[Tiggysgirl]

Insomnia struck last night again and I happened to be lookiing through the forums. One of the recent posts was in the adoptee support section. I almost feel like I've snooped or invaded privacy. Just what I've read broke my heart AND scared me to death.

Much of the thread talked about adoptees and the issues they had with their adoptive parents. I don't even know where or how to begin. All I know is I'm now petrified that in 5, 10, 20 years the child that I bring into my family will resent or hate me.

I just felt so sad reading the thread. I completely don't feel like an adopted child should feel obligated to love his or her adoptive parents, but I want my child to feel just that. That he or she IS my child. I guess I've been very naive in thinking that just us being completely accepting of our children was enough. Is it not?

Is there only room for one mother to child bond? Meaning that my child will have to cut out either the bond created during pregnancy with his or her first mother or never create a bond with me?

What can I do? Am I just getting scared?

[BrandyHagz]

Amy,

Just remember that the members who participate on these forums are just a small sampling of the community at large. Obviously, those adoptees who have no need to seek out a support forum aren’t going to be here, so what you’re reading is posts made by those who are out there looking for support.

While it is important to educate yourself on Adoptive Parenting – adoption has come a long way since the times when most of the adoptees posting here were children

So, get scared, educate yourself by doing some reading and then just go on…but don’t dismiss it – as you read, it does happen!

I know plenty of bio kids who don’t care for their parents this isn’t exclusive to adoption!

[Tiggysgirl]

LOL Brandy, good point. That is very true. I also know plenty of families that have two bio kids who are great kids, no problems ever and then one bio kid who is a mess.

True, everyone's different. Great points, thank you for reminding me of them!

[mommytobug]

My daugther is 7 and I secretly have these thoughts sometimes. That being said, she is very very bonded to us. We have an open adoption and she loves her first mother but she is not MOMMY and really does not want her to feel that way. I just attended an adoption seminar that did long term studies of adopted children. They were so positive. Adopted children most often make great grades, have diverse friendships, are more prone to succeed, etc. Now, you know that in every thing we encounter there are negatives.............and yes there are adults who are unhappy. I will tell you a funny story. Our social worker adopted internationally abour 25 years ago. Well, her daugther hit the teen years and started with all the you should have left me there......................she sent her there for a month with her grandmother.............daughter came back and said THANK YOU....I do not ever want to stay there that long again..........she is now working with mothers making adoption plans. Stop worrying!!

[PetDragon]

Ok, first... take a long deep breath! Then exhale sweetie!

I've visited those forums myself, altho admittedly I don't feel like an invader because I'm adopted myself. I was adopted at a week old and have known it my entire life. I can't remember ever finding out I was adopted to be honest, it was more just something I always knew.

My Mom and Dad never refered to me as their adopted daughter, nor did they refer to my brother that way. He was a year old at his adoption. I can't say that some of the folks who post on those boards don't make me worry, but I can tell you that my Mom and Dad are my Mom and Dad, my Dad died when I was 12 years old, and my Mom raised my brother and I for the most part on her own. And while yes I do have curiosity as to my Birth Parents I have to be honest, they are just that in my mind, my birth parents. All those words mean to me are that they are the people who loved me enough to let my Mom and Dad raise me. And if I do ever meet them or talk to them I'd like to thank them for that.

But honestly, my Mom and Dad are my Mom and Dad, I love them, I still call my Mom at least once a week, and I can't even imagine my life without her in it. She is my Mom.

So please, while I understand your stress and worry, please don't let it upset you so much. And always remember you are their parents, your who they will look to when they need love, understanding and everything else a Mommy and Daddy give. And yes when they get older and are mad at you for grounding them or saying no they can not drive 200 miles with 3 friends for a concert they may even tell you how much they hate you but trust me when I tell you they'd be saying that either way, adopted or not.

This is just my perspective mind you, but I hope it helps. And now true to form... I'm going to call my Mom because I've forgotten how she told me to get this darn roast ready for the grill!

[Larue]

I agree with the other posters. It's all about relationships - not blood. The fact that you're so concerned about ensuring your child feels accepted and loved in your family sounds to me like you're gonna be a wonderful Mom

[jenniem]

I, too, am concerned about this, but then I think it's only normal and a bit healthy. I am doing a lot of reading right now, as Brandy suggested.

The other thing that helps me is my adoptee friends. I have three very close friends that were all adopted as infants. One has had more of a struggle with it at certain times in her life, but mostly because she was told later on. That said, she loves her adoptive parents very much. The other two have told me that they have had fantastic lives and are grateful to their adoptive parents. They wouldn't change a thing. And one of those was abused. Amazing!

It's a loss, no doubt, for our children, but we can help them process that loss. I am very optimistic!!

[CurlysGirly]

Hi Amy,

I'm an adoptee as well. I think the difference in those that feel resentful and those that are happy (like me) is all in how you were brought up. Just like there are some biological kids that have stinky parents, such is also the case with adoptive kids.

Keeping an open dialogue with your children is important. Adoption is so different than when I was adopted (my mom can't believe how things have changed!) Just use positive words to talk about adoption (like chosen and not "given up"). We took a great class this weekend from our agency that was part of our home study that helped a lot.

Don't worry, honey, you are going to be a great mommy!

[CarmJoeMom]

I haven't read the other responses, but as you may know, DH and I are considering adopting our third child. I posted the other night in the Adoptees forum looking for some answers to questions, and then I went on to read a little. I FREAKED OUT also. Of course, everything mentioned ARE concerns of mine (and I found out from this forum are concerns of most aparents). But the lengths to what people were saying, just scared me. Now I'm back to being on the fence.

But like Brandy said, I think it all depends on the situation. it could happen with a bio child just as it could an aparent.

For me, I'm just as scared to have a third bio kid as a third adopted kid.

Also, most of the people that I saw were older. Back then adopted was more of a shush thing, and not as accepted as nowadays. They have support groups for the kids, etc. Back then it was not like this. So hopefully that helps our generation of adopted kids feel better

[vh9076]

PetDragon, good post.

I am an adoptee myself and I second PetDragon's post. My family means the world to me. I felt blessed that my birthmother had the courage to carry me to term and to give me a life with my parents. I always felt a little special that my mom and dad wanted me so much!

I have met lots of other adoptees and the drama that is on the other board is pretty isolated. Just love your child and they will love you back.

Vicki

[BrandyHagz]

I don’t want to share my entire story – but I know some of the adoptees here posted – so I wanted to post as well, just to prove that it comes from all sides

I am an adoptee, adopted a birth, and I loath my parents

HOWEVER – my reason for loathing them with a passion has nothing to do with adoption or my desires to know my blood or whatever

Just remember – there can be other extenuating circumstances that play into why an adoptee feels the way they feel.

In my case, it was bad parenting that resulted in my growing up in a group home without any ‘parents’ to speak of. They try now…but I can’t get over my treatment as a child and the resentment I hold for them keeps me from being able to form a bond with them.

Again, nothing to do with adoption – everything to do with bad parenting – which is also an equal opportunity issue.

You’ll be fine. The fact that you care just proves that you’ll be ok!

[WVUMom418]

I worried about this issue when we first started our adoption but then I took a hard look at some families around me and my own family. I know some families who have adopted and their kids grow up saying they don't want to know their bio parents because the parents who raised them are thier Mom and Dad. I also know some that say they feel empty and incomplete without knowing thier bio parents. I think a lot of it comes down to individual personality.

I have a very good friend who has bio 3 kids, even though she has raised them all the same they have all turned out so totally different. One is a straight A student in college, one has been arrested for DWI and got really poor grades and one who had no desire to even go to college. They all have such unique personalities that you would think they grew up in different families. Go figure.

I have a 20 year old son, some days I am so proud of him and other times I wonder what planet is he living on I raised him better than that. There are no guarentees with any of our kids, just like there are no instruction manuals when we have them. We can only work hard to do our best to raise them to be productive, loving adults.

[mummi2be]

I think it is always good to discuss things like this so that we take the time to read, educate ourselves and learn :-)

I work in child health and part of that also includes adoption. I can honstly say that adopted children turn out just fine, happy, well-adjusted, flexible and able to form good relationships. The highlighted problems often occur when their adoptive home didn't attach to the child, the child was made to feel ashamed of adoption or when the child was significantly older and had other risk factors. The people that seek out those forums are not the average adopted person.

Another problem I see more and more is that adoptive children exist in a fish bowl. People constantly look and seek out problems with them beause they are adopted. I will give an example. A Dr I work with and who is a friend (although after this I don't spend too much time with her) was commenting on a colleagues children. The colleague had a 28 year old and an 18 year old. What I didn't know prior to this was that the 18 year old was adopted. This Dr friend of mine was saying about how bad he was - smoking, bad grades etc. I said that hardly constituted a 'bad kid' and that many teenagers go through times where they don't fit academically etc. I mentioned that the older son also had had a time finding what his calling was and I am sure this son was settled.
'Oh no' she said 'X is adopted, there will always be something weird about him, he is bound to turn out bad because he probably came from bad people'. I at that comment felt SICK to my stomach, and politely said that whether a child is or is not adopted had nothing to do with it. Said I felt uncomfortable with this conversation (should have said that straight away) and left.

The funny thing is the Dr I mentioned has 2 of the WORSTY behaved children I have ever met. They are 7 and 8 - kick, hit, bite, scratch have pushed their mom down the steps, swear etc. They are spoiled little madams and they need the supernanny! lol But yet, if they were adopted children, people would make assumptions about thier backgrounds, etc. Do you see my point? People look for problems with adoptive families that they don't with birth families.

A lot of teenagers and young people go through something - low self esteem, smoking, bad grades at some point, eating disorder, feeling depressed or low, I think it is easy to say 'oh it is beacause they are adopted' and they may even think it is why, but it is actually not the reason they feel depressed, conflicted etc.

thanks for starting a great post. Your child will be fine and your family will be much richer through the adoption experience.

[Mariais5]

We have 5 adopted children ~ soon to be 6. They're ages are 20, 18, 13, 10, and 1... We adopted two of them when they were 6 years old, and 3 at birth including Bryce. I can assure you that we are bonded as a genuine, normal, happy, grumpy, bickering, loving, goofy, caring, and wacky family!

Just love them, be honest with them, respect their feelings, and be open with them when they ask questions. Love, honesty, respect, and openness makes a family ~ not blood.

[mombyfaith]

Great advice, Brandy!