[robandjulie]

I had my first real bout with idiot adopton responses today and thought I'd share my initiation into the club.

We were back at the bank getting our bank letter reprinted and renotarized (the one we got Friday had a commission that expired 3/08) and the new notary with a 2010 commision came over to congratulate us. How sweet, I thought.

Oh, if she had stopped there.

Where from?
Hopefully probably Guatemala.
Oh that's so great! A friend of mine just brought one home from there.

one? not her son? or her daughter? one? Ok...

I smiled and nodded, giving her the benefit of the doubt.

That's great. How old was her baby when they all came home?
About 6 months, I think, but they're so small there, you'd swear it was only 1 month.
ugh...getting worse. "they're so small there.." ok, yes, but not the most sensitive wording. And it?? IT??

Trying to stay polite at least until we get her notary sig.
"Well, that's great for your friend. We're just starting, but we're looking forward to the process" (ok, so I lied)

Her - the final kicker - "well, I just think it's fantastic. I mean, what a great rescue story. I mean really. Just think in a few years you'll be able to tell your kid 'I rescued you. I saved you. I chose you.' Gosh, that's just fantastic. Good luck!"

DH swears I didn't flinch, but inside I felt like my jaw was on the floor and my eyes had popped out.

At least she meant well, I suppose, better than the truly nasty comments, but oh wow, the ignorance!!

[JustBarbara]

Okay, I just got a lump in my throat ... hey, if DH says you didn't flinch then you didn't Seriously, yup, if only she had stopped then and there. I agree - It - what is "it" ... clearly her friend was not a close friend or she would know the agony of the long journey and not make flippant comments like that. I'm going to say she is fairly young (please - I'm trying to give her a break) and DOES think it's fantastic that you're adopting. What she and many others just don't get is WE adopting parents are the ones getting our special "gifts" - they are called our children.

If I ever hear myself even thinking I "rescued, saved or chose" my son I hope I vomit. Not projectile vomit but you know the adult kind Okay - congratulations on getting your document updated with the new notary ... and welcome to the club where people do say the strangest things to us adopting parents. You clearly have a good sense of humor (as does DH!). Remember I met a prospective pediatrician (very well-known in my area) who told me that my child (from Guatemala) would NEVER look like me ... WHAT??? This was complete news to me ROFL. Good luck - Barbara

[Guatemom]

Ugh....PEOPLE!!!! I dunno I'm afraid I would have came across the table on that last comment. I have 0 patience today. I'm glad you posted this, tho. I've heard a lot of ugly comments today myself b/c i chose, like a fool, to share pictures and updates. What was I thinking?
Hopefully Barbara is right-and this gal is just being young and SOOOOO naive and of course, IGNORANT. Still, doesn't take the hurt and sting away does it? Had a comment last night, and it just hurt my soul so much. I stayed awake and asked DH why can't we change people? Wouldn't it be easier? It's the mean people of the world that stink! He answered, I kid you not--"we are. 1 at a time."
That's the most prophetic thing he's ever said, lol. But so true--so that's my best advice--just rant, rave, whatever--get it out of your system. And remember, you can change the world--just 1 at a time (by education of course).
Big hugs to you

[beverlyanderic]

i don't think people making comments like that mean any harm- i think it's a great opportunity to provide some feedback to them. now, if it's a person just being ignorant on purpose, then that's another story.

[wannabamom]

Julie,
Here's a funny story!!!!!! At my home, they still call me, a big, big, lug, "IT", - DH and my friends tease me no end about it, and we still tend to call the babies, "It", but it in no way discounts the fact that that Bank Lady's comments were ignorant!!!!!!!!! Ah!!!! Well, welcome to my club of relatives, acquaintances, etc...

[robandjulie]

Originally Posted by beverlyanderic

i don't think people making comments like that mean any harm- i think it's a great opportunity to provide some feedback to them. now, if it's a person just being ignorant on purpose, then that's another story.

I agree, she seemed 100 percent sincere in her support and excitement, which is a good thing, she just didn't know better yet. I guess I need to work on my "friendly educational comebacks".

In my head I wanted to make some sarcastic comment about how we're talking about a child, not a stray dog who was about to be put down.

And in response to above, no she was not terribly young. I'm sure she was in her late 30's or early 40's. Which isn't young enough to not know any better, and not old enough to be able to say "well, in my day that's how we thought of it" or some such nonsense. Right smack in the middle of being fully responsible for what comes out of her mouth.

But she meant well. I'm dreading the day when someone actually makes a hurtful comment and means it.

[GuatMommy2Be]

When we were notarizing my husbands bank letter, the notary was E-V-I-L with capital letters! She was SO annoyed she has to notarize and do it a certain way.

I was baffled! There is one lady in my bank (different banks) who is just the sweeeeeetest and asks me if I have Madeline home yet, her son and his wife adopted 2 children through foster care. She is just the sweetest and I think all banks should have a clone of her....

[LadyTink]

UGH!! I am so sorry you had to experience this.

[keirasmom]

Next time this happens (which I hope it doesn't) simply smile and say "Hmmm rescued...I never really thought of it that way. I thought that only applied to pets."

That will make her think about the way she phrases things. I agree with others that she probably meant well, but Geez oh wiz. People just don't get it.

A friend of mine who claims to be "my best Friend" said these kinds of stupid things when I first told her we were adopting. Over the past few months she has basically ignored the fact that we were adopting. In fact, last time she visited she looked at a framed picture of our DS and said "Oh, who's that?" I almost lost it.

I guess there are ignorant people everywhere. We're bound to run into them. Congrats for keeping your cool.

[Mom2princess]

Be prepared after you bring your baby home you will get more questions and comments. You can usually tell when they are trully interested. I did receive the comment on how "lucky" she is, no we are the lucky ones I would say. People do not understand that not all birthmothers are 15 years old. I know for a fact that our dd's birthmother, if things were different, would have been a great mother to our daughter. She made the most selfless decision I can think of. I think about her often and pray she is doing well. Other comments I would receive were: Oh you are so lucky you did not have to go through the pregnancy stage or labor. Last time I checked you could choose to get pregnant or not.

[cbpwife]

I did receive the comment on how "lucky" she is, no we are the lucky ones I would say.

That's the one that always gets my mother - she swears my son coming home saved my father's life. He was in ICU and in very bad shape when we got out of PGN, but my mother is convinced that my dad refused to die because he wanted to see his newest grandbaby (his 6th grandchild, 4th grandson). They have the sweetest relationship! Mom is quick to tell people what a blessing our adoption has been to the entire family.

I did have someone ask me last month if I dyed my son's hair. I think she just couldn't find a way to ask why my girls have light brown hair and my son jet black hair. Who knows.

We also had a couple tell us they knew our son was adopted from across the park because we were carring him in a sling.

[snugs1974]

I just got this one today- "You take in stray children; I take in stray cats" I was SO taken aback, I couldn't even respond. This is from our HOA president who is creeeeepy. WHA?? Apparently the look on my face clued him in, and he quickly apologized (and touched my arm, ick). I guess that's my first official "comment".

I wish I could be one of those people who come up with a good response AT THE TIME a comment is made. I'm a 45-minute later responder But you handled yourself well today, it sounded like.

[PaulaSmiles]

Most of the people who know we are adopting are very supportive and wonderful.

However, we've heard our share of inappropriate remarks:

from one of the other teachers at our school....
"If he gets too old will you get to pick a different, younger baby?"

from someone we met while showing off pictures of Nicholas while playing Bingo with family... "He's from Guatemala? Why? You couldn't get one from the U.S.?"


from someone we met while visiting family out of state... "He's still in Guatemala? So then technically you don't really own him yet, right?"

Grrrr......