[Mandy4President]

So I am talking with my MIL today and she told me that she thinks I am stupid for two reasons (only two? That's improvement, I guess)

First: She doesn't believe that we should tell Addy that she is adopted. Ummmm...you think she is not going to notice that she doesn't look a thing like us? All my kids have blonde hair...blue eyes...none of us have brown...I don't even know where to go with this. She doesn't think that I ever need to show Addy her birthmom's picture because after all, if she sees her picture she may want to look for her! Oh my! How do I pound it into her head that I am telling Addy that she is adopted (um, seriously, duh) and not only that but teaching her about her native culture. OMG! The earth might just turn upside down!!!!

Second: She doesn't believe in all this "attachment nonsense:. She has told me in no uncertain terms that she plans on being at my house when we arrive home with Addyson (mind you, this is probably going to be at eight at night) and she WILL hold her WHENEVER she wants. I hope, in all my DIL evilness, that Addyson SCREAMS when she sees her (if she pulled her hair or something that would be okay too). But she won't, because unfortunately my MIL is one of those people that babies just love. However, I do NOT want Addyson just passed around the first day that she is home, especially when she has just traveled for 10-12 hours. What the heck am I going to do about this without starting a family battle (mind you it took me three months to get her to talk to me after we begun the adoption).

HELP!!!!

[vickibunni]

We are taking a week off to go to Fl for just this reason. We want to make sure they baby isn't passed around for at least a week so that she can begin to bond with us. We figured it would cause less problems if we just didn't come home right away and since we husband is taking several weeks off we figured why not go on a vacation. Maybe you can at least spend a few days somewhere else bonding??

Sorry to hear about all of this. That is too bad.

Vicki

[Summerbaby06]

I'm sorry, but this woman sounds out of control. However, maybe I am not one to speak, as we have cut my husband's mother out of our lives because of her inability to control herself with her comments and emotional meltdowns, not to mention she doesn't understand the meaning of the word "boundary." First of all, your daughter will figure out she is adopted, so you need to tell her when you and your husband decide. Turninng it into a weird, big secret will just make her feel out of place someday when she is older. You tell your MIL what you will be doing with your own child! Second, your MIL does not need to be there the night Addy gets home if she is not invited. It may cause a huge scene, but start preparing her now! Tell her it will only be your family, not extended family. I am sorry for you, I am shuddering in horror reading about how controlling she is. Your MIl had her chance in life to raise her chldren and she raised them how she wanted to, now it is your turn. You are the protector of your babies and you know what is best for them.

[shoegirl06]

What are the chances that you can avoid telling her your flight plans?? If she doesn't know anything, you can arrive home in peace! That's what we're going to do with my very own mother - there's no getting through to her!!!

[JohnnaMJH]

Honestly I think it is your dh's place to speak with her and tell her to cool it. I don't know that he has to threaten her with not seeing Addyson, but it could come to that. Basically she is behaving terribly from what you said and it seems like if she can't change, she shouldn't be around. I am sorry, it sounds horrible. The nerve of trying to tell you how things will be when your daughter comes home. . . that really irks me.

Good luck,

[AnasMama]

I hope she tears her hair out too! LOL!!! MAybe you can show her a good adoption book which states that it is healthy for a child to know they are adopted! Obviously, no matter what you tell her, she is going to know more than you any way! Especially since she has never adopted herself!

[giovanni7460]

I guess somehow I wish I was in your shoes. My MIL stopped talking to us the day she saw Giovannis referral picture. She said he was to dark. She could not understand how we could adopt a Hispanic baby. Why couldnt we try to adopt a white baby and why didnt we try harder to have a bio one. This after many IUI's and IVF's, and two big time surgeries. Its sad she will never know Giovanni or our new little one Antonio. Oh and by the way maybe I should mention that she is from Peru. Yes, Hispanic herself and much darker then my son.
Sorry I am not much help on this.
Patty
mommy to Giovanni
lost our Mateo
new mommy to Antonio 7/14/06

[Tamiswaiting]

Originally Posted by vickibunni

We figured it would cause less problems if we just didn't come home right away and since we husband is taking several weeks off we figured why not go on a vacation. Maybe you can at least spend a few days somewhere else bonding??

What a great idea!

[jules17]

Oh my, Mandy! I am so sorry for you and sorry for your MIL (she sure is missing out with a closed mind!) I don't know exactly what you are going through, but I can relate.

FIRST, you are Addyson's mother. YOU. That means that you and DH make the decisions regarding her, whether it be when she gets held and by whom or what you tell/show her about her adoption. I usually pull the ol' "We're sorry you feel that way, but we have decided blah blah blah." End of discussion.

It sounds like she isn't open to understanding, which bugs!

It also sounds like she is very opinionated, which is hard to communicate with!! Would she take boundaries better if they came from DH??

Hang in there, girl. You are going to have your precious Addyson and no one can diminish that joy!

[Mandy4President]

I wish we could. This is the same woman that insists on having Addyson's coming home party by her house because what would people do at mine? (probably the same thing they'd do at hers - stand around!) She also wants to have Addysons first birthday party and baptism party. Did I mention that we live an hour and a half away? So everytime she has a party WE have to drive THERE. So recently she just planned Addysons party. I didn'thave much say.

Oh, should I mention that when I got married she also changed my bridesmaids dresses without asking me? Didn't even get the right color. See what I'm dealing with?

Many of our conversations begin with her saying "Dad and I have decided (insert something she doesn't agree with here)."

[Julaine]

Ok Does she really think Addy will not realize she was adopted ? And what is wrong with being adopted anyway ? My bio mom died when I was one year and one week old. My dad remarried when I was two. My parents never mentioned this to me. When I went to school (very very small town) the children started teasing me about my mom not being my mom and I went home crying ! Would have been much better if my parents had prepared me for that rather than find out how I did !
And I agree ! Addy needs to bond with her immediate family ! We have already warned everyone that we will not be allowing a lot of people around until we know how our little one is doing !

[healingfeeling]

hey there pheonix

hope you don't mind me posting....i've been following your mil stories...

why on earth is your husband putting up with this? has he spoken to her? where are the boundries in this relationship if she is TELLING you that she'll be there when you get home and underminding you on such huge issues, like attachment and being honest with your daughter about her origins.....

you mil makes me mad! sorry you have to deal with her

[AngelQT]

Tell your MIL that you are coming home a day later than you really are!

Then show up at her door step!

That would really make her crap!
HUGS

[jules17]

Oh, Mandy, PUT THE BRAKES ON. NOW! Don't pass Go, don't collect $200!

[saranbr]

Where is your DH in all of this?? It really ought to be his issue to tell his mother the facts of life. We used to have very similar issues with my DH's parents-- thought they could demand to spend time with us anytime, say nasty and inappropriate things, all without consequence (and why not? they'd been doing this with him for the first 25 years of his life...then his evil wife showed up ). Finally after a big fight I told DH it was them or me and I guess he got the picture as he's been "handling" them since.

Addy is your baby and your responsibility to protect and provide a suitable environment for attachment for her. That said, best wishes....