[SRMiracle]

I really need some advice from this wise group. My husband and I have already accepted the referral of our son and are considering moving forward with pursuing a second adoption for a daughter. We are early in the process with our son, so our daughter would be close in age. We are first time parents ...

What are your thoughts on adopting two at once? Should I be concerned about the effect on the children? What about with us being first time parents?

I would really appreciate your thoughts, wisdom and experience if any of you have pursued this!

Thanks!!!

[momfrommn]

Great question. I have often wondered this myself. I hope somebody replies

[DPline]

We started the process of adopting our daughter (she was 2.5 months at referral) and then three months later accepted our son's referral. He was just turning a year old at the time. They are 6.5 months apart in age.

My son's attorney pushed to try to get his case "caught up' with our daughter's and get them to come home together, but due to an issue getting DNA done, they came home 3 months apart. I am actually very thankful they didn't come home together and we had some time to get our daughter settled in before he came home. She had horrible sleep issues for the first 4-6 weeks, and I don't know what I would have done if I had been dealing with that and also had a 17 month old. If they had come home together, we would have made it work, but I think this worked out better for us and them.

We are not first time parents, and it was more overwhelming than I expected having two toddlers at the same time. (Developmentally they are basically like having twins even with their age difference.) Of course I would do it again and have no regrets, but just know it is a lot, and what you are up for. Even now, they are 3.5 and will be 4 next week, and everything is a production. Making sure everyone gets dressed (with clothes facing the right way preferably!), shoes on the correct feet (maybe), coats on, out the door without someone getting wacked with the door, to the car and into car seats that need to be buckled and tightened. And then out of the car while making sure no one wanders into traffic, who gets to sit in the seat of the cart this time and who has to sit in the basket (or gets to walk!), and the list goes on.

The big upside is they play so well together and really enterain themselves. Very different than my older son! And they both adjusted very well. After being in foster homes with other children, they were used to having siblings.

I hope this doesn't sound discouraging. I don't mean it to be. Just food for thought. If you have questions, please feel free to ask here or PM me.

Good luck with whatever you decide to do!

[SRMiracle]

bumpin for myself ... really appreciate any advice

[SisterBear]

This is just my opinion, based on what I know I can handle. I would not do it. I have a 3 year old bio daughter and a 10 month old Guatemalan daughter. Both of my girls are extremely easy children. I don't have much of a support system (no family in the area) so I think that plays a huge part in my thoughts about two at once.

My agency won't allow adoption of two unrelated at the same time because they believe you really need time with the first one. I know this is very controversial but I agree. I often feel that I cannot give enough of myself to both of my girls, even with their age differences.

Good luck! I don't think there is any right answer, just what is best for your family.

[jules17]

Our son Sam came home in January and turns 1 (!) next Wednesday. Our son Lucas is 6 months old (will be 7 months on June 8) and is in PGN. So our boys are 5 1/2 months apart. We were also first-time parents. We are not nervous about it at all! We feel doubly blessed! I am so excited that they will always have each other that it diminishes any worry I have about the two of them so close in age.

I do know it will be twice as much as work, but also twice as much FUN. (that said, it will take me a little while to get "good" at taking both of them out alone!!) I am a SAHM and would love lots of children!! But others who have "been there" already have already walked a mile in these shoes!!

[Bagelow]

We brought our son home in Feb-I am ready to adopt another child. This would make number 5-4 bio, one adopted. Go with what your heart says.

[Scarletann]

I am the mom of 5 children. The first three were less than 4 1/2 years apart from first to third. We now have two adopted little girls 2 years apart. If you can go with the flow, realize all difficult days end and they grow up too quickly, know that your life as you know it will change (for the better) and relax ... I wouldn't hesitate. What the kids give to each other is priceless and with that state of adoptons in Guatemala, if you want to adopt two I would not wait. All 5 of my children give something unique and special to each other ... yes we are tired and overwhelmed at times but most of the times we just take one day at a time.

Hope this helps.

[paramom]

We also adopted two non-related babies. They are six weeks apart. I agree with someone who said that it is just like having twins, because they play together, they even talk back and forth to each other over their cribs, and in their car seats. I admit, there have been times when one is sick, that it has been hard, but I would not trade having two at the same time for anything. I cannot even imagine what would have happened, if we had only chosen one baby. They have both bonded very well, they are both super attached to our whole family, and they are super attached to each other. We do not have a good family support system, so it is just my dh, and our two older siblings who take care of each other and our two precious babies. Like the one said above, you have to go with your heart. I would say this though, our days are very busy. And sometimes busy does not even describe it. But, at the end of the day, when I am exhausted, I just how much joy our day has been filled with.

[2forus]

We adopted two unrelated at once. We've been home about 4 weeks now. They are three days apart so to us they are twins. It is a challenge, sometimes more than others. But, they are bonding to us and each other well and they have already changed and made so much progress since they've been home. There are times that my husband and I think that we will go mad, but there are so may times where it just works and we know it was the right thing for us. We couldn't imagine only having one of them in our lives, but I have to say that one would be so so easy compared to two babies who are 8 1/2 months old learning you, each other, and all kinds of new skills.

[Mommy2twins]

I have an 18 month old son and daughter that came home 10 months ago. They are less than a day apart in age and we were first time parents with no support system. We were also both professionals and I quit my job to stay home with the kids (and an abandoned puppy that needed a home ). Besides the major adjustment with quiting my high stress / high reward career and adding a puppy that was chewing my furniture and everything else to the mix (oh did I mention I have 7 cats too!).... well, needless to say after a few weeks of the kids arriving home on 7/22 we both thought that we must have been insane to adopt two at once. They were with different foster moms and thier schedules were totally different. Our daughter was healthy and easy going, our son needed medical attention and was very demanding. I don't know how we survived it but we did, I mean the first 3 months mostly. Major shock to the system for everyone! But we stuck to the schedules, stayed close to home and worked on building those bonds and getting the medical issues sorted out. By 5 months home we'd all settled in but it still felt like a lot of work and the dark circles under our eyes didn't stop just because the kids were sleeping through the night. A lot has happened since then, some challenging and some just pure joy. I can't imagine it any other way now. But I won't sugar coat it. I think that it is rare when both come home healthy, happy and easy going. I think that it's likely that the kids will have different foster moms so you will need to get them adjusted after they come home. You won't get a good nights sleep for several weeks if your lucky. The financial benefits of having two at once just simply isn't there... it's expensive no matter what way you dice it. But as others have said, they do bond to you and to eachother just fine and they are vitual twins with twin-like behavior. They probably won't look alike so you'll get the "are they twins?" question with a puzzled expression. I get a little frustrated with that part at times. They fight a lot over toys but cry when they are seperated. When one cries, the other brings them a toy or hugs and kisses them. It's really the sweetest thing you could ever imagine. If you get stressed out easy I would consider it long and hard. It's a huge challenge with huge rewards. We are entering the tantrum phase now and about once a week I feel like I'm going blow... I'm now getting massages regularly .

Whatever you decide you will make it work. The kids will be fine. There is nothing documented that proves that it damages a childs attachment to have like aged children in the house. If you want to attach to your child, your child will attach to you. I know that it can be a problem with older children but I believe that we are discussing infants right now. Best wishes and good luck with your decision.
Shelly

[widgit]

Dominic & Teresa were born 1 day apart. We chose this route for a variety of reasons including wanting to take extended family leave for bonding, but also knowing that I couldn't do that twice in quick succession. Also, we knew this was the only way to ensure they would share a birthculture (IA laws are always opening and closing countries). I love having "virtual twins".

At almost 2 years old, they are best friends and worst enemies. It's physically hard to shop, but do able. I like the fact that there's one set of toys out, one schedule, and one set of food gear. My favorite moments are when they laugh at each other laughing and when they gabber back and forth in the car seats.

The first few months home were hard because they would wake each other up, but that phase passes. The kitchen mess gets overwhelming at times, but I just stopped going bear foot . Seriously, they LOVE to play together, chase each other, read to each other. I'm convinced that this was exactly the way our family was meant to be.

A wise mom on this forum once said, "The size of the mess is indicative of the amount of fun had." We have a LOT of fun.

Widgit

PS. We were lucky to have one pick-up trip, but I wouldn't count on that.

[mommysoon]

Hi. DH and I are about to bring home DS (in the next few weeks). He will be about 8-1/2 mo old when we get home with him. We just began the process for DD who is now 3-1/2 mo old.

Since we are first time parents, we are glad we will be able to get home and settle in with DS before we bring DD home. We are also glad our children will share a birth culture and will only be 5 months apart.

For us, it is the right thing and we are following our hearts.

Good luck in your decisions and do what is right for your family.

[SRMiracle]

Thanks fo everyone for your openness and advice. DH and I decided to go for it today. Guess I get to start paperchasing again tomorrow for dossier number 2! Hopefully this one will be easier than number 1!

Again thanks to you all ... this forum always proves to offer support and HONEST feedback!

Susan

[2albanianboys]

Hello Susan,
Please email (privately) me I and I will share the joy of adopting two at once. Our boys were two when we got them. They were cribmates (not biological brothers). They are nine years old now. Mother's Day was our 7 year anniversary of the boys being home. They are a month and 4 days apart. I will email you photos also. Go for it! There are so many advantages. I won't say it is easy but in the long run... it was the best thing we ever did. Email me at cburruss@cox.net and I will share our story. It is long so I don't want to bore everyone to death.
Regards,
Cyndi
P.S. We are in the process of adopting #3 now... a 6 year old from Guatemala. We are so excited!