[Niclayson]

Hello all. After my post yesterday, I got PM's about my attachment difficulties and decided it may be helpful to others if I shared my story. Please understand that I am NOT trying to scare you, just want to inform you and maybe save you some of the headaches we had.

My son was first in a baby home, then moved to foster care. He got excellent care. We visited him 2 times. I had read about attachment problems but assumed that since he was coming home at 7 1/2 months that we'd be fine. I was wrong.

Here is a great link about attachment A4everFamily.org - HOME

I think that many new adoptive parents are afraid to talk about the issues they experience. Mostly because the issues themselves come with horrible thoughts like "This was a mistake" and "now what am I going to do?" which makes you feel like such a complete failure! I got lucky. I met another Mom here and we just happened to live close to each other. We became the best of friends and her daughter (who was in an excellent foster home) had attachment issues as well. We supported each other through the experience.

What happened? Well, you can go to the attachment and bonding thread here and see my plea for help! But I'll give you a brief over view. Trey came home and was fine for about 3 weeks. They call this the "honeymoon phase." After that, he got up 4-5 times per night. He cried ALL the time. He hit me and my kids and my husband. He bit us, slapped us, held his breath, etc. He'd cry to be held and then cry to get down. After several weeks of this, we were all exhausted. My teen daughters cried and asked "why does he hate us Mom??" It broke my heart.

I read everything I could find on attachment parenting. I liked a book called The Post Adoption Blues. It was written by a couple who adopted from China. I began to practice attachment parenting in ernest.

I wore my son ALL the time. Either in a front carrier, in my arms, or in a backpack. I massaged him (even when he wiggled away and kicked me), I bathed with him, slept with him, rocked him, sang to him, stoked him, hugged him....all while being constantly hit. It took time but the whining, crying, hitting, slapping, and biting stopped in June. He began to sleep through the night in July. He now is a delight!!! He even goes to daycare now a few days a week (I am a PhD student) and LOVES it.

My best advice is don't believe that it won't happen to you. If your child is coming home older than 6 months, you will probably have some attachment issues (though hopefully not severe). Be prepared. Know the symptoms. Plan to practice attachment parenting from the first day. Get your house completely organized before hand. Hire someone to clean and do laundry. When friends offer to help, ask them to do housework or prepare meals for you. Concentrate on your relationship with your little one and HOLD him/her as much as you can.

Adopting my son was the most difficult thing I have ever done. It was also the most important thing. He is a joy and a blessing! It's just that he was terrified, hurt, and angry and he needed to get it out. In some weird way, the trauma of this has actually bonded us closer.

Good luck and please if any of you have trouble. Feel free to PM me and I'll listen.

Here is another picture of my baby boy!

[CEB]

Natalie:

Thanks for this post and sharig your experience - great information and something we all need to think about. Also, Trey is adorable!

[kvondera]

Thank you for sharing your story. I am so glad things are going great now for you both. I agree with you 100% and believe that every adoptive parent should be educated about this issue. It can be a very emotionally draining( and physically too) experience. Not for the faint of heart! The important thing is that you never gave up on your child, no matter how discouraged you got. It is up to us parents to get the word out there about attachment and be there for each other to lean on!
Blessing to you and your son,

[Larue]

Thanks Natalie for the great advice. Since our baby girl will be at least 9-10 months old by the time we bring her home, I don't doubt we'll experience some attachment issues. It's time to circle the wagons and get perpared

[acjmn4ever]

I couldn't agree more! You have to be educated in the "what if's" of adoption. There are cases were everything is smooth sailing from the begining, but that is definately not always the case.

We had all the sleep issues you did, but not the hitting. It was so tiring! Our son came home at 6 months. We had eating and drinking issues also. He wouldn't "ask" ie cry to eat. So we had to put him on an eating schedual. Despite what other people would say he could go hours and hours and would not cry to eat. We did a lot of attachment parenting and some of our family thought we were crazy. To the out side he was just quiet. But I know he was withdrawn. He has a very difficult time with transisions of any kind. After he had been home for 8 month we transisioned him to his bed to sleep at night, because it was getting dangerous for him. He kept falling out of our bed! Because of this he stopped drinking. Completely! We had to give him liquid with a medicine dropper and squirt it down so he wouldn't spit it out. This went on for a week, then he slowly started to drink again on his own. It took about a month for him to drink normal.
I know he is attached. Big transisions are very hard on him. Time will help, but he may always have transision issues. But Just like with all my kids all the hard times are worth it for the good times!!! MoMo

[stephjoel99]

Natalie, I have a few questions if you don't mind. Our baby is currently 5.5 months and we don't expect her home until she is 10 months (or older depending on PGN). Anyway, I'm doing lots of reading on attachment parenting - just wanted to ask someone who's been in the trenches:

1. What kind of carrier are you using? I used a Bjorn w/my 1st 3 (bio) and it KILLS my back.

2. Re: co-sleeping - DH and I are prepared to do that if necessary (at night only, which even then I'm not thrilled about doing - we did it w/my last child and it was brutal) but I'd like to be able to put the baby down for naps in her room during the daytime - any suggestions on this?

3. Do you use a stroller at all? I'm holding off on getting one for the time being to see how things go.

4. How many hours per day would you say you wear your son?

5. I am thinking about keeping our daughter on her current Guat. formula (we live near Miami so it's available at Latin American markets) - did you read anything about that, i.e. is it worth the trouble?

6. Were you able to get anything to your son's foster family to ease the transition, i.e. pictures, lotions, special blankets, etc?

7. And finally, did you visit? I would be curious to know if visits had any impact on transition or not.

Thank you!!! Stephanie (pretty sure we're going to have major carnage on our hands when we do finally pick up - our baby had major grieving at 4 months on our 1st visit trip and we're going back down next week)

[chica_latina]

Our daughter came home at 7 months old and we are going through very similar attachment issues (and yes, a child that young can slap, bite, scratch, and pinch out of anger).

It is getting better but it is very hard emotionally, mentally, and spiritually..

You offer some great advice, and I hope every one sees your message.

[Niclayson]

Stephanie,

I think most of the carriers hurt your back! Try to find one where the baby "sits" on your hip.

We did limit the stoller in the beginning...unless you can find a stroller where they face toward you instead of away from you. Trey used to hang out the side and look back at us and of course cry! So we gave up and went for walks with him in the backpack.

We did NOT co-sleep. Not because I am against it, but he was too active and too unpredictable. I was truly afarid he'd fall. But we put his crib in our room right next to our bed so he could touch me at night. We did move him to his own room after about a month though because we discovered that my husband's snoring woke him.

I wore him sometimes 6-8 hours a day!!! In the beginning I didn't wear him enough. After someone suggested longer wearing time....that was when he stopped crying.

Ask your pediatrician about the formula. Some might not be as good a quality as US formulas.

We have his blanket from Guatemala. But I did a VERY stupid thing. When we got home, it was dirty so I washed it!!! Yikes! I should have left it a mess, the smells would have comforted him.

Yes, we visited 2x/s and he was fine with us both times....he was 2 months and 4 months. Now at pick up he was pretty freaked out and really cried at night.

I'm in South Florida too. Let me know if you'd like to join a play group with others in the area!

[romee_1101]

Hello,

Thanks for posting this. Many people post about their love at first sight experiences and the fact that their baby settled in almost imediately. While not to invalidate people who have been lucky enough to have this experience, many of us have not.

I didn't even have a honeymoon period. I visited at 8 months (I would have gone earlier, but I did not get PA until April - long story on DNA) and I saw some things even then. He loved his FM and he was VERY attached to the whole family (four kids, grandma, etc.)

Mattie did not cry when he left his FM nor did he throw any fits but he slept fitfully (threw himself around the crib), woke up screaming a couple of times, hit and scratched at me, pulled his hair, would not eat, and did the pick me up NO put me down dance (which often consisted in him flinging himself backward and arching his back). His general demeanor was that of a very unhappy, angry baby who thought I was ok some of the time, but mostly he just wanted me to go away.

He has now been home six weeks and while things are MUCH better, he still has days and sometimes just an hour or two here and there where I can see and feel him struggling.

I have done a lot of the attachment parenting techniques - cosleeping, cobathing, bottle feeding, carrying. While I don't carry him as much as some do, I don't use a stroller at all. We usually go on one and sometimes two walks a day. I carry him in the pack when I go shopping (Ergo). I am a single mom and my mom is the only other adult who I have allowed to care for him. I plan on taking five months off work.

His eye contact with me is sometimes sketchy, but he will hold on to me now, give me actual kisses, and lean into me while patting me. He is definitely on his way, but it has not been easy!

I think the difficult thing with attachment is that every baby has different ways of expressing their grief. Some of it is very easy to see, but often it can be so subtle you can miss the signs.

Thanks again for sharing!

Lesley

[lmvsmom]

Thanks, Natalie. I think it's very important to educate parents on this and I appeciate your honesty. I always have serious doubts when I hear/read stories of "we bonded immediately, etc." It doesn't happen that way all the time.
Glad to hear things are going better for you!

[mommytoEli]

I too have a kid with attachment issues....we got her when she was 8, so I couldn't co-sleep or wear her It is a tremendous struggle. My one piece of advice if you find yourself in this situation is to find someone else in this situation....they will be the only ones to understand you. Everyone else will think you are crazy, but a parent who has been through this Hell will understand you from the word go....and you would NEVER believe how comforting that is!

[waiting4james]

We struggled as well with Juan Carlos who came home at 27 months... and forty pounds! I couldn't wear him, and we did co-sleep in the beginning, but it really didn't work for any of us! With Juan Carlos the situation was further complicated as he suffers from a mood disorder which was recently diagnosed, and sometimes we weren't sure what to link behaviors to. It is not always easy, but it is worth every struggle.

He didn't always show his emotions at first, and just seemed so happy, but he was acting almost like a little adult and not bonding to us. He would walk away from us in a store and never look back. Now he is very well bonded but does have a lot of insecurities.

Be prepared for your family to think you're nuts. I think mine still do sometimes but I don't care. You'll be the one living with it, and you'll know best. Trust your instincts. If your baby is doing remarkably well but something just isn't quite right, go with your gut. Toughen your skin about what others think, and be prepared to do what's best for your child in the face of criticism. It's amazing what can affect our little one's. My bio son spent some time in the NICU, and I was sick and not allowed in to visit. Our first couple weeks together were rough because he hadn't bonded to anyone during that time... even that young they can be affected.

Chelsea

[Sandy Harboe]

Great information.
Thank you for sharing.

[Bertaotr]

Great response to attachment issues. I also did a lot of reading about this subject before I did my pick up trip and it was very helpful. It was also helpful that my best friend is a social worker with adoption as her private practice I brought Elena home at 5 months and did the attached to the hip for a good 48 hours and once we got home I was the primary caregiver (despite my mother's chagrin as I am a single parent). But I was able to get my 12 week unpaid leave from work and the ability to develop attachment through the day to day caregiving was tremendous. At this point she does have transition issues but it probably is due to being so attached to me. It took her 4 months not to cry when she was dropped off at daycare. It is not a problem now. At this point (14 months) she is very leery of strangers and needs to warm up to you. I know it will get better. thanks for the input everybody! roberta

[SadieAnn]

Natalie,

Thank you so much for this post. I am an adoptive Mom to a son via domestic adoption. He was with us from day 1. I even stayed in the hospital room with he and his bmom. BUT even with a newborn I had a strong sense the first few weeks he was home that he was grieving. Again, everyone, except my adoption network, told me I was crazy.

I was a SAHM until my husband died suddenly when our baby was just 8 months old. Again, though I was the primary caregiver our son went through some anger for a couple of months. I knew he could feel the changes in our home, missed his Daddy, and also I'm sure he could feel the emotional trauma in me. Again, family and friends would say, "that fortunately he is too young to know what is going on". Only my adoptive network didn't dismiss my concerns.

My son has transitioned to life with his single Mom, and I know my awareness of attachment in young babies helped him because I reached out for advice and did things to help reassure him.

From these experiences it is not hard to convince me that there are babies that will need attachment parenting to make the transition. Talking and sharing about it is paramount.

Thank you,

Lori