[Larue]

When we had problems with our adoption a few months ago, one of my co-workers asked me why we just don't "order" a different baby?!?! I had to remove myself from the room before I slugged him!

[joepegcamp]

Here's our standard repsonse to the "how much did he cost" question:

"Please do not refer to our child as a commodity. He is a child with a heart and a soul and is a gift from God. That makes him priceless."

And if the person has commented about the price of our adoption several times, this is our response:

"The next time you refer to our child as a commodity that can be purchased and traded is the last time you will have contact with us and our child."

And we mean it. We've cut several people out of our lives due to the fact that they just don't get "it."

[CarmJoeMom]

I hate to admit this, but I asked on this forum if it was possible for their skin to get lighter. I realize it's a bit ignorant, but I wondered because I am 100% Italian. When I was younger, I was DARK. In the summer, I definitely was very tan, but now that I am older, my skin just isn't that dark anymore...even if I spend tons of time in the sun. So I asked for that reason, just wondering if my child would get lighter, darker, etc. as they age, not to be a racist comment or anything.

[nurse_reedle]

Last night at work, I was talking to a woman about our son's adoption. It was the first time I had met her. She informed me that she had a brother that was adopted. This is when comments really floor me....when they come out of the mouth of someone who has been intimately touched by adoption! Some of the comments from last night were......

1.) Where did you get him? (Ummmmmm.....Wal-mart? LOL)

2.) Did you pick him out of a catalog? (Took me SEVERAL seconds to reply! I said no and explained as best I could, how we found our son. I told my husband later, and he laughed and said....."well, sort of!" I wasn't happy.)

3.) My mom got my brother from the hospital. (This sounded to me like something that would come from a young child's mouth.....not a 40-50 something adult.)

4.) Are you going to get anymore? GET anymore WHAT?

5.) Why didn't you adopt in America? Through foster care? You can get them faster. We didn't want to.

6.) I thought about adopting, until I got my granddaughter. I always wanted an Indian child. (that was said with MUCH emphasis on the Indian, like it would impress me).


Ok, a few days before that, while sitting around a table with my grandmother. We were discussing Haiti, pverty, third world countries and adoption. She wanted to know WHY they wouldn't use birth control. She then asked (about the children in Haiti) are they black? My sister and her husband both said "YES, VERY black." and at the same time, my mom and I said, "Yes." My grandmother then said, "Oh, so they aren't very adoptable." I then launched into a big thing about that!

[amyfk]

Hi,

Earlier tonight we were at a new year's eve party.

We got back form Russia two months ago with our baby. One fellow at the party asks us if our baby babbles in Russian.

The other one(though I dont know if he's serious or asking in jest) asks if the baby misses Russia.

Happy New Year.
Amy K, NJ

[BabyRafe]

This is a great thread...I hardly ever post anymore but I had an incident last week that I thought I would share.. a waitress approached me and told me how "cute" my son was...then she said (after looking at me closely).."is he a half breed?"...I paused not quite sure how to respond to such a wierd word (who says Half breed anymore? he isnt a horse is he?), but then said, "no he is 100 percent Guatemalan"...she looked at me funny and said " oh well what does his father look like?", to which I said "I have no idea!"...the poor girl turned bright red about to flee, when I said that my son is adopted......

Happy New Year!!

[Isabo]

Originally Posted by b_fettes

Statements which tick me off: ....
Did you meet his mother? to which husband replied " Yes and I married her".

Mary

Mary,
I am very sorry that a question regarding your child's mother ticks you off. Isn't it possible for you to affirm to the people asking this question that your child now has TWO mothers? What is wrong with validating this fact? Your child has two real mothers now. I believe that when people ask this question, it is a wonderful opportunity to educate others, rather than to show your insecurities. How would your child's mother feel to hear that the people she has entrusted her child to are "ticked off" to hear her acknowledged by others?

Thank you to all of the adoptive mothers who acknowledge their child's first mother and realize that she has lost her child to adoption because of poverty or some other difficult situation and not lack of love.

[jeni1]

This thread is about the silly things that have been said to us (most of the time in the presence of our child) and one of the "silliest" to me is people asking me about her real mother. My daughter has ONE mother and that is me -- to her I am her "real" mother. And at such a young age I will not confuse my child by discussing this in front of her with a stranger! I am the only person that she has ever known and will ever know as her mother. I will educate strangers about adoption and the abject poverty of third world countries that cause women to be in a position to have to make adoption plans but her "real" Mom is who she knows as Mommy! Right now she is young so she does not know that the circumstances of her birth were different than her friends or cousins -- she is just a kid who loves her mom and aunts and uncles and grandma! One of the biggest things I have learned as a mother is that life is not about me anymore -- it is all about her. Life revolves around this child -- her needs matter more than mine. She is the center of the universe as she sees it (as is should be ) How she perceives life is truth. She knows nothing of the birth process she only knows that she loves her Mom and cousins and grandma. All the other things that we as adults argue over -- mostly semantics -- are nothing to her.
As she grows it will always be known that she is adopted but it will not be made the spotlight of her life! She will know that another woman gave birth to her and she will know as much as I know about her and that she loved her enough to choose another path for her life other than one of poverty and certain death. My daughter was sick when she was young and would have certainly died if the circumstances of her life remained unchanged. I in no way mean to diminish the wonderful woman who gave birth to my daughter -- she has selflessly chosen to give her a better life than she could provide. She has given me a gift that I never would have had. But she does not sit up with my daughter when she is sick, does not teach her right from wrong, clothe, feed or educate her -- she does not mother (verb) this child -- by the grace of God I have been entrusted with that responsibility. That is to "parent" this child. I am not babysitting someone else's child for life -- my family is a spiritual unit that was formed by the graciousness of the Lord through adoption -- just as my sister's family that was formed again through the graciousness of the Lord through her giving birth.
Because of different circumstances in my life I am an adopted child also -- I was not "lost" to my biological family and I was not "stolen" from them, I have had a much better life than I would have had -- which I have found out as I have gotten older. I knew about them but they were not made the focus of my life as I grew up -- I played with my cousins and was loved by aunts and uncles and didn't know they were any different. My father, my "Dad" was the man who raised me. Still I in no way wish to diminish my biological family but they are strangers to me. My family is those who because of circumstances of life have raised and taken care of me all of my life -- not those whose blood runs through my veins. I am sorry if this is not politically correct but since I am not gay I will not confuse my daughter with the idea of "two mommies". This is in no way insecurity or denial on my part, this is protection for my daughter's future emotional stability and of our family life.

[lisam951]

Originally Posted by jeni1

This thread is about the silly things that have been said to us (most of the time in the presence of our child) and one of the "silliest" to me is people asking me about her real mother. My daughter has ONE mother and that is me -- to her I am her "real" mother. And at such a young age I will not confuse my child by discussing this in front of her with a stranger! I am the only person that she has ever known and will ever know as her mother. I will educate strangers about adoption and the abject poverty of third world countries that cause women to be in a position to have to make adoption plans but her "real" Mom is who she knows as Mommy! Right now she is young so she does not know that the circumstances of her birth were different than her friends or cousins -- she is just a kid who loves her mom and aunts and uncles and grandma! One of the biggest things I have learned as a mother is that life is not about me anymore -- it is all about her. Life revolves around this child -- her needs matter more than mine. She is the center of the universe as she sees it (as is should be ) How she perceives life is truth. She knows nothing of the birth process she only knows that she loves her Mom and cousins and grandma. All the other things that we as adults argue over -- mostly semantics -- are nothing to her.
As she grows it will always be known that she is adopted but it will not be made the spotlight of her life! She will know that another woman gave birth to her and she will know as much as I know about her and that she loved her enough to choose another path for her life other than one of poverty and certain death. My daughter was sick when she was young and would have certainly died if the circumstances of her life remained unchanged. I in no way mean to diminish the wonderful woman who gave birth to my daughter -- she has selflessly chosen to give her a better life than she could provide. She has given me a gift that I never would have had. But she does not sit up with my daughter when she is sick, does not teach her right from wrong, clothe, feed or educate her -- she does not mother (verb) this child -- by the grace of God I have been entrusted with that responsibility. That is to "parent" this child. I am not babysitting someone else's child for life -- my family is a spiritual unit that was formed by the graciousness of the Lord through adoption -- just as my sister's family that was formed again through the graciousness of the Lord through her giving birth.
Because of different circumstances in my life I am an adopted child also -- I was not "lost" to my biological family and I was not "stolen" from them, I have had a much better life than I would have had -- which I have found out as I have gotten older. I knew about them but they were not made the focus of my life as I grew up -- I played with my cousins and was loved by aunts and uncles and didn't know they were any different. My father, my "Dad" was the man who raised me. Still I in no way wish to diminish my biological family but they are strangers to me. My family is those who because of circumstances of life have raised and taken care of me all of my life -- not those whose blood runs through my veins. I am sorry if this is not politically correct but since I am not gay I will not confuse my daughter with the idea of "two mommies". This is in no way insecurity or denial on my part, this is protection for my daughter's future emotional stability and of our family life.

Very well said. I totally agree.

[nanigoat]

My oldest daughter is adopted from China. She is now 13 years old. The other day someone asked me if she was a foreign exchange student. Also, when we were living in China and she was just a baby, our Chinese students said that we were going to have to teach her English when she grew up. It was hard for them to understand that she wouldn't know Chinese unless she takes a class.

[adoptguatemalablog]

This has been said before in this post and in others as well. However, I will say it again as it is my point of view.

I totally disagree with adoptive parents "putting people in there place", or with the use of sarcasm in response to questions give. This does nothing except polarize people and cause the stereotypes that may have been developing in their minds to solidify. While there are some circumstances when people speak out of bigotry or hatred, the great majority of these comments come from good motives but a lack of understanding. The moments following those statements are critical in allowing others to have a glimpse into the blessing that is adoption. When we choose to rail them for being so "stupid", "idiotic", or "insensitive" we build a wall that may never be crossed again.

As adoptive parents, we have learned a valuable lesson in love and family that much of the world has not had the opportunity to see. Your actions when responding speak not only for you but for the adoption community as a whole.

If we get so hung up on semantics, we set up a situation where the other person can not possibly win. When someone asks us if we knew her parents, I know precisely what they mean. I tell them that we did not know her birth mother as she was abandoned. I find nothing to be gained in chastising them for saying it in that manner. When someone makes the comment that it must have been difficult to have given her up for adoption, I agree with their sentiment. I appreciate the fact that they are thinking beyond themselves and are trying to learn the ins and outs of adoption. When I am asked where my child is from, I do share about Guatemala. In fact Mia will tell you that she was born in Santa Maria Chiquimula, Totonicapan, Guatemala (quite a mouthful for a 3 year old). We celebrate that I was born in SD, her mom in WV, her brother in NC, her aunt in PA, her cousin in NM, and her in GUA. Again if a person is interested enough to cross the barrier and enter into a conversation about adoption, I welcome them openly and share with them. Only after the conversation is going to I talk about the propriety of using such terms.

That said, sometimes the response falls on deaf ears and ignorance continues. Still, a sarcastic, angry, or indignant response does nothing except paint a picture of insecurity in us. I simply thank them for their interest and move on. Their opinion of me, our family, or whatever doesn't validate me as a father. It is walking in the door each evening hearing "Daddy, Daddy, my Daddy!!!" and getting the big hug and kiss!

So while I acknowledge that a lot of silly things have and will continue to be said, I differ on the approach to respond. Use that opportunity to soften hearts, to educate, and possibly open the door for another family to consider adoption. A child's life may rest on your response!

[nurse_reedle]

Originally Posted by jeni1

This thread is about the silly things that have been said to us (most of the time in the presence of our child) and one of the "silliest" to me is people asking me about her real mother. My daughter has ONE mother and that is me -- to her I am her "real" mother. And at such a young age I will not confuse my child by discussing this in front of her with a stranger! I am the only person that she has ever known and will ever know as her mother. I will educate strangers about adoption and the abject poverty of third world countries that cause women to be in a position to have to make adoption plans but her "real" Mom is who she knows as Mommy! Right now she is young so she does not know that the circumstances of her birth were different than her friends or cousins -- she is just a kid who loves her mom and aunts and uncles and grandma! One of the biggest things I have learned as a mother is that life is not about me anymore -- it is all about her. Life revolves around this child -- her needs matter more than mine. She is the center of the universe as she sees it (as is should be ) How she perceives life is truth. She knows nothing of the birth process she only knows that she loves her Mom and cousins and grandma. All the other things that we as adults argue over -- mostly semantics -- are nothing to her.
As she grows it will always be known that she is adopted but it will not be made the spotlight of her life! She will know that another woman gave birth to her and she will know as much as I know about her and that she loved her enough to choose another path for her life other than one of poverty and certain death. My daughter was sick when she was young and would have certainly died if the circumstances of her life remained unchanged. I in no way mean to diminish the wonderful woman who gave birth to my daughter -- she has selflessly chosen to give her a better life than she could provide. She has given me a gift that I never would have had. But she does not sit up with my daughter when she is sick, does not teach her right from wrong, clothe, feed or educate her -- she does not mother (verb) this child -- by the grace of God I have been entrusted with that responsibility. That is to "parent" this child. I am not babysitting someone else's child for life -- my family is a spiritual unit that was formed by the graciousness of the Lord through adoption -- just as my sister's family that was formed again through the graciousness of the Lord through her giving birth.
Because of different circumstances in my life I am an adopted child also -- I was not "lost" to my biological family and I was not "stolen" from them, I have had a much better life than I would have had -- which I have found out as I have gotten older. I knew about them but they were not made the focus of my life as I grew up -- I played with my cousins and was loved by aunts and uncles and didn't know they were any different. My father, my "Dad" was the man who raised me. Still I in no way wish to diminish my biological family but they are strangers to me. My family is those who because of circumstances of life have raised and taken care of me all of my life -- not those whose blood runs through my veins. I am sorry if this is not politically correct but since I am not gay I will not confuse my daughter with the idea of "two mommies". This is in no way insecurity or denial on my part, this is protection for my daughter's future emotional stability and of our family life.

I agree! Kudos for saying so!

[tybeemuffin]

Originally Posted by adoptguatemalablog

I totally disagree with adoptive parents "putting people in there place", or with the use of sarcasm in response to questions give. This does nothing except polarize people and cause the stereotypes that may have been developing in their minds to solidify.

As adoptive parents, we have learned a valuable lesson in love and family that much of the world has not had the opportunity to see. Your actions when responding speak not only for you but for the adoption community as a whole.

I totally agree.

Reading about many adoptive parents comments and anger at questions that I see as perfectly harmless makes ME very self conscious about what I say to other adoptive parents. Is it not OK, to ask an adoptive caucaisian parent who has a child who looks Chinese if her daughter is from China? Now I see from reading these boards that some adoptive parents get very upset by this. WOW. I do that all of the time, even now and my DD is home. I see it as an ice breaker or a conversation starter and tell them that my DD is from Guatemala. I a ver proud of that fact! I can't believe that people would get upset by this. I am now questioning every word I have ever said to an adoptive parent and I myself am one.

I don't even have problems with people asking about her Birth Mom, even if they slip up and say her Mom (I know what they mean. They are not dimishing my role as her forever Mom). She brought this wonderful child into the world and she was her first mom. So what if someone phrases it wrong when they ask? I don't even think about it because their intent is pure. You can tell when people are predjudice or mean spirited. When my DD is a little older and can understand what we are saying, I'll just let them know I can answer their questions when my DD isn't around. She will always know she is adopted, but I do agree with the previous poster about not discussing this in front of your children. Right now the adoption is new, so naturally there are lots of questions.

Before you react to what someone is saying, step back and think about what their intent was before getting upset. Negative responses will not only hurt them they harm you too. They could ruin relationships. It also sets a very bad example for your children too.

JMHO for what it's worth

[cyntil8ing]

Originally Posted by tybeemuffin

Reading about many adoptive parents comments and anger at questions that I see as perfectly harmless makes ME very self conscious about what I say to other adoptive parents. Is it not OK, to ask an adoptive caucaisian parent who has a child who looks Chinese if her daughter is from China? Now I see from reading these boards that some adoptive parents get very upset by this. WOW. I do that all of the time, even now and my DD is home. I see it as an ice breaker or a conversation starter and tell them that my DD is from Guatemala. I a ver proud of that fact! I can't believe that people would get upset by this. I am now questioning every word I have ever said to an adoptive parent and I myself am one.

Another ditto here. We were at a restaurant last week and there was a family with two girls, the youngest of which I was fairly sure was from Guatemala. I would have loved to chat with them while we were waiting for our tables, but was afraid of saying the wrong thing, so I said nothing at all.

[Evan's Folks]

Several people have made reference to "two moms" - birth mom and forever mom. If we are being "politically" correct, wouldn't it be three moms in many cases - birth mom, foster mom, and forever mom. Small point, but everyone seems to forget about how important of a role the foster mothers have played in our child's upbringing. Just my two cents.