[wertygirl]

We were in family court last week when we lost Liliana's referral because the DNA didn't match. We had her referral 3 months and hadn't even met her yet, but it's been (surprisingly) painful. I'm starting to feel a little better, but it seems strange and disprespectful to think about another referral. My husband is really anxious to start over, but part of me wants to wait. Another part thinks that all we'll be doing is waiting after a new referral, so either way I'll have time to mourn the loss. I was a ball of nerves last time- I'm going to be a nervous wreck! I just don't know. I would really appreciate some other perspectives.

If you have lost a referral, did you wait before taking another one? Did it help, or make it harder? I really appreciate anything you share.

[DPline]

We lost our first referral when she passed away at 2.5 months old. We had not met her, and I had no idea how attached I was to her until she died. It is a pain I would not wish on anyone.

Our agency offered that we could move forward with any of their waiting children or wait for another newborn from the same attorney. I was not ready to accept a new referral at that point, so we chose to wait. Sarah passed away December 15th, and when the attorney did not have a new referral for us at the end of February, we chose to move forward with one of their waiting children - who is now our daughter. I do still think of Sarah, especially on the anniversary of her birth and death. Having met the child or not, it is truely a huge loss.

There is no right or wrong answer. It is what feels right to YOU and will help you heal.

Good luck with your decision. (((hugs)))

[Disneycrazed]

I'm so sorry to hear about your loss . This must be so hard and heart breaking!

We lost our first referral within 24hours of receiving it so it was different for us. But we then accepted another one 24 hours later.
I'm sure you are going through much more than we did at the time.
I hear what you are saying but on the other hand... I think I would be very concerned about waiting due to the Hague.

[srspiv]

I lost my first referral when adopting my older son. I had the referral less than a month but it was still very painful. I had alrady shown off his picture and thought of a name.

Strangely enough I accepted a new referral on the same phone call that I lost the first. It was hard but I knew waiting would only prolong the process. It took me awhile to feel comfortable with referral #2 and I waited quite awhile before letting anyone know about him (other than close friends). But I don't think having a new referral made it any easier or harder.

Don't feel bad about giving yourself time to grieve. Yes, you only had pictures but those pictures represented hope so don't downplay your reaction. It's perfectly natural. Wait until you feel ready.

For me, fast forward four years, I can't imagine any other child in my life than my sweet boy. I do however still have a dried rose in my kitchen that we had placed on the alter at church upon recieving the first referral and I pray for that child everytime his birthday goes by.

[6kidsforme]

We lost our first referral after 5 1/2 weeks (Bmom came back). That was on a Tuesday. My agency's policy is that if you lose a referral, you are "next" on the list. Well, 2 days later, on Thursday, my agency called with another referral. I started crying almost immeditaley and said I could not do this so soon, I had just lost a baby! The agency owner said "are you sure, maybe you just want to see her? I have a good feeling about this one for you..." Through tears and doubts I said OK, but I thought we would need to give it a bit more time.
Well, I took one look at her picture and yelled "OMG, that's my baby!" It was very surreal. I still cannot believe that had happened...
We chose another name, even though we loved the name Sarah (we gave our first referral), because it just did not feel right. And we still do talk about Sarah and I kept her pictures and a bracelet someone made for her. I feel like I had a miscarraige. make sense?
Anyway, we are waiting to exit PGN and I have already visited 3 times and am head over heels for my Abigayle. God surely did have his reasons...It was VERY hard to see that then, but it is crystal clear now.
Hugs to you. Listen to your heart. If your agency is like mine and gives referrals quickly, then you have time to wait, but due to the looming Hague issues, you might want to accept another referral while grieving for the loss of the first one.
Good luck. Feel free to EM me anytime.

[jillbee]

i pm'd you.

[annaguat]

We lost our Pacific Island referral on pick up trip. Eventhough I did not feel ready we needed to go on and we were able to adopt our current DD just hours before we were scheduled to leave. Because of how the process is in Guatemala, you will have a long and some what uncertain wait even after referral. As hard as it would have been I would have taken a referral very soon again if something would not have worked out with our Guatemalan adoption. Ultimately completing an adoption is for me the priority. We had China fall through for us too but we were waiting on a referral when that happened and we had domestic situation fall through at the hospital when we had started the adoption process for Guatemala but had not yet received a referral from Guatemala. We just keep on trying till something falls into place but it is at times heart breaking to go through the process. I still grieve for some of these situtions that did not work out eventhough I am glad for the children that did come home to me. Hugs, Anna

[vjk1]

I too lost a referral to negative DNA after more than 2 1/2 months. I had the choice to pursue the referral through the abandonment process or relinquish her. I could not take the stress of the abandonment process and chose to relinquish.

For me I had not only the loss of my baby, but the guilt of having abandoned her. Two days after the relinquishment I received the referral of my DD.

I won't lie and tell you it was easy. I was very up and down, happy and sad. I did protect my heart more with the second referral. I was terrified up until the moment we made it through US immigration that someone would take her from me.

Today, as my DD sat in her high chair with squash all over her face and a gigantic toothless grin I know that I made the right choice!

You too will make the choice that is right for you.

[ManyTimesBlessed]

Our sweet little Erick passed away in February after we had been waiting for him for 4 months. We were devastated and still miss him. Friends from here on the forum encouraged us to go ahead and accept another referral because the process takes such a long time and we would be able to grieve during that time. It was really hard to accept a new referral and it took us a few months to really feel attached to Jayden. But, I am really glad we went ahead and accepted his referral.

You need to do what is best for you, but I would say that if there is any way that you feel that you can go ahead and say "yes" to another child, then you should do it. Give yourself time and you don't even have to think about the new child if you're not ready - but the wheels to bringing him or her home will be in motion.

[karen nickols]

This is hard, I am sorry. We have not lost a referal but are expecting to- after dna failed and 2nd dna test taking almost 3 weeks now. The emotions are hard to deal with. We find we are trying to emotionally distance our selves from it all. That doesn't always work.

[margmbras]

Kim-
I lost a referral after 7.5 months and 4 months in PGN. It was a terrible time. I know what you mean about not being sure you are ready to accept another referral. I wasn't sure either, and it took two weeks to get the second referral. By that time I was ready. Throughout most of the whole process with my second referral, I was very cautiuos and fearful of something going wrong and still grieving the loss of the first referral. It made it hard to feel very attached to this new referrak, although those feelings did grow with time. Everything worked out, and I brought her home last week 6.5 months after referral. I am feeling very bonded and know without a doubt that this the child meant for me. I agree with the earlier post. The timelines are unpredictable, so I would say take a referral now. Time will help you with the loss of your first referral, and meanwhile you will be moving forward. Good luck and hang in there. It will happen for you.
Margaret

[WVUMom418]

We also lost our referral after 3 months and I had a hard time with a new referral. I felt I was being unfair to the new referral by not being completely happy but at the same time disrespectful to our first for moving on. The best thing that worked for me was to schedule a visit trip as soon as possible. Once we held Mia we knew that she was meant to be in our family. Don't feel guilty for feeling the way you do but I would suggest that you go ahead with another referral especially with the unknown situation with the Hague.

[mombyfaith]

No, we did not wait. We received Chloe's referral just one week after losing our 1st referral. Our 1st referral was 3 1/2 mos old when our birthmother changed her mind, and yes we were devastated. For months, dh and I both held on to a false hope that our birthmother would change her mind and she would be available for adoption again, and somehow someway we would come up with the money to adopt both.
Once we saw Chloe's pictures I knew immediately that she was our daughter, at 1st I was afraid to get attached though, but it wasn't long that I just had to throw caution to the wind and dive right in, risking getting hurt again. She was our daughter, even as long as it took us to bring her home (14 1/2 mos) I always knew she was ours.
Good luck to you and I am praying for you!

[rjvpmn]

We lost a referral last winter. It was very hard. You fall in love even if you dont meet them.. We had pictures on the frig and all over. We had the referral for a couple months. I was just sick when it happened and felt like I didnt know if I wanted to do it again. Well we saw a gal our agency had and asked about her and she was avail. We our home now with her. I cannot imagine it being any different. I am a firm believer that things are meant to be. It was hard but we had to move on.. We had no other choice. I guess I just think that our daughter was meant to be with us.
I think most that have had this happen would agree when they took the next referral once they moved on they felt it was the right thing to do. Follow your heart. Good luck.

[Jaime Christine]

We did not wait before accepting another referral. Yes, I too felt disrespectful and guilty for thinking about accepting another referral- but I knew that I had to move on. Thank God we did accept the next referral or else we would not have our angel Melia.

You will be worried and anxious during the next referral. You will not want to get your hopes up, but I tell you what when you hold your baby all of that anxiousness and anxiety will melt away. Honestly- I felt guilty for not being excited while waiting for Melia. I was too nervous to let my heart get involved during the wait.

God Bless you- losing a referral is NEVER easy. When your heart is involved- it hurts.