[jjuliejchad]

Has anyone adopted a toddler that has some attachement disorder symptoms and/or behavior? Our son is more than a challenge and we are looking for some advice on how you were able to get your child to bond and be more agreeable and cooperative.

Thank you in advance for your help!

Julie

[shellysarita]

Isabel came home at 9 months and definitely showed signs of attachment issues. Her behavior was more what I expected from a toddler. I highly recommend these books: "Toddler Adoption: A Weaver's Craft" and "Attaching in Adoption." Are you tired of others not getting it? I get tired of others comparing Isabel's behavior to their children's behavior. Hello - I have 5 birthchildren. It's not like I've never raised a child before and don't have anything to compare her behavior to. All her negative behavior seems to be multiplied by 10 compared to a child who joined the family at birth. It can be exhausting. She throws tantrums - and I mean TANTRUMS - with hitting and kicking and screaming. She can keep it up a LONG TIME before she wears herself out. Any little thing can set her off and it's totally unpredicatable. Wht sets her off one day maynever set her off any other day.

Blessings!
Shelly

[praying4rlittl1]

Julie,
How old is your little guy and how long has he been home?

[JohnnaMJH]

I adopted a 3yo who had a very traumatic separation from his FM. She did nothing to make him at ease and in fact probably made it 100 times worse, although it probably would've been hard no matter what.

Anyway, I saw an attachment therapist shorly after he came home.

Some advice, shrink his world. Leave out minimal toys and keep to a very good routine. You can even have him play on a blanket near you, like a baby would do since in terms of attachment, he is more like an infant. Set strict rules and keep to them. Do not lose your temper (I failed at this all the time, but it is the ideal) rather calmly give consequences for breaking the rules. Ritualize things, bedtime, weekly church services, etc. Establishing rituals helps build a foundation as part of your family. Our therapist even suggested a certain time each week for looking at his old pictures and talking about the past. Play games w/eye contact, like peek a boo, or I would look in the car rear view mirror and smile and make faces. We didn't co sleep, which was fine by the therapist. At first I had him fall asleep in our bed and moved him to the small bed in our room, then I had him fall asleep in our room while I was on our bed, then I tucked him in and left, then he moved to a room with his brothers. This part took close to 9mos.

Good luck, it is very hard, but they make progress little by little and finally after some time you realize that you've made big strides. Also, you may want to read Love and Logic for some advice. Attachment disordered kids are not always logical in their thinking (otherwise they would attach to you and see why that was a good thing!) but the techniques for dealing with things in a rational manner are helpful.

[csw]

My daughter had and still has what is called "anxious" attachment..I couldn't put her down, turn my back to her, go to the bathroom by myself without her having to be on my lap..she took six months to sleep at night or take a nap more than 5-10 min..

What really helped me, was practicing attachment parenting techniques..even though Ana was 9.5 months old when I got her home..she exhibited MANY of the same behaviours as in the book The Weavers Craft.

We co-bathed..I carried her in a sling for hours a day..
We practiced therapeutic infant massage techniques,
had skin to skin contact, co-sleep, did adoptive nursing while in Guatemala earlier etc..

What you may need to do with him..is no. 1...treat him like an infant, even though he is 4 years old..
Give him a bottle if he wants it..and hold it for him..
Buy a carrier that goes up to 60 lbs, specifically for older kids..there is the Ergo that goes up to 40 lbs..but there is another one just for toddlers that is up to 60 lbs or more..Ana is over 30 lbs and I still "wear" her..
With the Ergo my back in never sore....
Skin to skin contact..co bath, give him massages..

He has had 2 of his primary caretakers leave..
How hard for him..maybe he is afraid you will leave also..so he doesn't want to get too attached for fear you will leave..

One suggestion, and this sounds strange..is to feed him ice cream while he is on your lap..
The lactose in the ice cream will illicit the same feelings in him that a nursing baby would experience..the bonding etc..

[DPline]

I am so sorry your son is having a difficult time. If you haven't done so already, do a search for posts by angelkisses0102 or PM her. She is a great resource for information on attachment issues. Also definetly check out the Attachment and Bonding forum for other people with a lot of experience and advice.

Praying you are able to find your son the help he needs. (((hugs)))

[angelkisses0102]

I posted some ideas in your x-post...a couple more...you will notice that most advice is very similiar.

For the University of Minnesota International Adoption Clinic...part of her article...and then some activities to promote attachment from a China website...but it doesn't matter..they will still work. Oh, personally if you did not follow the suggestions for the first 6-9 months...I would go back and start all over again...basically pretend you just walked off the plane and begin to impliment asap.

I have a bunch of links which I found beneficial in helping my son through his struggle to bond and attach and simply trust that we would not leave him too. PM me if you would like them...I can't post a lot of the info as it violates the TOS.

Hang in there.

Fostering the Parent-Child Attachment Relationship
by Mary Chesney, R.N, C.P.N.P., M.S.

.....For the newly arrived adopted child who is presented with a daily continuous stream of well-wishing extended family, friends, neighbors and babysitters, it may be confusing to distinguish parents from other caregivers. Likewise, it may be difficult for adoptive parents to find quality one-on-one time to meaningfully interact with their child if too many social demands are placed on the newly adoptive family. Frequently, extended family and friends are anxious to be part of the adopted child's life. Unknowingly, they may view the child's indiscriminately friendly overtures as charming and cute, or reinforce behaviors that may delay the child's ability to develop a needed preference for parents. The best gifts extended family members and friends can give the newly adopted child is the gift of understanding how foundational and vital a close relationship with parents is for the child and the gift of supporting the adoptive parents and child in this effort. For these reasons, the International Adoption Clinic staff has developed a number of practical recommendations to be implemented by the adoptive family during the first 6 to 9 months after adoption.
Recommendations for the First 6 to 9 Months
Our list of recommendations is based on the collective years of experience of our team of adoption health care specialists and has evolved over time. In presenting these recommendations, I would like to acknowledge the collaborative contributions of my clinic colleagues, Dana Johnson, MD, PhD, Angela Sidler, MD, Stacene Maroushek, MD, Kay Dole, OTR, Sandy Iverson, RN, CNP, Mary Jo Spencer, RN, CNP, and Maria Kroupina, PhD. "

• We recommend a low-keyed arrival scene as you return home from your child's country of origin. It is usually best to avoid having a large crowd greet you. Your child should stay in your arms and should not be passed to others.
• Develop daily routines and rituals, and stick to them as much as possible. In keeping mealtimes, bedtimes and playtimes consistent, your child will begin to feel that each day has a predictability and structure to it. This is comforting for the child who is experiencing a period of incredible change and transition from orphanage to adoptive family.
• We recommend that parents, as much as possible, be the only persons to feed, change, bathe, dress, rock to sleep, or comfort their child. We think it is helpful for your newly adopted child to practice having needs consistently met by you, the parent.
• When extended family members or friends bring gifts for your child, we recommend that you have your child sit with you and that you hand the gift to your child or assist your child in opening the gift. You may want to say something like "Look, Annie. Grandma brought you a present. You may open it now."
• In the beginning, you may want to advise relatives and friends ahead of time that they should ask your permission to pick up your child or do an activity with your child. Each time they ask permission, your child is hearing them reference you as the important decision-maker for activities that involve your child. This may provide your child with practice in referencing you before embarking on a new experience.
• In large group gatherings, like adoption shower parties, let guests know ahead of time that you will be holding your child and that you will not be passing your child around from person to person. Overall, we advise avoiding large group gatherings during your child's first few months home. A previously institutionalized child does not need trips to Disneyworld or a day of shopping at the mall. What he or she needs more than anything is lots of concentrated one-on-one time with a warm, loving and sensitive parent.
• Spend as much one-on-one time with your child as possible. Your child does not need to be surrounded by lots of toys. In fact, being surrounded by too many toys and an overly stimulating environment may be overwhelming. Instead, choose one or two toys and get down on the floor with your child, and play with the toys in an interactive manner with your child. Use lots of facial expressions and face-to-face gestures like peek-a-boo or rubbing noses together. Watch your child for cues that he or she may be getting overwhelmed or tired, and then switch to a soothing, comforting activity such as rocking your child.

We believe that all of these steps may assist your child in seeing you as the essential "gatekeeper(s)" through which all good things in life come. The goal is to help your child realize that you are the one(s) to meet his or her needs, to be trusted, and with whom to seek close contact.
Sometimes, despite undertaking the above recommendations, parents may notice their child is having a difficult time in developing an appropriate attachment relationship. If you feel you and your child are experiencing difficulties, you may want to seek the help of a trusted professional, hopefully someone with lots of experience in working with internationally adopted children. Unfortunately, a flurry of mass media reports has highlighted problems with a number of "attachment therapists" who are recommending therapies that are not only untried and unproven, but may be potentially dangerous or lethal. We at the International Adoption Clinic encourage parents to seek reputable therapists. If a treatment or therapy is recommended for your child that you, as a parent, feel is abusive or questionable, we urge you to trust your instincts and not condone or allow such treatment. We encourage you to seek a second opinion from a trusted and experienced physician, nurse practitioner or child psychologist.

These are suggestions from therapists and parents of RAD kids

1. Wear infant in a chest carrier, all day if possible, facing IN.
2. Mom should initially be the only person who is meeting the baby's needs. Baby needs to build a bond with one person first, then she can branch out to others.
3. Bathe together, to promote skin to skin contact. Baby & Mom can wear the same lotion so baby associates scent with mom.
4. If you use cologne (or if you don't, use your shampoo), place a tiny bit on her arm so she has your smell with her at all times.
5. Laminate loving family pictures of you together and put around her crib and other places.
6. Outline her body, as well as your own on huge sheets of newsprint. Color them (great activity). Tape the "portraits" to her ceiling.
7. When feeding her something she particularly likes, tell her you are a good mommy/daddy. Telling her with words that you are a good mommy is important -- otherwise, how would she know?!
8. Play with dolls to act out how parents always return after child goes to day care, babysitter, bed, etc.
9. Draw cartoon panels of the day's routine, so that your child can see that Mom and Child always come back to the same home together. Anxiety and stress can interfere with auditory processing, so it is important to use something visual that can be held in the hand.
10. Give your child a laminated picture of the family to carry with her all the time.
11. Limit choices. At first parents should make all decisions, including foods, toys and clothes. This helps the child feel safe. Then as the child becomes accustomed to the new family, limited choices can be given, e.g. a choice between 2 foods.
12. Dress alike. Wear the same colors, type of outfit, accessories, hairstyle, etc. and point out how you look alike.
13. Claim your child. Tell her she belongs to you. Give her a big hug and say "MINE!" Make up songs about your family, e.g.:
    I am your Mom
    You're my sweet girl
    Just like a pearl
    so rare and precious
    You are mine
    and I am yours
    'Cause together we're a family.

Encourage Eye Contact

"Look in my eyes. Don't look away" - Mr. Soil from Bug's Life

1. Bottle feed no matter what the age. Encourage eye contact by gently touching her cheek. DO NOT let her hold the bottle. Nourishment has to come from parent(s); be sure to hold her when feeding.
2. If she turns away (avoiding eye contact) try placing a large mirror accross from you. That way, when she turns away, she will see herself in your embrace.
3. Continue to hold her in your gaze. It may take a long time for her to glance at you. When she finally does, be ready with a warm, loving, approving smile. This sounds little, but is really big and pays big rewards in our experience.
4. Encourage eye contact by gently tapping the bridge of her nose and yours as a hand-signal to look at you.
5. Stroke her cheek.
6. Put her hands on your cheeks. Children's eyes often go where their hands are.
7. Play Peek-a boo. This develops the concept of object permanence (that even if you can't see something, it's still there). For kids who are still anxious about Mommy leaving, repeat "Where's the Baby? Here's the Baby! Where's Mommy? Here's Mommy! Mommy goes to work, Mommy comes home!" to emphasize the message that Mommy always comes back.
8. Have baby pull a sticker off your nose - and put it back.
9. Wear a stick-on dot or earring as a "beauty mark."
10. Stare into each other's eyes. If your child can keep eye contact for 20 seconds, feed her a chocolate kiss or candy heart. Increase the amount of time.
11. MUSICAL NOSE - Sing a song and let your child pinch your nose so you sound very silly. You stop singing if she breaks eye contact.
12. MUSICAL SWING - put child in baby swing. Face her as you push. Encourage eye contact by singing a song, and stopping if she looks away.
13. Fill your cheeks with air. Have child "pop" them.
14. Take turns feeding each other. This works great with raisins, cheerios, and popcorn.
15. Eskimo kisses - rub noses and stare into each others eyes.
16. Play in front of a mirror. Make faces, paint Mommy's face, trace each other's faces on the mirror with washable marker, finger paint with shaving cream. Let your child be your puppet and make her dance. Make dolls dance. Any kind of game that gets your child to relax and meet your eyes in the mirror, will likely get her relaxed enough to meet your eyes directly.
17. Instead of using an actual mirror, take turns being each other's mirror. Sit face to face, and have your child imitate every facial movement you make, and vice versa. Then try it with your whole body, mirroring each other's movements.
18. For an older child, try lipreading with each other. While you're not really getting eye contact, you're at least looking at each other's faces.

Games which Encourage Attachment

1. Play hide and seek (also develops object permanence).
2. Play catch! Roll a ball back and forth (teaches reciprocity). Throwing or batting a balloon back and forth may be easier than throwing a ball for little ones.
3. Hold baby in your arms and dance with her. A very synchronous activity.
4. Swim together.
5. Paint each others faces with paint, power, or just pretend.
6. Put lotion on each other.
7. A Memory game but with a more personal touch: Have your child look you over very carefully. Then leave the room and return after you've changed something about yourself. See if she can figure out what is different. It could be something really obvious for younger kids, like taking off a sweater, but for older kids you could get more challenging, like buttoning one more button on the sweater.
8. Guess the Goodies: Put several small treats in a bag or cup. child closes their eyes. You pop a treat in their mouth and they try to guess what it is.
9. Tunnels: Parents kneel on floor forming a tunnel. Child crawls through the tunnel as fast as they can before the tunnel collapses. first few times let child get completely through, then have it gently collapse onto child.
10. Pillow ride: have child sit on big floor pillow and you drag them around the room. You only move when given eye contact.
11. M&M hockey: Use bendy straws and blow candy across table to other persons goal. When you score a goal, the opponent feeds you the candy.
12. Marshmallow fight: Each person uses a pillow as a shield. Sit on the floor and throw marshmallows at each other. Gets wild and crazy and is a lot of fun. Can do the same with crumpled paper.
13. Crawling into arms: Child starts in corner of room. Cannot start until adult says go. Start by saying "lo", "mo" etc. instead of "go" to help child learn to attend better. Then child crawls across room as fast as they can to you. You are standing on other side of room and make a large circle with arms. Child needs to stand up in the circle. gradually reduce the size of the circle and gets a big reward of kisses hugs and/or a treat.
14. Jumping across pillows to arms: set up pillow islands in a pattern across floor. Child starts at one end, you are at the other. Child starts when you direct them to as noted above. Child jumps across the islands and into your arms.
    Finding goodies. Hide candies on yourself and child needs to find them.
15. Donut Dare: You hold a donut on your finger through the hole and the child sees how many bites they can take before it falls off.
16. Lifesavers on Licorice String: Put each end of shoestring licorice in yours and childs mouth (helps to tie a knot so that it stays in mouth better). Have a gummy lifesaver on the string. By standing up and maneuvering without hands, feed the lifesavers to each other.

Circle of Love

My daughter is 4, and for a long time didn't quite "get" who she could be affectionate with, and who deserved a handshake or less. We took a long sheet of paper (therapist suggestion) and drew a big heart on one end and drew pictures of our immediate family within it. This was "our family circle of love", and we discussed how we can always act lovingly toward anyone in our immediate family circle (*HINT* draw your daughter's birthmother in there too! I didn't think of it and it came back at me later!). Then, in smaller descending hearts we drew extended family, then friends, then doctors, mail carriers, casual babysitters etc. We talked about appropriate behavior for her toward each group, practiced scenarios, and I also gave her permission to NOT hug or kiss anyone outside her immediate family.
What I had been thinking was totally an attachment issue really turned out to be, for us, a missed-rung on the post-institutional developmental ladder...the mural idea gave us lots to discuss, and very much helped her behaviors.
Sensory Activities

Mouth - to improve speech

1. Lots of bubble blowing.
2. Drinking with a straw, especially thick milkshakes.
3. Whistle blowing (I know, it can become irritating to mom real fast).
4. Party blowers -- the ones that un-curl and then curl back up again.
5. Provide different kinds of textures to move around -- both with his tongue and with his hands: baby peas, rice, couscous, puddings, jello. Paint a plate with chocolate pudding and then eating it off the plate and hands is fun -- although you might want to try a colored plate and vanilla pudding if your child is under two.
6. Wake up his taste buds -- sour candies like Sweet Tarts, chili, pepper, mustard, paprika, pickles -- anything with vinegar. Learning the sour taste is especially important.
7. Tapping very lightly above the upper lip above the gum line--but NOT on the midline.
8. Making "mouth music."
9. Tear tissue in small pieces or strips and blow it across the table top.

Tactile - Loubee, Dobee Time

One mom uses Creamy Style Vaseline, and makes lotion time an attachment activity time with these games:

1. Pass the lotion. Get lots of lotion on your hand and let your daughter try to get all of it off, and then pass it back and forth.
2. Slippy hands. After lotioning pretend to hold on tight to each others' hands and then "whoops" slip off backwards with lots of exageration and laughter.
3. Hand Stacking. Place your hand on the bottom, then one of your daughters, then yours, then your daughters. Slip your bottom hand out and put it on top. Just keep on going to "build the stack".
4. Lotion painting. Paint pictures on eack other and then rub them in and start over.

[jjuliejchad]

I wanted to thank you for your help. I have read all of the books that were listed and they were helpful, but he needs more than I can give him. We finally were able to get an appointment with an attachement specialist and we are hoping he will be able to help us and our son. Thank you again for all of the information.

Julie

[waiting4james]

Don't rule out that aside from attachment issues he may also have a mood disorder or something else contributing to it. Not saying that he does, but we recently discovered that our son does have a mood disorder, and I wonder how much of his difficulty in the beginning may have stemmed from it - no parenting or attachment technique would have taken away rages that were chemical, it just never occurred to me then.

It's very emotional when they aren't bonding as quickly as you'd like, so many many hugs to you. If I could go back and change one thing it would be to lower my expectations of him, and just try to enjoy the progress he made as he did. I didn't think so at the time, but in hindsight, I think I expected too much of him. I think you are doing the right thing getting help early on. Try to stay positive, it will get better.

Chelsea