[jennifr]

Hi all! I am in need of advice from the pro's!! Here's the deal...Lately I have encountered an astounding number of people at the grocery store "curious" about Sofia and where she's adopted from and why we adopted her. That's all fine, but lately it's been insane, things like-- "ohh poor us couldn't we have a child of our own?" or "did you have trouble?"(meaning conceiving) or "how much did she cost?" or "do you feel like she's your real daughter?" even "she's so lucky you treat her like a real daughter" AGGHH!! I shop at the military commissary so there's a very high number of retired people who, for some reason, say every inappropriate thing they want. Seriously yesterday it happened to me 3 times in an hour. How do I get past taking this so personally?! Part of me just wants to ask them when the last time they had sex was or how much money they make and stand back and watch the surprise in their eyes at being asked such intensely personal questions..then I just want to say, oh, I'm sorry, are we not on that level of sharing. Because I know that these are the people who, regardless of how perfectly I respond, will end up making my beautiful daughter feel bad or sad or "less than" and I want to cry and scream at them right there just thinking about it. So what do I say, when confronted with such questions, that will make me feel better but support my daughter and how much I love her. Is it unreasonable for me to be so defensive in this situation? has this happened to you and how did you handle it.

[Niclayson]

One of the best books I've read on this subject was written way back in 1991. It's called "Are Those Kids Yours?" by Cheri Register.

Although you feel like punching them, either answer the questions 1)briefly with tact and humor 2)competely ignore them or educate them, or 3)be polite yet aggressive...meaning if someone asks how much did she cost?

Answer:
1) About as much as your average C-section.

2) Babies are not bought, like puppies from a pound. If you'd like to learn more about how adoptions are processed I'd love to give you my social worker's number.

3) That's a very private question. Would you mind telling me how much money you made last year? Or how much debt you currently have? Or perhaps you could tell me why you think it is approptriate to ask a total stranger a question that is so personal? (Remember to smile while you say this!)

[Mindybeth6]

I am so sorry for the things that have been said to you and I think you have every right to say something back. The things that are being said, although probably not said to hurt you, are out of line. It's interesting because I have the exact opposite problem. Everyone assumes that Mikayla is our child and comment constantly on her hair and how I must have had terrible heartburn while pregnant and how much Alec (our bio son) looks like me but Mikayla looks just like her daddy...my DH has the same color of eyes as her (hazel) and hair (dark brown). It puts me in a weird spot because I don't like constantly calling to everyone's attention that she is adopted but at the same time how do I get around the questions and statements without lying. I usually just smile and look away or drop it. I hope you get some more answers from people...I just wanted to say I know it's tough...from a different angle.
Hugs

[wvamom]

Boy, you have my sympathy! It sounds like you have a tough crowd to deal with. The closest my crowd ever gets to being personal is, "Wow, you're really brave!" Can you say something like, "Why do you ask?" I suppose some people might have a bona fide reason for asking about adoption, like they're interested in adopting, or they had a niece, grandson, etc. who adopted, and they want to share their experience with you. I hate to shut out people who really have an interest. But on the other hand, people who are just overly curious, I think need to know that they are overstepping their boundaries.

I can always think of lots of clever things to say afterward, like, "oh, you think we adopted her? No, she's actually my love child by (insert whoever you want here)--just don't tell my husband!"

Probably it's a good thing I can't think of them at the time.

The issue about the "real daughter"--I think I would try to educate people--we do consider our son our "real" son--after all, he is our son, legally and in our hearts and in every respect! We consider ourselves lucky to have our son, not just him lucky to have us.

If people say that we are doing a wonderful thing by adopting, I tell them that the blessing is totally ours, that we receive far more than we give, and that our lives are so enriched in ways that I could never have imagined. I hope that my son will grow up with an idea of how much we love him, through my reaction to peoples' comments.

Maybe, just maybe, I am not as sensitive to adoption questions because I did not struggle with the pain of infertility. Adoption was a choice of ours independent of any ability to conceive. I don't feel defensive about fertility questions (not that you or anyone else should, either--it's certainly not something within someone's control)--so maybe it's tougher for me to respond to that issue. KWIM?

Thanks for giving us the opportunity to respond to the issues you are going through. Good luck!
Carolyn
Good luck to you!

[Niclayson]

The hard part about answering questions like these comes in the future when your child can understand the either incredibly stupid and/or thoughtless things people say.

If you feel the comments are just insensitive and maybe curious...use the tact and education route. If they are outright rude, find a respectful way to tell the person to get bent.

Most of the helpful research I have been reading regarding the formation of racial and ethnic identity of internationally adopted kids...shows that parents who prepare their kids for comments that marginalize them...either by adoption or race or both...by teaching their kids to respond (and not ignore it)...develop much stronger identities. They are prepared for the discrimination they recieve and handle it better. So do NOT let the really obnoxious comments go by without answer people...our kids need us to fight their battles.

I have not had many comments from strangers because Trey looks Caucasian. But boy have I had some incredibly dumb comments from friends and neighbors about being "lucky" etc. and lots of unwelcomed comments about how we "saved" him.

We didn't save him. We wanted another child and so we adopted for totally selfish reasons...we wanted to parent!!! Not be patted on the back for a good deed.

[gwenrenee007]

I don't have any advice, but I am sorry that people are so insensitive. I don't how I will handle some of those questions. The questions/comments you posted to me sound rude. I really wish that people would mind their own business!

I am sure others on here will have GREAT advice.
Good luck.

[Cheryl101]

Older people SOMETIMES seem to have more backward, uneducated thinking about adoption. I've had some insensitive comments, none outright rude. My 8 year old is adopted, and is 1/2 Mexican. If somebody says something obvious, but borderline insensitive, (like one ELDERLY man saying "Boy she sure is dark" when she was a baby) I just said "yes she is".

Most people have an enlightened attitude. I agree with others, that if someone says something hurtful, you take up for your kids, but if it's just uneducated, but harmless, you try to ignore it, or politely educate the people.

[rapf777]

I am sorry for what you have been going through. I do not know why people feel like they have to know our personal life.

Rose

[SKL]

I love the idea of telling these people something that we can laugh about later. Let's all pick someone famous (or infamous) who looks like he could be our kids' dad. The next time someone asks about the kids' heritage, we can tell them "yeah, they get it from their dad, ____." Now who's at a loss for words?

I had a friend who looked exactly like a famous football player. When his wife was asked "what's it like being married to __?" she would answer, "I don't know, why don't you ask his wife?" The looks she got were priceless.

Just like everything else, it's our sense of humor that will ultimately help us (and our kids) survive the ignorance of others.

[isabel41206]

my friend came up with a great answer the other day. I had to drag myself off the floor after laughing so hard at her response to.. is she your real daughter?? she said......no she is a loner my real daughter is in the shop for some work !! she said it with such a straight face.didn't even blink an eye. priceless.

[cbmstephanie]

I had the "opportunity" to work with a lot of older people and quite honestly it's my opinion that some of them do use their age as an excuse to be rude. They sort of seem like you are not going to notice their rudeness because they are old...and trust me, they know they are doing it. They have been around the block and if you feel like you need to answer their questions in a more than honest way...do it...they will actually respect you for it.

I answers questions differently depending upon the situation and who is asking. If someone I know is asking a question out of pure curiosity and sincerity I will give them a sincere answer...if someone is asking because they need something to talk about at the men's stage night at the VFW I answer them accordingly.