[heathcliff]

from someone who knows that she came into my family through adoption, I usually respond with "Now She is from here, but she was born in Guatemala"........ They then say "Well you know what I mean, Then I say "it is all in the terminology..some day she will understand this question and I want her to know that she belongs here to this family in this state etc"... If a person doesn't know that she was adopted then they don't question her birthplace ..I have dark hair, green eyes, and DD complexion and mine appears similar at a glance.

I had this big discussion with by brother over Christmas and he said I was over reacting when I state the answer the way I do. I answered the YMCA worker today the same way that I stated above...so my question to my fellow forum members is....Am I overreacting, should I just say "she is from Guatemala" or should I continue on as I have. I want to answer in the best way that once DD understands she won't think twice about the answer. I also want to instill pride in her for her heritage without removing the feeling that you also are "one of us""

Thanks


Cindy

[Disneycrazed]

I have now met two little girls from Guatemala and both mom's said " tell them where you were born" and the little girls said Guatemala.

I think if someone asked me where Malea was from I think I may say "she was born in Guatemala"
But I have not been faced with this yet so we will see.

[HappyTwinsMom]

We did not adopt internationally, but I think my answer would be "Do you mean where was she BORN? Guatemala." or "She was BORN in Guatemala." I would stress the word born to make it clear that you're differentiating.

I feel like the question "where are you from?" means "where have you lived?" Obviously, a baby isn't going to remember having lived anywhere other than with their parents. My family moved from the east coast to the west coast when I was five. I don't remember living in Maine, so I actually have to stop and think that I wasn't actually born on the west coast.

Make any sense at all?

[Yelena]

Interesting. Now that Juliana's been home for 6 months and has been exposed to a lot of people, we do get that question at least once a week -- usually at the play area in the mall. I never really thought about differentiating between BORN and FROM. Here's how I've answered the various questions:

"Where is she from?" Guatemala
"Did you adopt her?" Yes, then I will expand or not depending on the person asking and the tone of the conversation.
"Is she yours?" (I actually get this a lot!) Yes -- with no further explanations!
"She must look like her Daddy." Yes, her father is from Guatemala.

I can't say whether you might be overreacting or not. I suppose it could depend on your tone and inflection. Do you sound snippy or friendly? Condescending or informative? Like so many things, it depends a lot on the delivery!

[tinaedmond]

You're not overreacting at all. Actually, you are protecting your kid in the way you answer the question! By saying "she was born in Guatemala" you are subtly correcting the way the question was asked. You are right in that she is now from here, and this is an important distinction for your child. It asserts her place in your family.

I get this question all the time about my 4 yo DD. I always say "she was born in Guatemala". People don't mean any harm when they ask this question, but I still answer this way.

Tina

[lisam00]

When someone asks where Ava is from, I turn to her and say "Ava, please tell this nice lady/man/whatever where you were born". Ava usually looks at them and says "mala". That doesn't usually help them much! I then clarify and say she was born in Guatemala.

Lisa

[DD Amasa]

People ask me all the time where my son is from. I tell them he is from Guatelemala. That is where he is from after all. Why pretend he isn't? I think parents constantly being over sensitive to questions about their children are going to make the children think there is something wrong with them.

[dspakowsky]

I think the question can get old and be asked with no sensitivity.

"Where's she from?" ... "MY daughter was born in Guatemala. She WAS adopted".

[neuromri]

The other day I was at Nordstroms. This woman looked at my son and asked: "Is your wife foreign?" I replied, "No. When he came out, I was pretty worried though." This woman was tongue tied. My mother, who was with me at the time, praised me for being so witty on the spot.

I am frequently asked: "Where is he from?" I am very open with people. I tell them I adopted him from Guatemala. People are generally very supportive. On one occasion, I was asked this queston by an elderly gentleman. I told him about the adoption. His daughter was apparently adopting from Guatemala. So, he tracked them down. They were so excited to meet my little guy.

I will admit that people ask a lot of inappropriate questions such as:

-How much did he cost?
-Did you pick him out from a catalog?
-Did you just go down there and pick him out?
-Do you feel guilty taking him away from his mother?
-He looks Asian to me.

I am generally pretty polite with people. I want my son to talk about his adoption open and freely. I feel fielding some moronic questions won't kill me.

[doghouse]

When I meet people I love to tell them about my "special Guatemalan import". I tell them how wonderful adoption is. I tell them so much information that they wish they had never met us.

We are the embassadors of adoption. What we say to people is very, very important. I hope the strangers we meet will remember us as the wonderful families who are so open and happy about bringing home their baby from Guatemala.

[ez4me2remember]

When someone is just interested I think it is very condescending to "correct" them. When someone asks...."where is he/she from?" I think it is appropriate to say "he/she was born in Guatemala." To say he/she is from here, but born in Guatemala"....makes me think...."duh." When I have lived in areas other than NY people have asked me "where are you from?" I don't reply I live here...but I am from NY."

[BrandyHagz]

I'd like to throw this out there, for discussion. I created a thread similar to this on the adoptee forum a few months ago, it didn't get many responses.

I know you guys said you don't want your child to feel like they don't belong with you in your family, by pointing out that the child is from Guatemala...but I want to offer a different view.

I look different than my afamily - much different - I always felt, when this question was posed by others, that my parents didn't acknowledge where I was from, in a sense, making me feel sort of ashamed of being adopted and ‘from’ somewhere else.

Their unwillingness or inability to acknowledge my adoption openly to others made me feel like it was something I couldn’t talk about or it was part of me that was shameful and not something to be proud of.

So, I wonder, do you guys think about this aspect?

Is there some middle ground? Couldn’t you respond “We adopted her from Guatemala”?

I’ve always been a big fan of making the adoption a family affair – rather than labeling the child ‘adopted’…I, personally, as an adopted person, feel you can preserve the relationship to the family and acknowledge the adoption at the same time, if you do it right.

I just wondered what your thoughts were…mostly because I see comments all the time that parents don’t want their child to feel different by pointing out the adoption…but for me personally, the lack of acknowledgment made me feel even more distant, because I felt ashamed of who I was.

[wvamom]

Brandy,

I am so sorry that you had such a bad experience. To create a situation where a child, having no control over his or her history, would feel ashamed of that history, is reprehensible! I pray that we do not do that to Joseph, or to Bryan.

Our aim with Joseph has been to make him feel like he is a part of our family, not set apart. We will try to do the same with Bryan. We certainly don't want him to feel ashamed of being from Guatemala--I think it is really cool that he is from there! He (and now Bryan) are the reasons that we are taking a family trip to Guatemala and touring the country--we want to know more about their heritage!

Thank you for helping us to be sensitive to our children in responding to strangers' questions.

Carolyn

[EmmyLee]

I always say, "We're from Springfield, where are you from"? Then, if they ask further, I happily oblige.

My sister is adopted. All she has ever wanted to feel is a part of our family. I doubt anyone would have ever asked about her because he skin is the same as ours, but I doubt she would have wanted a big deal made out of the fact she was born in California and the rest of us in Michigan.

In my opinion, it has to do with the spirit of the question, for those who haven't faced it, you will have your own sense of it once your child is home. When people ask out of curiosity and for no other reason it feels, to me, like "one of these things is not like the other" and that is the LAST thing I want for my daughter. The people who want to know because they are interested in adoption or are adopted or have adopted make that very clear early enough in the exchange. MHO

[maham0]

My son has been home for almost 2 months, and we don't get many questions unless folks know us because he looks very much llike my hubbie and I and 2 bio kids. I always thought that although he will always know that he was adopted, it wasn't something that we should make stand out like a "sore thumb" and constantly say to folks in an effort to make him feel like "one of us". Sounds like I may be way off base. Would love to hear more views on this.