[jul06]

please, anyone that has met the birth mother, please share with me how it went! I just got an email from our agency that we are definitely meeting the birth mother! What a huge range of emotions I am feeling right now! I knew this might be a possibility, but now that it's happening I'm freaking out a little bit! What did you ask her? What did she ask you? What did you say? How long did the visit last? Oh my....

We are leaving Friday for our pick up trip. Don't know the exact time we will meet her! The foster mother is bringing our son to us on Friday at 3pm. I can't wait!

[ceya]

Ours was not a planned meeting with the birth mother of our youngest daughter. We arrived in Guatemala to visit both of our precious daughters and were told the next day that the DNA was being done and came to the hotel to pick-up our daughter. I asked permission to take a photograph of the birth mother, foster mother my husband, myself and our two daughters. She was kind enough to allow us to take the picture. Something I will always treasure. She had traveled 7 hours by bus to Guatemala City and had no shoes when she arrived. The facilitator purchased shoes for her, we were told. She is a very petite woman, not fair at all. When the attorney met with her, he up front told us I don't know if this is her child! Something I did not want to hear. Our daughter is extremely fair. When they arrived back at the hotel, we invited both she and the foster mother to lunch. She did not look at our daughter through the meal and seemed very uncomfortable. My heart broke for her. She did not say much. I felt extreme compassion for this wonderful woman and knew how difficult it must have been to sit with the family that would soon take her child home. Our daughter was her 11th child.

Months later when we came to pick up our daughter, there was a girl approximately 19 years old with the foster mother. She held our daughter closely and sobbed. I later found out that this girl was our daughter's biological sister. My heart broke. What mixed emotions she must have had. I wish I would have known before she left.

I hope this helps.

[pkbear]

Hi Julie,

I think this is a great thread to start. We are adopting from an hogar, and the director requires that we participate in a little ceremony with the birthmother when we come for the pick-up trip. I speak Spanish, so I am planning to write the birthmom a thank-you letter and bring her some kind of symbolic gift. I thought a letter would be important because I'm afraid my emotions will get the better of me and leave me tongue-tied when we meet in person.

Needless to say, I'll be watching with great interest to see how others' birthmom meetings have gone!

I know it will be so emotional, but I'm also so grateful for this rare opportunity to meet the birthmom. Since we aren't being offered any other kind of way to remain in contact with her, I'm glad that at least my husband and I will be able to serve as a connection to her for our daughter when we share our memories of the meeting.

Best of luck to you!!

[giovanni7460]

What a wonderful, amazing opportunity. I did not get that for eighter of my sons. I would say if the mother agrees, I would video tape her. What a gift to give your child one day.
Also, Ceya, your post had me in tears. I believe that was the way Giovannis mother was. He was born to a beautiful Maya women in Matzatenango. I am sure she had little if not anything at all. I read your post with thoughts of her and my son.
Patty
mom to 5 including antonio and giovanni

[lzriggles]

I, like you, had a flood of emotions when my agency called to say that my daughter's birth mother wanted to meet me...and to say goodbye. I'm such a private person and very emotional, too, and I just knew I'd be a blubbering wreck. I started to obsess about it...and then, just like that, I realized that it wasn't about me. It was about my daughter and what would be the best for her. And I thought what a gift to be able to say that I met her first mother, cried with her, embraced her...and hopefully comforted her a little with the knowledge of how very much I longed for this beautiful child...with my intentions to do my best by her always...and with the promise that she would forever have a special place in our lives and hearts.

It was still hard, but I am so thankful to have had that most amazing opportunity. I wish I could have conversed in Spanish, but I think we communicated most without any words. What words are there really for moments like that. There was an interpreter so we could tell each other a few things...that was very helpful. I wrote her a letter and had it translated and gave it to her in a card with a locket containing dd's picture and engraved with her birthdate.

Take a deep breath and lead with your heart. It's the meeting of a lifetime!

Best wishes,
Liz

[kellum5]

When we went to pick up our son we were told his mother wanted to meet us the next day. I was a wreck for the longest time. I was concerned about being over emotional, etc.
But then I thought how she must be feeling and I wasn't worried at all. To me, it was if she was not only saying goodbye but also wanting to know her son would be safe and loved.
We spent about 15 minutes together and I will cherish that time always. She told me about herself, why my son was given his name, about her family, her love for "our" son and how happy she was for him. It is so great to know I will have comments from his mother for him as he gets older.
Even today when I think of him I am reminded how she referred to him as "our" son. It just seems fitting.
Shortly after that she died. I cherish our time together even more.
Just be yourself and enjoy every minute with this precious woman who gave so much to your family. I think meeting you will put her mind at ease.
Don't be afraid to show emotion. She will definitely understand.
Good luck.
Cindi

[misoutmom]

I was able to meet the birthmom of our daughter. It was not a planned meeting and she called a few minutes before we were to receive our daughter and requested if she could meet with us. It was wonderful and if anyone is given the opp. they should. It was wonderful to talk with her and ask her questions about her dreams for "Our" daughter and here her story of sacrifice and see the deep rich love she had for us and her daughter. I will not have to wonder when I tell our daughter about her biological mother. We have family portraits together that hang in our home today. I will cherish that moment forever. We are going through the process again and I want to meet our son's birthmom as well. It was a blessing!!
misoutmom

[jul06]

oh, I never thought about her asking if we were keeping his name! Which we are not! The foster mother has already been calling him Jacob! Yikes, need to think of an answer so that we don't hurt her feelings!

Thanks for all the responses! I am still nervous. We leave in 2 days!!! Yikes! It's really happening!!

[swjp]

Hi everyone--I found this thread and thought I'd bump it up. I would like to hear stories about meeting birthmoms. I want to for our little girl, but I am also afraid of the emotions, which I know are healthy and need to be expressed....but I just think I'm going to be so sad as I think about what she has gone through and our little girl's loss and the guilt! Maybe meeting her will give us some peace....


Also, on the financial side, we were told that we would need to be prepared for the translator and the amount was up to us and for the travel of the birthmom. I was just wondering what's considered an appropriate fee for the translator, and about how much for travel, which is hard to know since it depends on distance. Just want to be prepared financially.

[startedover]

swjp
We meet with our birthmother days before the adoption. She had originally not wanted to know where the baby was going so we were shocked when we got the call . Neither of us had a lawyer so it was just kinda her calling me after knowing I was interested in adopting. That meeting went wonderful. Let me add at this point that I had decided years before If I ever adopted it would internationally to avoid meeting the birth famiy. Thank God he had other plans. I think it put alot of fears aside for both of us. WIth that said, we did not get together till she was almost one and I was very nervous about that, but again it turned out to be a very special blessing. I worried how she would feel after seeing the baby and all, but she texted me afterwards to tell me thank you and it did her good to see her and know how happy she was. I hope you get what you are looking for with your expeirence.

[grumpyskirtgirl]

For our first son, we did not meet the birthmother and I have to admit I was relieved. But for our current adoption we did, and now I feel that not meeting the first one was a mistake.

We met her while we were down to sign the POA. The baby was 2 weeks old at the time. I was VERY nervous. Would I say the wrong thing? Would I talk too much/too little? What if she doesn't like us and takes the baby back? All that, plus more I am sure, plagued my mind for quite a while. Then when I saw her sitting on the couch and how young she was, and how she had obviously dressed up for the occasion, and how she was just as worried as I was, I figured out that this meeting was more for her and the baby, and not me. I tried to remember everything about the meeting. What she wore, looked like, what was said. What her hopes are for the baby. She DID ask if we were going to keep his name. We are only keeping the first name and using it as a second middle name but we didn't tell her that. We just said that we are adding to it and she was VERY happy to hear that as the name she chose has special meaning to her, just as the name we chose had special meaning to us. All in all, it was a great experience. It was not easy, but it will be worth it when the baby is older. Now I just have to figure out how to explain to my oldest son why we do not have anyhitng on his birthmother, and quiet a bit for his brothers'.

- tina

[kimbo1]

dedicated soley to this on my blog.

[guatwis]

We were fortunate to meet both our childrens' birth moms. We used the same agency as grumpyskirtgirl (Hi Tina!). It was an incredible experience. Very emotional, yet I couldn't imagine not having the opportunity. I'm grateful we have photos & videos of us with our children and their birth moms -- more info for the kids in the future.

We prepared questions ahead of time, and basically relied on our translator to guide us on whether a question was appropriate or not.

In both situations, the birth moms seemed to feel better after meeting us -- one commented that she was dreading that day, but was relieved after meeting us. I think it was reassuring for her to know how much we love him and will care for him. It's an incredible gift, and I was so nervous about meeting her -- "thank you" seems appropriate when someone gives you flowers, but a child???? It felt so inadequate! But between the tears and our sincerity, I hope she got the message.

Best wishes to you! It's an amazing gift that you get to meet her; somehow you'll find the words to say, and you'll have memories forever.

Jill

Mom to 2 sweeties from Guatemala

[jul06]

I'm the one that started this thread months ago. jacob is now home and the cutest, happiest little guy. We love him so much and can't imagine life without him. We celebrated his 1st birthday in January with lots of family and friends.

I was one of those parents that when we had the interviews with our social worker I said I really didn't want to meet the birth mother. I myself am adopted and it was so emotional. The thought of having an image in my head of "another mom"...well, I just couldn't handle it at that time. I am so glad that God had other plans for me! It was an AMAZING experience! Have lots of tissues available because it is so extremely emotional! Like someone else said, saying "thank you" just doesn't seem like enough...but I kept saying it over and over, while hugging her...and crying like a baby! My suggestion would be to bring pictures of your extended family and friends...people that love your baby already. Also pictures of your home, neighborhood...just so that you can show her that your baby will be loved and taken care of. That seemed to really ease our birthmother's mind. She was relieved to see that he was going to be so loved!

We didn't have to pay a translator. Our lawyer was the one who drove her so we didn't pay for the travel either...so I can't help you there!

Just take lots of pictures. You will be happy you did. As an adult adoptee, the one thing I wish I had are pictures of my birth parents. i have no desire to meet them or search for them...but wish I knew what they looked like. I guarantee at some point in your child's life, they will want to know that too. Once I stopped thinking about how I would feel meeting the birth mother, and put things into perspective, I knew we were doing the right thing. I don't think you can ever prepare yourself for the emotions of meeting her. when she left, I held on tight to my son and sobbed and sobbed!!! It was unbelievable! i was so grateful and so thankful for this woman...and felt so blessed to have him in my arms.

Good luck!! I guarantee you will walk away with an incredible feeling of peace. It was an amazing experience!!

[swjp]

Thank you so much--all of you; I am so teared up already just thinking about going through what you all went through. Like someone else, I'm sure I'll hug her if she wants to and I'll sob too--hope I can get it under control though.

Thank you Jul06 about the suggestion about the photos of all the people eagerly awaiting our little girl.

I was hoping you'd respond too--it was a little like reading a very open-ended short story!

I am going to prepare a Lifebook for her and would love to have as much information and pictures as possible for her birthmom page(s). I really, really hope we get to meet her.

I am so grateful for and touched by your stories.