[Mindybeth6]

I am a little sad about the lack of children's books pertaining to Guatemalan adoption. Therefore, I am writing one myself for Mikayla. I have the whole thing written but am really pondering over the part of the story about her birthparents. How would you address this information in a child-friendly way. Any suggestions? I feel it is very important to include the fact that her original parents could not care for her and chose adoption. Of course techincally it was the mother who chose but I want to say birthparents instead of birthmother. I need it to be very child-friendly in simple terms. Any suggestions? Like a one-two sentence thing about it. I had someone suggest leaving the birthparents out all together but I don't want to do that. I want her to know about this. Even if it is in the simplist terms possible.
Thanks so much
Mindy

[JillnChris]

Maybe something about how there once were two woman, one of them had a baby that she could not take care of and the other needed a baby to take care of. Or something about how there once was a woman who loved her baby very much but she did not have a home to give her so she gave the most precious gift of all to a woman who also loved the baby very much and needed a child to fill her home.
I'm not a very good writer but maybe you will get some ideas.

[auntiepippi]

Mindybeth, awesome idea... By no means do I feel this should be what goes into the book -- add it to all the other ideas... Maybe something like this:

Out of love, because your birthparents were not able to care for you fully, they chose for you to be adopted by other very loving people who were able to care for you. This was a difficult decision, but one that they made because they did love you so very much. So we were given the gift to become your parents and we also love you so very much!

[Mindybeth6]

Wonderful suggestions! Thank you for helping me with this. I have had real writer's block over this part of the story...just trying to get it to come out "right." KWIM?
Hugs

[Isabo]

Mindy,
Thank you for wanting to include the first parents in your book. I believe that leaving them supports the illusion that your child's life began at adoption and sends a message to the child that their life before adoption has no value, which of course is incorrect.

The concept of "gift" can be very troubling for first mothers and adoptees. As a first mother, I and other mothers I know, do not want to be thanked for the "gift" we gave to the adoptive parents. These mothers and I feel that we gave the gift of a two parent family (or a family who could provide for them, etc.) to our child, but that our child was not a gift to the adoptive parents. I have read that some adoptees also are troubled with being viewed as a gift. Additionally, the whole concept of "love your child so much that you gave them away" can be very hurtful and confusing to a child. I agree that it is difficult to come up with a good way to present these concepts to a child. Good luck.

[auntiepippi]

I just read the last post and I meant no offense by my suggestions. Mindybeth, I can see why you find this part of the story difficult to word. When I said "gift," I meant a gift from GOD, but chose to leave the religion wording out of the story because I did not know if you wanted to include that wording -- not a gift from the birthmother... I feel ALL my children, of course including my birthchildren, are GIFTS from GOD and I am thankful each and every day for these blessings upon me. Again, I meant no offense...

Also, if the decision for an adoption plan is not made "out of love," how else should we describe it? I would like to read others' suggestions about this because I would like to know how to explain this to my daughter....

[Mindybeth6]

How wonderful to hear from a birthmother...thank you for responding. As adoptive parents I think it is very, very difficult to find the "right" words to describe the entire situation to our children. And since we have a bio child as well this makes it even more complex to me. I don't want either of my children to feel different from the other but Mikayla will of course know she was adopted and our son was not. It's touchy and I want to approach it in the healthiest way possible for BOTH of my children. I have another friend who has a little boy from Guatemala and her and I talk about this at great length often and have never come up with solids answers as to how we will approach this issue with our children. I am really struggling with it. I am sure many of you out there are as well. I know that I have time to think about WHAT and HOW I want to say what I will say but I am thinking of it now because I want to be prepared for this. And that is why it is so important to me to put it in her book in a healthy, simple way for her to be able to understand the best she can at a super young age. As for the gift from God..you would not have offended me as I am religious and believe 100% that both of my children are gifts from God, even though they came to our family in two completely different ways. That is interesting how you said it could bother a child to think he/she was a gift...very true..never thought of that before but I know I would not want to think I was a gift! LOL. I would just want to feel that I was a normal member of my family and that is how I want Mikayla to feel. I am worried about her having issues because of our bio son. I worry about her not feeling like a "true" member of the family like her brother. OF course WE do not feel that way but I can see how a child WOULD feel that way. So that is the whole purpose behind this book, which I am making with real photo's of our family, of Guatemala, of our home, and of the hogar where she spent her first 7 months. It will give her something "real" to look at and to know.
Hugs

[SKL]

This is way too long, but what about something along these lines:

A mother had a baby girl. "What a lovely baby," she said. "She will be hungry! I must find some milk to feed her." But the mother did not have enough money to buy milk for the baby. The baby cried and the mother cried.

The mother knew about other parents hoping to adopt a daughter. She knew they would love her baby and take good care of her. She wanted to keep her sweet baby with her forever, but even more than that, she wanted to make sure her daughter would have everything she needed to be happy and healthy. So she hugged her sweet baby one last time and said goodbye. But she knew she would never forget or stop loving her little girl.

[mamaskoby]

This is such a wonderful idea, may I ask how you are going to publish this or bind it??
Love the ideas I am reading here, I too have a bio son who is 4, and he is waiting for the adoption of his brother so much! But I hope his brother never feels "different"!
Anna

[Mindybeth6]

I am using a popular online photo site that begins with K. LOL. They have what are called Picture Memory Books where you can put a picture (or numerous pictures) on each page and then write about it underneath. It's kind of like a scrapbooking thing but pre-made. So instead of using it as a scrapbook I am making it into a book. There is dedication page in the front where I wrote a thing to Mikayla and dedicated the book to her and such and then there are 20 pages. I used a variety of pictures from her life. It's going to be so neat and I am so excited about it. Thanks again everyone for the suggestions!

[Slatond10]

Hmm... I would not use any words that I did not know to be TRUE 100% for my child to read over and over. Therefore, I would want it to be as simple and TRUE as possible. ( Just my 2 cents)... At this young age your are developing her view of adoption and her birthparents.

Do you have pictures of birthparents? or just birthmother that is being included in book? If only birthmother then I would only use "birthmother"...and say something like:

"Your First Mother that wanted the best for you and loved you!"

***sometimes I am too simplistic but I did a birthmother search and this was almost verbatim her words ***...

[brink]

As an adoptive mom of four, going on five and three bios I've come to realize that no matter how we try to approach this subject, each child will have to deal with their issues of loss in their own way. Our oldest domestic adoption is in high school. We've talked many times about adoption, her birth mother (never met), etc. She seems very well adjusted, without issues concerning her adoption as far as she shares with us. But she hasn't asked many questions...I've offered info through the years, but she seldom initiates. Maybe that doesn't sound like she is processing, but I truly believe she is and has. Yet I know there must be more she is feeling or thinking. As for our others from Guatemala, the daughter who came home two years ago at the age of ten has had much more interest and questions than two sons. Just some thoughts that no matter how we try to word it, show our children that we love them all in the same intense way, they will each approach their history in their own unique way. I think we can try to "sugar coat" the entire issue, making it sound like a sweet, wonderful idea that birth mothers had to choose adoption. But in reality, I can only guess that it was more in desperation and with great struggle and heartache that a birth mother made this decision. I would doubt that many birth mothers think of it as giving a gift to other parents, but that's just my guess having never needed to make this difficult decision for a birth child.

So my words would tend to focus on the difficult decision her birth mother made with her in mind, not with other parents in mind. As others have voiced, the idea of her giving a gift to adoptive parents was probably not foremost in her mind, but rather giving her child what she just didn't have the means to give. Not these words exactly, but focused on the birth mother and child on those pages.

From the very start, when she first saw her beautiful baby, your birth mother gave you what you needed most. She gave you all of her love. But since she didn't have a way to help grow strong, healthy, and happy, she had to ask for help. Her love for you made her strong enough to say goodbye, so you could have those other things she knew you would need.

[SaraAvaandLileesMama]

Or you could say something like. God knew I wanted a baby girl and could not have one so he chose a very special woman to have you for me. She was sad to give you away but knew God had a very special Mommy waiting for you to love you and take care of you and that is me! I don't know maybe an idea could come from it.....

[poppy]

No advice on the actual words, but I just wanted to remind you that it's Mikayla's story. I would make it fit her actual life story as best as possible. If I wrote "that story" for each of the girls we are adopting, they both would be different. One birthmother is young and single and the other has 8 siblings she was living with. The story of an abused child found on the streets wouldn't wouldn't have the birthparents in it.

If you aren't publishing the book for the world to see, then I would make it as politically correct as possible but make it as personal and specific as I could for each child.

[Guatemom]

Neat question--

For Connor's lifebook, I did a 2-page layout devoted to his birth-mother (just haven't done 1 for his birthfather yet). I did them up to look like 'gifts' and I journaled little paragraphs written TO Connor saying things like, "your firstmommy is your birthmommy and her name is ____. She loves you VERY much, but there are many things a baby needs like x, y, z. ___ wanted you to have these things, too-so she wanted you to be adopted. This is how mommy and daddy came to be your parents." That' the short version, but you get the idea. I listed material things and other things relevant to our situation. I also did paragraphs about info things like what she does for a living, where she lives, etc. Just basic things a child can understand. I think the key is to make it simple to understand (not overwhelming), be honest, and be positive!
Here's a scan of what I did. Don't laugh. I'm a novice here! I only rec'd the milestone pics of her-so I had to use copies of those for his page (like the DNA and her cedula, etc.).