[redru2004]

I really don't know where to turn at this point, we got Lucas on Weds morning and we've been struggling since. He is clearly grieving and doesn't understand what is happening and I'm trying to do all the right things but the truth is I'm extremely frustrated. I'm trying so hard to keep my feelings out of this because this isn't about me, I know Lucas is hurting but I feel like I can't do a darn thing right for him. He cry's...A LOT! He goes from laughing to crying in 2 seconds flat. He goes from letting me comfort him to litteraly pushing me away, he bites me, head butts me, and now he hits me too. Yet when It's nap time he wants me to rock him to sleep. When he pushes me away I stay put trying to let him know that he can't get rid of me, yet I struggle with so much frustration. Thankfully my DH is wonderful but once we're home it's just me and Lucas all day long, I don't know how to do this, I don't know how to make this better for him and I feel like I'm failing miserably. Please, anyone whose gone through this I'd appreciate some advice!

[myguatbabes]

Poor little guy!!! I had issues with my oldest dd when we first got her forever at 10 1/2 months old. I knew I was staying to foster her, so there was no choice but to figure out what to do. I ended up giving in and when she pushed me away I would put her down. When she tried to hit, I would hold her hand and say, "no hitting mama." Which invoked pushing me away and I would put her down. Same thing with the biting. Then the foster family came to visit and she did the same thing to them. I would hold her hand and tell her "no hitting/biting" and THE FOSTER MOM and SISTER would cry!!! I kept it consistent though and after a few days, she began to settle down and when I would put her down she would reach out for me to pick her up. Then, finally she would cry whenever the foster family would try to visit, so I had to ask them not to come!! (They did anyway, which is a whole other story), but my point is, he will come around. Just follow your instincts and let him have control for a little while. If he wants you to hold him, do, if not, don't. But, at the same time set some boundaries so he knows what is acceptable and what is not. (I am not at all sure our dd was not permitted to behave the way she did all the time she was with the fmom.) Anyway, that is my 2 cents, for what it is worth!

Good luck and many blessings.

[linda512]

I don't have any great advice, but just wanted to say I feel for you. My son grieved but only at night, really, and turned around pretty fast. It must be so hard, but it sounds like you are doing the right things. Hang in there, it will get better.
The only good thing about this is that it means that he did bond to his foster family and can form attachments.
Good luck!

[Mom2to]

I really have nothing to add to the previous reply except to second what was said. Also, please know that this will pass. It is not the same at all but when my daughter was born early and had tons of sleep problems part of what freaked me out was that I wouldn't be able to handle it in the future. When I adopted a "one day at a time" attitude and trusted that someday in the future things would be different this allowed me to feel a bit less upset "in the moment." I think the advice that if he does push you away to let him make that choice but to stay close so he knows that even if he needs to push you away you aren't going very far makes sense. I was also wondering if you had anything not yet washed from the foster family because maybe you could hold him while he snuggled with the familiar smelling object?? I only mention this because one of my friends said this helped her little girl at pick up.

I know that when we go for our pick up with our over 10 month baby I will be posting for your advice!! Best Wishes and hang in there.

[stephjoel99]

We picked up Amelia 2 months ago and that sounds exactly like her (minus the laughing). I have no real advice, other than to say it gets better. Tiny, itty, bitty baby steps forward (and a few back too). He just needs to learn to trust you which takes time.

In the meantime, take good care of yourself - tag team with your husband as much as schedules allow to give yourself the breaks you need mentally to deal with this. All the attachment articles I read mostly dealt with the child's feelings (which of course they should) but I wasn't prepared for how frustrating and scary it can be for the parents too.

The good news is that the really deep, dark, yucky stuff only lasted a few weeks for our baby (she was 11 months old at pick up). Two months later she's a totally different kid (still has a ways to go but MUCH better).

((((((((HUGS)))))))) Stephanie

Oh forgot to add - the biting/headbutting/slapping - you have to nip that however it works best for him, i.e grabbing his hand and gently but FIRMLY saying "No. No bite." or "No. No hit." Whatever it is - b/c that is a behavior that takes on it's own life unrelated to grieving if it becomes a habit.

[shellysarita]

We had big struggles with Isabel (hiting, biting, refusing to look at me, screaming, kicking, etc.). I did "holdings" which she fought initially. Sometimes I swaddled her as she seemed to fight being held a bit less. The deal was - she was stuck in my arms until she could look me in the eyes and be happy. I would sing to her and stroke her face and run my fingers through her hair and tell her I loved her and that she was safe.

We also played a lot of games in which the fun part was the eye contact like peekaboo (we took turns hiding) and blinking repeatedly at her (she would imitate). I wore her in a sling and now use the Ergocarrier on bad days or as a preventative when I sense she is needing the extra closeness. We co-bathed - again initally she screamed, but now she loves it.
Check out this website for great info and ideas: http://a4everfamily.org/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=95&Itemi d=75
I also suggest these books:
Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best

I feel for you! I struggled with PAD (post adoptive depression). After all the stresses of the process, I didn't have much left to cope with all the feelings of rejection that were stirred by Isabel's behavior.

I'm praying for you and Lucas....

Love, Shelly

[maham0]

I feel for you. This can be so hard. Our son had a tough transition with me and since my husband did the pick up trip, he clearly had bonded with DH and would light up and be totally comforted by DH, but when I was home with him all day, it was a different story. He would be happy then cry for 1 1/2 hours at a time and he also seemed to be pushing me away. It was very frustrating because I wanted everything to be perfect and I just knew I must be doing something wrong...(and this is my 3rd child). But he was just sad and the worst of it only lasted for 1 week then things got better and better. But believe me, it was a very tough week! Hang in there...it will pass.

[csw]

You are not failing..you are a wonderful caring mother.
Practice attachment parenting, as you are doing..
Carry him in a sling for hours a day (I carried Ana 4-6 hours a day)..Cobath..skin to skin contact..
Get a book at the library on Therapeutic Infant Massage techniques..start with 10 min a day and work up to 15 min 4 times a day..
Co sleeping helps also..
Always hold his bottle even if he can hold it himself..

It will take time..

[maak]

I know this is tough and yes you feel like you are not doing a good enough job: but you are!!! I have been there and still some days feel that way but You are his mother now and he is so lucky to have a family (as you are lucky to have a son!) Just you caring enough to want to do your best and being there for him during this time is so MUCH.
This transition has only been a few days and should slowly get better.
I found music really helped my dd. I got the spanish children songs CD by Twin Sisters called
Carciones Divertidas which really helped to calm her. I would hold her and dance. She stopped wanting the music after a couple of months but we just started playing it again as she regressed doing a rough teething bout.
Also agree check out 4ever family web site for good attachment parenting tips.

[PackGirl]

K had a very difficult transistion to us. I tried keeping him in a sling and holding him but I realized that it was way too much for him. I had to let him have some alone time. So we did. We let him go into his crib and lie there and allow him to calm down. Then I would pick him back up and interact with him...however I began to tell when it was too much for him and we would let him go back in the crib or we would push him in the stroller.

I really wanted to hold him, but felt I was pushing myself on him. It really helped to begin to calm him down a little. He began to eat little bites of food and such.

Feeding him also helped us. We had cheerios with us (he liked fruit loops too) and we would play games with them and feed him. It seemed to break the ice and it was something that he liked to eat. The only other thing he ate all week was french fries. So, we gave him fries. He was going through such a huge change with just us...that we felt that as long as he would eat something it would be ok no matter what it was.

It is ok to be sad. It still breaks my heart to hear my little guy cry....but know that this is what happends. It has got to happen. When K does cry though...I tell them that I know he is hurting and I'm sorry. I tell him it is ok to feel like this. I dont know if he truly understands...but I hope he does understand that it is normal and acceptable.

Hang in there. It does get better.

[amyfk]

Even if a child was in a foster family versus an orphanage, a child can grieve for a caretaker he has spent the first months of his life with.
I wish I could help you. I would put a call into your adoption agency and see what they recommend. I have to believe youre not the first family dealing with something like this. If you go on the Russian adoption board there is a poster named Angelkisses(Karen) who is pretty knowledgeable about attachment issues. Perhaps if you need it down the line, she can give you references to an attachment therapist in your area. Take it day by day and take care of yourself!
Amy K, NJ

[gnattylove]

I know exactly how you feel. Maggie wanted nothing to do with me for four days but I was persistent and held her anyway. It was hard to hear her cry but eventually it got better. Things are still not great and she still cries some and has trouble sleeping but it is getting much better. You just have to give them time to adjust and learn to trust you. Continue what you are doing and hold him alot. Co-sleeping has really helped Maggie alot. I also second reading Attaching in Adoption by Deborah D. Gray and
Toddler Adoption: The Weaver's Craft by Mary Hopkins-Best
They are exellent books. Good luck.

[beachdreams]

I highly recommend co bathing and co sleeping especially at first. It worked wonders for us. We would also take walks and I would sing to her and play eye contact games. Good luck!

[hophock]

Are you familiar with Taming the Tiger While It's a Kitten? It sounds like a great match for your little guy. Here's a review:

A4everFamily.org - Taming the Tiger While It’s a Kitten (Review)

I wish I'd had it for my child.

[Candace3]

this is a very informative thread; it is good for those of us who haven't gone for pick up to hear these things and prepare ourselves. How is everything going? update us when you are settled in at home. i'm thinking of you!