[CarmJoeMom]

I hope I can post this here. I have been talking with an adoptee lately that has been helping me with some of my nervousness regarding adoption. This is one thing she wrote that hit home...what do you think?

As an adopted person, I would have to say that the feeling "left out" is a pretty common thing for those of us with and without siblings who are our adoptive parents' biological children. From the perspective of an adoptee, it has next to nothing to do with the way our parents treat us, or the way our siblings treat us, or the way our entire extended family treats us. It's in the little things. For instance, when my extended family gets together (my mother has 2 sisters, who have three daughters between them) there's always talk of diets and figures and breast reductions... that's a part of their life, and they can't help it, and they talk about it because they can all relate, but I'm always left feeling left out because I'm not their genetic equal. I'm shorter. Much thinner. A diet, for me, would be unhealthy. I don't share their apple shape, and will never need to worry about diabetes and heart disease the way they do. Also, with my little 32B's I'm never going to need a breast reduction. They don't mean to leave me out, but it's a kind of conversation I could never participate in. The same thing happens when they talk about school, which leads to discussions of scholarship money and "Indian" money (they're all 1/2 Choctaw) -- and I will never receive that money, even though I'm a part of their family, because I am not Choctaw. I'm not Native American at all. I guess what I'm getting at is, there are so many ways in which adopted children DO feel left out, siblings or not, and there's not really anything you can do about it. We feel "left out" because we are different. Because when we look at the people we most admire and respect, we don't see anything that looks like us. We long, as every human being does, to see something familiar... Familiar in the sense that we want to know that we "belong" in our family. That we "fit in." That we're "normal." And you can never feel that way, when everywhere you look, you see people you know you will never resemble. It's more a feeling of "un-belongingness" than a feeling of being "left out." Call it Ugly Duckling Syndrome. The fact that you're worried about you possible future adoptive child's feelings speaks volumes about your reasons for adopting (you'd be amazed how many adoptions never consider the child and what's best for them -- adoption usually isn't)... and my only suggestion is that, if you're going to adopt, for the sake of the child, do an open adoption. Get every scrap of information you can possibly get about your child's family and heritage, and celebrate that. In most adoptive families, we adoptees are not allowed to celebrate, or even acknowledge our differences. We are made to pretend that we are the same as our adoptive families, and we're not, and that kind of blatant self-denial is psychological murder.

And... again... thanks for caring. If you're concerned about adopting, and the child's feelings... there are about a gazillion adoptee blogs out there. You should read them. I think the perspective would be incredibly healthy for you... in fact, I think they should be required reading for anyone considering adoption.

[2xaround]

Thanks for sharing this. My husband and I have had some lengthy conversations about how we can help our daughter cope with those moments of feeling "left out." Although we realize there is no way for us to eliminate them all together, we do want to do what we can to reduce those times and help to make her life as happy a life as we possibly can. As much as I would like to think that love conquers all, I know deep down inside that it's not really true. All of us, adopted or not, go through periods in our life of trying to figuring our who we really are and what we're all about. For those of us not adopted, we have the luxury of being able to answer some of those questions by looking at our parents or other siblings and recognizing the similarties. While I may look more like my mom and have more of my dad's personality I'm not completely like either one of them and had to find my own identity in this world. Yet, I still have that one piece of the puzzle that my daughter will never have and that's living in a family with those physical similarities. What I'm hoping we'll be able to do for her though, is find those other similarities in life. Those similarities that comes from environment. We may find that her personality is more in line with mine, but her interests are more in line with my husband's. Maybe she'll be a cheerleader one day like I was and enjoy playing guitar like my husband. Those are the things that we can key in on to help her find that while we may not share the same geneics, we share many other things. I also think it is important for us to gather any and all information we can about her birth family. We don't know if it will be possible to get much information, but any little bit we can find we will one day share with her. We can also continue to learn and celebrate her culture and allow that to become part of who we are as well. So, while we will never be able to give her all the pieces to her puzzle in life, we will strive to give her the majority of them so that she is able to see the hidden picture in those pieces.

[ocracoke]

I don't normally visit this forum. I hope your friend is able to find peace with the issues of her adoption. It must be hard to feel automatically eliminated from a part of the family.

I have to say, as an adoptee, I really didn't. Like your friend, my adoptivefamily never did anything intentionally to exclude me from the family (except for my step-mom's parents who have a very very very narrow definition of family). And I was also adopted into a family that didn't match my original family. I am German and English and as a child blonde and blue eyes. I was adopted into a family that was dark hair, dark eyes, and half jewish. I have medical issues that they don't and they have ones that I don't. But they also have ones that other family members don't. I also don't have ones that my bio family members have. I guess what I am saying is that issues came up, conversations happened that I was not an active participant in, but I never really felt "left out" like your friend described. Maybe that is because I am not the only adopted family member in my family. I have a sister (biological) who is also adopted and a cousin who is adopted. I have a step mom and 2 half siblings. And I have an adopted daughter. Since there are so many families in my family we all have are differences.

Best of luck,
Samantha

[Shoshana]

I was adopted at two weeks in the closed era, also known as the Baby Scoop Era. The only information I knew about my first mother was that she was " (paraphrased to make age appropriate: unmarried/young and wanted me to have a family that could take care of me in the way that she could not, she loved me enough to place me for adoption [give me away]). When I was a teen, I learned from the agency that she was of Irish/Polish descent, 5'4, reserved, and had brown hair and brown eyes. That's it. Nothing more.

I wouldn't have used the words "left out" like your friend did, but I would say I felt different from my family and even more different and alone when the extended family was together. Everyone was related to my parents except me... As a small child, even though I knew I had been "born", I believed that I was not connected to or related to another human being -- thus, not only was I separate from my afamily, but separate from everyone. I scanned crowds looking for a familiar face, I read phone books hoping to magically find a familiar name. I'd say that the two things that were the most difficult for me were understanding adoption itself (e.g., she loved you enough to give you away) and not having any models for my psychological or physical self. Complicating this was my need to protect my adoptive parents, whom I loved dearly. I rarely discussed adoption, no one would have had a clue that I thought about it so frequently or intensely.

I found my first mother and her extended family when I was 20 years old. If I hadn't, I don't think that I ever would have been at peace - in other words, I needed to know her in order to understand and complete my own identity. I learned from the search to love my afamily even more, once the discomfort and fear and questions were resolved. They are my family. I have two families. I love them differently. It's not a normal state to be missing your entire identity/history in a culture that celebrates family.

I'm raising an adopted daughter. I've already searched for her first family to ensure that she's able to have answers to her questions before she reaches her teenage years. I don't feel at all worried that my daughter won't love me, or that she'll love her first mother more. I know that nothing erases history and I know how vitally important it is to have connections to one's roots.

Edited to add this paragraph as an introduction to the following. I'm sorry, I know the next paragraph sounds like a lecture. I've tried to write it in a way that it does not, and I can't seem to get the passion/emotion out of my tone.

For many adoptive parents, adoption is totally new in their lives and they will experience many changes in their understanding, similarly to how adoptees' perspectives change over time. Remember all of the idiotic comments you've heard from adults? Try to imagine how a three or five or even seven year old will make sense of adoption. I believe that it is better to be prepared for questions and even "issues" than to believe that your child will sail through the experience of adoption because of how much you love her. If you have your fingers crossed that your child will not have any "issues" then if your child does, how could you possibly not feel like you've somehow failed? How could you possibly not communicate that hope to your child and, thus, increase the likelihood that your child will try to protect you, or feel guilty because of their curiosity? Read the book "20 things adoptees want adoptive parents to know" -- read it until it doesn't make you squirm or flinch. Read it until the fear changes to acceptance and you can begin to understand through your child's eyes. Of course, not every adoptee fits the "profile" in the book, but I'd guess that most adoptees can relate to at least one or two of the twenty. Tell your child her story from the time she is an infant/toddler so that it becomes totally comfortable and familiar to you. Don't wait for your child to bring up the subject (why would that be a child's responsibility?) and don't assume that if your child isn't talking about it that they're not thinking about it. Being adopted is an integral component of an adoptee's identity. How could it not be?

[kerriv]

Great topic to bring up. I'm on another forum that includes all members of the adoption triad. While no two people are ever going to feel exactly the same about something, I think it's really important for us, as adoptive parents, to hear the views of adoptees. It can only help to broaden our outlooks on the issues our children will face as they grow up.

[Anne1377]

Hi Elizabeth,

I always love to read your posts. They are so insightful and make me think about things. I sent you a private message a few weeks ago but I am not sure if you received it because my pm's were messed up for a while. Please send me a PM to let me know if you got it. Once I receive yours, I will send you another back.

I apologize for posting this on the forums but wanted to be able to get back in touch with you.

Are you and Xiomara thinking of a trip to Guatemala anytime soon???

Diane

[JustBarbara]

Very interesting thread and I look forward to seeing other postings on this subject. DS is 17 months old and has been home almost a year and I 'talk' to him about Guatemala and his bmom. Of couse he's too young to understand everything but I want this to be a comfortable subject for him (and me) to discuss as he gets older. It should never be a 'new' topic of discussion. I have often lurked on the adoptee board here and sometimes post - I find it fascinating and illuminating to read posts from adoptees. No such thing as too much education on this subject! There are a lot of sad and angry posts as well as many in the opposite vein. I celebrate DS's culture and background and will share pictures and details of his bmom whenever he asks. If at 18 he wants to try and find her I will help. My best friend and her DH adopted a boy from Alaska six years ago and they celebrate his uniqueness and his heritage every day. I know several couples who have adopted and also have a cousin who was adopted and is in reunion with her bmom - my cousin is almost 50 and it took her about five years to find her bmom about 10 years ago. I have read of adoptees only finding out they were adopted when an elderly aparent has died and they're going through old paperwork - and some of these people are in their 40s and 50s! Very sad indeed but I know there were a lot of closed adoptions way back when.

[lmitchem]

I'm adopted and have an older brother who is my parents biological son. I have never felt left out at all. No, I have no idea about my medical history but thats never been a big deal for me at all.

I have lots to say on the subject of being adopted but I will make a long story short and say that I'm happy being adopted. My life has been great - I've never wanted to search for the lady who gave birth to me or have a relationship with her children. Sure, they may have my dna makeup - our blood may be the same but that never mattered to me. I have 1 Mom and 1 Dad and 1 big brother...none share my genes but they all have my heart. Thats all that matters to me.

Lisa

[Larue]

I have talked extensively to friends who joined their families through adoption. And there seems to be a real mix on their feelings about being adopted. And how it has impacted their lives. Once again, I really think it's about the quality of the relationship they had with their family. And this is true of any family -whether they share DNA or not.

Jackie - you really like to stir it up don't ya?! Once again a very interesting and thought provoking thread. My most favorite kind.

[JPDakota]

From my point of view it is always good to get different perspectives in an attempt to understand.
I was adopted in the closed era and have never felt left out by my family, immediate or extended. I don't look like most of them, but it never bugged me. I have their mannerisms, interests, experiences, etc. I guess I'm happily adopted. One writer suggested to be sure to do an open adoption. That would not be my counsel. Like I said, lots of opinions.