[starryeyes]

Has anyone gone on a visit trip and been worried the baby just won't like them? Mine is 16 months. What if he hates me and runs from me or something?

All kids and animals love me, but it would be just my luck my future son would not want to leave his foster mom and cry for days. I expect that at first, just hopefully it won't last longer than a few hours?

[mom2dominic]

I worry about that too!!! My son right now is 9mos and I keep dreading the fact that he might flip out when I go for pick up. This is the "seperation anxiety" age & time frame and the whole thing just makes me nervous

[maxattack]

Don't panic! It will be FINE!
I do know exactly where you are coming from! Before I went to visit, I was so freaked out and worried that we wouldn't connect. I had a meltdown in the elevator just before meeting my little one! Thank goodness my mom told me to pull myself together, and just do it....! I feel SO much better after meeting and spending the weekend with my daughter. They cry, as expected, but they also attach. You will be wonderful! Go and find out!

[jeannecr]

I have worried about that, too. The first 24 hours of our visit, I think he was uncomfortable being in a new place with new people. At that was at only 3.5 months! But, the good part is that no matter what, your son will learn that you are caring for him, and he will settle down. To me, the visit is about starting to learn about each other. The bonding process is lifelong....

[starryeyes]

Thanks, everyone. That made me feel a lot better - I am going to remember your words of wisdom.

[Pipercub]

I think it is so, so important that we all read up on and be thoroughly immersed with the knowledge of bonding and attachment issues that we might face as adopted parents. I think one of the most under-talked about aspects of adoption are setting realistic expectations for our first meeting and accepting the possibility of post-adoption depression. We all go into our adoptions with expectations - which may or may not be fulfilled. It is so important for us to be totally honest with ourselves what those expectations are - and give ourselves permission to admit if/when those expectations don't quite add up to what we had hoped. Honestly, an older child probably isn't going to instantly warm up to a perfect stranger. You may not get all those wonderful warm, fuzzy feelings from the first second you meet. But - that's okay! In all honesty, a child who cries when their caregiver leaves can be a really good indicator that they are capable of bonding and attachment. You will be able to bond with your child. He will love you back. Be gentle with yourself and know that while that first meeting may not go exactly like you've pictured, it will be very special and it's just the first of many times you'll get to share together. Time will strengthen your bond.

I read a good book a while back (sorry! I can't remember the title off hand) that talked about the different reactions adopting parents may have after that first meeting if things don't go as they had thought they would. The list had anger, sadness, panic, denial, and avoidance. I remember looking over the list and thinking "What?! How stupid is this?" But then I took time to read the explanations and it made sense. For months, (and for lots of us years) we've built up this dream scenario in our heads of how it will go. It will be sunny. We will wake up from a solid 9 hours of sleep and enjoy an extravagent breakfast buffet. A cheerful caregiver will arrive precisely at the determined time and hand off a clean, giggling child who instantly clings to us and offers up happy smiles. LOL, Well - at least that's how it goes in MY head. (Getting food poisoning, missing luggage or being rejected at the first meeting never quite seem to factor into the way I picture it. Hehe) The book then went on to explain, whether we realize it or not, babies have their own ideas of how things will go. (Not necessarily consciously) They will expect that you will know exactly when they are hungry. How tight they like their diaper fastened. How warm they want their milk. Which side they like to lie on. Which direction they want to face when held. When they will not want to be held.....And guess what? Short of being mind readers, we're not gonna get it perfect from the start! Those emotions I mentioned before that adopting parents experience when the expectations aren't quite fulfilled - yeah, the child can experience them too. I guess what I'm trying to say is that both adopting parents and their children may have their own great expectations of how things will go, but we all need to be willing to be patient with each other (and ourselves!) if they aren't fulfilled. This isn't to say it's going to be all doom and gloom. If I had to guess, you're going to have a wonderful time. I just want to encourage you to have realistic expectations and don't be too hard on yourself if there are a few bumps. I'm sure you will be able to adjust and I just can't wait to hear how it goes for you. {{{Lots of Hugs}}}

[starryeyes]

Thank you so much, Piper. I am actually printing out these posts to take with me if that is okay with all of you.

[chriscinger]

We are adopting a 7 year old girl, and I had butterflies in my stomach for a week before I went on my visit trip. I was so afraid that she wouldn't like me, that we wouldn't be able to communicate, and that there would be behavior problems. But the moment we met she took hold of my hand, and everything was fine. My Spanish was adequate, and she corrected me if I said something wrong. She behaved beautifully, gave me hugs, and we had a great five days together. I wouldn't worry about your baby not liking you. They are resilient and adapt to new situations fairly easily. Just enjoy each other. You will do fine!

[starryeyes]

Thanks, Cindy!

[JillnChris]

Beautifully said Piper.
I agree that it is very normal and a good sign if your child is weary of strangers, it means that he is developing normal social/emotionall skills. And soon enough you will bond and then you will be the one he turns to when strangers approach.



Best of luck...Jill

[KJones5]

We went to visit our son when he was 2 1/2 months old. He thought we were funny and he seemed to like us just fine.

We we went to pick him up when he was nearly 6 months old, boy what a different story. This kid had no interest in us. Cried for hours on end. It was so bad in the hotel that at 10:00 p.m. our neighbor (who had 6 month old twins) came over and said "I think your baby has gas -- here's some gas medicine". At 11:00 she came back and said, "I think your baby needs to go for a walk -- here's our stroller". At 1:00 a.m. she came back and said "I think you need to drug him - here's some benedryl". We laugh now but weren't laughing then!!!! Anyhow, we had a Friday Embassy appt and were in GUA until Tuesday. Which ended up being a good thing because it gave us more time to bond with him before he met the family. It took him a few days and then he came around. Looking back, it took him a few weeks when we came home before he was comfortable. When he first came home we pushed him around the house a lot in the stroller as that was the only thing that would comfort him.

He's fine now. He appears to be happy and well adjusted.

Just put yourself in your child's shoes and think about how you would feel if you went to live with a family you knew nothing about, they spoke a different language and they were always hugging and kissing you!

Like everything, all good things require a little work! Don't worry -- you'll be fine!

[mom2b2alex]

Hi Kim...I know exactly how you feel. We've been home two weeks today from picking up our 20 month old son Alex. We were so nervous about how he'd react to us and if he'd like us or not. Well, the first night wasn't anything like we'd thought it would be. He did really well for the first half hour after the FM left, and had a total melt down after that. This melt down lasted until he cried himself to sleep. He did manage to sleep through the night but woke up the next morning and took one look at me and starting crying all over again. My first thought was oh my gosh, what if this is how it's going to be all day? But, we gave him a bottle and we've been friends every since. So don't worry, it will all work out. It probably won't be like you imagined, but it will still be wonderful. It's so amazing to see with each passing day how Alex is bonding with us and how his little personality is really starting to shine through. Good luck!!

[Clare'sMom]

We picked my daughter up when she was 17 months old.... Not the most wonderful experience of my life!

They are to little to understand, all they know is everything in their little world has just changed and they usually don't like it much....

It took hours for little Millie to stop crying and with-in a day she wouldn't leave my side....

10 months later.... She is still right here! I wouldn't change a thing....

Good luck, it will only take a little while...Ann

[Mandy4President]

Addy was just six months when I visited and I was so afraid that she wouldn't like me. And I was right, she totally didn't for the first day. She kept burying her face in my neck whenever anyone talked to her and I said, "look at how great of a mom I am! She loves me already." But come to find out that she was burying her face in my neck because she didn't want to look at me either!!! So we started out slow, playing with toys, moving her to my lap and playing, making her lay by me while she ate. By the second day she was better and by the end of the week she was great, like she never knew anyone else as mom. But it wasn't love at first sight (for her) but they adjust so quickly. I'm sure that you'll do just fine!

[Tiffany Brockman]

Kim

I know exactly how you feel. Our daughter was 20 months at our visit. She cried when everyone left, and she was there with strangers. She then became very clingy, to me only (my aching back!!) . But, she got a little better each day, and did have moments where you could tell she forgot that we were strangers and had a little fun!! We were only there 3 nights. You will be fine!!