[SKL]

I am a kids' book collector so I have pretty much seen them all. First word books, books about families, first readers, etc. - they ALWAYS start with a mom and a dad.

Unless I meet Mr. Right very soon, which I doubt, my daughters will be blessed with a mom, grandma, grandpa, sister, aunties (my boarders), aunts, uncles, cousins, friends, etc. - dozens upon dozens of people who are already in love with them - but no dad.

I think logically that it should be easy to explain that, like some kids have no sisters, and some have no grandparents, it's not any more strange to have no dad. In addition, they have lots of family that most other kids don't include in their family trees - birth parents and foster parents. And besides, there are plenty of kids out there without a custodial dad. But still, that "mom and dad" stereotype is everywhere.

What do you all do to help your children to celebrate your family structure despite the traditional stereotypes? Have you had any issues related to this?

[BobMiami]

Hi, SKL. So much to think about and so hard to answer your question truthfully and responsibly.

I'm a single papi (his name for me, not mine). As I find out all the time, there aren't too many single fathers with complete responsibilities for his child out there. And there are very few people who seem to "get it". In my son's preschool, I am the only single father and the oldest father to boot.

My son and I deal with this issue almost every day. My son very much wants a mommy. Everybody who he knows has both a mommy and a daddy. I tell him that he does have a mommy-- a birth mom and a daddy, too, a birth daddy. But he also has a papi. And that is me. God wanted my little guy to live with his papi and for me to have a son just like him. And it took a long time for the two of us to be put together. I emphasize that we are a team-- papi and hijo-- who must do everything ourselves, and isn't that an adventure?

And when he continues to ask about a mommy and if I will marry one, I just tell him the truth. I don't sugar coat it. He knows that his godmother and I were companions for 20 years but then she had to go with God. And then I say that papi misses her too much to ever date again. (I do feel that way.) So I say we are "Team [my last name]. Isn't this cool?"

Many of the preschool moms look at me with reservations. Well meaning people frequently ask me where is his mommy? I always respond, "In Guatemala." And then I try to say nothing else.

My work doesn't much like this situation either. They realize that my son is my first and really only priority.

But I try to convey to my son how much fun we are having-- and what an adventure we are experiencing. Two men living all alone-- with a nanny of course-- and many loving women who he can call any time.

I guess what I am trying so hard to say is that I tell my son about our differences as a family, but I don't dwell on it.

As for kids books, I've always loved the "Spot" series. Spot's Dad really dotes on the puppy. His mom is always around, but its Spot's Dad who really assumes the parenting role.

I've shyed around the single parent books. Look, we are single and unless I suddenly forget about X (my companion) we will stay single.

But I try every day to be sensitive to his questions and his desires. And I try to make every day an adventure. I don't always do as well as I try for, but my son knows we are a team and that we are lucky that God put us together because nobody could ever love anybody more.

Probably not helpful, but I don't think we should emphasize our differences. I think we should emphasize our love.

Too long, I know, but you asked a tough question.
Bob

[Slatond10]

My DD is 2.5 yrs old and apparantly really beginning to understand family relationships. She constantly tells me " I don't have a daddy." to which I reply, "no, but you have a Papa, Uncle Todd, and Garret. Now she has added this to her statement. She loves all the male role models in her life and gets to see them frequently.

But I really like BobMiami's response... to focus on the love rather than what is missing.

[Lauren57]

I am lucky to live in an urban, diverse area, so my son does have other children in his preschool who have single moms, or 2 moms or dads. Despite the fact that he knows other kids who don't have the traditional mom and dad family, the issue still comes up. I agree that focusing on what we have is important, and also talking about the fact that families are different. We really like the Family Book, by Todd Parr, which is a funny book about differences in families. It includes families who adopt, and also families who don't look like one another (another issue for us).

Lauren, mom to Michael, 4 years old

[oscarsmom]

LOVE this book....we read it all the time!

[Wonk]

I have to say that one of the great things we just discovered is ECFE (Early Childhood Family Education). We have one for non-traditional families and are very excited about being able to attend in the future.

I think one of the hard things, even with this somewhat anonymous forum is that sometimes people have to be less than honest because of bigotry in the system. So I suspect that some of the silence even in this forum is because of the need to hide.

[gwenrenee007]

I love all of Todd Parr books, but be aware that after I got them I relized that he supports UNICEF : ( and a portion of the sales goes to UNICEF.

Todd Parr books...
It's OK to be different
The Mommy Book
The Family Book
The Peace Book - not about single moms or non traditional families, but I love it.

and Tango makes three - this is a GREAT book not about single moms, but a great book that teaches that all families aren't the same.

PM me if you need any specifics about these books!

[Quesita]

Originally Posted by Wonk

I think one of the hard things, even with this somewhat anonymous forum is that sometimes people have to be less than honest because of bigotry in the system. So I suspect that some of the silence even in this forum is because of the need to hide.

I don't know. I suspect that most of us who are about to become single parents are still a little insecure about presenting our well-thought-out- but -not -yet-put-into- practice-strategies in a forum with a lot of experienced parents who might laugh at how naive we are.

And I suspect that most single parents who are home with their kids are too busy to respond! (Thank you by way... too they busy single parents who DID take the time to respond.

[PorkChop]

Another great book is "Families Are Different" by Nina Pelligrini. It emphasizes the differences in all types of families.

[avoel]

I also like "The Best Single Mom in the World" by Mary Zisk and my 4 year old loves the Miss Spider books by David Kirk. "Everywhere Babies" is another good one for showing all kinds of families. Other good ones without the dual parent theme are:

When Mama Comes Home from Work tonight
Oh my Baby, Little One
You are my I Love You
Runaway Bunny
Mama Do you Love Me?
Bunny My Honey
Does a Kangaroo Have a Mother Too?
Is your Mama a Llama?

But, I will say that I was pretty sensitive to the "Dad" theme in books and avoided them for a while. However, as DD#1 has grown older and has asked the question a few times and been seemingly satisfied with the answer that she has a Grandad, Uncles etc that love her very much, it doesn't bother me nearly so much now. Yes, she has told me at times she wishes our family had a Dad and we talk about it freely when the subject comes up. Both my girls work "Dads" into their play now and seem to be able to understand that while they don't have one, other kids do and that is okay...at least for now.

[kerriv]

Great thread - I don't have my daughter home yet but I do think about this.

I think it's interesting that my daughter has a birth mom who's single, a foster mom who's a single mom, and she will be coming home to me - another single mom. I am fortunate that I have friends and family, and even coworkers/employers who are very supportive of me but I do worry about the stereotypes of children of single moms and how my daughter will feel about it.

A side issue for me - I am divorced but remained close to my exhusband. I had planned to offer him a paternal-type role in my daughter's life as I know he would have made a great father. However, he died unexpectedly last September. I am still close with his siblings and wonder how to deal with this relationship when she's old enough to understand.

[SKL]

I have an extremely conservative friend, and I once told her I was thinking about becoming a single mom, since I hadn't found Mr. Right and my clock was ticking. She (also single and childless) was horrified. "How could you do such a selfish thing? Don't you know that children of single mothers are more likely to [insert gloom and doom statistics]?" Never mind the fact that mine would be a planned child, I was almost 40, highly educated, had enough savings to put my kid through grad school, had no soured relationships or other skeletons, etc. Frankly, in my not - so - humble opinion, I thought my single parenting would be better than the parenting of many couples I know. Still, my friend's extreme prejudice against my potential "illegitimate" child made me think twice - because while she is direct enough to say these things, there are others who will think them but keep quiet.

When I told her I was adopting as a single woman, she was supportive. But what does this really mean? That she feels although single parenting is second-best, it's good enough for an adopted child from a developing country? Why? Because that child ought to feel lucky she wasn't left homeless in a garbage dump?

I'm old enough to realize that such attitudes are just immature and ignorant. However, I can't help wondering how these mixed messages will translate in my daughters' minds.

Maybe, though, I shouldn't worry. As the third of six children of high-school dropouts, I spent my whole life hearing that "studies say" I should have been a retarded, unhealthy deviant. But I always had the spunk to push back, hard. I was proud of my family - proud that we didn't look like the stereotypical family. I guess I have every reason to hope that my daughters will feel the same way.

[gibbs7263]

WOW Bob. That was a great answer. Very well put answer to a tough question. I look up to all of you who choose to take on the responsibility of raising children as a single parent. You emphasize LOVE and that is just what I talk about. My husband and I do not have very supportive families. We have a few friends whom I call family because they love our daughter so much. My hubby does not understand why I invite others who want to love our children into our family. There are others out there who care more than our actually family.

[tybeemuffin]

I Love you like Crazy Cakes is a good single Mom adoption book (although the adoption is from China). It doesn't mention a dad at all, so I would assume she is single.

My DD also has a Papi (my father) and my next door neighbor "Uncle Jack" is always over playing with her too.

I have been divorced twice, so it is unlikely that I will even attempt to get married again. I am however open to dating, just not getting married. That too can pose a problem if I get serious with a man later and DD starts to wonder why I won't get married so she can have a daddy. I guess I'll cross that bridge when and if I ever get to it.

[JustBarbara]

Hi - great response from Bob - thank you for your thoughtful writing. My DS is only 14 months so a bit early but I show him pictures of him from the time I got his referral. His FM is a single mom of five. I have three of the Todd Parr books but we haven't read them yet. I seemed to like them more when I was in the journey.

Every day we read Sleepytime Rhyme by Remy Charlip - it's a great book and it's just the mommy and the baby ... so good for single moms. Unfortunately I don't have much to offer re: suggestions for single dads. But I too am of the "we are a team - just the two of us" ... and if I do meet Mr. Right then ... but I have to be very honest - the criteria for Mr. Right has changed now that I am a mom - the bar is set much, much higher

People are funny - when I told the guy I was dating six years ago that I was going to try and become a mom he astonished me with "how could you be so irresponsible and selfish being a single mom, your career is finished and you'll never have enough money." With that we were done. Six months later he married a single mom of a four-year-old boy. So ... back to the subject at hand ... we also love the ABC chicka chicka boom boom book. And Counting with Maisy. - Barbara