[mountainmama]

Ok, please be honest, am I over reacting?

We were at a get together today with other families with Guatemalan children. We had a wonderful time!!! However, there is a couple of families in our group hosting Guatemalan children that are teenagers. We were just about to leave and my little guy climbs up in a chair beside the 17 year old young lady (who doesn't speak english) and points at her and says my mommy. Ok, I just tried to play it off because he is only 2, but he said it like 5 more times.

I was so floored I didn't know what to do. I don't know why he said it, other than they resemble each other. The lady that is hosting her just looked at me and she was like why would he say that, she was as floored as I was. We get to the car and I have tears in my eyes and I know it sounds petty just typing this out, but it really hurt my feelings. I know he didn't even understand, but wow not something you expect to hear from your 2 year old.

My husband knew that it upset me and he tried to make me feel better, but I told him he just didn't understand. I called my best friend and of course I just lost it on the phone. I shocked her because I was crying. She has 4 children and she told me that of course they will say things that will hurt your feelings.

Please tell me there is someone else out there that would have been upset. I feel bad that I got so upset, but I think the shock was what really got me, it caught me so off guard.

thanks,

amy

[Pipercub]

{{{{Big Huge Hugs}}}}

I can honestly tell you that my BIOLOGICAL daughter - when she was 2 years old would go up to random women, hug them and call them "mommy." It was her name for referring to a girl. It wasn't that she felt like they were her mommy and in her mind; she was pretty excited she had figured out that "mommy" must be the name for all girls.

I'm sorry it hurt you. I've been there before. You are your son's mommy and he will come to learn what that word means. He isn't replacing you! Hang in there - she'll figure out that word is exclusive for you! <3

{{{More Big Hugs}}}

Edited: I said your daughter but I meant your son. Sorry!

[busterleroy]

Did she resemble his foster mom? Or someone who lived with the foster family? Maybe he was trying to tell you that she looked like someone he remembered.

With their limited vocabularies wires could very easily get crossed.

Joey went through a phase where he called women whose attention he wanted ( like our friends 19 yr old daughter who was playing with him at the time) Mommy. Especially if he didn't know their names. It was as if he thought all women would answer to Mommy.

YOU are his mommy. If he would have fallen down and hurt himself at that event, he would have been crying for you, not her. You get the hugs and kisses. He just pointed at her.

[Mom2to]

My daughter, now 5, has certainly said things that hurt my feelings eventhough she meant absolutely nothing by her comments and often didn't even mean how I took it. Being a parent is hard. We care so much and then our kids do and say such goofy things at times. I just try to not take it to heart because children can be so random in their comments. It is hard when they are two years old because you can't really explore with him "what he meant." I am sorry this happened and would have touched off a nerve in me too. I am glad that you have a caring husband and a good friend to talk to. I am also glad you posted this here because I am sure others have had the exact same feelings that you had. Sounds like a hard day.

[myguatbabes]

Hi Amy,

I don't think you are overreacting at all. I would have been devastated too. My Karrey, who came home with your Eli, kept telling me last weekend that she wanted to go live with my sister and her dh. It hurt me very deeply. While they are just small children and don't understand the ramifications of what they are saying, it still HURTS!!! I don't know what to say to make you feel any better, but YOU are his mommy and in time he will realize that. Maybe it was just that she looked like him enough that he thought she must be a relative and didn't know what to call her. I am sorry this happened, but hang in there, adoption is hard to understand at 2 (or even 3). Give Eli a hug from all of us and tell Winnie we said "Hi, from NC!"

Call me sometime!

God Bless, Nancy

[mountainmama]

thanks for the words of encouragement.
Yes, I am his mommy, but I think it just caught me off guard.

She didn't resemble anyone in the foster family, his foster mother was older and he came home at 4.5 months so I am guessing he probably doesn't remember much about his time in Guatemala.

thanks again and it is nice to know that other children have made the same kind of comments.

amy

[drjeanne]

Amy,
My goodness! I don't know what to say to you! I am the first time mother of a 17 month old girl so, I haven't had much experience at this but, I'd say kids say the darndest things! The likelihood is that somewhere along the way our children will say or do things that will hurt our feelings....just the same way we will say or do things that will hurt their feelings! We're all just people and we ARE talking about a 2 year old! I'd say your son saw the similarities between himself and this 17 year old girl and he's noticed differences in you and him. It's natural and I'm sure you two have a great, bonded relationship and he loves you dearly! Please don't be so hurt! Tell your son you have a boo boo and let him kiss it all better! Forget about it! Noone can take care of your little guy like you can!

Hope this helped some! I feel bad that you're feeling so bad!
Jeanne

[ncurry3]

I'm saying the same thing, my nephew, who I've babysat daily since he was 2 months old, would sometimes call me mom when I had him. He KNOWS I'm not his mom, and he doesn't do it anymore, but I think it was just something he said because he could. I'm so sorry for you, I can't imagine how hurtful it was, but I KNOW he didn't mean it, he was just talking. Hope you feel better.

[JillnChris]

I have had this happen on the other end of the spectrum. I work with kids of all ages and when they are still learning how to talk they sometimes call me mom or mommy. Whenever this happens I feel so uncomfortable because I can see the hurt in their mom's face. I agree with the other posters that children just think it is what you call every woman and it does not mean that they think I am there mom or that they love me more than their mom. They hardly know me just like you son hardly knew that woman.

[devildogwife]

I have a friend who has never been called mommy by her son. He says daddy just fine, but he calls the dog mommy. I know it bothers her. Sorry your feelings are hurt.

[Jonni]

I'm sorry he hurt your feelings. Little ones have no idea sometimes that what comes out of their mouths can cut Mom to the core!

I wouldn't let it happen five times, though. If he's old enough to say it, he's old enough to be corrected for it. If he says something like that again, just pick him up on your lap and say "Sweetheart, Mommy is the name for me. This lady's name is Mrs. ______ and that's what you should call her." Then immediately distract him from the situation so he doesn't get the chance to disobey -- walk off with him and find him a toy to play with or go say hi to other friends at the get-together or whatever.

Then once you're home, talk with him about it again....not to see why he said it or what he was feeling or whatever (because you're just not going to get that out of a 2 year old, you're going to get something else confusing and hurtful, most likely!)... but just to repeat your instruction on the matter.

Kids understand much more than we give them credit for. I wouldn't just ignore it or it will continue.

[PackGirl]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

I had a similar expierience and it shook me up for a while.
I was at Houston airport flying home. Baby Kinney and I were in the restroom and when we stepped out of the stall, a Latina woman with a little boy was washing her hands. Kinney took off for her, wrapped himself around her leg, and just started sobbing "mama,mama". She looked at me and asked me what was wrong. I told her that he was adopted and he has only been in the US for a few months. I picked Kinney up and he screamed for the next 30 min.

Now, my expierence may be different cuz Kinney was almost 15 months old when he came home. I know he remembers his foster mom. But, it was scary.

We have not had a repeat of this!

[Cheryl101]

My eight year old daughter is adopted. She has met her birthmother, but hasn't seen her in about a year. We talk openly and naturally about her adoption.

Last week we went to the Disney movie "Meet the Robinson's". It deals with adoption, among other things.

Later that night, Molly fell asleep on the sofa, and I went to pick her up and she said "I want my mama.", I said "I am your mama" and she said "No, my other mama". WHich freaked me out. I said, "Molly, what are you talking about" and she kind of came out of it, (she was apparently talking in her sleep more or less) and she said "I don't know". I asked her the next day if she remembered it and if she had been dreaming and did she want to see her birthmother, etc. (Basically just overreacting!). She said she remembered saying it, but doesn't know why she said it or what she meant and no, she doesn't feel like seeing her birthmother right now.

It did hurt my feelings too. We want these children to be OURS, for no one else to have a "claim" to them or to their hearts. It is tough, but if the child is too young to understand or doesn't mean to be hurtful, I would try not to show the hurt. I wouldn't want my child to feel guilty for something she has no control over. Adoption is wonderful, but it comes with its share of pain.

[Larue]

I'm so sorry you're feeling hurt. In my book - you should never have to appologize for your feelings. Only your actions if they hurt someone else.

I don't have any great pearls of wisdom to share, only to say that my youngest brother, who is 14 years my junior, used to call me "mommy" when he was about that age. As the other posters have said, I think we put a lot of meaning into the word Mommy. But at 2, they really don't understand what it means. I don't doubt he knows who his real Mommy is. Hugs to you!!!

[mom2GRLC]

My kids have hurt my feelings at times too. Of course it wasn't their fault or intention.

We have to be strong Mommies!!! We have to be comfortable in our position as their mother to not allow these things to really get to us. Yes it may sting for a minute but don't let it get you down or doubt your place as their mother.

I'm sure your son runs to you and calls you Mommy when you walk in the door or pick him up from some place. He knows you are his mommy. But he is right....he has had other mommies in his life as well and I'd think it's good that he identifies with those that look like his birthmom or foster mom....they were special people in his life that will always be a part of him. But you are and always will be his MOMMY.