[arthymom]

Has anyone had attachment issues and had to return to work?????

That worries me a bit. Our bio. son had transition to day care issues, and he was with us since birth :-(

[kauai2k]

My husband and I both went back to work after only two weeks of being home. We balance work at the office and work from home. But still, there's a worry constantly that our need/requirement to return to work would further impede our attachment challenges. We have found a way to work through our anxieties. Some days are good, some days are bad. ARen't everyone's weeks like that?
CJ came home at just over 10 months. Soon after we had his first birthday, and it was weird for me. Everyone was sooooo excited and I wondered where my excitement was? I realized that I wasn't ready to share him, because I was still developing my feelings of motherhood.
Remember that attachment and bonding is a TWO-WAY street. You and the baby are both forming a relationship. It wasn't instantaneous for me. I was still recovering from the process. I was still angry at how long it took and all the crap that happened over the course of 10 months. But I couldn't let that spill over into my relationship with CJ. it wasn't his fault.

What I share with you is this: I taught CJ to give his stuffed animals hugs and kisses a few weeks ago. Tonight as we were playing, he crawled up on my lap and spontaneously gave ME a kiss and hug. Who couldn't ever say that every minute you spend working to achieve a relationship isn't worth it? Not me.

To all the parents who didn't have a Cinderella homecoming - it's ok. The adoption agencies and such will never prepare you for a rocky start - but you have to have patience and faith.

I, too, am here for anyone who needs to share or talk. I am living proof that bringing home an older baby has it's challenges and rewards.
diane

[jenniem]

Hi guys,

I am one of the fortunate souls to have been encouraged by Natalie. I remember seeing her post about attachment issues and knew I needed some help. I sent out an SOS from GC on our pickup trip.

We were reunited with our son on his 7 mos birthday. We didn't have a honeymoon period. 10 min after his foster mom left he threw the biggest grieving fit- hitting, pinching, face raking, screaming, vomiting for hours. It was so hard. This was the day I had been dreaming about for so long and it was horrible. It was a bit hard not to feel rejected. I had read alot about attachment and remembered what to do, but it was still challenging.

Anyway, I wanted to tell you that we've only been home a month and things are already so much better. The hitting, pinching, etc stopped about 1.5 weeks ago. He's smiling and making eye contact. He even looks for me to pick him up and leans on me when I hold him. We are not completely there, but making big progress. I hope that is encouraging to others.

Like the other posts said- be easy on yourself. Some days you will do everything right and it still may be a bad day. Just keep going and you will start to see results. They just need that extra love and care.

Thank you Natalie. Trey is a cutie- what a smile. It is too cool Trey came home on Alex's birthday.

[Niclayson]

On the returning to work issue, I had planned to be home at least 2 months...I ended up home full-time for 3 months and then I decided to return to work part-time evenings only. Trey was such a mess, I was afraid to leave him any more than this. To be honest, this did NOT go well even though he was only home one hour alone with my 14 year old before DH arrived home. His acting out behavior was much worse on the days I worked.

In August, I returned to college full-time for my PhD. The timing was horrible but I have been given the opportunity to earn my degree for FREE...so I thought I'd try. I started Trey in daycare gradually. At first for a few hours only 2 days a week and increased it gradually. He really has adjusted well now and loves daycare. But I have to say I was basically home with him for 5 months and the first month of daycare adjusting sucked....with many tears on both sides.

If you have to work, you have to work. Try to get as much time off as possible. And if you work, practice attachment parenting ALL the time when home. Spend lots of time at home and limit your baby's world. Forget the housework, do the grocery shopping after your child goes to sleep, get down and play with the baby all evening, bathe with them, hold them as much as possible. Weekends should be the same way until fully bonded. You are going to be exhausted but it will be worth it.

And don't worry too much about this...just be prepared. Not all babies have attachment issues.