[danabyers]

Hi, Everyone!

Mackenzie has been home 6 months this week. Just like many adoptive families, we experience '2 steps forward; 3 steps back' on a regular basis regarding her attachment but we are very pleased with her efforts as we work to remain positive amidst the ups and downs.

We've been doing holding time (Martha Welch's program) for awhile, and I am seeing progress. I thought I'd post and ask if there's anyone else out there in our forum who's done holding time consistently to where your child is now seeking you for holding time to cry or spend time together to connect. On occasion I can tell Mackenzie is coming to me to help her regulate the sadness, anger and/or fear that an unexpected event or occurrence sparks in her, but I'd love to hear other parents' experiences as my husband and I press on to walk her through this pain.

THANKS!!
Dana

[catsnkids]

I have tried the holding time but not on a regular basis. I do notice that after we do it my daughter is not nearly as whiny as before we did. However, we never really reach (I forget what she calls it) but the last stage. Usually, if I can just get her to look me in the eyes for 15-30s w/o screaming we call it a day. This usually takes about 30-45 min. to get to that state. My daughter never comes to me looking for holding time and really fights it when we do it. I'm not sure how much I believe in it but will keep giving it a try for a little while longer.

[Niclayson]

We never followed a specific program but at the advice of an attachment therapist, we did spend TONS of time carrying and holding our son the first year home. This was usually done in our Ergo carrier...because my arms were killing me after awhile.

It made a huge difference. Our son went from a scared, anxious, often aggressive little one to a mostly calm, loving boy (he's 2 so we do have our moments of toddler behavior). He cracks me up when he comes to me and says "hold you" which means pick me up and snuggle with me. He still does this a few times a day...with only DH and I. It's so sweet.

[JenRo]

I'm also trying "holding time" but unsure about it --

my 10 mos. (home 3 mos) is on the GO ... I don't want to keep her from exploring but want to promote attachment ... she would MUCH rather be crawling around getting into her brothers' toys.

I'm interested in hearing about others' experiences, as well.

Jen R.

[angelkisses0102]

I'll share what we did. Quick background my DS was 8 months old when placed in my arms and was severely anxiously attached (insecure attachment) or worse. He had no honeymoon period which was actually a blessing in disguise.

His feet barely touched the ground the first 6 months home; he was either held or in a carrier facing me he had no choice...he would have the rest of his life to crawl, learn to walk, explore. We did everything we could in regard to attachment parenting but the two things that I feel helped in our case was him being carried almost constantly those first 6 months (he was still placed in the carrier and held a lot until he was 3'ish but it steadily decreased after the first year home) and holding time.

He had to work through his fear, anger, and hurt and needed to know I be there for him regardless...that I would not leave him as his first mom did at one month old and as his caretaker did at 8 months old; even if he was trying to push me away. He needed to know that this mommy was stronger than him and loved him no matter what he did. We did hold to resolution the vast majority of the time...we did this on a regular scheduled basis and then worked to an as needed basis. There were days he fought resolution so hard, he would fall asleep...some sessions lasted over an hour or more at first.

Here is a good article on holding http://www.adoptionparenting.net/holding.pdf .

My son fought like crazy at first...he was scared to trust me so he fought me...as he got older and stronger he would manage to physically hurt me but I knew it was helping him. One day I noticed that as he started to dysregulate he misbehaved so that I would hold him...that was a huge breakthrough for us...he was just a toddler but we talked about simply asking to be held instead of misbehaving. He did slowly begin coming to me before he was a mess. One day, I was so sad, so frustrated, so tired of it all and he wanted to be held...he was sobbing and suddenly I was too. That was probably one of our biggest turning points in his attachment.

Holding is hard, it goes against what we believe sometimes but for us it was worth the time, effort, pain and tears FOR US...today I have a just turned 4 year old who has only shown positive healthy secure attachment for the past 11 months; we are not there completely yet but I can now say I know we will be.

Good luck...