[robandjulie]

Our son, referred to us only a few weeks ago, died last night. I'm heartbroken. I want to fly to Guatemala this weekend just to be there and mourn, but it seems sort of pointless. My heart just breaks that this little boy died never knowing he had a family. I'm sure his foster mother loved him and is grieving, also, and I want to somehow express that to her.

For those that have been through a loss...how did you cope? Had you visited? We hadn't yet, since it was only a few weeks ago and we accepted knowing it may not work out for political reasons and were trying to stay somewhat detached until we knew the status of in process and all that. We were preparing ourselves for a loss in terms of him not coming home but still knowing he had a life in Guatemala or elsewhere. Now, to lose him forever, I'm completely gutted.

And of course, given the situation, if we want to proceed with a new referral we have to do it immediately if not sooner. We're still interested in adopting and our agency is wonderful about the risks right now and very understanding, and we can't afford to wait due to politics, but my heart is so deeply with our baby boy.

Should we try to visit? Can I write a letter to the foster mom?

[Karenanne]

I just wanted to say that I am so sorry for your loss. I think it maybe difficult on you to visit. I think you first time going to Guatemala should be a happy time. My prayers are with you and your family.

[xmasgirl2000]

I have never felt the loss you are feeling right now. I can tell you that my heart is breaking for you and your son.

I'm sending you a huge hug and sympathy.

Noel

[CEB]

I am so sorry for the loss that you experienced. I hope your heart heals with time and your child finds you when the time is right.

[judymend]

Oh Julie, I'm so sorry for your loss. My prayers and thoughts are with you and your family and the families abroad.

If you decide that you need to communicate your feelings via a letter or over the phone with the Foster Family, please do not hesitate to call on me...I would be so honored to do the translation or interpreting for you.

Blessings

[pippac]

Don't have answers to your questions but I just wanted to say how sorry I am to see this post. It is amazing how we fall in love with the children referred to us and I cannot even begin to imagine how you feel.
Hugs, Pippa

[ERAmy]

so very sorry for your loss.

[clmehkids]

I am very sorry for the grief you are feeling. My experience is different, yet still grief and death. We had twin boys (bio) in March. We new one was sick and it would be touch and go with him. When they were born via c section, the sick twin --whom we named Isaiah--was obviously a lot sicker than anyone knew. He only lived 18 hrs. We had a lot of very hard decisions to make, but we feel we made the most humane decisions after a lot of prayer. Days later I buried my son. It was the hardest thing I have ever had to do and I pray I never have to do that again. I know our situations are different, but grief is still there. Allow yourself to grieve. I know you have to make decisions qickly about a new referral. Unfortunately, only you can make those decisions--but if it were me, I would move forward with another referral. Yes, definately write a letter to the foster mom--and can you also write one to his birth mother--will the atty give it to her? Can someone translate? That is, if it would help you in any way.
As far as visiting--again, only you can decide, but I would not if it were me--only b/c you had not visited up to this point; therefore, you hadn't met the fm nor the child in person (although I know he was yours in your heart) and I think it may be harder for you--especially if you choose to move forward with a new referral and having those memories, allow yourself to grieve here and heal. But, with that said, you need to do whatever is going to help you to heal.
I have a friend who went through what you are going through. She did accept another referral, although very reluctantly--but she is now glad she did. She is still in process. If you want me to link you up with her, let me know--just PM me.
I will pray for you. Your loss is very real. But this little one is with Jesus now. He is in the presence of The King! Another child needs a mommy. If you can move forward, I would. Again, you have to do what you can do.
Take care of yourself during this time.
I am here if you need me.
Kim

[Truthdefenders]

I'm so sorry for your loss. No advice, except to make sure you fully grieve this little guy, even if you do accept a new referral. Don't try to push down the feelings. Just let them come. I think a letter to the foster mom or even to your son may be helpful to begin the healing. It may also help to write out your prayers.

Again, I'm sorry. Sending hugs to you.

[drasusi]

Oh, what heartbreak. I'm sure there are SOOO many intense emotions with this news. I often find that writing helps me to come to terms with my emotions, and so I think it's a great idea to write a letter to the foster mother. Even if she never receives it, it's also a letter from your heart to the child who has died...but I hope your agency and their lawyers and facilitators would help you to make that gesture be real.

Our son's foster mother talked at great length about the wake and funeral that she arranged for a child who died in the care of her sister, who also does foster care. They were both terrified that they would be blamed or lose the opportunity to continue fostering...but they were also afraid that if they didn't do the services themselves, the baby would be buried without dignity and love. Her eyes welled with tears as she described it, and it had happened years ago. Of course every foster mother is different, but most I've met do try to give love along with food and shelter, even if economics drives their choice to do this.

And consider having your own ceremony, as fits with your beliefs and/or comfort....I work with quite a few orphanages in developing countries, and when a girl that I had helped arrange extraordinary care for died in spite of that, I couldn't get to her funeral. I really needed to mourn for her, so I had some friends come for a tea/memorial service...I put her photo on the table and spoke of my interactions with her, and my friends listened supportively. They are not religious so I didn't pray with them, but I did pray as I put away her photo, and after that I felt much more at peace. Hoping you can find peace with this news, and then eventually happiness with a new referral, if you choose to proceed. Sorry again for your loss.

[jordi]

Oh, Julie, I am so very very sorry. I lost my first referral, but not through death. He had some health issues, but when I went to visit him, he was in the hospital with major health issues, and so it was after that visit that I lost the referral. My heart was broken, but of course I don't know how you're feeling. I just know how bad a broken heart feels, and I am sending a big hug your way in hopes that you will do what you need to do during this time. If you feel led to go to Guatemala, then do. If you feel led to write to his foster family, do, I'm sure it would touch their hearts, and yours, immensely. Please take care of yourself, and know that we are all thinking about you and lifting you up in support and prayer.

[chester5]

I am so incredibly sorry. I don't have any advice for you. Please know that you are in my thoughts and prayers. I truly cannot imagine what you are feeling and experiencing right now.

[daynesmom]

No words of advice, but am sending (((hugs))) your way. I am so sorry for your loss.

[adoptlove66]

I am so sorry to hear this. Peace be with you at this time.

[JustBarbara]

Julie - words cannot express how much sadness I know you are feeling for this little boy and for what could have been. I would not go to Guatemala now but I think the idea of writing a letter to the fostermom is beautiful and Judy would be so helpful in getting it interpreted/ translated. I can only imagine how sad the fostermom is after caring for this little baby most of his life. May this little angel rest in peace. Peace to you and your family.