[Larue]

Greetings Forum friends. I had a little chat with a family member last night. And they kept making comments about how "lucky" Sabrina is to have DH and I. I have heard this before since we started this journey. Some people have the impression that if you adopt internationally that you're some sort of saint. (Which definitely is not the case with me...tee hee )

Quite simply, I just want to be a mother, and love and nurture a child, and share my life with a child, and hopefully enrich and broaden her life. I don't want Sabrina to ever feel like she "owes" me or anyone else anything because she was adopted. If anything, we are blessed and should be thankful that we were given the opportunity to be her family.

Do you ever get these comments? And how do you nip them in the bud? Without resorting to clubbing people with your arm? Inquiring minds want to know!!!

[CashCrew]

Laura I think this is a general "good mom and dad" comment because I've gotten it for years with my bio kids too. People are forever saying how lucky my kids are to have dh and I while they stand there rolling their eyes thinking about their chores and all we require of them. LOL I know often it is said in the context of "saving" the child and that I don't like at all. I just wanted to let you know that you would probably still be getting it if Sabrina grew in your tummy.

[Dulcey]

I to have heard this several times!!! I always tell them that, "No, I'm the lucky one!!!" They usually don't have much to say after that!

Dulcey

[Larue]

Thanks Kelley! Very good point. I'm usually pretty laid back (being a CA girl!) And maybe I'm being too sensitive. I just don't want Sabrina to feel like she owes anyone anything for being part of our family. Protective Mama!!!

[cmfayz]

I usually just say we're the lucky ones and leave it at that. That usually takes care of it. Sometimes people will go on to explain what they mean - like I don't understand. Whatever!

[myheart]

My son is from the US, but I still got and get this comment....because my son was born with Downs Syndrome. Just like you I am no Saint and just like you all I wanted and want is to be a mommy!

So, when I get this comment, I simply say ..."I'm the blessed one!" and usually thats all that needs to be said. Quite honestly, it's the truth.......
I AM the Blessed One!

[mcmom]

Originally Posted by CashCrew

I just wanted to let you know that you would probably still be getting it if Sabrina grew in your tummy.

I was thinking the same thing Kelly. We have heard those comments numerous times regarding our bio kids too. (And yes they always beg to differ! ) I also have gotten comments about how "nice" it is of us to adopt a child. I always comment on how very blessed we feel to have the opportunity and leave it at that. I know most of the time people mean well and that way my kids hear from me that we feel privileged to have the opporunity to raise an adopted child. I want our daughter to grow up knowing that God meant for us to be a family from the beginning of time and we are so happy she was part of His plan for our lives!

[RGirl]

I have already heard this a lot. I usually just do as others have mentioned and say, "No, I'm the lucky one."

[guatamama2]

Laura

I usually hear that also and I also reply that I am the lucky one. Although I already had a bio son I felt an intense need to love and nurture another child. I refused to do in-vitro with so many children in need of homes. I fell in love with Guatemala partially because my bio son is half Latino and I love the culture etc. The only thing I can think to say is what I usually do about being the lucky one...but I think Sabrina is extrodinarily lucky to have such a caring Mom.

guatamama2

PS What is the latest with you leaving to foster?

[CashCrew]

Originally Posted by Larue

Thanks Kelley! Very good point. I'm usually pretty laid back (being a CA girl!) And maybe I'm being too sensitive. I just don't want Sabrina to feel like she owes anyone anything for being part of our family. Protective Mama!!!

No not sensitive at all. It takes on a whole new side when the child is adopted. I completely agree with you. While a bio child would never have a reason to even think twice about their intentions, an adopted child may.

[djchris]

I've certainly heard this before....I too usually say something to the effect of 'actually, I'm the lucky one...this little girl is already the best thing that has ever happened in my life"...

I am a little uncomfortable with the comments which imply I'm saving her, but a lot depends on the context and the delivery of the comment...I wasnt offended when this was said by several of the staff and guests at the hotel where we stayed together....one elderly woman, who clearly came from a privileged background, stopped us and asked me a few questions. She told me that Isabella means 'consecrated to God", it was her own name...she then asked my permission and made a small sign of the cross on Isabella's forehead, kissed her and told her in Spanish to go with God, she has been chosen for such a blessing in life...and then she told me that what I was doing was a wonderful, miraculous thing..... I actually wept at this....

[umber]

I agree with the above poster, I hear it too in regards to my bio daughter. It's a compliment. "Thank you" is an entirely appropriate response. Congrats!
Best of luck on your journey!

[DoraDora]

Hi Laura:

Depending on the relation of the person to me (and how likely it is that they will be around DS in the future), I might take the opportunity to educate the person. Something along the lines of...oh no, we're the lucky ones...you know, a wise person once explained to me that comments like that can leave an adopted child feeling like they owe us something. I know you didn't mean it that way...but I want to be really sensitive to that issue with Sabrina.

I've used a modified version of this line -- substituting "our wonderful social worker" for "a wise person". It's really true and the person did not take offense at all. She just said, oh I never thought of it that way.

[SKL]

I'm glad to see the variety of answers to this question. I have always wondered whether it was really a slight for my child to be called "lucky." "Saved" is a bit much to be said in front of the children, but "lucky" sounds to me like a harmless compliment. However, I do think it's a good idea to counter with "I'm the lucky one" for the sake of the child.

Personally, I have used the words "you are lucky" with my bio brother since he was small - as in, "you are lucky to be alive." He was such a monster and might not have survived a less patient caregiver. I have also told my younger sister that she's lucky she had me to discipline her. I suspect that once we are all adjusted to the adoption, any "lucky to be adopted" comments may be displaced by "lucky to be [something else]." So much to look forward to . . . .

[Larue]

Thanks guys! And Donna how beautiful! I agree that you and sweet Isabella are meant to be together. I cannot wait to see you reunited!

In my case - I think I have a mixed bag. Most of the time the comment is probably meant to simply convey that we’re lucky to all have found each other. But in certain cases, I think that some people feel that any child that is adopted owes something to their family for being "rescued" from their circumstances.

And if anyone tells my Princesa this, I’ll club them with my arm!!!!