At playdates he would sit on my lap vs. play with his friends.

I mention this because if your adopted child had this issue also (and it was NOT related to adoption, let's say...)...AND you started talking to your child about the fact that he/she was adopted? Well if it were my son, I can't imagine how bad the sep. anxiety would have been!! I know of two other children my son's age - one a neighbor and one a classmate, who went through the same type of phase - both bio children. So I can't say if it's an attachment thing - it may just be a phase.....to give you hope, he is fine now and I have a confident, well adjusted child (although I was quite worried about him psychologically when it was happening.)

I'm not so sure anymore if I will share with Mia, her adoption background until she is much older and more able to emotionally process it. I'm really not sure. Good luck.

[angelkisses0102]

It can never hurt to get him evaluated by a QUALIFIED attachment therapist. I would also suggest learning about abandonment issues that many adult adoptees talk about.

My DD started showing some overt signs of abandonment issues at about this age...she was adopted at age 10 months and had zero attachment issues...her process to secure attachment was very easy and smooth.

There is a huge difference between attachment and abandonment issues...and it took me a while to wrap my mind and understanding around it.

Good luck!

[Slatond10]

No real advise but thanks for asking the question! My DD will be 3 next weekend. On one level I feel she is totally attached to me but I am sure we will encounter some of what you are experiencing in the near future.

Just some thoughts? Like you shared with DS, I have shared with DD that she is adopted. She knows she was born in Guatemala. I did a search earlier in the year and have a recent pic of her "tummy" Mom. I have not shown her yet. I was planning to incorporate in her next family picture book that she looks @ almost everyday when I update the photos. Do you have pictures of foster family or birth family? Can you give him something concrete?

[lmitchem]

Here's my take...as an adopted child also. When you tell a child they are adopted...that is life changing. He is scared you are going to go away and he's acting out because he's afraid (in my opinion) that you are going to leave him too. My parents didn't tell me I was adopted until the summer before kindergarten. Lots of people don't agree with that but it worked great for us. She was never called my mom, mother, etc....she was always the lady that had me. My mom talked very nice about her to me but we never used the word "mom", "other mom", "first mom", etc. I think when you use those terms you are setting yourself up to hear "your not my real mom". And in all honesty after being on this earth for 39 years I've never once thought that my mom was not my "real mom"....not even when I was extremely mad at her or my dad. But I was very clingy to my mom because I was afraid someone would take me away from them one day. Just my opinion.

Lisa