[tybeemuffin]

One of the families from my adoption agency is very frustrated with their adoption experience. I got an email from the wife and I want to respond with some helpful encouraging words, but I don't know what to say. They have been in PGN since April and have been having a hard time with my agency and the lawyer in Guatemala. I was happy with my experience with my agency, but I also had a different lawyer, so that could be the difference. I know this is tearing their hearts apart. They have visited their son and love him.

If anyone has any recommendations on encouraging things I could say, I would greatly appreciate it. I know this is a very personal decision for them and I am not judging them in anyway, so I want to come accross supportive and not judgemental.


Thanks!!!

[JohnnaMJH]

Having gone through a two year process gone bad, I would say that the idea of being supportive and non-judgemental is the most important thing, and you already know that. :-)

Basically, I think that everyone who gets stuck like this, wonders if it's a sign that it is not meant to be and if they can handle going on.

For us, there were three times that we thought about quitting and we took that seriously and really thought it through. Each time, we decided that for us, we couldn't leave him in El Salvador and therefore we would just keep going until he came home or it fell through for reasons out of our control.

Usually if you think it through, think of the reality of it, I think most people decide to keep going. BUT, if they don't, then only they know what their family can handle. I think admitting that it's miserable for now and really just being in the moment with those emotions helps in th end. Mostly because I dont' think it's human nature to be stuck there forever. We are sad, we grieve and then we get back up and go on. So, I think by acknowledging the feelings and even wallowing in them, we help ourselves through them and enable ourselves to find hope again.

Sorry for rambling, but believe me I understand.

Good luck and bless you for being a good friend!

[Mindybeth6]

I can't post from experience because I haven't even entered PGN yet...but DH and I have discussed the possibility that things can go wrong when we enter PGN...which should be next week. We, too, have met our daughter and are going back down there in 19 days to see her again. I can say, that no matter how hard or bad it gets, I won't give up on her. It sounds so easy to say that I wouldn't give up when I haven't been those shoes....but I know in my heart that this little girl is meant to be in my family. She was meant to be our daughter. We don't question that at all. It's a tough fight...am emotional say to day battle that never ends. Until you get "the call." Being in PGN that long I think I would lose 100 pounds and be a mess.....in fact I know that I would. But the cases DO come out...look at Memo. They just don't always happen when we want them to or as quickly as we would like them to. And to get pictures each and every month and watch them grow up is devestating...at any stage of the process. I don't have the right words to say to her. I know having a relationship with God has helped me through the difficult times and I would have to lean on Him in that situation to make it through. I just couldn't give up...I mean what if the call came next week? I hope that they decide to do what is best for their family. I don't know the specifics of the case....but I hope that whatever they decide they have peace about it and can feel like it is the right decision. I would never want to turn away from the adoption only later to regret losing the child.
Much Love

[purplecat]

Tell them to hang in there. Attorney's can be fired! If they are not doing their job or if they have used stall tatics and told conflicting stories to this family then tell them to seek out help. There are people in Guatemala and here in the U.S. that can help them, or knows of someone that can. I too had to deal with unprofessional people and I feel as though I know more about the Guatemalan process,than they do even as we speak, BECAUSE I had to educate myself to find the truth about our case. No thanks to my agency or atorney. BE YOUR CHILD'S ADVOCATE!

Please tell them it is worth all the heartache, tears and fears!

[DD Amasa]

I've been stuck in PGN since May and have had my referral since January, so I understand the frustrations. What keeps me going is the certainty that my son will come home eventually. One after the other we've seen people who've waited months or years finally bring their children home. I look into the future one year, 5 years, 10 years and just think "do I want this child in my life then or not?" The answer is always "yes", however long it takes. A few months or more of disappointment and frustration are more bearable than a lifetime of regret over not having this child in my life and wondering whatever happened to him and how he'd be in a happy home with me and my family if only I hadn't given up on him.

[tybeemuffin]

I hope she does decide to hang in there, but I realize that it is a very personal decision and only she and her husband can know what is best for their particular situation.

[EmmyLee]

We were there too, but my DH said it, If not us, then who? He wanted a baby, not a toddler, and we even had a chance to "turn her back in for a younger referral" but we both said no in no uncertain terms. I knew for us there was no other option than to stick with it, and after all that she is coming home as a "baby" (our baby) as far as we are concerned, (though it wouldn't have mattered if she was a toddler or youngster) that would have been a fine blessing too.

It is a deeply personal decision, but those of us with tough timelines have probably all thought about it at one time or another. I also held onto my friends Suz Lockhart (and of course, edited to add wonderful, generous Dawn posting just below me) for perspective. They made me realize that it would be worth all of the heartache. If I hadn't stuck it out, I wouldn't have them in my life either.

I hope God gives them some peace, one way or the other.

[praying4rlittl1]

Good for you for wanting to reach out.

I would echo everything Johnna said. You can see from my first time that our first adoption has not gone well at all. I think the best thing you can do is to let her know that it's ok to be in that black place and feel those feelings of despair. They WILL pass. She will go through times of numbness where she wonders what is wrong with her because she can't feel. I've found that that too is normal and will pass. The heart is an amazing thing and has a way of dealing with all those blows and coming out hopeful.

I had more than once that I seriously thought I could not go on. But then I imagined "what if". "What if" I gave up..then what would happen to them? What would they think? "What if" these children were lost to the system? And I would go on one more minute, one more hour, one more day. You just keep going and hanging on to the hope that these kids will come home.

You are doing the most important thing by trying to understand. You can tell her that you honestly don't know what to say, that you are so sorry, that it isn't fair. Let her know you care so much and hate to see her go through this. Let her know that the decision she makes will be ok and that you will support her. Just knowing you care and aren't judgemental will mean so much. Know that what she says today will change and that she will likely find a strength in her heart she never knew she had. But just be there for her.

I think she will get through, but it is oh so hard. Bless you for caring. You are a great friend.

[DD Amasa]

It's true only they know what's best for them, but there is an innocent child involved. A child they made a committment to many months ago. One that most likely would have been placed with another family if they had not accepted the referral. That child, if rejected now, may never have another chance of a home and family. That has to be a consideration. Once you make a committment to a child, it ceases to be all about what's best for me. I'm not very good about letting adults off the hook just because the going gets tough when a child's well-being is at stake. Their agency probably should have better prepared them for the frustrations of this process before they decided to go ahead. It's not for everyone.

It really makes me mad at PGN if their delays are going to start causing children to lose their families.

Hopefully it will work out for the best for eveyone, especially for the child.

[KayV]

Tell them that giving up does not make things better. We gave up after over a year and not even in Family Court yet. We gave up and waited for another referral. We couldn't stop thinking about our daughter, who would adopt her now, what was she doing, how we wished we hadn't given up. One night, while waiting for a new referral, another 3 months later, we came across the photolisting of our daughter that we had given up on. She was with another agency and that agency was trying to place her after our "failed" adoption. We decided this was our second chance and no matter what, we'd see this through, so we called the agency and continued with our adoption. It took another 1 1/2 years, but she's home with us now and she was always meant to be our daughter. Giving up does not make your pain easier to bear, your friend will be in more pain than if she just hung in there. It will eventually all work out, maybe not in the timeframe she had originally planned, but it will work out.

KayV

[ShellBda]

I too have been in PGN since April & with only 1 kick out and no investigations or anything to explain the long wait. I received my sons referral last December when he was 19 days old and he will be 11 months old this month and while this has been the most difficult, emotion process I have ever been through it all comes down to the fact that he has been my son since I accepted his referral and I will wait and wait until I can bring him home. I have gone through such a roller coaster of emotions and frustrations but you get through it. No matter how bad it seems you get through it. With the help of family, friends and everyone on this forum. You are doing the right thing in providing encouragement. She needs support and guidance right now and will continue to need support. We all know what she is going through. Get her on this forum it has done so much for me!
Shell

[tybeemuffin]

Originally Posted by ShellBda

We all know what she is going through. Get her on this forum it has done so much for me!
Shell

I have mentioned to her several times that this forum would help her. I think she is a little intimdated of computers. I hope she will at least try it out.