[cantwait2bmommy]

Warning: Major Pity Party Ahead....

Like many of you, our adoption journey began when our infertility journey ended. There were times during our infertility struggles that I though this is just not meant to be. It’s a sign I am not meant to be a mom. We are meant to travel, be carefree and enjoy a child-free life. I never really bought it, but out of my pain, I really tried to. I really wanted to just forget it, move on and start living again. Dh never wavered once or even pretended to. From day one, he has said we WILL have a family. He is my rock. He is my faith and my hope when I have none.

So finally after over three years of trying to get pregnant, we decide to begin the adoption process. When I decide to do something, I do it 110%. I researched, I debated, I decided, I paperchased, I waited and then I waited some more. On February 9th we saw our son’s face for the first time and I was convinced that everything happens for a reason and it all brought me to this place and to my son. From the moment I saw his face, I felt it was meant to be.

Two weeks before we were due to visit we were told our dna was done. Our foster mother said it had not been done and it was scheduled for a later date, agency insisted it was already in the bag. We didn’t care either way. We were visiting for Mother’s Day regardless.

The instant my son came around the corner with his Foster Mother and I saw his face, live and in person, for the first time, my heart sang “That is him. That is my son.” I felt it in every cell of my being. I knew all my heartache brought me here, to my son and I celebrated my very first Mother’s Day.

Later in the week we learned from our foster mother that she and my son went to the lab for dna and after waiting for quite some time, our birth mother called to cancel. She has not been heard from since. That was May 7th. Our attorney has been searching to no avail.

Friday we were told our attorney will search for another month and then will pursue abandonment. We were asked if we wanted to continue with “this child” or begin again with another referral. I told them right there on the phone that I did not even need to check with dh, that this is our son and that we will do whatever it takes to bring him home. I told the agency we want to minimize the trauma to my son as much as possible and we want to start a second adoption while we wait for our son to come home.

Now that I have had a week to think and lick my wounds, I am wondering if I should just take the hint already. I am truly beginning to believe that I may very well put too much of my heart into totally unrealistic, unattainable dreams. There has been sign, after sign, after sign that I am not meant to be a mom. I am scared to death of what comes next. I am tired already. I am beaten up. I have had enough. It could take years to get “my son” home or he could grow up in an orphanage. I just don’t know if I have this fight in me.

Alright, pity party over. Thanks for letting me vent.
Chris

[beachdreams]

I don't think this is a sign that he is not meant to be yours. I do not always understand why some people have a much harder process while others seem to breeze through. The one thing I do know is that the path we take to bring children into our lives is very different for each family and regardless of how painful or long the path is, they always make it home.

That being said, you have to make the decision that is right for you. Hugs

[Tiggysgirl]

It's hard and it definitely isn't for the faint of heart. But, I have a feeling, without knowing you, that you can do it.

I know where you're coming from. I STILL am wondering if this is real or if something will happen to take my son away from me and we are getting ready to leave in 5 days to pick him up. I went through MANY years of IF treatment; everything from charting to IVF. That was all with my ex, but it was about 4 years worth.

With my husband now, I told him time and time again that he may never have children and wanted him to be sure about that before we got married. Then, this blessing basically dropped in our lap (the means to adopt) and off we went. We lost our first referral and there was a moment that I thought ... see, I'm not supposed to have this. But, I was wrong.

Just because women like you and I can't have biological kids, doesn't mean we aren't supposed to be moms. I think it is wonderful that you are going to continue your son's adoption. It is what I would do. I would fight until there was nothing left to keep my son if something happened ... HE is mine and it sounds like you have the same feelings for yours. Don't give up. Don't give in. You WILL do this. You feel like you can't, but you can.

And, when you bring him home you will KNOW that beyond a shadow of a doubt this was always meant to be.

[guatemommy]

I think that a lot of us felt that questioning of "maybe I can't have kids for a reason." I know I did. As a result, I became very materialistic and job-focused, and found other things to try and fill the void of not getting pregnant. This only made things worse. If your heart tells you that you want to be a parent, but your body isn't cooperating, then phooey!

When we made the decision to pursue adoption, we knew it wouldn't be an easy route. For us though, it was the best decision. Even through the antagonizing waiting period, we were convinced that this new path was "meant to be" for our new son and for us. Now that he's home we couldn't imagine being without him.

I hope that your journey brings you fulfillment and that your attorney fights the good fight for your son. So many people on this board have been waiting for so long that I really admire their perseverance! That includes you!

[tribonnamer]

I have been reading this forum for about a year, but didn't register until today -- just so I could respond to your post.

I believe that if the opportunity is presented to us and if we search our hearts and decide to proceed, then we also have the strength to follow through -- even though there will be times when we doubt, question, stress, etc.

Has it occured to you that yes, this child is meant to be yours and that the second child is also meant to be yours? Do you think that if you were not presented with a difficult path with your first referral that you would have considered accepting a second referral at this time?

In short, I do believe that everything happens for a reason and that everything that has happened before has prepared you for where you are today. We all understand many of the questions and doubts that follow us through the process. In the end, all we can do is search our hearts to make our decisions, look to others who understand for support and keep moving forward. Some day you will look back and know that you did the right thing and wonder how you could have questioned your decision -- it is in getting through it that is sometimes hard.

Best wishes.

[WJarman]

Please don't think the difficulties in this journey are a sign. Believe me, I understand the pain this process causes, just look at my timeline. I have had so many moments just like you are describing and each time something tells me to persevere. God led me to this boy, he matched us to him because he knows this specific child needed parents who had the strength and determination to see his very difficult adoption thru. Although I would have much preferred an easy case, I wear my difficult case like a badge of honor. This child is so special and deserves a loving family just as much as a child with an easy case. You can do this. It will be long and hard, you know that. But the rewards are so worth it. Hang in there!!!!

[BCSTRACK]

I don't think at all that this is a sign that you're not meant to be a parent. Adoption is just very hard. With our 1st adoption (domestic) we had been matched with a birthmom first went to Doctor's appt's. etc...... things were not adding up
for different reasons and we chose to back out. Very sad....... another couple adopted this baby girl and a month later she died. I was devastated for this family! That could have been us. Anyway, we adopted our son Vincent that is a minnie me of his dad and he was totally meant to be ours. All I can say is go with your heart and I know the child that is meant to be yours will be. I will pray for you that this case will get resolved quickly and he will be home with you soon! Please try to hang in there.

B.

[drmalcolm]

"There has been sign, after sign, after sign that I am not meant to be a mom."

Only you know how much you can handle with this specific situation. But from reading your post, I got a lump in my throat when I read your reaction to the child you believe is your son.

For me, as a stranger, I took your explanation to be a sign, as well... but the sign I saw was that you sound like the kind of mother I'd want to have.

I wish you the best, and--most of all--peace in your decision.

[Daisy1008]

I can totally relate to your feelings. We too are waiting on DNA. My DH & I have discussed 'what if it doesn't match" & we came to the same realization as you. We would accept another referral but we would definitley pursue the child we our already considering our daughter in our hearts. We are totally committed to her. Our plan is to have one child but if this were to happen we would take it as God's sign that we are meant to have two.
As far as the signs saying you shouldn't be a mom, that is not how you should read it. The signs are saying that you are meant to be a mom but because of your strength you are meant for something a little harder than the conventional way. Try to take pride in this very brave decision to adopt. You are stronger than most & God knows that & he doesn't give us more than we can handle.

Take Care & Hang in There!!

[krafmatic]

I won't get into my experiences here, but here are my thoughts...I have a feeling that they apply to you as well:

-We are SO much stronger than we give ourselves credit for

-We begin to realize our strength when we are pushed against a wall (figuratively speaking)

-Some of us are given more hurdles than others becuase we CAN handle it (not always with a lot of grace )

-While it would be nice to not have hurdles, I do find pride in the fact that I have made it through so much.

-I know in my heart that any tough times in my life were preparation for this

_I KNOW deep down that I can handle whatever is handed out to me (doesn't mean I have to like it though and certainly doesn't mean it is going to be all kicks and giggles )

Go with what your heart leads you. It could be that this is YOUR child because so many others would throw in the towel when the going gets tough.

[arthymom]

As a teacher, I know that the most caring and concerned and yes, sometimes anxious parents who are full of doubts and also LOVE make the best parents.

Many times over the last year and a half I have wondered about this process, and have been FULL of doubts. (Still am). The bumps along my process have helped me slow down, read up on attachment (something I admittedly would not have done if she had come home before my last PGN kickout), and REALLY consider my new life.

JMO the bumps on the journey make you want this so much more that when it finally happens you WILL be prepared for it.

Best,

[lyssie]

You can do it!!!! It is agonizing pain all of this waiting...all of the things that are out of our hands! The incredible thing is that you just being there ready to adopt your children already gives tham a better life! There are people willing to provide for them even through the LONG grueling process! There is promise of a life with a moom who loves them AND because of that the attorney is making sure they are taken care of...(sad to think of the children who do not have this)

Your appreciation for these children will be deeper and stronger because of these long, drawn out proceedings. (it is a tough truth that there is opposition in all things...we have to know the bitter to recognize the sweet, ect...)

[Mindybeth6]

After reading through your post, one thing became obvious...that you CAN do this because you ARE meant to be a mother. The journeyhood to motherhood has not been easy for all of us. We are all adopting for one reason or another but a lot of us have dealt with infertility. In a lot of ways you jump of the infertility roller-coaster and then hop on the IA roller coaster without giving yourself time to recoup from the FIRST journey. Therefore I think when we start to get weary in IA we feel like maybe this wasn't all meant to be afterall...I mean....most of are still licking those infertility failure wounds...we don't have the best self-esteem going into this...so when we hit snags we thing...GO FIGURE...can't anything go my way?? But I DON'T think that this is a sign you are not meant to be a mother. Is it unfortunate??? YES! But it just means you were matched with your son because YOU would do what it takes to FIGHT for him. Because someone has to...and it is obvious that you are the right person to do it. I know you can find the strength from within to do this...to make it through...and yes, it will NOT be an easy journey by any means...but just remember that sweet boy that you held and loved...and know that you are his mommy and you are fighting and doing your best to bring him home.
Hugs

[jbpollock]

As I read your post it made me feel so sad that you feel in some way you are not to be a Mom. I want you to step back and think of the monsters that have children ... the ones who abuse, molest and do other horrific things to their own children. Do you honestly feel God thought they would be great parents so he gave them children but not you?? If God had the option don't you believe he would lift all the children who are with families who do not want them and put them with all of us who do? Unfortunately it can't be that simple and sometimes the things we want most are the things we work so hard to get. I understand how you feel about the length of time this adoption may take but instead of thinking of that, think about how you will feel if you do not complete the adoption. That decision is for you and your DH to make together. But please do not feel in any way this is a sign that you are not to be a parent as I can tell by your compassion and the way you are pondering this very thought that any child would be blessed to have you as a Mother. Remember, there are no unwanted children in this world, they just aren't with the right people yet. This little boy is a child without a Mommy and you are a Mommy without a child .... trust in the fact that maybe God brought you together for a reason.
God bless you all in whatever decision you make.

[GuatMommy2Be]

sigh.

yes.

every week.

I have been kicked out of PGN for 5 months. There have been two times that come to mind (once at 12 wks, and once at I think 17 wks) where I just threw my hands up in the air, cried- harder.then.ever about this mess and told my husband I am done. My friend said to me "Ashley, even when you say you are done, there is still a little bit of hope left in your heart..." and she is right.

Sometimes I wonder if I am being stupid for sticking this out. What kind of idiot am I for sticking this out? Is this a joke? Sometimes I just sit and think - Good LORD is this my life?? Is this really happening? It wasn't supposed to be this way. This entire process, everything that has been done TO us, has made my husband never want to consider adoption- EVER AGAIN.

I just want you to know, I understand the despair you feel. When I feel that way (wks 12 and 17) I feel like I can not possibly go on.. but.. then I calm down.. and at that moment, I feel the strength to keep on going. I have FIGHT inside my heart for this child, she deserves that much. I WILL exhaust EVERY.LAST.AVENUE to get her home. I have AMAZING resources...

Please feel free to message me anytime... you will need a good support system.

Ashley