[Niclayson]

A few months back, I posted a long thread describing our attachment problems with our Guatemalan son. He came home at 7 1/2 months old and we went through MONTHS of issues...hitting, screaming, up all night, grieving, not making eye contact, loosing his mind if I left the room for even a second, etc.

Since that post, I still continue to get 2 to 4 emails a week from parents who have recently brought their children home (most under a year)...who are having similar issues and found my old post while searching for help.

So, I decided to repost and let anyone here who is new know that I am here if you have any attachment issues with your child and just need to vent. I am NOT an expert but our family has survived a lot and I have some good advice to offer. The most important of which is practice attachment parenting from the very first second that child is placed in your arms.

I also want to tell you all that my son has come a very long way. We still have awful days sometimes but now he is fully attached to me and my husband. I thought I'd share a few recent pictures of my now happy, smiley son.

This is my original post for thoe who would like more information (I just cut and pasted it):

"Hello all. After my post yesterday, I got PM's about my attachment difficulties and decided it may be helpful to others if I shared my story. Please understand that I am NOT trying to scare you, just want to inform you and maybe save you some of the headaches we had.

My son was first in a baby home, then moved to foster care. He got excellent care. We visited him 2 times. I had read about attachment problems but assumed that since he was coming home at 7 1/2 months that we'd be fine. I was wrong.

Here is a great link about attachment A4everFamily.org - HOME

I think that many new adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the issues they experience. Mostly because the issues themselves come with horrible thoughts like "This was a mistake" and "now what am I going to do?" which makes you feel like such a complete failure! I got lucky. I met another Mom here and we just happened to live close to each other. We became the best of friends and her daughter (who was in an excellent foster home) had attachment issues as well. We supported each other through the experience.

What happened? Well, you can go to the attachment and bonding thread here and see my plea for help! But I'll give you a brief over view. Trey came home and was fine for about 3 weeks. They call this the "honeymoon phase." After that, he got up 4-5 times per night. He cried ALL the time. He hit me and my kids and my husband. He bit us, slapped us, held his breath, etc. He'd cry to be held and then cry to get down. After several weeks of this, we were all exhausted. My teen daughters cried and asked "why does he hate us Mom??" It broke my heart.

I read everything I could find on attachment parenting. I liked a book called The Post Adoption Blues. It was written by a couple who adopted from China. I began to practice attachment parenting in ernest.

I wore my son ALL the time. Either in a front carrier, in my arms, or in a backpack. I massaged him (even when he wiggled away and kicked me), I bathed with him, slept with him, rocked him, sang to him, stoked him, hugged him....all while being constantly hit. It took time but the whining, crying, hitting, slapping, and biting stopped in June. He began to sleep through the night in July. He now is a delight!!! He even goes to daycare now a few days a week (I am a PhD student) and LOVES it.

My best advice is don't believe that it won't happen to you. If your child is coming home older than 6 months, you will probably have some attachment issues (though hopefully not severe). Be prepared. Know the symptoms. Plan to practice attachment parenting from the first day. Get your house completely organized before hand. Hire someone to clean and do laundry. When friends offer to help, ask them to do housework or prepare meals for you. Concentrate on your relationship with your little one and HOLD him/her as much as you can.

Adopting my son was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was also the most important thing. He is a joy and a blessing! It's just that he was terrified, hurt, and angry and he needed to get it out. In some weird way, the trauma of this has actually bonded us closer.

Good luck and please if any of you have trouble. Feel free to PM me and I'll listen."

[DPline]

He is just a doll! I am so glad he is doing better!

[Larue]

Glad to hear he is doing better!!! He is adorable. What a smile

[WVUMom418]

So good to know that things are going better. He looks like a real ham, so cute.

[mommywannabee]

Thank you SO much for posting this...I didn't see the first one and our little guy will be almost a year old when he comes home and it's good to know there's someone out here willing to listen.

I'm not sure how he'll be when he gets here, but he seemed to freak a little bit when he would wake up in the middle of the night and see me instead of the fm. He just looked scared and I felt SO bad for him...maybe the room wasn't bright enough either...he seemed to look for the light (there was one on in the bathroom) and he seemed calmed when he could see it. Maybe she left a light on...not sure.

But I'm SO concerned about his happiness when he gets here. I just want him to be comfortable and not frightened. I'm also concerned about the sleeping situation...not sure if we should co-sleep or not...I'm afraid if I start to sleep in the room with him, that he'll expect it until he's older.

OH so much to learn...I just wish he was here...

[wvamom]

I'm so glad your patience and hard work has been rewarded. kudos to you for being willing to help others along the way now!
Carolyn

[MicheleB]

Thanks for the update and glad to hear things are better. He sure is a handsome guy!

[Saya]

Natalie - that's wonderful to hear, and you really do give hope to those of us who will be getting their children home older then expected. Thanks so much for the update.

[angelkisses0102]

Thanks so much for sharing and enjoy every step forward...they are very well earned. He is a doll!

[Mandy4President]

I'm really glad that things are going better. It's so important to know that you're not alone when the babies come home and it is not all peaches and creme.

Oh, and as you know, he is so cute!!

[chirokathleen]

Natalie,
What a sweet little boy you have! Kudos to you for learning so much and putting those attachment principals to work!

Thank you for offering to be available to us if we need your help! That is very generous of you and we have much to learn!
Kathleen

[kauai2k]

and we have lived through a similar situation.

Hello - I began participating on this forum just shortly after receiving our referral of a 3-week old boy in Sept of 2005. Receiving our referral was the quickest part of the process...from that point on it got tough. We survived over 4 months in PGN and eventually successully brought home CJ at just over 10 months.

When we brought him home he was extremely ill - with a severe wheezing/asthma problem. Apparently he had been treated for at few episodes of this throughout the adoption process, but our attorneys never told us when we received "medical" updates.

Bringing him home was just the start of our challenges.

Having a baby - who is at a critical stage of bonding and attachment - taken from the only family he has ever known (his wonderful foster family) is very traumatic for the baby. CJ struggled. He cried, cried, cried. He wouldn't sleep. He wouldn't make eye contact. He was afraid.

We have been home for 4 months to the day. In that time, there has been only one 2-hour period that either one or both of us has been with him. He has made strides every day. And so have we.

If you are a first-time parent who has longed for and waited a long time for a child - only to endure a heartbreaking and lengthy adoption process - be patient. Be patient with the baby, be patient with yourself and your spouse. You will feel things that you never were prepared for. You will be scared and worried...you will have good days and bad days. Take them as they come.

Your child will grow - and bond - and attach. In his own time. You can't force nature. You can only love, as Natalie has described. Many members of this Guat forum are fortunate enough to bring their children home before the age of six months and for you - this is a wonderful thing. But for others, we bring home older babies who are at critical stages of infant development. In one moment they are removed from the security that they have known. They are no less babies, still primitive in their emotions and behavior.

Thank you for talking about this, Natalie. I have been reticent to post our experience because so many stories are all polly-anna happy and I just didn't know how to talk about our situation.

Best to all - diane

[Ms.Judi]

Natalie,

Trey is absolutely adorable!!! Thank you so much for your post. My daughter Elaina will be 11 months old next Tuesday and I hope to be traveling next weekend to pick her up. I know she is very attached to her Foster Mother and they co-sleep which is what I plan to do. Of course, I have a fairytale picture of how meeting her for the first time should be and my biggest fear is what is her reaction going to be to me?? I am prepared for the worst and hoping for the best. It's all I can do.

Thanks again,
Judi

[Niclayson]

To Diane and any other forum member who has endured or is enduring this issue,

My whole reason for posting was to connect families who are experiencing attachment issues. You are so NOT alone. I was not kidding that I get emails nearly every week.

I think that social workers and agencies really do not prepare adoptive parents well for this possibility. I was literally told "it doesn't happen with infants." Well, Trey is living proof that it does.

My purpose though is not to point fingers but to link us so that we can support each other. Attachment issues, on some level, if the child is older than 6 months are actually quite common. It is a disservice to adoptive parents to not prepare them.

As Diane said, most parents come home and report Cinderalla endings, and then those who have issues wonder what the heck is wrong with them. I also would like to point out something obvious to me (but probably less obvious to others in process) is there are not a whole lot of oldies here all the time. Most people come home, post during the early honeymoon phase about how great everything is, and then never come back. How do we know things stayed blissful? Most parents I spoke with did NOT initally have issues. From most that I've spoken to, things got ugly about one month after coming home.

Please understand that I am not here to depress anyone in process or scare you either. I simply want you to prepare for these POSSIBLE attachment issues. Read everything you can find now while you are waiting. Search now for an attachment therapist so you know where to go for help if you need it.

For those suffering through this, trust yourself to make the right choices, and hang in there. Your child needs you more than you know. They are fighting to learn how to love and trust. They are incredibly frightened and want so much to feel safe and secure. They want to love you but are simply afraid you'll leave them too...just like all the other adults before you. Just keep loving. It will be worth it.

And I am always here to talk. I know I survived because I had the support of other adoptive parents...they were my life-line. Now it is my turn to return the favor.

[LadyTink]

What a cutie!! Glad things are going well!!