[Tiffany Brockman]

I'm writing this post with great reluctance, but I'm hoping to gain some support!! I hope that this is not taken out of context, because I know there are so many waiting for their children to come home!!

I must first tell you a little about myself. I am 29 years old. My husband has 2 children from a previous marriage (a 19 year old boy and 18 year old girl). I have a 7 year old boy from a previous marriage. My husband and I have a 2 year old boy together, and we just adopted Sophie, who just turned two also. We brought her home in September. Our decision to adopt was fueled by me. I had always dreamed of raising a little girl, probably for all the stereotypical reasons women may want to have a girl, but I was blessed with two boys, who I wouldn't trade for the world. My husband and I thought about having another biological child. However, we ultimately chose adoption, and chose to adopt a girl. I did all the paperchasing, all the phone calls, pretty much everything to make sure this adoption happened. And I was super excited about it!! We visited Sophie in June, and she was darling. Since she's been home, she's been a real sweetheart. She hasn't had any of the issues know to toddler adoption. I read a ton of books on toddler adoption, and I was prepared. I was so worried about her bonding to us, that it never occurred to me that I would have any trouble bonding to her. However, I can honestly say that after 2 1/2 months, even I am upset about my feeling towards her. Everyone else has bonded with her fine. But, I still just feel like I'm babysitting someone else's child. My husband has noticed my "issues." He states that I treat her much differently than I do my other two children. I don't do any of this on a concious level. I love children, and would never do anything to treat anyone differently, whether it was a child of mine or someone elses.

I am writing this because I am truly heartbroken and depressed about this, and have no one else to talk to. My husband does not understand, and doesn't seem to want to. Since I'm the one that drove the adoption, he doesn't understand how I could now feel this way!! I can't explain it to him, because I don't know how I could feel this way either. Can someone please tell me that it does get better? I have come to hate myself for the person I am, and for not being the person that I want to be. I don't know what to do to make this better, because I do not know why I feel this way. I don't know if it's because she was a little older when we brought her home, or if it is because I had such an idea of how it would be to have a girl, that I only set myself up for disappointment. I DON"T KNOW!! I just don't know what to do, how to feel!! I'm just pretty much a miserable person right now!! Anyone that knows me would tell you that I am a huge Christmas fanatic!! I'm always the first to have all my Christmas stuff out. I haven't even mustered up the energy to get anything out yet, because I'm just so upset!!

I would love anyone to offer any advice they might have!!

Tiffany B.

[praying4rlittl1]

Tiffany,
I honestly don't have any advice for you, but I wanted to applaud you for coming here to post your true feelings. It's so hard to admit that everything isn't the rosy picture it's supposed to be and I hope you find support and some answers here. ((HUGS))

[gwenrenee007]

I don't really have any answers for you because I am only half way (I hope) through our adoption, and we have no other children. With that said try not to be so hard on yourself it takes time. I had a friend who adopted from China and she had the same experience then she said one day it "just" happened. She just realized that she was bonded. Of course I don't know if this will happen with you, but I assume it will.
Try not to be so hard on yourself because that may be why you are not bonding you are trying to push it too much. You aren't a horrible person just give it more time. Hopefully someone with more experience will chime in here.
Good luck and lots of HUGS!!!

[ManyTimesBlessed]

Tiffany,

I haven't been in your shoes, but I wanted to respond because my heart goes out to you. I don't think you are the only one who has experienced this. I imagine that most people just aren't brave enough to be honest about it.

I'm not sure what to suggest, but I wonder if you might want to consider talking to someone - such as a counselor or even an attachment therapist who specializes in adoption. I know that usually those people are supposed to work with the children, but I imagine they would also be able to help you.

I don't know why this has happened for you and I know you must be really frustrated and confused. We all focus so much on the attachment/adjustment of the child and never really talk about how we as parents might adjust.

I just remembered that there is a book called "Post Adoption Blues" that you might want to check out. I think that in it there were parents who talked about having trouble with bonding to their child.

Please just know that you are in my prayers. I'm sorry you're having to go through this. If you just want to talk to someone feel free to PM me.

~Rachel

[sseymou1]

Hi,

I also applaud your honesty, I am sure you are not alone (even though you probably feel like it).

We do not have our baby home yet but I expressed this concern (me not bonding w/ the baby) to our SW early on and she recommended a book - The Post-Adoption Blues by Karen J Foli and John R Thompson. It addresses these issues - so, they are obviously not uncommon!

I really feel that you should get professional help. If you can't talk to your husband - I would definitely find a professional to talk to. You are a good person and a lot of biological mothers experience the same feelings.

Thanks for having the courage to post this!

[wvamom]

Tiffany,

I also felt like I was "babysitting" our son for awhile after we brought him home. It was not until I had to care for him through the stomach virus he had (and then I had as well) and through the chickenpox he broke out with 10 days after coming home, that I really began to feel this was my son. Now, it's hard to believe that he ever wasn't a part of our family.

I think it was through doing things for Joseph that I really began to bond with him. I'm sure that you are doing things for your daughter as well--but it also sounds like you may be experiencing some depression. You may want to consider talking to your dr. for some suggestions.

I wish you the best! I know you can do this!
Carolyn

[renee3113]

Hello,

I have not adopted a child yet, but your post spoke to me on some level. I, too, am reluctant to put these words here because it makes me feel like such an awful person.
I have given birth 3 times, and 3 times have spent at least 6 months with post partum depression. During those 6 months, I was truly "babysitting" someone else's child. I took care of all of their needs, etc., but did not feel the way I know so many feel the instant their baby is handed to them. Because of my PPD, it took me many months to feel that "love" that I now feel. This is a classic symptom of PPD, but I had all of the others, too.
I know this can happen through adoption, too. There are websites about post adoption depression. Even if you have a mild case, it would be sure to affect your bonding. If you have slight depression, this would account for your feelings taking a little longer to kick in.
For me, time was what I needed to fall in love with my children. You're not a horrible person because you haven't fallen in love with your adopted child yet. It WILL happen. It may just take longer than it did with your bio children.
I'm sure that others that have adopted can add insight, but I wanted to try to help in any way I can. Adoption has put such a stress on your body that it certainly should be expected that these feelings would take time to grow.
I hope you feel a little better by hearing this. Keep loving your child as much as you feel and the rest will follow. I have first hand experience of this, and these were my biological children! (Talk about guilt!).

I wish you the best, and please take care of yourself.

Blessings,

Renee

[adcollins]

Tiffany,

I'm so sorry to hear about your current troubles, and I'm not sure I have any real words of wisdom but did want to pass along that there have been several posts on this board and others from parents who have experienced some of the same feelings. I am by no means an expert and haven't experienced it, but your post made me wonder if you have a bit of post adoption depression. After all the paperchasing, the waiting and worrying and all the anticipation, a lot of people seem to experience some depression that sounds like post partum depression. I would imagine that if you are experiencing that, it would make it very hard for you to feel like you are bonding with your daughter; then, feeling like you're not bonding might just make the depression worse and so on and so on in a scary cycle.

The other thing I wanted to mention is that I've read a number of posts where people talked about how long it took them to love their new child. (I paid particular attention to these because I tend not to be a "love at first sight" kind of person and I was curious if others were the same.) It seems to me that a lot of people have said that it took several months for them to feel as if their children were actually theirs or for them to really love them. You may be being way too hard on yourself during what is a natural adjustment period. I hope that if others have felt that way that they will get in touch with you so you'll know you're not alone in this. I suspect there are plenty of others who've felt this same way.

Good luck,
Anne

[wildboyz2]

Tiffany,
I'm only in the paperchase stage of adopting but I just wanted to say that I had issues "bonding" with my 2 bio DS. I was excited about them being in my life and that I was a mother but that great big overwhelming crush of love that others talk about just didn't happen with me. Maybe it was my form of postpartum depression although I didn't have any other signs of depression. There is such a thing as post adoption depression and maybe you have a touch of that.

Although, I can not speak about adoption, I do know that MANY people have a big "let" down after they have a big life changing experience (ie. a new job, a big move, new house) and it could be that you are experiencing that. Give yourself time. Sometimes, you don't just fall in love, you kind of slide into it. She is your daughter, care for her and don't compare her to your other kids. She's a different intenty and would have been even if you had had her biologically. Your going to have to learn to parent HER as opposed to your other children. Good luck and I'll be saying prayers for you!!

[Pipercub]

One of the ladies on a private adoption board that I visit voiced VERY similar feelings that you are expressing aftering bringing home their second child. The first child that was already home was something like 27 months old (had her home for a year) and her second child that they had just adopted was 26 months old. She expressed alot of challenges in connecting with the *new* child. She would pick a fight with the child they had in their home for a year, and because the bond with the first child was already established, it was really hard to like, let alone love the second child. She wanted to love the second child in the same way, but it wasn't instant warm and fuzzy feelings there. I could tell this mom was reluctant to express her feelings about the second child for fear of being judged, but then it ended up being a really good thing that she did because there were several other parents who were either currently feeling the same feelings or had in the past had the same feelings.

Parent after parent opened up and let her know that while it wasn't a fun experience, that it was normal. This lady is a wonderful person and really good mom - and those feelings do not mean she is a bad person or bad mom. In fact, I think it is terrific that she is being totally honest with herself about how she feels. She said she believed in a "fake it until we feel it" mentality. She *wanted* to love the second child in the same way as the first, but it was something that was going to take time - not an instant bond. She started making herself deliberately implement bonding exercises with her...regularly holding her, saying words of affection - even if that child started jabbing her with her knees and elbows and arched her back to get down. Others chimed in that they had similar experiences and to give it time. Attachment can be hard - it takes work sometimes. But you can do it!

Allow yourself permission to privately express the struggle you're having while at the same time pressing forward with bonding and attachment techniques to keep growing those feelings until they are there. It won't happen overnight. Love rarely works that way. It's more of a deliberate choice that has to be made day after day. Somewhere along the line though, you'll look back and you will be able to see how all those slow, gradual steps have brought you through it. Until then, surround yourself with really supportive people who can renew your spirit when you're feeling down and who can encourage you.

Lots of Hugs! You're a brave person for opening up to how you are feeling. I'll be praying for you as you continue with this new adjustment. <3

[mommytoEli]

Sounds like some post adoption depression, or PAD. Join the club. This is where i was after adopting my dd. she came to be with us when she was 8, and we finalized about 2 years later. i think there is something to be said about adopting children that are not babies. it is difficult. b/c you are not rocking and cuddling and feeding every 2 hours and waking up in the middle of the night, you have to work a little bit harder to make the closeness happen. it is hard, but it does get better. first and foremost, you need to take care of yourself first. if you are not in good place, you will be of no help to anyone else. first, take a whole day to yourself. get a pedicure, get a facial, have a relaxing day. gather your thoughts and think of things that you can do to help you feel differently about your dd. then, see your doctor. i was stubborn and refused help for a long time, but my dr did persrcibe meds and counseling for me....i just took the stress leave from my job and went on, though.i also found some friends who understood this that i could talk to, and that was a big help. just knowing it wasn't just me and that i wasn't REALLY crazy helped me feel less crazy. and i'm ok now. my dd still DRIVES me insane.....BUT, i know and feel like she is my dd. you are not alone. there are alot of us out there. if you need to chat, pm me....as my dh says, i'm always on this forum

[jemmawag]

My heart goes out to you! I have 2 bio children and working to bring our toddler son home. My bio son and I have such a strong bond when my daughter came along it seemed like I had to really work at bonding. In retrospect it was probably some post partum depression. I was embarrassed to discuss it and kept my feelings in. I felt like I should be able to deal with it on my own since I am a nurse and doula. I just wasn't thinking clearly. It is good that you are reaching out.

[kari&jose]

I know EXACTLY how you are feeling! I went through the same thing with my daughter, adopted from India at 5 months. She was darling and very, very "easy". I would say how much I loved her, but I didn't really "feel" it. "Babysitting" is exactly as I would have described it.

Anyway, I believe that it's a function of Post Adoption Depression. Although it is not necessarily hormone induced as in Post Partum, I always wonder if it's some function of a chemical imbalance. Look, as women we are "supposed" to have natural instincts, etc, but when they don't kick in right away we feel guilty and it becomes a viscious cycle.

I don't remember at what point the bonding happened for me, but now I have to say that this girl is THE most precious, wonderful 5 year old who I would give the world and the moon to and it still wouldn't be enough. Point being:

A. Don't beat yourself up for being a normal human being!
B. Have faith and rest assured that it will come in time.

Also, I have a question for you - How do you feel about your dh's children from his previous marriage? I know that they are older and wouldn't require the same amount of care, but you specifically said that he mentioned your treatment of your two bio kids. Do you feel that his kids are "yours", too? Do you feel that if they were in trouble you would not hesitate to help them? I'm just curious. It might be worth the effort to explore what you may believe, subconsciously, is the definition of parenting. Just a thought.

[kari&jose]

P.S. My mom as well as others have expressed their inability to bond with their bio children (in my mom's case it was my bro) for months after giving birth.

You know that smell that eminates from every newborn's head? That wonderful smell that you can't get enough of and that everyone attributes to shampoos, or powders, or lotions? I believe that those are pheremones put their by nature to cause their mom to bond and protect since their scalp is at the right angle to smell while breastfeeding. If it's so easy to bond, why would nature put that there in the first place?

[Larue]

Tiffany - I don't have any advice, but I wanted to offer support and encouragement. I think what you're experiencing is not uncommon, though not always openly talked about. I really admire your willingness to discuss your feelings so openly and honestly. I think the fact that you're so concerned about bonding with Sophie speaks volumes. You are going to be a terrific mom to her. Give yourself some time.

Hang in there...sending lots of hugs