[Ypsitucky]

Hello all,

I"m almost ready for a referral, and just encountered this conundrum!

I'm a single mom, and had requested a referral of a girl. My agency says the wait right now is 1-3 months. (I haven't yet submitted my final dossier.)

I then spoke with another excellent agency(I had almost gone with)and their wait is only 1-3 weeks IF I'm open to gender. Yikes! (They are now requiring this because they want to get their clients into PGN by the end of the year, and avoid anyone waiting.)

I know this is a hard question...but what is it like to be the mom of only a boy/boys???? Do you miss raising girls? Do you sometimes feel unable to raise your boy because you don't know what he's going through???
I really like boys, and had initially thought of asking for a boy, but a few men told me that 'boys need their dad' and I also wondered if I'd really miss raising a girl. So I decided to stick with asking for a girl.

I'm grateful for ANY thoughts shared by experienced moms of boys. Thanks so much!!!!!!

Elsa

[Kama]

I have not adopted from Guatemala, but your question is of general nature, and something that was on my mind too. We adopted from Poland and were open as to the child's gender, but quietly I was hoping for a girl because I feel more comfortable with girls generally speaking. As it happend we got a referral on siblings, a boy and a girl. Unlike you, I am married, but now I understand why I preferred a girl, as I had a much easier time bonding with her, I enjoy shopping for her more, it is more fun to do stuff with her most of the time, etc. Having said that, I love my son, but he definitely has stuff that he enjoys to do more with Dad and benefits from interactions with my husband. My husband does not get nearly as irritated as I do with my son running around wild and making wild noises. My daughter does not do any of the boy behavior, although of course she can be annoying too . So, while we love them both to pieces, there are differences in how we react to things they do and how we related to them, that may be related to gender.

However, there are parents, including mothers, who are comfortable with boys, and may prefer raising boys, so this is by no means a general rule, but personal preference. If you really feel that you want a girl, it may be worth the wait.

[brink]

First off, I am married, so the situation is different. We had four girls when we got a referral for our 4yr old son. He's now 13 and a great guy. We brought home another 4yr old boy two years after our first. They are a lot of fun! In some ways they are easier than girls, but they are also sometimes very exasperating! DH keeps telling it's normal when they do the all boy things, bopping each other, wrestling instead of finishing simple tasks first. I don't mind some of the goofing around, but I'd like them to do what they're responsible for first and then if they have time they can roll all over each other! We have good relationships, but of course they gravitate towards their dad and helping him outside. Of course, I'm talking two boys instead of just one, but one of the best things we were able to do was give our sons each a brother. I had asked our social worker the first time if it was even fair to give a boy four sisters! Then the opportunity came to bless him with a brother to wrestle around with, and the rest is history and sometimes my frustration. I personally think a boy really needs a dad or at least men who can be very close to him and do the boy things and have the man talks. If you have someone in your life that you know would be there for your son, and if you like doing "boy" things like fishing, throwing football passes, camping, things that can teach a boy to grow into the masculine role he is designed to hold in the world, I know you would also treasure a son. I just think it's very important to help a son learn to be responsible for his own family one day and to "defend" himself" in the world. I know this might be controversial, as some say there is little difference, but they come with built in differences beyond anatomy which I can attest to after four girls.

[Quesita]

You know, there is a whole lot in this process that is out of your control. One agency says they might find you a girl in as little as four weeks, one agency says they will find you a boy in no more than three weeks. The agency that promised 1-3 weeks might not really have a placement for 5 or 6 weeks.

It would be great to be in PGN by the end of the year, but with the way PA's are moving, the next round of Guatemalan elections, US embassy closed for Thanksgiving, much of Guatemala closed for a long stretch before and after Christmas, it might happen. It might not. Check on times for dossier translations now. I think that step alone is over a month.

I am not trying to be negative. I am trying to help you be emotionally prepared for much much much that is out of your control. You know you are starting this process at a scary time, and that you have a bumpy ride ahead.

If you have your heart set on a girl, that is one of the last things in the process that you will have control over. If you are ready to give up control of the process now, then go with the agency that thinks they can move you through the system faster, if you really trust them. But be emotionally prepared to NOT be in PGN by the end of the year, just in case.

Good luck on making a really hard decision. Let us know what you decide.

Oh. I'm single too. And waiting for my daughter. I knew knew knew with every inch of me that I was meant to be the mom of a girl.

[LisaDR]

I am a single mother with a son who has been home a year. I requested a boy. I had always wanted boys, twins actually and the guys I had the long relationships always wanted boys too.

The family has gone through baby girls and girls. I was always a little tomboy and enjoyed sports when growing up and playing with my brother and his friends. Also I remember how catty and vicious girls can be growing up, fighting over boys etc... I see this now with my niece who is only 13 and her "friends" are brutal.

Yes, there are issues and concerns, taking care of his circumcision, what am I going to do when he is older having to go to the bathroom, the "talk", where's daddy etc. but he is mommy's little boy! I am also very lucky having a very close and good relationship with my brother who will be the male role model in his life whether I ever get married or not. I try to have Chase see his uncle at least once a week for a few hours...
All in all it's personal choice and agencies probably can't make any promises anyway. If you are indecisive and open just tell them you have no preference and get the first available referral.

[KKR213]

I am a single mother of a son home for almost a year and a half. John is still little so a lot of the issues relating to gender haven't happened yet. But I love having a son. I started the adoption process thinking I would adopt a little girl from China. My agency does not let you select gender for your first child. I wouldn't change a thing. John is a typical boy...he loves climbing, running, collecting rocks, stopping to look at bugs, etc. My family is mostly girls so I am more of a girly girl but I am having so much fun doing all the boy things!

Like Quesita said an agency cannot guarantee a timeframe for referral but the wait for girls is usually longer.

You need to be really honest with yourself and decide what is best for you and your future daughter or son.

Good luck!!

[redru2004]

We brought Lucas home in May, I'm a first time Mom, but I am married so the situation may be a little different. Lucas is ALL boy! He loves cars, balls, crawling over everything, tackling me, throwing things, he's curious and into EVERYTHING. He's on the go from sun up to sundown and I can't imagine it any other way. I love being a mom to this little boy and honestly I don't miss or think I'm missing out on anything by not having a little girl. If we adopt again we will once again be open to gender and allow the powers that be decide our fate. Lucas and I have grown very close over that last few months and while he loves his daddy, he prefers me. I know things will shift at points in our life but I think what is really important for any child is that their parent or parents love them, nurture them and do their very best to raise healthy, happy kids. I really don't think you can go wrong, boy or girl!

[elisalou]

I am married so it is different there but I have three boys. They are 10, 8, and 4. Since I have been doing this mom thing for the last ten years I can give you a little insight as to what life with boys (and girls) is like a long the way. As I kept having more boys, lots of my friends were having girls and it has been interesting to watch the dynamics of the different genders. Boys can be more challenging as they are loud, busy, and active. But girls are emotional and dramatic and often whiney. Yes, it is fun to dress them when they are young but that turns around to bite you in the butt when they are 12 and your ideas on how to dress are dramatically different. Hormones start a lot earlier, and as women we all know that sometimes they are hard to control. Boys tend to be a little more steady. Probably a little harder when they are young (energy wise) but a little easier as they grow up- girls are not always nice to each other and this seems to be happening younger and younger. It's hard to be a girl, especially when you hit the 9-17 year range.

We are just starting the process of adopting a girl and quite honestly I am a little worried and concerned about when she gets to the age of my oldest two sons. I don't want to see her come home crying when other girls aren't nice or don't like what she is wearing (which I have seen happen to my friends daughters often). One step at a time I guess.

I probably didn't help you at all, but I guess if I had it to do as a solo parent I would more than likely go the boy route. There are a lot of good role models out there that you can seek out and let me just tell you, boys love their mamas!

Good luck with your choice and like someone else said, you really aren't going to go wrong either way.

elisa
elisalou designs

[Bug-n-Bears-Mommy]

I have 2 step daughters who have spend every other weekend with us since the youngest was 18 months and the oldest 3 1/2. Aside from the blended family thing...there have been many other challenges having the girls that I just don't see happening with the boys.

First of all, MIL won't be buying them a leather mini skirt for kindergarten school clothes. People are not constantly pawning off their old perfume and makeup samples on them as "gifts"...only to end up in my carpet or on the walls. As for toys, a football for Bear and cars for Bug and we are golden! I am sure alot of it is my situation, but I think society is making our girls grow up SO fast that my head spins!

As for being a mommy to the boys...I couldn't love anything more. Often I am more aware of what they need/want than DH, and am better able to take care of things. Granted, I can't teach them to stand and pee, but nature has taken care of that too. Emotionally, I think a boy needs his mom just as much...if not more so...than a dad.

[linda512]

I am the single mother to a 22 month old boy. Like Lisa, I had always wanted boys. I enjoy sports and am very active and not into girlie things. When I started, I said first available, assuming it would be a boy.
I love having a boy. I love dressing him, playing with him and encouraging him to climb.
I think you have to look deep into yourself and see how you feel. There is no shame in admitting you want a girl, for whatever reason. Of course, I am sure you could parent either, but since you can choose, you should do what feels right for you. Don't let people tell you otherwise. Yes, if you got pregnant, you wouldn't choose, but you are not.
I have a brother, father and 2 nephews (now 10 and 13) who are role models for my son, as well as some friends. I am not looking forward to "the talk" and wet dreams, etc, but I wouldn't really be looking forward to it with a girl either. It's just one of those the things you have to do, like cleaning up poop and vomit.
Anyway, this has gotten long. Good luck to you as you make a decision.

[avoel]

I am single and mom to 2 girls. I requested a girl first thinking it would be easier as a single mom to raise a girl. I wasn't sure I would know what to do with a rough and tumble boy. So...I got initiated with my very rough and tumble girl instead! My oldest is happiest when outside, running, jumping, climbing and getting grass stains or mud on every stitch of clothing she has. I should have stock in oxyclean. Her favorite toys are her trains, cars, balls, swingset and bike. So girl doesn't always mean tea parties and pretty dresses!

I was prepared with male role models before my girls were born...my dad and my brother as well as several of my uncles and cousins are a part of the girls' daily life. It has been more important than I ever imagined. So, which ever you choose, know that you have to be prepared to dress up dolls and roll in the dirt, have positive male influences at the ready and just follow your heart. Everything else just falls into place.

[pamcita]

I'm a single Mom waiting (and waiting!) for my pink to bring my daughter home. I can't wait... but of course, I can and will.

I always knew I wanted a girl but started with an agency that didn't offer a choice, which I believed was Guatemala's policy, not the agency's. I told myself I'd be happy with whatever happened. But secretly, I held onto the fantasy that I'd be assigned a girl. (Yes, I was crazy and stupid.)

When I finally finished my paperchase, I got referred.... a boy, of course. Only then did I realize, with shame and chagrin, how deeply I wanted to raise a daughter (most likely, I'll only get one chance.) I felt awful. It was terribly painful, but I couldn't accept the referral. I had to leave my agency, at a precarious time (right before last spring's 'protocolo'). I knew I might be losing forever my dream of adopting from Guatemala.

Through this forum, I found another agency, where before too long I was referred a girl. While I regret my lack of foresight, I have absolutely no doubts that I did the right thing for me. I am totally in love with my daughter. I know I was meant to be her Mom.

I'm revealing this as a cautionary tale, to look deep within yourself, and follow your heart. I have two close friends who are doing fantastic jobs as single Moms of sons. Male role models can be found. If you truly feel open to either, why not save time and switch? There are many good reasons to adopt a boy, not least being the far greater number of boys needing families.

But if you think you'll really miss raising a girl, I'd wait. Guatemala is a huge unknown. No one knows what this year will bring. As many have already said, all you can know is what's in your heart and mind.

[wwgonewest]

I am a single mom to a boy and a girl. I was open to either and love them both. My son is 5yo and came home to me from the hospital at 70 days (domestic adoption, of course) and my daughter is 3yo and came home at 11 months. My son and I are very close and I don't see any problems with being a single mom and raising a son. There have always been male role models in his life and some very helpful moms who taught me how to teach my son to stand and pee. He wishes for a dad (I think some of it is an age thing and being teased by kids at school) and I hope I can find the right man to be his dad someday. But I am sure that in a few years my daughter will be wanting the same. We are also very close and I am glad I have both. If you want a boy, I am sure you would do a fantastic job raising him.

You have a very difficult decision, go with your heart. Adoption is a very difficult emotional rollercoaster to get through, you need to feel very bonded to your child to make it through the wait. Listen to yourself, you know what is best for you and your child.

Good luck and enjoy motherhood!
Wendi

[2xaround]

I've been the mom to boys for over 26 years now and am currently waiting for my first baby girl. As excited as I am about becoming the mom of a girl, I have to say that being a mom to boys is full of rewards and all three of my boys are all pretty much momma's boys. For a matter-of-fact, my youngest (who is now 19) has made it perfectly clear that he isn't about to let anyone do anything to hurt his momma.

Although I'm married, I was a single mom for a few years when my oldest two were little. Also, I came from a home of only sisters, so having boys was a brand new adventure for me. I think single moms are as capable of raising boys as they are girls. I also think it's unfair to say that boys need a father figure more than girls need a father figure. We all need good role models in our lives of both genders and most single moms are able to provide those role models for their children.

I'm sure that you will be very happy and content with either a boy or a girl.

[Ypsitucky]

My dear forum friends,

Thank you SO much for all your thoughts on this tough topic. It's really helpful to hear what it's like to raise boys, and also to think about the differences between raising boys and girls.

I can't say I've figured out the SOLUTION yet for me (!!) but all your support and advice means the world to me.

thanks a million,

Elsa