[kimbo1]

Our DD & our new DS are 1/2 siblings. They are only 13 mo apart. This does not bother us at all, but there are some people who can't seem to keep their opinions to themselves re. the kind of lifestyle birthmom leads.



We get these two comments quite frequently:



1. Is she being paid to have all these babies?



2. Or we just get "the look," that says, "what a tramp!"



3. The classic, "I could NEVER give my babies up!!!!" (said in an almost scornful tone).





We have thought this through, & if I had it to do all over again, I might have only told family that they were 1/2 siblings, it has gotten that bad.



First of all, these people have NO idea what the birthmom has gone through in the last few years of her life & we have some idea.



2nd, it's none of their business.



3rd,they have no clue of the extent of poverty in Guatemala, & we have witnesssed it w/ our own eyes.



4th, I have thought through over & over how it must be to let someone else raise their children, & I think she must be one of the bravest women on earth place them in the arms of the foster mother & say "goodby." I have a lot of other feelings about their birth mother, but they are all positive, & sympathetic.



How can I get them to LEAVE their birthmother alone, w/ out being rude????? I need a good answer that THEY can also use down the road, if need be.


BTW, DH would like to have some good ideas as well. but most people say these things to me, not him.

Also, I really don't want to talk about it w/ anyone AT ALL!!!

[joelynn]

Those kind of comments make me so mad!!! I've heard them too and I have 2 domestic adoptions. Just tell them it's none of their business and to keep their opinions to themselves. It really irks me that everyone thinks they have a right to voice their opinions when it doesn't have a thing to do with them. If you don't feel comfortable being that blunt or confrontational then the reply that I use that usually shuts them up is "It isn't our place to judge and besides if it wasn't for our bmoms I wouldn't have the beautiful gift of my children!" It usually leaves them sputtering!!

[jandc]

I can think of a few choice things but much like the comments you are hearing, they are better left unsaid. I am so sorry you are experiencing this.

[Slatond10]

I agree it is "none of their business" but the comments happen. I would make sure my response was acceptable to the "ears of my children."

I would probably stop pointing out they are "1/2" siblings and just acknowledge they are siblings. Then if comments about the birthmother were made I would state what you said in your notes above "that you think she is an incredible brave woman" or any of the other POSITIVE comments you feel are neutral enough to share. So that if your children ever hear your response they will come away from the exchange with their feelings about their birthmother as positive and pride in their birth country.

Being rude or just telling someone that it is none of their business might leave your children thinking "adoption" is a secret. Limit information but make it positive is my 2 cents.

JMHO.

[kimbo1]

Originally Posted by Slatond10

I agree it is "none of their business" but the comments happen. I would make sure my response was acceptable to the "ears of my children."

I would probably stop pointing out they are "1/2" siblings and just acknowledge they are siblings. Then if comments about the birthmother were made I would state what you said in your notes above "that you think she is an incredible brave woman" or any of the other POSITIVE comments you feel are neutral enough to share. So that if your children ever hear your response they will come away from the exchange with their feelings about their birthmother as positive and pride in their birth country.

Being rude or just telling someone that it is none of their business might leave your children thinking "adoption" is a secret. Limit information but make it positive is my 2 cents.

JMHO.

Because of responses like this, I have stopped telling people they are 1/2 siblings.

This adoption came on us SO unexpectedly, that, at first, I thought (mistakenly) that we might need to explain the reasons we were even considering it. Also, I had no time to even process what people MIGHT think, so I had no response ready, IYKWIM.

Also, I don't want them to be ashamed of the fact that they are siblings (just as we are not ashamed of it). Matter of fact, this was really a cool thing, we thought!

I have thought through over & over how it must be to let someone else raise their children, & I think she must be one of the bravest women on earth to place them in the arms of the foster mother & say "goodby." I have a lot of other feelings about their birth mother, but they are all positive, & sympathetic.



AURGGGG!!!! People are SO rude!!!!

[mildredjohn]

we have the same situation and the last times my answer has been the follow: well I respect their birthmother and we are no one to judge her. People looks ignorant making comments about things they don't know and this topic is one of those ones.

Then I don't say anything else and is pretty much the end of the conversation.

[Theslaws]

We are in a similiar situation - our girls are 16 months apart. Birthmom stated to Mia's foster mom that they have the same birthfather but the social work report says its a different man - unless we did testing we would never know and dont feel we need to. Regardless, we get lots of comments especially since they are so close in age.

SOme days peoples looks/tone really bugs me and other days it doesnt. I tend to use the opportunity to give the person a little "lesson" on the differences between the lives we lead here and the way things are in Guatemala. I am sure to convey that I respect her greatly for making the brave choice to give her children an opportunity for a different life. I think most people are just ignorant to any life beyond the ones we live in middle class America. Some days I just dont have the energy but that is usually what I do. They often ask "why doesnt she use birth control". I follow that with "there is a distinct chance that she has no idea HOW to prevent pregnancy or "If you had the choice of buying a condom or feeding your children what would you do?" Then I love "Well she just shouldnt have sex" to which I say "Would YOU never have sex again?

Unfortunately we are gong to have to deal with these things. I find I handle it different every time depending on the persons tone and my mood.

Good luck and ultimately who cares what they say! You are blessed with 2 beautiful babies!!!

[Theslaws]

We are in a similiar situation - our girls are 16 months apart. Birthmom stated to Mia's foster mom that they have the same birthfather but the social work report says its a different man - unless we did testing we would never know and dont feel we need to. Regardless, we get lots of comments especially since they are so close in age.

SOme days peoples looks/tone really bugs me and other days it doesnt. I tend to use the opportunity to give the person a little "lesson" on the differences between the lives we lead here and the way things are in Guatemala. I am sure to convey that I respect her greatly for making the brave choice to give her children an opportunity for a different life. I think most people are just ignorant to any life beyond the ones we live in middle class America. Some days I just dont have the energy but that is usually what I do. They often ask "why doesnt she use birth control". I follow that with "there is a distinct chance that she has no idea HOW to prevent pregnancy or "If you had the choice of buying a condom or feeding your children what would you do?" Then I love "Well she just shouldnt have sex" to which I say "Would YOU never have sex again?

Unfortunately we are gong to have to deal with these things. I find I handle it different every time depending on the persons tone and my mood.

Good luck and ultimately who cares what they say! You are blessed with 2 beautiful babies!!!

[kimbo1]

Yes, it is just so hard for me, as I can be quite emotional about it, & I have been so overwhelmed w/ sorrow/sympathy, for her, I can hardly talk about it w/ out crying.

Maybe THAT would shut them up!!! Hmmmm, there's a thought!!!

"JUST LEAVE HER ALONE!!!!" (said w/ tears running down my face!!!)

[Gatos]

I have said in response to similar remarks, "I have nothing but admiration and respect for Mindy and Joe's birthmother."

I have also said, "In this country it is almost impossible for us to fathom the type of poverty people in Guatemala face." That seems like a good response to anyone who says, "I could never give my children up." Really? Not even to keep them ALIVE? I have never had that comment, and I pity the fool who ever says it to me.

[TheFoxx]

I have two responses depending on who I am speaking with. If they don't matter to to me my response is a shrug and the statement "well, opinions are like!@#$!!#s, everyone has one" (pm me if you don't know what the slang is).

If they are someone who's opinion actually matters to me I tell them that the statement they have made is hurtful to my entire family. We love our DS' first mother, she is an important member of our family and will not stand for her to be maligned.

[kimbo1]

Originally Posted by Gatos

I have also said, "In this country it is almost impossible for us to fathom the type of poverty people in Guatemala face." That seems like a good response to anyone who says, "I could never give my children up." Really? Not even to keep them ALIVE? I have never had that comment, and I pity the fool who ever says it to me.

Maybe I should just say, "Not even to keep them alive?????" That would shut them up, I'm pretty sure.

[Slatond10]

Originally Posted by kimbo1

[SIZE=4

AURGGGG!!!! People are SO rude!!!! [/size]

Sorry if you interpreted something I said in my response as rude. It was not meant to be? Was not sure why you quoted it?

Comments get very frustrating from the general public. I deal with it daily w/ my DD. I was just pointing out to try and stay as POSITIVE as possible because I tend to use my standard comments even as DD has gotten older and SHE TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS now. I want the comment to be SAFE FOR HER EARS because she is what is important to me not the general public.

[kimbo1]

Originally Posted by Slatond10

Sorry if you interpreted something I said in my response as rude. It was not meant to be? Was not sure why you quoted it?

Comments get very frustrating from the general public. I deal with it daily w/ my DD. I was just pointing out to try and stay as POSITIVE as possible because I tend to use my standard comments even as DD has gotten older and SHE TOTALLY UNDERSTANDS now. I want the comment to be SAFE FOR HER EARS because she is what is important to me not the general public.

No, no!! I'm SO sorry!! I didn't mean you at all!!! I meant people that are talking about my DC's birthmother!! Sorry if it sounded that way. Didn't mean that at all!

[kimbo1]

Yep, it's usually people I don't really associate w/ much! So THEY can really keep their opinions to themselves!!!