[guatemommy]

Hello ladies (and gentlemen--I know you're out there)--

I'm having a difficult dilemma. Many of us were raised to believe that we could be anything we want to be. The educational and social opportunities afforded to women in the past decades are simply astonishing, and I am one of those highly-educated, very successful professional moms. I have this nagging feeling inside, though, that I'd be happier and a better mommy if I was the primary caretaker of our son and became a stay-at-home parent. My own mother stalled her teaching career to see me and my sister off to school before resuming work. I know that these are different times (and mortgages aren't what they used to be!).

I've been pondering and reading up on the subject, finding various MSN and Yahoo articles about the true costs of staying at home (loss of retirement, prestige, lifestyle sacrifices, etc.). DH and I have the same job--same benefits, perks, almost identical salaries; am I crazy to want to give this up to follow a toddler around my house?? Am I resigning myself to a life of mediocrity rather than suck-it-up and work to be able to give DS the things I didn't have as a child? My job's not that bad, and believe me, I know that so many families out there are just barely making it each month. I don't want to sound ungrateful for what I have, but at the same time I hate getting up in the morning to leave DS and work for other people's issues.

DH is not one of those old-fashioned guys who wants to be the sole bread-winner and have his woman stay home and have dinner on the table when he walks in the door (sometimes I wish he was, then I wouldn't be in this predicament). He thinks that I'm crazy to give up what I've worked for and put us all into financial handcuffs.

I wanted to open this thread for discussion from all sides--those of you who are still working with little ones at home, and those of you who gave up the power suits & lunch meetings for play dates & stroller outings. The adoption process was deceiving in a way--unlike being out on maternity leave and taking it easy before and after DS came home, I worked full-throttle and even got a promotion two months after DS came home (I did take 6 weeks off when he first arrived). I'm not a workaholic--I'm actually more of a responsible procrastinator.

Sorry for the long post, but I don't think I'm the only one out here who's going through this dilemma. I'd love this thread to turn into a place where people can share their own experiences without being judged, and to offer insight as to what has "worked" for other families (pardon the pun)

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I had worked my entire life...I LONGED for the days of staying home with the kids. Last year I was able to stay with the kids. I found after several months that I actually yearned for the days of having something to stimulate my mind...I wanted that adult interaction and mental stimulation. I tried everything to fill that need...mommy play groups, vonulteering, everything! I went back to work this year with a company that is very flexible about time with the kids. It is a good balance and it works for our family.

[shelbydog]

This is a huge topic and I'm not sure where to begin. It's definitely not wrong to want to be a SAHM. But I have to admit, I was a bit delusional as to the "romanticism" of it when I had my first child. I left a very lucrative telecom sales career, albeit stressful, but my friends at work were like family. I now have 2 children, 5 and 2, and have been a SAHM and also worked PT from home.

You will find that being a SAHM can be very, very isolating and lonely IF you don't get out there, make lots of Mom friends, do playdates and activities...but even then, I have always felt like that other part of my life was missing. If I had to do it all over again, I would have kept my "toe in the water" and worked PT. The hardest parts for me were often feeling "invisible" at hubby's work functions, with other Moms who worked.

On the positive side, now that my son is in kindergarten, I cannot imagine working FT, having a daycare or other before/after school care place take him to/from school. Seeing him get on the bus and spending time with him after school is priceless. I actually feel IMHO that when they reach school age, it's actually MORE important to be home - just my opinion - don't flame me!! In my area, after school care is HUGE. Kids are going to after school tae kwon do, computer labs, etc. and it's just not for me. I know people do it, but I cannot imagine how hard it would be to come home at 6:30 at night, try to spend time with the kids, do homework, eat dinner - I applaud all of you who do it!

When Mia came home, part of me was "stay at home Momm'ed out". After several months, I decided to re-up my writing career/background and freelance from home, and we put Mia in PT daycare 3 mornings per week - she was a year old. It was the BEST thing I ever did. My son was in preschool, I had time to pursue an interest of mine un-interrupted (not during naptimes!) and I felt "whole" again. Everyone is different, but after years of "just being a Mom", I realized I needed more. I am so glad I did it and wish I had done it with my first child. Keep in mind our families are pretty "anti daycare" so I was the "black sheep" in the family, and I could hear whispers about Mia being in daycare, but I didn't care. She loves it by the way and now goes 3 FULL days (she is almost 2 and 1/2).

I guess my bottom line is you have to figure out what is right for you. If a big part of your identity is your work, your work friends, the satisfaction if your job, I will tell you that suddenly becoming a SAHM is no easy feat. It is rewarding but there are days when you will be pullling your hair out and the stress is something that is hard to describe. It sounds like you have a very good hubby who is really looking at both sides.

Is there a way you can go PT, or decide after your family leave when the baby comes home? Good luck!

[wvamom]

I don't know of any working moms who DON'T question themselves--I think it's good for us to question--it makes us better moms. In my case, I had some flexibility, to work part-time. At one job I even was able to take my kids to work. Now I work full time but from home two days a week. I have my youngest at home with me. From time to time I still question--would I (and my kids) be better off if I were at home full-time? I love my job, however, and am very lucky to have something I do like. I also struggle with the issue of, what if I stay home--would I be able to go back to work later as a lawyer? Would I "get behind" in my field (as in, not keep up with new developments?) I have invested a lot to get where I am, but by the same token I sure hope not to penalize my children by working.

Good questions!

[CurlysGirly]

I did it....eventually. I've baby-stepped my way to SAHMomhood. I worked FT in a similiar situation as you until my DS was about 12 months old. My maternity leave was the longest that I was ever away from work. I slipped down to part time after he was 12 months and started working for my brother at night. I did it because I still couldn't let go all the way.

Now that Devon has been home, I haven't gone back yet and I don't think that I am. It feels great but weird. I'm getting used to it. I really like being home but I still need my outlets like going to the grocery store at night alone and the volunteer work that I do.

Best of luck to you. I know how hard the decision is.

[Truthdefenders]

I can't tell you what to do, but I can tell you that your heart is screaming it's desire to you. I'm educated and had a professional job once upon a time. Listen to your heart. I have never for one minute regreted staying home with our kids. (Okay, there are times when you put your head in your hands and wonder what in the world you have done, but these moments pass. ) All these good things you want to give your kids mean nothing if they don't have your devotion. I know that some moms have to work, and their kids do understand where their devotion lies. But, if you don't have to work, and you choose to, that sends a message to your kids.

An old house, an old van, and fewer meals out are SO WORTH IT!

I will say that it is good for your husband to be on board too. When I first stayed home, it was supposed to be for one year. But once I held my baby, I could not go back. It took dh some time to see the value in my staying home, but now he is very grateful that I have given my life to raising our kids.

I hope you make a wise decision and have peace in your heart with it.

[arthymom]

I too am questioning going back.

I have a "dream" teaching job and a great benefit that my ds gets to attend a wonderfully nurturing and competitive private school for free. Plus summers off and long private school vacations. So I'm not walking away from it because dh and I would really struggle financially if I left altogether, and I figure a mediocre part time job isn't on par with my great full time job.

But the last month has been TERRIFIC at home with dd and I don't miss work, so I'm returning with some sadness at the end of November.

Maybe give yourself a few more months to think about what it feels like to do it all...Maybe I'm wrong but I think it's harder to get out and then try to get back in if you regret it then it is to stick it out a bit longer to see if you are definite about leaving.

Best wishes and great thread since I too am having those thoughts.

[BeverlyZ]

I am a career-changer (corporate HR to teaching), so the timing of the career change settled nicely into our family plans. I am planning to be a stay-at-home mom and PT student for at least the first two years that our son is home. Our decision was greatly influenced by our agency's information about attachment. I have done research on attachment and believe that our children have hurts that require a parent to stay at home until attachment occurs.

This was not always an easy decision for my husband, although I knew in my heart that I would be most fulfilled doing the mommy job full-time. When I left my job, I began to work part-time and take a few classes. I was able to complete the dossier ppwk and all appts, household duties and family commitments because my schedule was so flexible. This took tremendous pressure off of my husband as he and I used to split the responsibilities.

Of course money is still in the back of his mind. I really think it has more to do with job security and how we dipped into our savings for this adoption. I am confident that he and I are both employable, so we can always make ends meet. Fortunately we always budgeted around one income, and everyone can learn ways to cut incidental costs. Lastly, I finally learned to cook, which saves us soooo much money! I was never able to do the cooking while working 55 or 60 hours a week before.

Once my husband was on board about attachment, he and I had no question about what we need to do. We are both at peace about it.

[BeverlyZ]

Oh, I forgot to add that going to and from a career is always a transition. (i.e. you didn't just jump into knowing this career suited you, did you?) Give yourself some time to get used to the idea of staying at home, and if it fits, transition into that new career the way that it works for you.

[CandaceT]

What a great topic. A couple weeks ago, there was a thread about what-we-swore-we-would-never-do-when-we-had-kids-but-now-we-do-it. One of mine is "want to stay at home." I was sure I was a career woman... a professional who wasn't going to start missing work all the time because I had kids for goodness sake. But, holy cow, work just seems SO freaking unimportant compared to time with my son (and God-willing soon-to-be-home daughter). Maybe there's a little bit of "the grass is always greener" thing going on for me. But boy, do I feel your pain. In my household, I'm the primary bread-winner and DH works three days a week. So staying home full-time doesn't seem remotely possible to me right now. But boy-howdy does it sound good! When you only get to be with your kids from 5:30pm until they go to bed at 8:00pm during the week, it's awfully dang hard. To be realistic, I might really miss the adult conversation or professional challenges and stuff too. But in the meantime, I'm going to keep entering that M&M $1,000,000 sweepstakes just in case they want to give me the chance to see if I like staying home or not...

[StefB]

Oh how I wish I had your choice to make. I am also an educated professional (teacher). I am a single mom, though, and therefore must work. If my boyfriend decided to support the three of us, I would definitely stay home with my daughter. I stayed with her for 3.5 months before returning to school this September. It is very painful for me to leave her in the care of others even though the arrangements are good and she is happy. I WANT IT TO BE ME taking care of her. I don't dwell on this too much because there is no choice and I would be sad all the time. I did give up my second job (coaching) because I couldn't bear the thought of leaving her even more hours of the week. I loved the coaching job for 17 years, but I gave it up without blinking in order to maximize my time with my daughter.

Best of luck. I guess I would end by saying they are only little once...

Stefanie

[dswaak]

For what it's worth. . .my hubby and I made the same salary and I had a nice, professional job where I was moving up every couple of years. I gave it all up when our son came home. With some rearranging of priorities financially it is working just fine. I will admit it was more of an adjustment for me in the beginning than I thought it would be (losing my job, social stuff, etc.) but I have now adjusted as well and wouldn't trade staying home with my son for the world. I truly think it's the best thing for him and for our family.

[cjrogers]

This is a great topic! I'm a successful professional in a management position... so I will be unable to do it PT unless it is very short term.

BUT, There is nothing more that I want right now than to stay home with Cole when he gets here. I"m taking advantage of my 12 weeks (unpaid, sadly) and we'll be hurting.

Fact of the matter is that we don't live as within our means as we'd like, but we are looking into opening a business so that we can both work together (as we do now) and both share home duties.

I'm such a dreamer... I just daydream about me and Cole sleeping in until 9 am every day and having long fun play dates every other day, sharing wine with my mom friends and keeping my house in perfect shape.

I know this is unrealistic, but let me dream.

And also, do what you think is best... you may find that you transition into something better... you can freelance, open a business, do something part time simply for cash or even start a new career!!! You aren't chained to your job.....

[CandaceT]

Originally Posted by cjrogers

I'm such a dreamer... I just daydream about me and Cole sleeping in until 9 am every day and having long fun play dates every other day, sharing wine with my mom friends and keeping my house in perfect shape.

I know this is unrealistic, but let me dream.

Baking cookies with my kids, visiting Daddy for lunch at the office, taking DS for runs in the jogger, doing crafts with my children, putting healthy homemade meals on the table every night, sewing buttons back on my clothes instead of throwing them in the Goodwill bag, actually putting together a scrapbook / lifebook for my kids, keeping up with the ironing. I know... I'm delusional.

[hopin4ababy]

I, too, am an educated SAHM. I chose to give it up to stay at home with the kids rationalizing that a job will always be there for me to take on.....my kids will not. We work at it financially and live on a strict budget. It is not always roses but I know I won't look back on this time I have to spend with them and regret it. Ali