[Larue]

Recently I was discussing our plans for our next adoption with my mother. We’re currently researching agencies for Vietnam and Ethiopia, and hope to begin the process for our next adoption in a few months, after we move and are settled in Washington State. (Go Seahawks!!!) Anyway my mother said “why would you want to do that again?” And then she said “you’re not a Spring chicken you know?” OK… my mother is not the most “motherly” of mothers. She never has been, and never will be. Being empathetic with her children has never been her strong suit. And I have learned over the years not to let her zingers affect me.

After talking to my sister about it, I realize that my mother really can’t relate to my situation. I’m 45, and Sabrina is my first child. My mother was in high school when she had my sister, and only 20 when I was born. By the time she was my age, she had 5 children and 2 grandchildren. Also my mother never went through miscarriages and years of infertility like me. She used to joke that she would get pregnant just thinking about sex.

Don’t get me wrong. I love my mother very much. Though sometimes it takes a conscious effort. But one of the things I have always admired about her is that she tells it like it is. Even when it’s something you don’t necessarily want to hear. So my question is this. For my fellow middle aged Moms. Do you ever worry about the age difference between you and your children? I’ll be 62 when Sabrina graduates from high school. YIKES. Bring on that Botox.

One of the my motivations for having more children, besides the fact that I’m totally hooked on motherhood, is so that Sabrina will still have immediate family members when DH and I head through those pearly gates. OK...maybe that's a bit of a stretch. But is this wrong? Realistically, if DH and I live an average U.S. life span, Sabrina will be around my age now. And I don’t want her to be alone. Extented family is great. But nothing can really replace your parents and siblings.

OK...I know I’m totally rambling. Any thoughts? Am I being selfish?

[fochtru]

Laura---you are not selfish---quite the opposite. I'm 42 and Andrew is my first. I'm also looking at Ethiopia for a second adoption and I want two children for the EXACT same reason. I don't want Andrew to be alone if something happens to me. I want him to have a brother. There are probably quite a few people who would disagree with me and would say that they will not be biological brothers or even be culturally/ethnically the same. But I disagree.
My parents are youngish--only 64. When I went to college, they were younger than I am now! But most of my friends had older parents---already in their late 50's/early 60's.
I will be a more tired mom than I would have been if I had kids in my 20's. But, on the flip side, I will also be a wiser mom. I'm a better person now than I was in my 20's and much more ready to be a good parent. It's a trade-off. But, I think my children will benefit.
Yes, I'm tired. But I'd rather be more tired with kids than less tired without.
In addition...there are no guarantees. My dad was 23 when I was born--a young dad. But when I was 8, he was in a motorcycle accident and has been disabled since. He still worked and supported us, but it wasn't the life he and my mom had planned on. And I wouldn't wish that he wasn't my dad just because he was disabled. Just as other children don't wish they didn't have their parents because they are older.
Besides, my grandmother is 92 and still lives on her own----I plan to stick around for a good long time!!

[ERAmy]

Nope, not being selfish. I know someone who is 51 and going to use the last of her embryos this year. Shes used to running a farm and is now running a B&B. Just listening to what she does in a single day tires me out.

She has a son Evans age, 2 and grown kids but she can still run circles around me.

Good luck!

[coachmom]

Ya, I can identify.. We adopted Cody when I was 45.. He has quite a bit of family to lean on if something ever happens, so it is nice to have someone.
People can be brutal. My infertility doctor told me, before we decided to adopt, that I was getting older, dear..
Duh..like I didnt know that..
No you are not being selfish, you are being a mom and thinking of your children.
I would like to adopt again even if i am getting older..but unfortunately, hubby is not on board..
Prayers for you..
Coachmom

[Gatos]

I have had all the same thoughts you have had. Bottom line:

a. It's best to have siblings
b. Decide now to live to be 100. Take vitamins, eat healthily, exercise - all the right stuff.

That's what I've decided to do.

[Truthdefenders]

Laura,

You are totally right. Our parents are from a different generation. My mom was 36 when she (oops) had my brother 8 years after me. She was the oldest mom in the PTO by many years. But times have changed, and you are young at heart. If you feel you have the energy, go for it. You're a great mom and Sabrina will appreciate siblings when she is older. Just my 2 cents...

Love ya.

[guatparents2be]

Hi Laura

I don't think you're being selfish at all...if you were to say that you wanted two so there would be a greater chance one would take care of you in your old age? That might be selfish.

Truthfully though, IMHO being "hooked on motherhood" is enough reason to bring another child into your lives. Actually, there are plenty of siblings that can't stand each other as children or adults. If Sabrina ends up with a close relationship with her sibling then it's a bonus.

[Shoshana]

I remember the first conversation I had with my mom about adopting. She said (in a worried and dramatic tone), "but Elizabeth, what's going to happen to the baby if you die?" I replied that I couldn't make my life decisions based on might happen if I were dead! I said, "imagine me sitting alone in a rocking chair at age 75, ranting and raving and yelling at G-d because he let me live to old age -- I'd be saying, "Darn it G-d, I should have made different decisions back then." Anyway, she never mentioned it again... Both she and my father are totally devoted to and enchanted with their only granddaughter! Of course, it's very reciprocal. It doesn't make much sense to wish that my life had been different, I wouldn't have been a good mom when I was younger, I never got married, etc. etc. etc. I'm a good mom now, and that's what really matters.

That said, I've decided not to adopt a second child -- not because I wouldn't love for my dd to have a sibling... although I'm very aware that there's no guarantee siblings will be friends in childhood OR adulthood Primarily tho', I don't feel I'd be as capable, emotionally or financially or physically, to care for two children. If I weren't single, I might make a different decision.

[giovanni7460]

I am 47. My children are 23,21,17,4 and 1.

Would I do it again?????????? Without a question in my mind. Am I different then I was 23 years ago? Yes, but thats what makes us the people we are. Yes I am tired. But this is the best 5 things that I have ever done in my life. I have had quite a full life. I have done some great and some really not so proud of stuff. But 5 times I made the right choice. I am proud of what GOD has choosen to put in my life. I am proud that HE has allowed me to be the mother of my children.
ITs never easy but its a fun ride.
Patty
mom to 5 including antonio and giovanni

[annaguat]

No, not being selfish and I think bringing in another child for the sake of your first child is definitely not selfish either. I actually think it is great.

One of my dear aunts asked me if I was sure I wanted to add more children to our family because of my age and my family history. She was sincerely concerned if I would still be there for them as at that time my mother was dying and there is a lot of cancer in the family history. It both scared and startled me. DH, the older children and I talked about the possibility of my dying when the babies still need me. DH promised to raise the girls and their older siblings are commited to help. DH is older then me, 50, but his family has longevity genes.

I think no matter what age you are add you should look at the support network your child(ren) have when you pass away.

Besides 45 is not that old.

Anna

[giovanni7460]

Oh yeah and I am a granny to the most beautiful 3 year old ever!!!!!!
PAtty

[heathcliff]

You voiced my exact thoughts, and I am currently in
the middle of adopting my second child, AND my homestudy approved me for 2 additional children, so I may actually bring home 2 children home from Haiti to join my dd at home from Guatemala...I don't think you are selfish, and I am not either. I lost my Mom when I was 20 and my Dad when I was 29, they were both young in death, and I don't know what I would have done without siblings to see me through in life...One never knows what will happen, but I eat well, exercise and have a postive outlook...

Cindy S

[mcaccese]

You are not selfish. You are a loving, caring and giving MOM who is at a point in her life where she knows without a doubt that she wants kids in her life more than anything else. I had my first son when I was 24 and I had my second son at 34. Now I am 38 and I am having a daughter through adoption. I must say that I am a much better mom now than I was at 24. I adored my son and he was the center of my life even at that young age, but the maturity I have gained through the years is a plus for motherhood.
Maybe motherhood at a young age was good for your Mom. But we are all different and you should not let your Mom's opinion make you doubt that you are doing a great thing.

[KMatthews]

Laura,
I dont think your being selfish at all, I'm going to be 40 the end of this yr and Zack will be our first child, I too want to adopt again in the future for the same reasons. But being a mom is something I have always dreamed of. So I can totally understand... And My DH and I was just talking about this and he agrees we should try to adopt again so Zack has a little brother or sister so he isnt the only child and he too has someone else. I say do what feels right for you!!!

Kim

[GuatMommy2Be]

No way! I'm a young mother, but I say, if you have the love in your heart for another child- why not? My friends mother is 58, and does not look a day over 40! Maybe you should adopt from both countries?