[doczig]

Hi everyone. It has been awhile since I've posted. Our son Austin came home July 4th when he was 8 1/2 months old. He did really great with us until about 4 weeks ago.

He has really been testing us and pushing every limit we place on him. It has gotten to the point that when we say "no", no matter how calmly it is said, he starts crying like you beat him. Anytime you correct him he throws himself on the floor and starts screaming and crying. We just transferred from Southern California to North Carolina (Charlotte) and the entire trip he screamed. I mean the ENTIRE TRIP! The moment he goes in a car seat he won't stop screaming and crying. We just can't take it anymore.

All he does is cry. He either gets his way or he screams and cries. It is really causing problems with our marriage and we are now jumping on each other and trying to tag team - when one of us is at our wit's end the other one takes over. However, we are both at our wit's end now and with the move we know NO ONE out here. My husband and I actually broached the subject of contacting the adoption agency and telling them we made a huge mistake. We can't remember the time when we were scratching and crawling to get him home. Now we just want him to shut up and get away from us.

Like I said in the title, I'm a horrible mother and I know it now. Does anyone out there have any clue as to how to handle this child? How do I discipline a 11 month old that acts like this? I don't want to revert to spanking but I've tried everything else and nothing is working. And yes, we did take him to the pediatrician who said there is nothing wrong with him.

The reason my husband put in for this transfer is so that we could move to an area of the country that was less expensive to live in so I can stay home with Austin. After these past 4 weeks I'm seriously thinking of just putting him in daycare and giving up. Someone tell me they have some advice, help or something for us. This can't go on.

[Quesita]

I don't know what to say to you, and I hope that more experienced moms will come and offer you words of wisdom. All I can offer is support. You have been through an enormous amount of stress, welcoming you son into your home, and then moving so quickly. Your son has been through an enormous amount of stress, joining your family, almost getting used to things, and then moving again.

Get a babysitter and give yourself a spa day. Call the person you trust most in the world and just cry. Try to avoid the carseat, since it seems to be a trigger. Wait until he is fast asleep, and tiptoe in and watch his little baby breaths, and remember that you love him and that both of you have recently been through more stress than anyone should have have to go through.

Vent here. Take care of yourself. Seek out the support of those who love you and can be there for you now when you really need them.

[Gatos]

Oh, honey, you are not a horrible mom. You are a human being.

Your pediatrician should haver referred you to a good child psychologist, one with experience with adoption. My only advice would be to call a local adoption agency (if you PM me I can give you contact info for mine - they are in North Carolina) to get a reference.

I just started taking my daughter to a psychologist who has a lot of IA experience and it has made a WORLD of difference in my life and my daughter's. I only wish I had done it earlier.

Also, you will fall in love with your son again. Parenting is very cyclical that way.

Hang in there.

[piseco]

You are NOT a horrible mother, but I know what it's like to feel that way. This episode Austin is going through is just a phase - but like any other bad phase, it can seem unending and unrelenting while it's going on, and you obviously need some RELIEF!

That's NOT WRONG and it is NOT horrible!

That's the most important thing I can say! If we lived anywhere nearby, I'd be there giving you one huge hug and some time alone if you needed that.

From so far away, I can say that I'll do whatever I can to help you brainstorm solutions to your current problems with Austin.

You ask how we "discipline" an 11 month old who's acting like this, and I just don't know what to say. What exactly does he do - what do you have to say "no" to him about? Why do you need to not "give him his way"?

To me - and this is a totally humble opinion - it sounds like maybe he's having trouble with attachment right now - the first few months may have been your "honeymoon"! What I would try first is one week of being a "yes mom". That means that ANYTHING he wants, if it will not actually harm him, I would give him.

If he wants to be held and rocked for an hour, I'd do it. Carried everywhere we go? I'd get a really good sling or hip hammock and carry him all the time. My instinct would be to say that he's throwing these fits because he's somehow afraid, not sure what's going on, not sure how deeply you really do love him (and I know you do, it's just hard to see that when you feel angry and hurt and disappointed). I would try very hard to implement as many facets of attachment parenting as I could - sleeping with or near him, carrying him as much as possible, loving touch, infant massage, etc.

Now. I have seen many times where this kind of attachment parenting is hard for people - fathers mostly - to accept. They say - you're going to spoil him! He can't always have what he wants! He has to learn who's in charge here! And other things like that. My husband has said all of those things at one time or another. But - this is about attaching and forming a bond with your child, it will NOT make Austin spoiled or manipulative. He's just a baby!

Please don't hesitate to tell me if I'm off base here! This is just my own first instinct in the situation. If you'd like to talk more, tell us more details about what is going on so we can help you get through specific moments - I'm totally here for you.

Hang in there! You'll get through this!

[jeannecr]

First, get some help for childcare ASAP. Sounds like you are both stressed out, and that will lead to regrettable actions.
Second, part of this could be normal development, and part could be attachment issues. The fact that you moved not long after his homecoming could have triggered some problems for him. Getting help from an expert could be very helpful.
Third, could there be issues like teething? When my son went through some stages of teething, he had a lot of fussy behavior. Teething tablets really helped.

Your son is too young for discipline; instead, he needs to feel secure. Remove the "no" things from his reach so you don't have to say it so much. At that age, I created a few safe zones in the house where DS was free to explore and interact. And no matter how much else I had to get done, I took time each day to just sit with him in this zone. Even if we weren't interacting, he was reassured that I was there.

[nwparents]

We all have days when we are at our wits end. Perhaps daycare isn't such a bad idea - a couple days a week. Then you both get a break. I'll bet you'll both be happy to see each other in the afternoon when you pick him up.

I don't have any advice for the constant crying, but myself and a girlfriend drove up North after we first brought our son home for a week at the lake w/o the hubbies, and our son cried the entire 5 hours. Finally, we opened the windows a little and he would stop.

I know you'll find the solution eventually, it's just in the meantime you're losing your mind. Personally, I think you are in desperate need for some "me" time.

Hopefully, you'll get some great advice on this site.
Good luck, and hang in there.

[bajj]

You're not a horrible Mother. It sounds like he is acting like a typical 11 month old. It also sounds like Mommy needs some Mommy time. See if you can find a Mother's Day Out or a Mom's Morning out program where you live and put him in one or two days a week. You'll be surprised just how much it helps!

One other thing. You and dh need to get on the same page and support each other. Also, see if you can get a friend or relative to watch the baby so you can have a date night once or twice a month.

It sounds like your son is acting pretty typical and he's had a lot of HUGE changes in his life in the past few months, too.

Hang in there!

[krafmatic]

Take a deep breath and give yourself a break. I think that two things need to be at the top of your list right now:

1. Find a physcologist who specializes in attachment. He/she may help you work through this really rough time.

2. Find someone who can watch you son while you go for a walk or take a break.

You are not a bad mom. You are a mom who is mentally and physically exhausted. Hang in there, I know it seems you can't, but you can.

I've been in your shoes (not exactly...my oldest was under two when I unexpectedly got pregnant. We had just moved to Germany, didn't speak the language, didn't have friends. My youngest had a bad case of colic and for weeks would cry unconsolabley. I had PPD, our marraige was on the rocks fromthe stress...not a pretty time in my life) You can get through this. It will not always be this way.

Find someone to talk to. Try not to be too hard on yourself. It will get better.

[Melina's Mom]

Don't think you are a bad mother just a stressed out mom.. I think you should call some of your experience mom friends & get advice. Google how to handle tantrums & understand your son has gone through a lot of changes & it is hard on him as well & if your stressed I believe the children can sense that & that might trigger him. Go to your library read up on the tantrums & how to sooth your crying baby. As for the car seat my daughter did not like it so I made it fun I bought a dvd player which distracted her, I gave her favorite toy & bought baby cd's & she enjoyed the music which I sang to her. It's rough on everyone so please if you are at your breaking point get help.... I wish i lived near you I would come over to watch your son to give you & your husband a night out. Remember raising children is not easy but well worth it. When you get to your wits end just remember how you felt waiting for this precious boy to come home to you...... I wish you the best & please keep us posted. If you ever need to talk PM me anytime..... God Bless.

[akasohappy]

Kate cried alot when she came home.
Our life is just now getting back to "normal" after 5 months.
I let the house go, ordered food and did nothing but take care of our 2 kids.
I cannot imagine trying to pack, move, etc. once a little one came home.
I would carry him as much as possible.
It will get better.

[DPline]

You are absolutely not a horrible mother. You are human!

I really agree with Gatos and the others who suggested that you find a good child psychologist with experience with adoption and attachment. My first inclination is that, as others have said, you have left the honeymoon phase and are now dealing with greiving and possible attachment issues, along with some typical 11 month old behavior.

You also might PM Nicklayson and Angelkisses0102 who are really great resources on attachement.

Sending you lots of (((hugs)))!

[betsykantro]

You should also rule out any medical problems such as food allergies. If he is allergic to milk this could effect his behavior. My son had very bad reflux and being in the car seat was painful for him.

[PursuingPacal]

I agree with all those that discussed elements of attachment parenting. Did you do that when he came home? If not start now. There are internet sources, books and consultants that can advise you. I agree it sounds like an attachment issue.

[mcnay1]

Hi Sheri,
Again, you are not a horrible mother. You've gotten some pretty good advice here and i dont have much to add.

But, we, too live in Charlotte (Cornelius, actually...north of Charlotte). Let me know fi I can help. We have just brought our second son home so we are dealing with some of the same things. My DH is currently on Paternity leave from Bank of America but goes back on October 10. I, then, will be taking a month or so off from my job. I'd love to get together if you'd like. JD is in daycare and we kept him there, but, I will have Will with me who is 14 months old.

There are a lot of Guatemalan adoptive families in the area and our pediatrician has many patients who have been adopted (she and her husband adopted 3 children of their own domestically). So, there is a possible resource there if you'd like.

Just PM if you'd like!

[iammonikasmom]

I would totally agree with what has been written. The honeymoon is over! Attachment issues come in all shapes and sizes, not just "bonding". There can be control issues, etc that those who specialize in attachment can help with. I have two going thru it and I still learn something new every day. My girls are 10, 4, and 3. Are there days I want to walk away. YES. My dh and I do tag team, usually around homework when she is the most manipulative emotionally. PM me for a name to look up for a group that handles attachment, foster, and post adoption therapy. I don't know if they have one near you but they could refer you. We have used them for 9 yr....Nancy