[Mandy4President]

I am still struggling with Addisyn and her attachment. Just me, of course, doesn't seem to affect anyone else in the family. When I posted originally, I got a lot of great ideas of what to do, but many of them are unrealistic because I have three other children to take care of and I'm not willing to completely ignore them or expect them to understand why I need to spend more time with their sister than them (they are 8 and under).

So I don't want to know IF you had attachment problems, I am going to assume that you did if you answer this poll. Also, have you been with/had your child home for more than 2 months? Then answer this poll. Finally, was this your first child? Second child? Third child? Fourth child? Beyond? I'm wondering if there seems to be a correlation between birth order and attachment. Like maybe the less time that you have to spend with that child the more likely they are to have difficulty attaching?

Okay, so you think I'm reaching, right? So humor me.

(you can vote more than once if you have more than one child with attachment stuff)

[KKR213]

Sorry you are having attachment issues and bumping up for you.

[wvamom]

Oops! Sorry--we have only had Bryan home for about six weeks. And our attachment issues seem to be improving.

By the way, many congrats on your weight loss! Good for you--I need to be there, too!

Carolyn

[jules17]

I am a moron who just voted "my first baby ever" and THEN read to answer IF we had attachment problems. We did not have any. Is there any way to cancel my vote?

Sorry - I hope you get the help you are looking for. You are turning into a true grad student - tests, measure, research (repeat a million times)...

[annaguat]

Well more then 4 but I would call us a clan not a herd.

For us the attachment issues were associated with age and personality more then what number the of children were in my family. Another large family we know would say the same. Also with my older adopted children no.3 and no. 5 their previous experience came into play as they had lived with a variety of care givers before they came home. The orphanage director told me they were originally in a neglect setting. Especially my DS now 17 had to learn to take care of himself very early and was the "parent" to his 2 yrs younger sibling.

My two older adoptive Guatemalan children had and still have some of attachment issues more intensive then my younger babies, almost 7 months, when adopted.

We also adopted a 4 months old DD no. 7 and 2 day old DS no.9 Pacific Island children and they had no attachment issues. They also lived with their bio family until time of adoption.

I think my Guatemalan adopted babies no.10 and no. 11 were not used to being held not even for feeding and they had to get used to that. I feel one still strugles but it could also partially be her personality.

I am sorry to hear your little one is strugling. It took 2 yrs for us to have some kind of major break through with our little one adopted at three yrs old. Try not to internalize and think it is something you are doing or not doing. This takes often a long time and part of it for me was accepting it in my older children.

Anna

[Niclayson]

Mandy,

While the ways to promote attachment in kids with attachment disorder are unrealisitic...I mean who has the time to carry a kid hours everyday????...the reality is the techniques really do work for lots of kids.

Although my kids were older (12 and 14) when Trey came home, they were NOT understanding about Mom spending less time with them...and honestly I've found parenting teens to be more demanding than little ones in many ways. I literally found myself making the choice to put Trey "first" for awhile. This had some interesting consequences...

It took almost a year for things to settle in with him. During that year, my daughters began to act out and my marriage was strained. I finally began having "family meetings" to let everyone express their emotions. Things are FINALLY working out but I can't say it wasn't ugly.

I do not think attachment disorder is related to birth order. I think it comes from personality and the number and types of placements the child had BEFORE they got to your home. Attachment disorder is NOT something caused by you!!!!! Remember...even if your daughter was in only one great foster home...you are still her third placement....birthmom to FM to you. Some kids just can't do this well.

The fact that you are the only one "feeling" the attachment problem is typical of this issue. If there is anything I can do to help...just ask. Many hugs...it can be a long haul.

[redru2004]

Mandy, I'm so sorry you're still struggling with attachment issues. I think that you could have nothing else to do in your life and just deal with attachment issues and still fall into bed at the end of the day exhausted, frustrated and feeling like is it ever going to get better, what am I doing wrong? Lucas is our first and only child and I do stay home with him, but it's tough, actually it's the hardest thing I've ever gone through. DH see's the issues, he experiences some of the same one's I do, just not to the degree I do and certainly not all day, every day. I honestly can't imagine doing this and having other kids to think about too..I swear at the end of some days I don't even know my own name. Things are gradually getting better, but we still have a long way to go. I cracked a rib last week (call me Grace) so I can't wear Lucas like I used to but I do co bathe with him and I do play lots of interactive games with him, and every few moments I'll tell him to look at Mommy. If he doesn't we'll stop until he does then I'll smile, tell him I love him and we'll resume playing. I also took someone else advice and invested in some stickers to put on my nose and have him pull off, it does promote eye contact and Lucas think's it's quite funny. At the same time thoughLucas does not like to be on the floor by himself, or play by himself and he's started to cry everytime I walk away from him or out of the room unless DH is there. We're lucky because our kitchen, dining area and living room are essetially all one big room, so if I do leave him on the floor to play and he starts crying, I'll call his name and when he looks at me I'll say "Momma is right here, see? Momma will always be here sweetie, it's ok to play by yourself for a bit". I'll go in every 5 mintues or so and interact with him before I finish what I was doing. Please, if you ever need to talk or vent, please feel free to PM me, it's a hard thing to go through and NO ONE understands it unless they have gone through it before.

[ranade3]

My first daughter attached so easily and she was 19 months old when she came home. I thought 2nd daughter would also attach easily since she was younger, 13.5 months old. I was wrong.

Both girls were in foster care in Liberia, both girls had wonderful caregivers. I think their personalities are just so different. My 2nd daughter had an anxious attachment to me and it was awful. I had to be carrying her in my arms or she would be screaming. I couldn't go to the bathroom or take care of any basic needs during this time without her screaming. I was the only one who could give her comfort. My mother passed on 3 months after I brought 2nd daughter home and I wasn't sure if we would make it through but we did.

After about 7 months I realized we had made a break through and things started to improve. Now 20 months after coming home I feel she is a 'normal' almost 3 year old. She still prefers Momma but she adores Daddy, Big Sissy and a few select people at church. She has gone to some church classes without me and done okay.

The difficulty you mention is how do you handle the attachment issues when you have other children. I only have the one other but it was difficult! Especially because I had never left her EVER until I flew to Liberia to get 2nd daughter. When I came back my baby had to share me with another baby! I just sat and held both girls a lot. The housework didn't get done but I held those girls. Naptime for 2nd daughter was a wonderful respite for us and gave me time for one on one with 1st daughter.

Also, 2nd daughter bonded with 1st daughter before she bonded with anyone else even though I was holding her all day long and doing everything you are supposed to do. The girls continue to be best friends with normal spats inbetween.

I wondered if 1st daughter and 2nd daughter bonded so easily because 1st daughter had no preconceived ideas of what it would be like to have a new addition to our family. And I was expecting it to go like it did with 1st daughter.

Hope this helps to hear a success story.

[Mandy4President]

Thanks everyone. It is VERY frusterating on sooooo many levels. Not only do I have other children (like many of us) but I also work. Some people say that's part of the problem with me and the attachment, but I am working to pay off bills from her adoption. I CANNOT stop without declaring bankruptsy. I do believe that some of it is her personality. I have never in my life seen a baby so determined and stubborn before. Its amazing. And although I try to keep in mind that its not my fault, I could just lose it when she runs to my MIL (who fought me for months about not wanting the adoption and now still doesn't treat her as an equal) and will jump in her arms and she won't even look me in the eyes when I am with her. I guess that's maybe more of my pride taking a hit.

I will try the sticker thing, I remember hearing that, its a good idea.

Thanks for letting me vent! I'm ready to throw my OWN meltdown.

Oh, and BTW, clan IS a better word. Just couldn't think so early in the morning.

[Niclayson]

Mandy,

I read your second post and wanted to point something out (which you may already know but it helps to hear it from someone else too)....your child runs to your MIL only because she is NOT attached to her!!!! Kids with attachment disorders are afraid to get close and as you make strides...she will begin to feel closer to you and when that happens she panics! She thinks "I can't let Mommy get too close because she'll just leave me like the others did." So she pushes you away with behavior. Being overly affectionate with people who are not primary caregivers is typical of attachment disorder. So do NOT let it get your ego...it should do the exact opposite. When she pushes you away but runs to MIL...know that you and your daughter are actually making progress. (but I know it can feel like knives to the heart!!!)

Also, don't beat yourself up about the working thing but do spend all the time you do have available with her. I was able to be home for 5 months (although financially it was awful) with Trey but I had to return to work part-time and school full-time (PhD). Why? Well, because my 15 year old will be in college shortly and I will need a good-paying job. A recent significant back injury took me out of clinical nursing and into nursing education...its partly choice but mostly financial necessity for ALL my kids that I complete this degree as quickly as possible and get back to full-time employment.

The reality though is because you aren't home...you'll have to be extra diligent with working on her attachment. Your other kids will inevitably get less attention...but in the long run...a kid with attachment issues will impact your other kids negatively...so better to pay now then pay later so to speak.

I let my house go completely for awhile and just did my best for the kids. Try to take really good care of yourself so you have the energy to care for others. We Moms tend to give and give and give...juggling work and school and family...and we forget ourselves.

You can always PM me if you need to vent. I've had many, many, many breakdowns in the last year. It DOES get better.

Hugs,
Natalie

[shellysarita]

Isabel has come so far in attachment in the last several months and just in the last week, I've seen signs of family shopping when we are watching my 14 yo's baseball games. Aaargh! I'm so sad that we are still dealing with this stuff..........

Love, Shelly

[wvamom]

Mandy,
Now I have a technical issue about the poll--do we have any idea of the percentage of people who have one, two, three, etc. children? By this I mean to say, so far 30% have responded that they have more than four children. Does that match the demographics of adoptive parents? 17% have indicated this is their first child. Does that match the average? I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not sure how we can correlate attachment disorder with number of children at home, if we don't know the average number of children at home. KWIM?

Thanks for starting this thread! I'm praying for you!
Carolyn

[annaguat]

I wonder too if larger families are often the ones that adopt older children. It seems like that from personal experience but I am not sure in reality.

Also larger families probably have more then one child by adoption so if you have 4 children by adoption you would have a higher chance of haing a child with attachment issues just by sheer numbers.

Like from 6 of my adoptive children 3 are dealing with attachment issues. Two of those were slightly oldern when adopted and one was 1 day short of turning 7 months old when she came home.

Like some one mentioned you can feel you came a long way and think your child is "over" it then there is your 21 month old mommy shopping and preferring your adult friend, she doesn't know, while clawing away at you. I had this last night and it was painful to see her cooing, smiling and hugging in my friends arms while clawing at me.

As for my little one that was three when she came home, she is now an affectionate 16 yr old and I get plenty of love and hugs from her. It often seemed like nothing was changing but it just took such a long time it was hard to see day to day changes. I need to look back over the years. This doesn't mean there are not still residual issues. There definitely are and also for my now 17 yr old son who came home at 5 1/2 yrs old. In many ways it is part of who they are. I am not sure if that makes sense.

Anna

Originally Posted by wvamom

Mandy,
Now I have a technical issue about the poll--do we have any idea of the percentage of people who have one, two, three, etc. children? By this I mean to say, so far 30% have responded that they have more than four children. Does that match the demographics of adoptive parents? 17% have indicated this is their first child. Does that match the average? I guess what I'm getting at is that I'm not sure how we can correlate attachment disorder with number of children at home, if we don't know the average number of children at home. KWIM?

Thanks for starting this thread! I'm praying for you!
Carolyn

[angelkisses0102]

wvamom~
Attachment will really always be dependent upon the child, their history, biology, number of placements, how they are parented once home, prenatal history, personality, abuse, neglect, illness or hospitalization, etc.

However, I will bet that overcoming attachment issues and attachment disorder will be impacted by the number of children in the family. Healing our kids takes momentous amounts of time...it is truly a 24/7 job and with other children in the home...it does make the healing harder and a longer process. To heal my son, my daughter was basically neglected for 30 months. I don't mean neglected neglected but she got very little of my time. But it was necessary to heal my son. If he had had a serious medical issue, it would have been the same thing...or a serious special need. Some kids simply NEED their mommies more.

In the long run, while I still do feel guilty about the 30 months it took to heal my son...I know it was the right thing for both my children. Our home life is now *normal* something it could NEVER have been with an unattached or anxiously attached child. I know my daughter would have suffered much worse had we not addressed his issues but like I said, the guilt will always be there for me. Even though I know I did the right thing. Make sense?

My thoughts on this anyway. Oh and I often wonder if DD would not have transitioned so easily if she hadn't been our first.

[mommytoEli]

granted my dd is older, 12.5 now and we've had her for 4.5 years. we are just now starting to make progress on her attachment, and not only did i have to quit teaching, i also had to homeschool her. basically, she really does have to be with me ALL DAY LONG. at first it was almost a burden. especially b/c we have attachment issues, i didn't WANT to be around her that much. it was draining, and she has tons of behavioral and mental issues. she drove me crazy. well, we've only been at the "all dd all the time" about a month and a half now, and she is a completely different person. she actually looks at my face when i speak to her, she hugs me...akwardly....but it is a start. her behavioral issues are almost non-existant, and her mental issues, with the help of meds too....are under control. i KNOW that it extremely difficult to cut out that time for one kid...i have 3 others, and to figure out how to do it and work....but i promise you if you can figure it out, it will make a difference. i can not tell you HOW long i said about dd, "i refuse to put my life on hold for her." b/c i was adamant that i would not sacrafice my time with the other kids, my job, what i wanted to do, in order to help this little defiant kid who didn't even like me. i was mad at her, almost resenting her b/c things were SO bad. each step along the way in the last 4.5 years i would do a few suggested things to help her, but never everything, b/c i just couldn't bring myself to sacrafice so much for her when what I was doing already wasn't working. i was NEVER like a mom to her, ever. she never let me be, and the more she pushed me away, the more i gladly stepped back. i have realized in the last 6 weeks, how the way she needs me, is not really her fault. and that it actually gives me great joy to watch her be such a happy different person. I, now, gladly sacrafice all my time so that I can be with her. It is not always easy, but it is worth it. I don't know if it will be forever, but if I have to do this until she is an adult, and that means she will grow up to be "well adjusted" than I will. On one hand, I know I have less alone time with my boys, but in the long run, my family is SOOOOO much better off with "new and improved" dd, that I know it is a benefit for EVERYONE that she gets so much attention. Our family was falling apart before this. I realized that if i didn't try to spend this time with her, pull her out of school, be with her all the time, that not only would I "lose" dd(boarding school, residential treatment facility, run away....) , but I would emotionally lose everyone. We were quickly becoming a family where no one wanted to be with anyone b/c everyone was on edge. It is amazing to me how something so simple (yet sacraficial..don't get me wrong) has made such a big BIG difference.

I think some people will read what I have said, and think I am a horribly mean mom. But I just want to say that raising a child with an attachment disorder is the hardest thing I have ever done. It has changed me in ways I didn't want to be changed. It has made me feel and say things I am not proud of. I can not believe that I allowed one CHILD to get to me as much as she has, BUT BUT BUT I am thankful that I can now see the light at the end of the tunnel, and mostly, for the first time EVER, I can see dd headed down the path of "normalcy." ANd really...at the end of the day, that is all I can ask for. I hope and pray that we will be able to attach to eachother, so that when she goes off into the world on her own, she will know how to make normal healthy relationships with other people. I know this is just hte beginning for us....we have a long way to go. But I know in my heart that this is the first thing that we have done (all dd all the time) that is actually going to make a difference. Just my story.

I KNOW it is difficult to parent a child who does not even seem to like you, much less care if you are even in the room. The only advice I have to offer is that if there was a way for you to not work, or work differently, from home, in a place she could come with you, at a daycare where she also attended.....I would do that.

It is going to take time Mandy....lots of time. Spend as much of it as you can with her...and just know you did nothing wrong and you are not alone. Hang in there.