[Larue]

I posted this on another thread. But wanted to give this topic some more "air-time". This is a subject that is very near and dear to my heart!

When it became apparent that I was bringing home a toddler, and not the infant that I had envisioned, I did a lot of research on attachment issues. Scary stuff. But thanks to folks like Niclayson and angelkisses, I had a general idea of what to expect. OK, some of the attachment parenting techniques are a little over the top. And I didn't follow it. For example, I did let my family hold Sabrina. Though DH and I were always the ones to feed her, change her diapers, etc. And we did travel to visit family. And she is now in daycare. But we did co-bath and co-sleep for awhile, and when we were going through the Velcro baby stage, I convinced my employer to let me telework and literally wore Sabrina day and night for about a month. Good thing she is such a peanut. BTW - she is doing just great now.

OK....getting on my soapbox now. But what I have to say is that it never ceases to amaze me - that attachment is like a 4-letter word on this Forum. We all support each other through the process. PA – been there. PGN - been there, done that. But once you come home, it’s just all supposed to be good. I know people who have left the Forum because they didn't feel supported when they had attachment issues. So what gives?!?!?!

Why are we so afraid?! We are all so willing to fight the good fight for our kiddos through the process. So why do we expect them to come home and just blend into out lives like they were always there. We were waiting for them, they were NOT waiting for us.


Just something to ponder!!! May the force be with you!!!

[joepegcamp]

Great post, Laura! And I couldn't agree more. I think most of us dream of the fairy tale and when we realize that real life is hard, we put our head in the sand and hope that it goes away soon.

The more we talk about attachment issues, the better we'll be able to handle it when they pop up. We'll also know who to turn to for help and support.

We're waiting on PINK (long wait, don't get me started). Our boy will be home in a few weeks (God willing). And because brave parents have openly discussed attachment, I know what to look for and I have a basic idea of where to start and who to turn to for support.

The more we talk about it, the more we'll know how to handle the situation.

[amymole36]

Laura-
Great post...I struggled...alone, or so I felt for about 6 months because I was too afraid to post about it. I'm glad that others are opening up more about it and it doesn't seem as taboo as it did when I brought Hannah home in Oct.

I always applaud those with the courage to ask the tough questions...as I did not.

[Niclayson]

I addressed this on the other post as well...but I think it is mostly fear. The adoption process IS so stressful and when in process you really want to believe things like attachment disorder "won't happen to me and my kid." At least, that's what I thought! Boy, was I wrong.

I post about this topic frequently. I know it makes people uncomfortable...that's why I do it! Someone has to take attachment struggles out of the closet and into the daylight where we can all work together to support each other.

Attachment difficulties are hard and people take them personally. I think the parents who struggle the most are those who have bio kids. They assume they will parent them just like their bio kids...and quickly figure out that you can't!

Letting a newly adopted baby cry it out....is NOT OK. I let my older bio daughter cry it out when she was 8 months old. She had no abandonment issues. Trey does...and I would NEVER let him cry it out. He needs to know I am there...each and every time. This quite frankly sucks for me...because I am tired of getting up at night after 15 months home. (Now please understand that NOT all adopted kids have attachment issues and so the crying it out might be OK with them...my point is many new adoptive parents just don't even know what is or isn't appropriate those first few months).

Talking about these things is SOOO important for our families.

[tooskis]

I think some people don't mention attachment issues because they since a bit of personal failure as a parent. You see soooo many people on this forum saying how great and easy the transition was for their child and then there are those "home a week, seems like they've been here the whole time" comments. There's nothing wrong with those comments, I think it just lends to the expectation that it should be an easy transition and if it's not, you're doing something wrong. This perception probably extends way beyond transition issues as well. I think mothers in particular are also reluctant do talk about post adoption depression because on this board people predominately talk about how wonderful life is since their baby came home. This can make you feel like your doing something wrong if you experience post adoption depression or feel overwhelmed by your new responsibilities. Again, I'm not saying anyone is doing anything wrong by posting positive comments -- it may just make it harder for those with opposite experiences to feel completely understood.

[Justhavfaith]

Thanks for posting this. I've read the books and studied on-line and thought that I was ready for any attachment related issues that may arise. BUT, I can tell you that once Joshua was home - it was a whole different story. Attachment books are great at telling you what may happen but, not so good at the solutions. It is so important that we have a place to come for advice from others in the same boat.

A few weeks back, I posted a message about Joshua's extreme anger and that I was concerned that it was attachment related. Now I realize that it is related but, that it doesn't have to be so scary. I've tried a number of suggestions from other posters including the "Time-In" which I NEVER thought would work and we are so much better now. I'm not going to lie and say that it is a picnic at my house all of the time but, better thanks to the advice that I recieved from that post.

[Larue]

Originally Posted by Justhavfaith

A few weeks back, I posted a message about Joshua's extreme anger and that I was concerned that it was attachment related. Now I realize that it is related but, that it doesn't have to be so scary. I've tried a number of suggestions from other posters including the "Time-In" which I NEVER thought would work and we are so much better now. I'm not going to lie and say that it is a picnic at my house all of the time but, better thanks to the advice that I recieved from that post.

Hi Teria. Sabrina went through an anger phase. I called it her Exorcist Baby phase. I was waiting for her head to spin around. She would cry, kick, bite and throw things at me. It was hard at times not to take it personal. But I knew she was testing me. She is my sweet little snuggle bunny now. Well, for the moment. Hang in there!!!

[Niclayson]

Yeah, the books do a good job of identifying what attachment disorder looks like...but don't offer many solutions. That IS why this is so important to discuss.

You get home and your kid is throwing over the top temper tantrums...hitting, biting, and kicking...and you post and people reply with "oh it's the Latin temper." That's not only not accurate and not helpful...it makes that parent afraid to share anything else going on at home and afraid to reach out for help.

And I love "time-in". I too thought it wouldn't work but it does!

[Angel99]

I'm raising a glass to you guys for being brave and bringing this up! I can honestly say that if I hadn't done some reading on attachment before my visit trip I would have been absolutely DEVASTATED when my daughter wouldn't have anything to do with me for two days. (that's not to say I didn't run to the bathroom and cry- but I understood the reasons behind her behavior). Your input and perspective on this subject is sooo important!!! Thank you guys again!!!!

Anne

[LadyTink]

Great post!!

[TerriBB]

Laura, thanks too for posting!

I don't think our families understood - but thankfully, I usually held our bio son while he napped at group functions. They think I'm an overprotective mother. Our son had many, many ear infections and at 4 3/4 years, still rarely sleeps through the night - so I'm quite used to dealing with "time in" and the exhausted child. My mind is programmed to hug a mad child, though I can guarantee it wasn't when I first became a parent.

Flora does cry for the first 10 minutes that she's in her bed at night. She refuses to fall asleep in our bed or while being held - she wants to PLAY! If she wakes up in the middle of the night - I'm bedside immediately. The same with a.m. wakings - I never want her to think she's been left. (I sit outside her room and determine if she's making her mad sound or her I'm really upset sound - I run in to comfort her.)

She's been home 8.5 months and I've carried her most of the time! Like Sabrina, she's a peanut. We've been through the biting/hitting/pinching stage - but only to Mommy. Ironically, she had an endless virus in May. I was up with her at least 10 times a night throughout the month. The trust seemed to really bloom - she knew that I would take care of her, no matter what.

We go to an attachment doctor every few months for check-ups.

I feel so bad for the families that feel as if they can't post here about attachment. I'm grateful for those families that post about the topic. At this time last year, we were only 40% through our PGN wait. Our doctor here was quite worried about her lack of physical growth...I was very worried about her attachment, changing her family at a year.

Like everything in life, things aren't always as you dream them to be. I realized that once our son was born that "My Child Won't Do That..." went out the window!

It's only been the last month or so that we consistantly see her wonderful, glorious personality. Many friends have noted that she no longer has that "far away look" that was so hard to describe. She didn't cry...she let us take care of her needs...she smiled at us... She now challenges us with a twinkle in her eye - knowing that she's teasing us, then she laughs.

Take care all of you!

[mommy2gabi]

Well said!! Thanks for posting that!!

[redru2004]

Larue, great post and I agree the whole attachment issue topic can't get enough air time. As a first time mom I didn't know what to expect regarding most things dealing with parenthood. I thought I knew enough about attachment, I really did, until Lucas was placed in my arms forever and found myself sad, frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed every time my son rejected me, every time he hit, bit or head butted me and then I felt ashamed because I thought to myself "What in the world have I done???". Lucas has been home for 8 weeks now and we still have our moments when I pray "Good God, give me strength before I lose my mind" but for the most part, the good out weighs the bad and he's made leaps and bounds of progress.

[mom2noahymariana]

Now that we are "coming out" , I thought that I would give a little insight to the older child adoption. I know that all children are so very different. But, let me tell you, attachment is not the only struggle. With an older child, it takes time to "love" the child like your other. I hope that this does not sound harsh. But, I thought that I was woing to fall HEAD OVER HEELS in love with her when I first laid my eyes on her just as I did my infant son that we adopted. I was shocked when I didn't! I thought that something was wrong with ME! I did not have the love at first sight. She, on the other hand, did. I am the only "mother" that she has ever loved & I know that. It takes ALOT of patients. Sometimes, I wonder what was I thinking & other times I think what did I do without her.

Just wanted to say that I think the attachment problems goes both ways. But.....I love her more & more each day! But, do I love her as much as my son (who has been home for 6 years).....no, not yet I don't. But I am learning to. I am growing to. I wanted people who have adopted an older child to not feel guilty about this like I have.



(Sorry so long!)

[Larue]

Originally Posted by redru2004

I thought I knew enough about attachment, I really did, until Lucas was placed in my arms forever and found myself sad, frustrated, exhausted, and overwhelmed every time my son rejected me, every time he hit, bit or head butted me and then I felt ashamed because I thought to myself "What in the world have I done .

Hey Amie. Yes. I have been there. As I was cowering in the corner in the fetal position as Sabrina threw things at me. Baby girl could be a major league pitcher! A good sense of humor and a well stocked wine cellar are key!!! Hang tight!!