[judybwise]

I haven't posted in quite a long time. Since we brought Ana home a little over a year ago, my time on the internet is limited. Ana was three years old when we brought her home in July '05. She turned 4 in November and she has really amazed all of us with her adjustment. She really has bonded with me and it took a little longer with her Daddy, but now she is crazy about him. She has also grown very close to her siblings. The only problem we have is at bedtime. The funny thing is, it only began a few months ago. She cries every night because she says she is afraid she will not go to sleep and that she will stay awake all night. I really feel like all of this has a connection to her abandonment and the fears that she may be experiencing alone in her room. She doesn't understand or remember anything because she was only 18 months old when her bio father abandoned her (there was no report of a mother). I was wondering if anyone else has had similar experiences and what things you did to help your child through this time. I have done everything in the book to help her through this, but she is still crying and she begins crying as soon as she knows bedtime is approaching. She is even doing this at naptime. Other than this, Ana is very happy and well-adjusted. This is breaking my heart. She really worries about this. She is just so smart!

[sassycindy]

What a bummer! My friend brought a girl home from China when she was about 2 and she did the same thing, plus lots of screaming in the night.

I'm sure you've tried everything, but here are some things that come to mind--what about lying down with her until she falls asleep? letting her sleep in your room? letting her share a room with one of her siblings?

Good luck!

[sassycindy]

hi,
ok, i just went back and looked over ages--probably not realistic to let her room with a sibling! But I'm also surprised that she is still napping at all at age 4--maybe she is fighting it because she doesn't need one and she is fighting bedtime because she's not tired from napping?

[JohnnaMJH]

Well, my almost 5yo still naps and goes to bed at 8pm with no problem, so I think that is a matter of YMMV with each kids. My daughter also napped through K, while my other sons gave them up at about 3.

My son cried every night for months after we brought him home (at age 3). At bedtime, I just stayed with him until he fell asleep (in our bed) and then transferred him to the other bed in our room when we went to bed. After about 3 mos, I would tell him that he needed to go to bed when I tucked him in (still in my room) and I would lie down in my bed and then leave after a few minutes. At first he screamed, but after consulting with an attchment therapist, we continued and after a while, he did fine. Then we repeated the same routine when I would just tuck him in and not stay at all. And again, after a few times, he stopped. Funnily, after we put him in his own room, he never once cried. He was actually excited about being a big boy in his own big boy bed w/his bother and was suddenly excited to go bed.

If I were in your shoes I would try staying in with her for a while and then leaving. Also, and you probably do this, have a predictable bedtime routine, bath story, etc. It's complex and each child is so different. Hopefully it is a phase but won't last too long.

Good luck,

[judybwise]

Thanks for the advice. Yes we have tried many of those things. Ana fights sleep. She goes to preschool and she must nap there or rest quietly. If she gets still, she sleeps. The weird thing about this is that she has slept in her own room almost since we brought her home. The first few weeks she slept in a toddler bed in our room, but she was excited about moving into her own room. She has slept there (across the hall from our room) ever since...with no problems. I feel that she has attached to us so well that she is having difficulty with the emotional closeness and maybe fears abandonment subconsiously. Or maybe I am over analyzing everything! I have been lying down with her and she clings to me and continually asks me if I will stay the whole time with her. I always tell her that I will stay until she falls asleep (if she will be a big girl anad not cry). I am just so exhausted with all of this and trying to get up early for work the next day and get everything done the night before while still making time to lay down with her. We have a bedtime routine and we stick to it...she would not allow anything else. She is a stickler about those things! Thanks again for the help! we'll keep trying!

[mary c]

Recently I read something about this specific issue -- In a way you have to take her back through some of her earlier stages. i.e., rock her at night, (i know, kind of hard for her age), put her in the bed and sleep with her or put another bed in the room and sleep in that. try telling her mom is right here, mom will be right here, etc. eventually you will be able to go back to your own bed.

i know i'm really brief, sorry. i'm interested to hear how everything goes. i am thinking about what it would be like to adopt an older child . . . (someday i would like to)

best wishes,
mary
mom to guatemalan baby girl!!!!

[Maria'sMom]

Just to put a different spin on this: my bio son has just started this (about 4 nights ago!). He tells me that he is not going to sleep, and that he is going to stay awake. Before 4 nights ago, he was the perfect sleeper! He went to bed at 8:30 pm and would sleep until around 9:30 am without any interruptions. And he never gave any protests about going to bed. But now....!! He will think up every excuse in the book to not go to sleep. The worst ones are that he needs "to hold mommy" or "give mommy (or daddy) a kiss" and so on. Those just break my heart. He also yells out that his diaper needs to be changed (it doesn't!) hoping when we check on him that he will not have to go back to bed. We are a little at our wits' ends! And we leave for Guatemala on Thursday -- perfect timing!!

Anyway, the only reason I am going into this is because perhaps it is not all abandonment issues with your daughter? Maybe this is something many children (adopted or bio) go through? In any event, I wish you the best and I hope your little Ana starts having good night sleeps real soon!

[DPline]

I was thinking the same as Maria'sMom. That maybe it isn't as deep-seated as you are thinking. My bio son is older (turns 8 today) but he has been doing something similar on and off for the last couple months. He will jump out of bed every 5 minutes saying that he can't sleep, he is never going to be able to go to sleep, he wants to sleep in our room, etc. I remember doing this at around his age too.

My 2.5 year old daughter, since she went into a toddler bed, does a version of this too. Not upset, but like Maria'sMom said, every excuse in the book not to go to bed. ("Mommy, I NEED you!" diaper changes, drinks, etc.)

It is harder since your daughter is younger, but something that works well for us is books on tape and music tapes with a kids' tape player. A lot of nights it provides a "distraction" and he is asleep before the first story ends.

Good luck! I hope you can find something that will have you all sleeping well very soon!

[gaben]

I'm wondering if she is trying to stay awake because she knows you will leave when she falls asleep - so she frets and tries to stay awake. Once a child is overtired their body automatically begins to fight sleep and it is very difficult for them to calm themselves, and of course she's upset to begin with. She may be afraid of abandonment, most children don't like the idea of being separated from their parents at night anyway, but she has real abandonment issues as well. The thing for you to remember is that by leaving her at night, you are NOT abandoning her, she sees you every morning, whether you stay with her awhile at night or not. So take care of yourself, so you can take care of her!



Melissa
Mom to two wonderful boys from Guatemala

[judybwise]

I am so grateful for all of the good ideas! Many of these things we have tried and some we have not. Right now I am at work (Director of her preschool) and she is crying over naptime. The staff have noticed that she only does this when I am nearby and she knows I can hear her. I really don't know if she is just "playing" me or she really is having issues. I am trying to go with the latter to give her the benefit of doubt. My older children went through slight sleep issues, but I knew what was going on with them because of our history together. This time around is different. (I'm older now and I need my sleep lol! ) I have been to the store and bought relaxation music anad books and I have given her the option to look at books and listen to music, but she says it doesn't help. She keeps telling me that she can't get her mind off of the fact that she's afraid she won't sleep. I admit she obsesses about the time continually and she gets very stressed when we change our routine. I try very hard to keep things on schedule and we stick to the same routine every night. I will keep you guys updated when things get better and I'll share what works....when I find it. Thanks again!!!