[Mandy4President]

I'm sorry Daphne, I don't even know what to say. That is totally insensitive of your MIL. My MIL has decided to NOT have a first birthday bash for Addyson, even though she has done if for every other grandchild. I'm so sick of dealing with people who don't consider adoption to be the same as your own, that I could be sick. I hope that she does the right thing!!

[hopin4ababy]

Oh my goodness. I am so sorry for you but I can relate almost exactly to your situation. My MIL doesn't ever acknowlege my kids on birthdays or any other holidays. They never get phone calls or cards, and they just saw Anna for the first time 2 weeks and she has been home almost a year. I know my advice is hard for us as parents, but I would say to try and let it go. Our children want to love their grandparents whether it is warranted or not and kids really don't require much to do that. My kids LOVE my in-laws even though they play favorites, forget them often, would rather gamble instead of spending time with them, etc. One day, I think they will see the truth but they can't ever accuse me of standing in the way or trying to sabatoge their relationship. It will be their choice. It is SOOOO hard to sit back and bite my tongue while they pretend to care. I do it, though, for my kids...so one day they will be able to chose whether or not to have a relationship on their own. KWIM? Anyway, PM if you ever need to vent. I totally understand!!! Ali

[jaenelle]

My aunt didn't acknowledge Yuna when she came home, didn't send a card, gift, anything. Now I DO NOT care about the money but I want her to act like Yuna is part of our family. My aunt has also said some VERY hateful things about us adopting Yuna, and was (I thought) pretty grudging about showing up with Christmas presents for Yuna. At least she brought something which was more than we'd gotten up until then. It makes me feel so bad -- my aunt is (to me) quite wealthy, and she didn't show up with very much, and yet my husband's sister and her husband and his brother and his wife sent gifts -- when I know neither of them has that much money! But they LOVE Yuna and want her to be included. SO frustrating and I don't really have any advice -- just wanted you to know, I too, know where you are coming from.

[GuatMommy2Be]

My family has always been a "buy for all of the kids, or none of the kids" on Christmas.

Hope your MIL comes to her senses.... a dollar store coloring book and set of crayons would have been great, too.

[hml1976]

How terribly sad. Your husband really needs to have a talk with your MIL, your poor daughter shouldn't have to grow up feeling different than her siblings.

[CashCrew]

I completely agree with you!!!!!!! My MIL is the exact same way!! For years we would put extra gifts in the back of our van wrapped and ready to give our kids in case one of them didn't get anythingfrom my MIL. It's almost always Karaline, our 3rd child. She is exactly like my MIL and my MIL favors the other 3 over her. One year Kollin got a $200 telescope, Karly got a $300 power wheels vehicle, and Karaline got ONE outfit. That's it. Luckily she was too young to fully understand and we kept her busy too. We made her think the power wheels was for her too (but it clearly wasn't, it had Karly's name on it). Birthdays are teh same way - in April Karson got an antique pedal car ($150), in May Karly got new water skis for her birthday ($150 - 200), in Sept Kollin got a huge RC H2 ($100), in Nov Karaline got a craft kit to make a foam picture frame ($10). Dh is forever saying things to her about it and she seems to be trying a LITTLE harder. She actually got karaline more at Christmas than the others. He has really been calling her attention to it. For years though, we kept her extra presents in the back of the van just in case we had to bring one in from "gran and grandad" really quick.

[purplecat]

This is so sad. Why can't people see love through a child's eyes? Children do not know how to treat others with discrimination, until parents, grandparents , or an adult, teach them. It is a learned trait.

I personally would say thanks, but no thanks. I can't have my little ones feelings hurt, I hope you understand.Then leave all the presents at grandma's or send them all back. Do it in a very kind way, not in a angerly one. Do not give them more power.

[hesabanana]

Well said purplecat.

[Leebert2]

Ooh...my blood boiled when I read your post. That is just plain MEAN. How do you forget about a new addition to the family, who is your grandaughter - that you just visited with?? There is no excuse for this. It is just MEAN. I would stop it now before it causes pain to your child. You DH really has to get this straight with her. I totally agree with Purplecat about discrimination and about quietly returning all the gifts and saying that you cannot have you child hurt. Sorry this happened. It is amazing what people can do during Christmas - a time for family to celebrate the birth of Christ together in love - and instead some choose to use it as an opportunity to hurt and divide. Hang in there...

[godfrey544]

Daphne,
Is Carolina home yet? It looked from your timeline as though you're still in PGN. That might be why. My mom, who went to GC with me to meet our son and adores him, went Christmas shopping with me for our other 3 kids. I noticed she hadn't purchased anything for Sergio, so I started making suggestions. She told me she wouldn't buy him anything ahead of time because she didn't want to jinx anything. She assured me once he's home, she intends to take him shopping herself and let him choose whatever he wants. I believe her! I was relieved to know the reason, because I naturally assumed it was because he was the adopted one, versus our three bios. I hope your MIL understands playing favorites is not acceptable. Maybe once she sees your DH adoring his daughter, she'll understand that there is no difference in the love...regardless of how they joined your family. Good luck!
Anna

[dspakowsky]

Originally Posted by godfrey544

Is Carolina home yet? ...Good luck!
Anna

Yes, she's been home about 11 months. We have another daughter in Guatemala (only my mom got her a gift and I understand that). But little Carolina has been with us nearly a year.

Thanks for everyone's input. When I write my letter to her I'll go back to this thread and get some good lines!

[tricecm]

What the heck is wrong with people? I mean, your MIL need some sensitivity training!

"Christmas was expensive this year..." Give me a break!

The [b]only[b] thing I can think....maybe it's because she's the youngest, and she doesn't know? I always tell my sisters and brothers and parents that they should get little ones something small or even nothing at all. Maybe that's what she was doing?

The only reason I mention that is to help you anticipate what she's going to say when it gets dealt with. You said that this is going to stop now while she's young....that sounds like there's going to be a confrontation or something. I encourage you to go into it as though you think she had the best of intentions, or things will go south fast.

I'm so sorry this happened. All those stupid things that strangers say is never as bad as when family does something hurtful.....

[mummi2be]

I am so sorry for your experience that is awful. Sadly I had a grandad like that. When I was 8 my Dad died, so we went to stay near my grandparent and family over the holidays. My 3 cousins (his favourites) were all given expencive presents and $100 each and I was given nothing. It still hurts to this day.

If possible I would really try and deal with this now, as you are doing, I love the idea of sending everything back or doing a combination next year. It is awful when a child knows that their grandparent favours others over them...

[AnasMama]

I am soooo sorry your MIL is so inconsiderate. I can see why you would be angry. That would be hard for me to "let slide". I like to have a forgiving heart too, but I also like to surround myself with thoughtful people, and and sounds like your MIL is just not that thoughtful.

[Mariais5]

I didn't read any other responses, so I may be repeating someone.. You definitely need to nip this in the bud now while your daughter is young.. I would send back the money too if your daughter doesn't receive a check for the equal amount..

When my husband and I were first married, his father went out and bought everyone in the family a gift just from him. He even remembered to buy the young guy that was living with them at the time a gift, but he forgot me. On Christmas morning while everyone was opening their 'special' Christmas gift, my FIL says, 'I forgot to get you something.' That was it. Now, I was a grown woman, and it really hurt my feelings. So, I can imagine how hurt your daughter would be if she could understand.. That was twenty four Christmas' ago, and my FIL passed away eight years ago, but I still remember that he forgot me on that first Christmas!