[JoBravo]

We have been home with Layla for 2 months now and she still wants nothing to do with her daddy??? I spent the last couple of weeks in G.C. with her alone and she did not want anything to do with him while we were there. I thought it would get better when we came home but it has gotten worse. He is so sad and the only thing I can think of is that he took her from the foster mom and my first weeks home he would take her to give me a break when he got home?? The sad part is that she has started to go up to other random men and put her arms up for them?? She seems fine with him if I am in the same room but screams if he picks her up. Any ideas and has this happened to anyone else? She is turning 16 months old this month and is very clingy to me and cries if anyone else tries to take her, other than the few people she reaches out for(most we have never seen before). Thanks for your input!
Jolene
Mommy to Eli,(5) Noah(4) and Layla (16mos) all from Guatemala

[JustBarbara]

Okay, this is probably going to sound a little weird. But perhaps you might try - when DH is in the room that you go directly to him, cling to him, sit on his lap - I'm not being funny here. If you act as if you "need" him everytime he walks in the room, comes home, calls on the phone. And perhaps he can give you a big hug, pat you, comfort you, bring you a cup of whatever - little Layla might pick up on it. Of course this means you will have to do a bit of role-playing here as well. Perhaps when it's time to change diapers, feed Layla you might loudly exclaim that you 'need help from daddy' and then DH could come and help you change, feed etc. Just a thought from a single mom but a thought nevertheless.

[mom2behappy]

try to leave just dd and dh alone in a room yes she may cry but she will be okay, in time she will bond with daddy also allow him to meet her needs without you around, maybe he can wear her around take her out to the store with him alone just doing somethings alone will allow her to feel comfortable

[Candace3]

I agree with momtobehappy. our dd also has a lot of trouble bonding with dh at first. he was around her 24/7 for the first week and she still didn't attach. Let your dh meet her needs (change her, feed her, rock her) without you being there.
Give your husband a hug! I know it is hard for him! Tell him it will get better!

[ajjhmf]

Some kids take longer to attach to one parent. My son attached to me first and later to my dh. Tell him to keep working at it and to not give up.

[snugs1974]

My DS was velcro to me for the first few weeks because he hadn't really been around that many men before-three foster sisters and his foster mom. It took awhile to warm up, but he did and now they are best buds (we've been home just under two months). I agree with the other posters-have DH spend some alone time, and take care of her (change, feed, bathe). That is what helped us. Good luck!

[ana-mom]

When DD first came home she was like that and pretty much held that pattern until around September (although we saw signs that she was attaching to him).

I immediately started working on Saturdays when she came home so that DH could have that day alone with her. I think it helped a lot with their relationship. He also made a point of playing with her every evening when he got home from work. Sure, he got frustrated during this period but he just hung in there.

[beejay]

I also agree with mom2behappy -- my DD was like this for the first 6 months home. Nobody but mommy could hold her, change her , feed her etc..... Finally I just left daddy take over and after a couple months of him helping with her needs she was more comfortable with him. Now she is 4 yrs old and a BIG DADDY'S GIRL!!!!! But it took her awhile!!! My DS is the complete opposite --- he took to both of us instantly.

[Larue]

OK. I'm going to be the bad guy here. But I really think that what you are describing is attachment related. The Velcro Baby thing, is not actually healthy attachment to you. Quite the opposite. And her adversion to DH and reaching out to random men sounds like "daddy shopping". My opinion - it's because she feels that he will "leave" her eventually. So she is searching for his replacement. Please do not think that this has anything to do with you or DH as parents. You have only been in her life for 2 months. Remember you were waiting for her. She was not waiting for you. She has to learn to trust you. And trust that you will never leave her.

My suggestion would be to practice attachment parenting. And I mean...BIG TIME!!! Carrying her around in carrier, co-bathing, co-sleeping, only you and DH taking care of her - feeding her, diapering her, etc. Feeding her bottles and rocking her to sleep like she is an infant. I could go on and on.

Attachment is a process that takes time. And when you bring home a toddler, which you did. It takes longer. But it does happen. Trust me!

Sorry for being the voice of

[Wonk]

All I can speak to is our 13 month old but what we see is a cycling of attachment. There are times when she is happy to go to anyone, then times when she only wants one or two people. Right now, she only really wants one of us and her nanny. It is a bit hard on the non-favored parent but it seems to be a phase of development. Because you have had your child only two months, you missed other of these attachment cycles. For us, basically our kiddo is velcroed to one person's leg. We expect it will pass and come back. I would worry if it lasted for a really long time but two months isn't very long. And you still may be having some adjustment from the kiddo having had everything she knew torn from her. My advice would be to just ride with it for another three months or so and see if it changes. My guess is that it will taper off and your partner will become more in favor.

[kacmom1]

We went through...and are still going through...the same thing. Our son came home at 2 1/2 years old. I don't think he was ever around many men. He attached right away to me but has taken a long time to attach to my husband. And, he is fine with our 4 other kids. For a long time, he did not want to hug my husband, he did not want to be held by him, be picked up or have much interaction. It's been two years and things have gotten better. He absolulely prefers me...but will now seek out daddy once in awhile. He'll hug him and kiss him, he'll play with him, he'll interact with him. It just takes time. You can't force it on your child. THere have been times when I had to leave Luca with his dad or that he'd have to go somewhere with dad. He didn't like it, would cry, but did fine! Now he is much better. It will pass!
Good luck and hang in there! Be patient....

[guatparents2be]

I'd agree with Laura...from what I have read, it sounds like it could be an attachment issue. If you approach it like that, and it isn't an attachment issue, no harm, no foul. Better to address it now than down the pike though, if it is.

[kimbo1]

We are dealing w/ some of these behaviors again, even though DD was 5 1/2 mo. when we took custody of her in GC last year. She is starting this "needing Mommy" syndrome. She had been a "put myself to sleep" baby, but now she is wanting me to rock her. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm attributing it mostly to just needing re-assurance that I'm always there for her. I'm just trying to accomadate her needs.

Also, I realize things are REALLY going to change for her soon. Therefore, I have been carying her more than I was, & rocking her, picking her up etc. Hopefully, this will help her w/ the major adjustments coming up.

[iammonikasmom]

I think Larue said it very very well. And I am speaking from first hand knowledge, experience, and unfortuantely for us, still to a small degree, dealing with it 10 years later.

The best thing we did was seek out attachment therapy. For her, for us, and for me. I felt incrediably guilty over the fact that she wanted me and not him. Actually still do.

Be patient. Do joint activities. Holding, eye contact, treats together. Look up Theraplay, we got a lot of great ideas thru there.

Most of all give all of you time. Nancy