[CarmJoeMom]

I know you all are probably so sick of hearing from me with my reservations But you are all such a wonderful positive resource for me

Just to remind you, I have two biological children. Carmela is 2.5 and Joseph is 6 months old. We are going to start our process in May and *hopefully* adopting from Guatemala. (we started but had to stop due to DH's job).

I'm scared! I've read a few books and it seems that they are all negative. They say that basically my bio children and adopted child will be made fun of. They will constantly be stared at and "different" because they have a sister that look different than them.

The books all say that the adopted child may not feel comfortable with us because she will be the only one that looks different from us. She may feel resentment that we don't deal with prejudice and she does.

We are only going to be adopting one child. We have two biological children. I fear that she will feel misplaced. Having 3 children is something I fear that someone will be left out, add a child that looks different, and I'm just afraid that SHE will feel different or lefft out.

Did anyone else feel like this??? Is this legit?

[wildboyz2]

Hey Jackie,

Here's a hypothetical situation. Say a person was once married and had to bio children then for whatever reason that marriage ended and they remarried a person of different race and had a child. That person is going to have 3 biological children that don't look simular!!

In my family, my SIL is 1/2 hispanic (although doesn't really "look" hispanic), her daughter (our niece) looks completely hispanic (so much so that often when we go out she is spoken to in Spanish alot). When I have been out with all of the Grandchildren, I've even been asked if she is adopted. My point in all of this is that sometimes there is a child whether bio or not that may "stick out". It's something that alot of people have to deal with and I think it's good that you are thinking ahead but I wouldn't let the fear of what "may" happen or what people think stop you. I am hoping to be proactive with my kids and explain there are some people that don't understand that families come in all shapes and sizes and colors and that doesn't make us less of family, it is others who miss out because they don't have love in their hearts and God's loving grace in their souls.

Anyway this is just my opinion. I'll e-mail you soon!! Love ya, Melody

[kerrib]

Keep in mind these books cover a lot of different situations and experiences. I have read three and one I felt was extreme, one wrote largely about attachment disorders and one was very level-headed.

Yes, it may be hard if she looks different, yes, kids might comment, but it's just a matter of you as a parent to be aware of these things and discuss them with your children. Being open and honest about prejudice and preparing them for it will help.

None of us has any idea how our children will grow up, how they will feel about themselves being adopted. Every child is different so these books need to cover the gamut.

If you haven't already, I would recommend reading Raising Adopted Children by Lois Medina. She's very good at presenting these issues and how to deal with them.

If you make a concerted effort to give your daughter a positive ethnic and cultural identiy she will learn how to deal with any situation that comes up.

Don't despaire either - we all have these concerns!

[mama8]

It is good to educate yourself and be aware of issues - but don't believe everything you read.

Kids are made fun of for all different reasons - we concentrate on self esteem and learning to ignore people who have nothing better to do than be mean. My kids have never been teased for either being adopted or for having adopted siblings - they also have a brother with significant special needs too.

This is one thing that is not on my worry list and I worry a lot!!!

[KellyMigoya]

I have 2 biological children and our daughter we adopted from Guatemala. We have had no issues, never had anyone even bring up these issues and all I can say is it has been more of a positive experience than I ever imagined and I have met so many new friends through the process and since. We would do it again in a heartbeat if we came into some money!

[JillnChris]

Yes it is true that children who are adopted may deal with lot's of different issues. Race and prejudice are one of them. It is good that you are reading about this and educating yourself and I agree that the facts can be depressing. I have a sister with three children who are mixed black and white. Their father is black and they do not have any contact with him and rarely do they see his side of the family. So that leaves them with a very large white family. And yes they do feel different and left out sometimes. My two neices used to say that they wished they had blonde hair like us. It breaks my heart that they have to go through that and I think the fact that they can relate to each other helps. If you are the only child of color in a family it probably will be hard.
BUT there are lot's of different reasons that you wanted to adopt this child I am sure, and I am guessing that they probably outway the racial issues your child will face. Before making a decision I would sit down and write the reasons why I want to adopt and then reasons why I would not want to adopt. Maybe talk to an older adoptee who was raised in a family of a different color and see what you could do to make your child's experience eaiser?

[CarmJoeMom]

Thanks ladies. In thinking about it, I came to the conclusion that it's not really adoption that I fear, but more of having 3 kids. There are many times that i feel content and complete with my 2 kids, yet I do feel like I'm missing a little Guatling daughter! I am so torn. It's a tough decision.