[aartcreations]

I have such a difficult time writing this. It breaks my heart, but I feel like I need some help. My son has been home since Dec. and up until this past few weeks was doing great or so I thought. But now I'm so worried and don't know what to do. I have noticed that he avoids eye contact when being held. He will do everything he can to turn his head away from us. And when my DH and I hold him he doesn't hold us back. His arms are sort of out to the sides. He gives all his stuffed animals hugs and kisses but very few for us and only after we ask him repeatedly. He is often a very quiet 13 month old which I'm not sure is normal. We can get him to laugh but it seems like I really have to work at it. I had a feeling that there were issues earlier but my husband who is so optimistic always would tell me that babies have good and bad days just like adults. We have been working on his eye contact when bottle feeding and trying to play eye games with him. Does anyone have any suggestions for us? Please help if you can. I can't believe I'm seeing some of these problems. It breaks my heart. I thought we did everything right when he first came home at 7 months. We were the only ones to care for him. We still are. Has anyone had a delayed attachment issue like this or one that they didn't see right away? I know this is long, I'm so sorry, I just don't know where to turn. We are even suppose to be visiting my folks a few hours away this weekend for two nights and I'm having second thoughts because of this issue. Should we not go? I'm not sure my family will understand this attachment stuff. Especially since he appeared attached the last time they saw him. Help!

[mommytoEli]

i'm sorry. i have attachment issues with my daughter who is older...not the same as a baby....but definitely as frustrating. it sounds like you guys are having a hard time. my take on it is if you think you are having a problem, you are having a problem. some of the things you are describing, also certainly sound like attachment issues. my little pieces of advice are to continue what you are doing, hold him when feeding him(no high chair), wear him/carry him as much as possible, have him sleep in the same room with you, and make a call to your peds. they should be able to steer you in the right direction. hang in there.....

[waiting4cristo]

Alison - I'm so sorry you're experiencing this. I don't have any good answers for you except to check with your adoption agency and see if they have a social worker to talk with. We were able to contact the SW who did our homestudy (she's with our agency) when we had questions and she indicated that she was glad we were using her as a resource, since that is what she is there for. There are games to try that help develop eye contact with your little ones, along with other things. (We lucked out and after talking with her realized this wasn't our problem, so unfortunately I don't know what the games are or I'd share them with you.)

Hang in there and don't beat yourself up - you are addressing the issue now instead of thinking it'll go away on it's own, so you're on the right road.

Take care and best of luck,
~Tricia

[mommytoEli]

attachment issues poll

i started this poll.....check in occassionally, i'm sure you will find that you are not alone.

[tybeemuffin]

I would recomend sign language. At 13 months they start getting to an age that they can communicate, but not verbalize. It also will help with eye contact. I didn't have the eye contact issue as much, but some temper around 13 months. The sign language helped a lot.

Good Luck!

[JustBarbara]

So far DS and I have not had any attachment issues but one thing I have always done since he came home is to lie on the floor with him and just gaze into his eyes - do some nose-to-nose "kisses" ... sometimes we just stare at each other and I will "walk" up his body with my fingers - starting at his toes and letting my eyes get bigger and my face more expressive as my hand moves up his back and murmuring sweet nothings to my pride and joy. He loves it and often starts giggling. Now he even gives me kisses.

Attachment issues are no-one's "fault" ... all children are different just as all parents have their own way. Please don't blame yourself ... and yes, YES, absolutely do go visit your folks ... one thing when I go visit relatives is I always make a huge deal of hugging and kissing everyone so DS sees that this is normal (at least in our family). And you know what - your folks already being long-term parents might even have some suggestions for you.

Good luck - this too shall pass - I know we "new" parents sometimes over-analyze things but to us they are very real.

I also play with his stuffed toys ... I say good morning to "bear" and in another voice the bear says "good morning, Mommy" ... then I ask the bear "where is DS" and bear searches around and cannot find him and tells me so I tell bear "he's right here, look again" after the third try bear "finds" DS and everyone (living or stuffed!) kisses everyone. Kids pick up on our vibes more than we know so I am always upbeat and positive with a sing-song in my voice even if inside I'm thinking "Thank God he just fell and didn't crack open his skull". Slight exaggeration but I think you get the idea.

I play a lot of games with DS - another is to go around my place calling out "where is DS" and saying "oh, he's not in here - DS where are you" and walking from room to room - of course I ALWAYS know where he is and his heavy breathing/laughing give him away ... but then when I do "find" him I make a big production out of it. Really. I scoop him up and say "there you are, Mommy's being looking for you" - I mention his name a lot also and he really enjoys it.

Okay - sorry to go on so.

Take care of yourself - Barbara

[angelkisses0102]

I am so sorry you are experiencing this...but know, it is not your fault...

Sounds like you and your child experienced a 'honeymoon period' and now your child showing you his fears. While some kids do not display a honeymoon period, many often will...anywhere from 3 to 18 months post adoption is common...with 6 to 12 months home being the most typical. This is part of the attachment process and if not addressed, it will without a shadow of a doubt lead to much bigger issues. You are right to acknowledge and address these issues as soon as you are seeing them. As hard aas it seems right now, he can and will get better.

During the honeymoon period the child sees you as just another caregiver, with no danger of him being hurt by you as he has been hurt at least twice before...by his first mom and then his foster mom. But once he realizes that you are staying...and he could be hurt by you (yet again) he starts to retract into himself and tries to push you away...sort of a way to control the situation and the ability to get hurt yet again. The child figures they are not worthy of your love, so they may as well push you away right now.

Read up on attachment in adopted infants as well as brain development in adopted infants. As always, one of the best basic sites on attachment is www.a4everfamily.org. The site is directed (mainly) at parents of fostered, internationally adopted infants. Their books section has many great books. Attaching in Adoption is a great place to start. Also, read up on attachment parenting and the book Holding Time was a great tool for us. Finally, you should have an evaluation done by a qualifed attachment therapist...or an international adoption clinic/doctor who is trained in attachment in adopted infants. Regular doctors and therapists will not have the required knowledge and may actual further damage the attachment process.


At home I have a ton of links and articles I can send you if interested...

I absolutely would not get out of his routinue right now and I would keep his world very, very small with only you doing everything...holding, feeding, changing, comforting, bathing...etc. Oh, and sling/carry him constantly...

Good luck and hang in there...it will get better with some hard work.

[aartcreations]

thank you, thank you, thank you everyone for responding. I am in tears here. I love him so much and just want him to be happy. I'll call my ped. who has two adopted children herself. I'll keep everyone updated. thank you again.

[Forever_family]

We are foster/adopt parents. Our soon to be adopted son has attachment issues. We are new at this he has only been with us for a few months. He had a 2 week honeymoon and then at week 2 I knew there were signs of attachment issues. It is not until the last few weeks that I feel he is becoming more and more attached, even then I know things can go back and that we may experience more behaviors before he attaches. I'm sure you know a lot of this but here is what has worked for us/some of it recommended some of it instinct-take with a grain of salt and my advice is to know what works/doesn't work for you and your child. If your energy is negative I feel they pick up on it, just my opinion-so if you don't like doing something say like taking a bath with baby (not for me) then they will pick up on it.

Peek-a-boo, with everything (blankets, stuffed animals, around corners, to cover your face, in the car, etc) all day long. He loves this and he makes good eye contact during this fun game.

Silly faces/noises with my mouth-when he makes eye contact. He loves this.

Finding eyes/ears/mouth/nose: He LOVES this and initiates it all of the time NOW-however at first he didn't know about all the eye contact that went along with this game.

Food kisses: food in your lips-they kiss you get food, very slobbery and gross but hey it works.

Action songs: I don't know the correct name for them things like Pat-a-cake, twinkle twinkle. Some I know the hand gestures to some I just make up. Sometimes I do this while singing-he loves it: his eyes on my eyes are the "play" button when he looks away it is the "stop" button-only sing when looking at me. He absolutely LOVES this. He initiates singing now-but again at first it was slow going.

Lotion massage: At first I thought I should win some kind of olympic gold medal for getting him lotioned up. He has some exzema (sp?) so I had to put lotion on him or honestly I may have stopped. He wiggled and wiggled and I thought I got more lotion on myself then on him. Now he seems to enjoy this, so long as he can be busy with me singing-he's still a wiggler.

Rocking: He just loves this. It only worked at first w/o distractions in the room right after finishing a bottle. He maintains good eye contact during this time and usually falls asleep. It seems to really sooth/calm him.

Stuffed animals: I totally get the stuffed animal comment. I too noticed he was being more affectionate with stuffed animals then us. I was upset. I tried to use them to help him give me affection. I don't know if this is right or wrong?? I give his bear a kiss then have his bear kiss him saying the kiss came from mom. He thinks this is really funny. He ends up kissing me so I think it works. I also have him hug his bear and then we snuggle. I show his bear a lot of affection too. I don't know why but when I do this he hugs me.

Candy-when he makes eye contact or something equally loved. I saw this on the boards and tried it. I keep stuff in my pockets, purse and diaper bag and do this periodically all day long.

Mei tai-he is a big 15 month old toddler and this is the only carrier that does not kill my back-I use this for one hour a day at least. I'm not a structured person I am more chaotic so I will sometimes use is while i am cleaning, sometimes while we are on a walk, sometimes while we are are dd's gymnastics practice etc. I just try to get at least an hour in a day. I do have to adjust the straps so they lay just off of my shoulders but I"m telling you I can carry him all day without any back pain. At first he did not know about it but now he brings me the mei tai. It calms and soothes him. I'm not sure why or how or what it does but he loves it and he usually falls asleep in it if tired.

When he throws a fit-not common but I hold him until he stops-he does not want to be held at first and has even hit me and scratched me, but not anymore. This calms him faster then anything.

What I did not like was the "holding time" I dont like forcing things and I think my negative feelings make this something that is a last resort. If he did not make any eye contact with the games I would do it. Also he did not make ANY eye contact at week 2. I was actually freaking out. I thought we had done something horribly wrong or he was going to be scarred for life or something. I calmed myself down and kept on with attachment parenting. He is often making eye contact now either when I initiate or he initiates, it seems to be coming more and more natural for him. He is also running to me when others want to talk to him in public or pick him up or whatever, he hugs my legs instead of virtually throwing himself towards any women who smiled at him. He is becoming more "clingy" which i understand is the next step in the attachment process. I wouldn't say he is like my bio dd's were at his age but he is getting there. Good luck and hope this helps.

[CashCrew]

I just read a great article on the a4everfamily website you should read. It was a review to the Taming the Tiger While It's A Kitten program by Nancy Thomas. It talks a lot about the honeymoon period and how you should do these techniques whether you see obvious attachment issues at first or not since so many children follow the same pattern as your son. You are definitely not alone and of course you didn't do anything wrong. I think it's very common for parents to assume their children are bonding fine when they come home when they go through the honeymoon period (and I'm guessing that often it gets overlooked when it shows up later on because parents assume they're hitting the "terrible twos" or just have a terrible temper). Don't beat yourself up! You are a great mommy for being close enough to him recognize it and jump on helping him so fast!

[Larue]

I am sorry you’re going through this. I agree with CashCrew. Attachment issues are a lot more common than most people realize. I am right there with you. As CashCrew said many children have a honeymoon period, and when attachment issues appear later, they’re not always recognized. Alas, I never had a honeymoon period with Sabrina. We have had sleep issues on and off, and gone through periods of Velcro baby, mommy shopping, and aggressive behavior. Though she is doing much better lately. Knock on wood!

I purchased the "Taming the Tiger While It's a Kitten" DVD by Nancy Thomas. And the book "Attaching in Adoption" by Deborah Gray. I highly recommend both. One of the things the book discusses is how attachment issues affect our self-image as parents. That we think we must somehow be deficient if our children are struggling with attachment. Actually the fact that you’re acknowledging your son's struggles, and want to do whatever it takes to help him heal speaks volumes. You are a wonderful mother!

Best wishes, and please let us know how you're doing!!!

[hophock]

Originally Posted by aartcreations

Has anyone had a delayed attachment issue like this or one that they didn't see right away?

Absolutely! My child didn't show any signs of a problem for the first 6 months home...after coming home at 6 months old. You are not alone. I've talked with many families for whom this is the case. My child is now happy & healthy, but it's been a journey...one in which we needed professional help. Feel free to pm me if you'd like.

[starryeyes]

Alison,

I'm sorry to hear you're going through this. It's a very isolating feeling. We just started having issues after 5 months home. Our son is hitting, spitting, and kicking his sisters, and avoids eye contact. There are other behaviors that I won't go into here, but just know that you're not alone. I am currently contacting someone from the adoption center and will let you know if I find any good tips.

[aartcreations]

Well, I just talk to my ped. and she agreed that it sounds like attachment issues. She has given me the names of two specialists in my area so we are going to call and take this head on. I have decided to go to my parents house for the weekend but I'm still worried about it a bit. I'm not worried about him during the day, I'm concerned about him waking up during the night. I have talked to my mom about the issues and she finally understands that I need to be the sole caregiver this weekend. It's hard to make family understand attachment stuff though. I feel like they think I'm making this stuff up. They want to down play his issues. I just keep telling myself that I know what I see and that I need to do this for him. Thanks for listening everyone.

Hophock- I'm going to pm you and starryeyes and everyone- any tips are appreciated.