[dolphingirl]

Hi everyone. I know I've seen threads about this before so I'm hoping you can help. Our daughter has been home for about 3 weeks. She slept thru the night the whole time we were in Guatemala and for the first 2 weeks, but not this week... I guess the honeymoon is over. She wakes up about an hour after we put her to bed, we go in and rock her, and she goes back to sleep. Then, she's up again about 2 hours later, and we can get her back to sleep holding/rocking her. Then, about an hour later, she's up again. Last night, she would not go back to sleep and screamed even when I was holding her. I tried feeding her because she didn't eat as much yesterday during the day so I figured she was hungry... she drank her entire bottle but still wouldn't sleep! After being awake for 2 hours, she finally fell asleep in my arms, I put her in her crib, and she is asleep now (thankfully!!!).

I knew to expect this to a certain extent, but I feel like I have no idea what to do. I know I shouldn't let her "cry it out," but is it okay to be holding her when she cries? Even if it isn't helping? Is this normal? Does it ever get better?? Is this an attachment thing, or is this just typical 8-month-old behavior? I really don't want to cosleep because I'm a really light sleeper. I thought about sleeping in her room, but I'm not sure if that's the way to go either.

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Help!?!!

[mcanvasback]

Hi, I am jumping over from the Russia board because the same thing happened to me. Except - my dd slept through the night in Kyrgyzstan (that's where she is from- former Soviet republic in Central Asia) but stopped as soon as we got home. I was in agony!! I got so much advice from the boards, as you will, and I tried it all.

I made the bed softer, I took her in with me, (her crib was in my room - in retrospect I think a mistake) I played soft music, I elevated her head, I gave her teething tablets, I made the room darker, I gave her a nightlight - you get the picture . Nothing worked. So, for 6 weeks I just picked her up, rocked her, held her, gave her a bottle, whatever I had to do to soothe her. Then my babysitter came to live with us.
Ok, I know this is controversial, but we did move her crib into her own room (I felt like she was going off to college!) and let her cry it out. The first night it was 20 minutes, the second night 15, the next night 10, etc. It was really hard, and she did not stop waking up right away, but it was much, much less immendiately and got better and better, until today, home 1 year next month, she sleeps through the night every night and naps like an angel. I believe (and again - I know this is up for huge debate) that if I had not done what I did, she would not be sleeping the way she is today. See, we train them to wake up when we go in, hold them, rockt hem, feed them. For the first 4-6 weeks you do what you have to do to make them feel secure - but after that - no one is getting any sleep unless you take drastic action and everyone is miserable! This is actually the best thing for them - they need to be able to put themselves to sleep and back to sleep! My daughter is now able to hang out in er crib, play and talk to herself if she is not ready to fall asleep, which I thin is a great sign of her feeling secure

As for attachment - I think (and again, up for debate) that it is way to early to assume this is about attachment - I think it is just about being in a strange place, not sure what is going on, feeling insecure, and realizing that, if she cries, someone will always come and feed her!

BTW< my dd was 9 months, I am also a light sleeper and co -sleeping was a disaster!

[Devora]

First off, whatever advice you receive here (including what I'm about to offer)....nothing will be a magic cure. Sleep is one of the hardest issues to deal with and everyone will have a lot of contradictory advice -- because each of us has found something different that works for us and for our children. The following is what we learned when we brought our son home – take whatever (if anything) seems like it will work for you and discard the rest.

(1) Try to set aside all of the subtle and blatant judgements about you as a parent that you may be feeling. Sleep seems to be one of the biggest ways these days that we judge ourselves and others as parents. A lot of times it is subtle and unintentional. But with a small child one of the first questions people will ask you is, “How are they sleeping?” If you say anything other than “Great!” it can leave you feeling inadequate as a parent. This is completely unnecessary. I know how frustrating it is to hear, "Just do this...." as if it's really that easy. The fact is, dealing with sleep is never easy except for parents whose children have never had any difficulties with sleep.

(2) Every child is different. It will take time to figure out what works for you and your child. What worked great for someone else may be entirely wrong for your child.

(3)Your child is still transitioning. Our son had a very smooth transition, but it still took about a month for us to really iron out the sleeping. Too, illness, disruption in the schedule, growth spurts, developmental spurts, and teething can all unsettle a child who normally sleeps well. These are yet more reasons why #1 is so important. Until a child has securely attached and the initial transition is over, it is recommended not to let them “cry it out.” If people tell you to let them cry, don’t listen in the beginning. Maybe eventually that is what you will need to do. But in the beginning your child needs to know they can trust you to respond to them.

(4) Overtired = sleep less. While all kids are different, it's common children in the first couple of years to need 12-16 hours of sleep in a 24 hour period. If she's getting much less than 12, chances are she's overtired. Paradoxically, she will then have a harder time getting to sleep.

As for advice...This is what we found. Basically, our son needed to learn that his crib was a safe place to be, that we would come for him when he needed us, and that he could fall asleep on his own. How did we accomplish that? We took ideas from Tracey Hogg's book "The Baby Whisperer." (Awful title, I know!!) The book isn’t actually quite as helpful as an online interview with her where she’s more practical and also talks about older children. (But the book provides a framework for understanding the interview. You can find the interview by doing a search for using her name +sleep.) She advocates for the fact that we need to not rely on what she calls props to get our children to sleep -- whether that's a bottle, sleeping on us, being rocked, etc. We do need to give them comfort items like a plush toy or something.

Instead of crying it out, she talks about sitting with your child, patting them, and shushing them to sleep. The idea is that you do as little as necessary -- at first it may be patting and loud (like a water faucet) shushing. As time goes on you may be able to lightly pat. Then you may be able to sit next to the crib. (For us, we patted very little when our son fought sleep because it made him mad and he pushed our hands away -- the important part is that we payed attention to his cues and followed him, so patting wasn’t typically part of our approach.)

As for time, she says you do this for 40 minutes; if she's not asleep or seeming comfortable and relaxed in her crib, take a 20 minute break of quiet activity; then go at it for another 40 minutes. Usually they'll fall asleep in that time. If not, then you take a break for food if it's food time, or else another 20 minute break. At first it can mean that you feel like you spend all day trying to get her to sleep. But she says that in 1-2 weeks most babies have learned to go to sleep in the crib with no "props". (However, do have a regular routine with cues ahead of time that naptime or bedtime is coming -- changing a diaper, pulling curtains shut, etc.) In this approach, your child may cry while you pat and shush -- but the difference is that you stay there and build trust with them, minimizing the feeling of being abandoned. And unlike rocking your child to sleep, you are teaching your child to go back to sleep on her/his own. The key is that you do the minimum amount of “intervention” that’s necessary. So you might pat and shush at first, then just shush, then shush from a couple feet away, then shush from across the room, then not have to be there at all.

Whatever you do, the key is to be consistent. Once we consistently did (as in NEVER deviated from) Tracey Hogg’s approach, it only took 3 days until we could do our goodnight routine, lay our son in bed, and walk out of the room. He would then talk himself to sleep. (Note: he now protests a little sometimes, but within 10 minutes he’s asleep.)

You WILL get through this!! And when it gets too bad, do what I did before we got this worked out: when I was driving I would look at the drivers around me at the stoplights and remind myself that they were all babies once and they all survived to adulthood -- and some of them probably didn't sleep well when they were babies.

[kacmom1]

One thing you need to do is to "teach" her to fall asleep on her own. A lot of babies have trouble if they fall asleep in your arms and then if they wake up and realize that you're not there, it upsets them and they cry. Instead of picking her up everytime she cries, try just rubbing her back, quietly telling her that you are there, teach her to sooth herself... If you go in everytime she cries and pick her up, then you'll be doing that for a long time! It's so hard to get through this...but you will. And it will end.

About crying it out....that's very hard too. A lot of people are against it but a lot of people have used this method and it works. I used it with my 4 bio kids and it worked like a charm in about 3 or 4 nights (my adopted son came to us at 2 yrs old and he was already sleeping all night!!). The first night is hard, the next night is easier and then by night 3 or 4, the baby would cry for a few minutes and then sleep all night. I had good luck with this method and it didn't harm my kids at all. They are all very well adjusted kids and excellent sleepers! From 12 weeks old they all slept 8 hours through the night! It's just a matter of teaching them and reassuring them that you are still there...and it's ok to go to sleep.

Your daughter has only been home for a short time. It may take some time for her to get to know and trust you. Hang in there....this will pass! You just have to decide how you want to handle this and be consistent.

Where in MD are you?

[DPline]

My daughter was like that when she came home and it took me quite a while to figure out, but she was overtired. And the less she slept, the less she slept. It sounded crazy to me, but sleep truely begats sleep with her. She was 11 months old at the time and we got her on a very strict routine and it did wonders. The first couple nights she was in bed by 5:30 - 6:00 PM. Then a nap at 9:00 AM and 1:00 PM. After the first couple nights of catching up, she was in bed by 6:00-6:30 PM every night. She has been home over 2 years and is 3 years old, and still if she gets overtired, heaven help us.

Defenetly work on attachment parenting techniques, but you might also consider working on getting her into bed before she shows signs of being tired - which at least in my daughter's case, lead almost immediately to overtired. I found the book Healthy Sleep Habits, Happy Child to be a God-send in getting her on a good sleep rountine.

Personally I do not believe in letting a newly adopted child 'cry it out.' You are currently building trust and a secure attachement and teaching them that you are there for them and this should include at night time as well as daytime.

Good luck! It will get better, I promise!

[JustBarbara]

Well, at 8 months I'm thinking that since she has not been eating as much but is still thirsty that teething tablets might help - I get the Hyland homeopathic and they work a charm for DS. Also, your baby may be overtired - I have tried successfully the patting the back and sushing. But I only did it for about 10 minutes. DS has always slept in his own room - I am a light-sleeper so co-sleeping is not an option ... except when he is sick and needing some extra TLC I WILL bring him into bed with me for an hour or so until he is back asleep and then carry him into his crib. He has never had a problem about confusion when he wakes up in his crib (their memory at this age is not optimal). Your daughter has only been home three weeks so I'd really work on establishing a SCHEDULE - write things down - re: naps - at 8 months DS would wake up at 6am, nap from 930-1030, nap from 2:30-4:30p and asleep by 6-630pm give or take a few minutes. Try giving DD a bath before bedtime. Good luck and keep us posted.

I also don't adhere to the crying out - even Dr. Ferber has gone back on that one. I should say I also live in an apt so perhaps that adds somewhat to my reticence.

[lanngriffin]

Our baby (10 1/2 mo) slept throught he night like an angel while in Guat and for the first two weeks home, then started exactly the same thing you described about waking and crying a lot. We just comforted her, I felt she was grieving, she would look around oddly at our home and at us during these crying jaggs too. It lasted 4-5 days, the last night it was particularly bad, I was discouraged, but then after her longest cry, she went to sleep for 10 hours and for the past 3 nights now, she sleeps totally peacefully again, I think she just needed to grieve and it was part of the process of letting go. She has been so easy and comfortable now, like she has released a lot of stress. I traded off with my husband a lot during the rough times so neither of us would get too frustrated and sleep deprived, hang in there, I bet what you are experiencing is very temporary. Best wishes.

[azamboni]

You have gotten lots of good advice! Hugs!

[arthymom]

I will echo Carli in Cali and Dpline's advice.

Read Healthy sleep Habits Happy Child.

I am following the advice and most nights our dd is now (just this week) only waking once.

We had night wakings hourly in Guatemala and when we came home.

Now we are all a much better rested family.

Get the book and follow it!!!

Best,

[redru2004]

Lucas came home at about 10 1/2 months old. According to his FM, he was getting up once during the night for a bottle with her but would go right back to sleep. When he was placed with us and we got home he was getting up just about every hour, up to 7 times a night. I was miserable, I didn't have a clue what to do and I felt like the worlds worst mother. What I did was I got up with him every time, I held him and rocked him, often times he would scream for 2 hours, I just continued to hold him close, told him how much I loved him and let him do what he needed to do in my arms. Eventually he would fall asleep in my arms and I'd place him in his crib. This went on for about a month, and then slowly he'd wake up less, it went down to 3 times a night, then once and now he sleeps through the night. During the second month home though Lucas would wake up during the transition from my arms to the bed and throw a huge fit. I'd rock him again, he'd fall asleep only to wake up when I set him down. I could do this 10 times over and it would be the same each time, so I finally let him cry it out. The first night it was for about 25 minutes, and each night for the next 3 it got to be less and soon I was able to lay him in his crib when it was bedtime and he would put himself to sleep. With Lucas I believe all of the sleep issues were part of his grieving and his attachment issues. Hang in there, no there is no magic cure and just keep trying different things. A lot of parenting is trial and error. One tip that really works well for Lucas though...he's got one of those crib musical things... it attaches to the side of the crib and he adores it!!!!!!!!!!!!! He'll often fall asleep listening and watching that. Good Luck!

[royalt]

Have you checked her ears? possibly teeth also. My daughter has similar night wakenings when her ears are infected. I wouldn't know during the day, no ear pulling, no fever.