[jules17]

My DH is a huge soccer player. We got more than a few "Oh, great, well, Sam will be a great soccer player, you know, because they are down there."

Ummmmm, yeahhhhhhh...

[Disneycrazed]

We have a group of Guatemalan men that work on some farms about 15-20 miles from where we live. We have had 3 different people say to us."Oh you are adopting from Guatemala? You should go down to "the farms" and see if you can talk with some of the workers".
I always find this funny. like I'm going to just walk into the fields and start talking to them. And what did they want us to just start talking to them about while they are working???????

[tinaedmond]

My favorite dumb question (asked when I was showing off referral pic): "Is she ever going to get any lighter?"

My response: "No, and I love her skin color the way that it is, I think it's beautiful."

What I wanted to say: "WHAT??? Get the h--- out of my cubicle!"

I was actually quite proud of myself, because that was the first really stupid question I ever got.

Tina

[annaguat]

Ugh! Just wait till they assume you are getting paid for "taking" all these kids and that is why you have a large family. Anna mom to 11

Originally Posted by Alexismandyjr

I have 5 bio kids. My son just got home last week. I actually had someone ask me if he was 50% off since I already had so many kids...... I can't post my reply to that comment!

[tybeemuffin]

I guess I don't get as upset as most adopive parents do. When people ask me about the cost, I take it as if they are geniunely interested in what it takes to bring a wonderful child like my DD home.

When people ask me about DD's birth Mom, I tell them what I know. This does not bother me at all. After all she has given me a precious gift and to share her sad story helps to show people how tough things really are in Guatemala. (BTW- Most people have no clue as to how poor of a country it is).

I may get blasted for this, but sometimes, I think adoptive parents are a bit too sensitive about questions and tend to overreact (granted there are lots of inappropriate questions people ask). I think questions like "where did she come from" are legitimate and mean no disrespect AT ALL from the person who asks them. My DD is from Guatemala and I am proud to tell people that if they ask. I don't think there is any shame in that at all.

When people say you will have one of your own soon, they generally don't mean any disrespect. They just don't know the appropriate adoptive lingo. They just mean you will have a bio soon.

Sometimes I think we get too wrapped up in the words that come out of other peoples mouths and don't look at the intent behind them. If the intent of the person is geniunely good (which is most of the time, IMHO), then we should overlook the way they choose to phrase it. If we get too upset about the wording we will teach our children to get upset, and intolerant too. I don't think that's a good thing.

I don't mean to bash anyone. I am just stating my honest point of view in hopes that some of you can take a step back and breathe before you jump to conclusions about another person's intent. I have just seen so many people on this board get upset about innocent comments. I know that before I became an adoptive parent, I would have probablly used the politically incorrect "words" to ask questions too.

Sorry if I have offended anyone. Sometimes the true compasionate thing is to give people the benefit of the doubt. I think that's a great lesson to pass on to our children.

[sdsb1996]

Although I agree that sometimes it is easy to read too much into other people's "words" many times those "words" are far too uneducated IMO. I do agree with some of the above's opinions but wonder about sharing the birthmother's information.

Quote from tybeemuffin's post
When people ask me about DD's birth Mom, I tell them what I know. This does not bother me at all. After all she has given me a precious gift and to share her sad story helps to show people how tough things really are in Guatemala. (BTW- Most people have no clue as to how poor of a country it is).

I feel this is something that should be shared with my daughter before anyone else. I feel the privacy of my daughter's birthmother's situation should be respected and my daughter should be the one who choses to or not to share that information with other people.

I know a couple adopting from Guatemala and when they received their referral they shared everything about the birthmother including her picture. This was sent in an email to many people. That just did not sit well with me.

I am not trying to start any arguments rather shed a different light on the birthmother's privacy.

[sadams]

Originally Posted by b_fettes

Statements which tick me off:
Oh he's lovely, wait and see -you'll have one of your own soon.

Mary

I have had this from friends who know that I never wanted to get pregnant Mine is usually something like oh just wait the minute you get him home you'll get pregnant... what??? I say, oh I hope not!!! I adopted by choice!!! Sometimes it's even a bite your tounge. To which I get really weird looks.

[tybeemuffin]

Originally Posted by sdsb1996

Although I agree that sometimes it is easy to read too much into other people's "words" many times those "words" are far too uneducated IMO. I do agree with some of the above's opinions but wonder about sharing the birthmother's information.



I feel this is something that should be shared with my daughter before anyone else. I feel the privacy of my daughter's birthmother's situation should be respected and my daughter should be the one who choses to or not to share that information with other people.

I know a couple adopting from Guatemala and when they received their referral they shared everything about the birthmother including her picture. This was sent in an email to many people. That just did not sit well with me.

I am not trying to start any arguments rather shed a different light on the birthmother's privacy.

Thats a good point and I can see where you are coming from although my reasoning is a bit different. I guess in my situation I go into it from the standpoint to educate people of how hard life in Guatemala is. Most people are very nieve about 3rd world countries. I actually get lots of comments like "why don't they use birth control instead of having all of these babies that they put up for adoption". They have no concept that Guatemala, other than being a primarily Catholic country that doesn't believe in Birth control, they couldn't afford the cost if it even if they were willing to use it. I am defending the birth mother's decision (and many times I feel that it is my responsibility to do so) and I feel that it is important to educate people around my DD to that fact. I don't want my DD to feel that she was bought or sold or that her birtmother didn't want her. I want her to realize that there was just no way that her Birth Mother could care for her and that is why I was fortunate enough to become her Mom. I guess that is my reasoning for sharing the story. (Of course, I don't share the Bmoms name or picture or any identifiable details about her. That, I agree would be totally inappropriate.) It's just a different point of view. I guess we all have to go with what we feel is best for our children and in my case, that's what I believe I am doing.

[sdsb1996]

I also "defend" my daugther's birthmother any time I feel others are putting her down in ways you mentioned. I just don't share any info from the social worker report etc. Trust me - I am very protective of her I also explain the poverty of Guatemala and that my daughter's birthmother loved her dearly.
I guess I just assumed you meant you shared her life story (as did the couple I mentioned). Misunderstanding - hope there are no hard feelings.

[tybeemuffin]

Oh, no hard feelings at all. I guess it's just our instinct to protect & defend the women who gave us such a precious gift. I do share things like she was only a couple of weeks younger than me, which I think is really cool. I don't know why, maybe it's just kind of a connection thing. For me that's a special detail I like to share.

[drjeanne]

Tybeemuffin,
Your comment about birth control in Guatemala made me remember a comment a "friend" said to me. During our adoption process, we thought our baby's birthmother was pregnant again and we were excited that we may get to adopt another baby (we've since found out we were misinformed). I told my "friend" this and her response was "haven't they taught her how to keep her legs together?" I just about fell off my chair! I think the public, in general, are fairly ignorant not only of poverty in third world countries but, also about adoption!

J

[tybeemuffin]

I have heard similar comments about them learning how not to have babies. I didn't have a minor Bmom, but I can imagine some of these minor bmoms probablly didn't even know where babies came from until they got pregnant. It's not like they have sex education. Many are lucky to have had any education at all.

We have it in the USA too. I live in the South, I met a 22 yr. old that thought that you couldn't get pregnant if you stood up after having sex. Guess what, she got pregnant.

[KKR213]

I love these threads so that I will be ready when I get a comment. In the 9 months since John has been home the only question I got was from the photographer at Target who asked if John's father was tall since he is tall for his age and I am 5'3. But she was doing it to see what I said and to share that she had a friend who was a Guatemalan adoptee.

[gwenrenee007]

I have gotten the comments about the birth mother also. My sister and friends have said, "why don't they just use birth control." Eventhough I explained what everyone else has said sometimes I don't think that they really get it. They haven't said anything again about it, but I just don't think that they get it.

Also when we received our referral we showed everyone the pictures, and we thought that the foster mother was in some of the pics. We later found out when we got the DNA that is was the birth mother. Some people when we received the referral made comments on how she looked "rough" I really didn't know what to say so I said, "that she has probably had a much harder life than we can even imagine, and I don't think there is anything wrong with the way she looks." Now I wish I hadn't showed them to everyone, but I don't think they will remember. The funny thing is that I think she sort of looks like my mom who has passed away, and yes my mom was pretty.

[jennynabee]

People are silly. My son is adopted. I remember strutting down the street with him as any proud new mother would and my neightbor introduced us as Jenny and her adopted son Alec. Ok, why not just my son?